My gf and I have been together for just over a year. Earlier in the relationship, she has said she wasn’t comfortable with me smoking with friends, or even on my own unless she was there. I didn’t necessarily agree, but I respected it and held back because it mattered to her. I’ve begin to notice I made a lot of naive mistakes at the beginning of this relationship, and have let quite a few unfair things slide.
Today she told me (over text) she’s planning to get high with her friends. I said that’s totally fine, I’m not trying to control her, I just asked to be kept in the loop and mentioned that it felt like a bit of a double standard, since I was told not to do the same thing in the past.
She got upset and called me pathetic. She also told me she won’t be keeping me in the loop anymore, and that it was a “courtesy” that she even told me in the first place. When I brought up the inconsistency, she said it’s not a double standard, and that if I ever have a problem with something, it can’t just be because she had a problem with it first, I need to have my own reasoning.
To be very clear, I really don’t care about her smoking with her friends. I do however hate the feeling of not having the freedom to do the same thing she allows herself.
I would really appreciate some advice on improving how we communicate about boundaries and fairness in our relationship?
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She called you pathetic … Those are break up words. She doesn’t even respect you man.
Tbh if my gf would call me “pathetic” and says that she wouldnt keep me in the loop anymore and calls it a courtesy that she even told me something at all id break up on the spot, this is disrespect on so many levels.
Back to your question tho: The way you described it you did everything right, and you cant really improve what youre doing because she is the one acting unfairly, while simultaneously being the one that cant communicate. SHE should make this post not you. You can try to talk about it again in person on a calm day, but if she reacts like this again id legit say think about breaking up, its not worth to keep a relationship with someone that neither willing to communicate nor to improve.
So go and smoke with your friends
Not only is there double standards here clear as day, but she’s invalidating your feelings after respectfully bringing up a concern. There’s a level of respect she not treating you with. You need to have a proper discussion about your boundaries with each other, it would be a big red flag if she again tries to dismiss it.
I was in a similar situation with my ex, her doing what she wanted and treating me with no respect. One day I asked myself “do I feel safe to open up to her” and that’s when I decided to leave her, best decision I made. Not saying that you should do the same, but definitely ask yourself that question.
She sounds hypocritical and disrespectful, honestly.
I don’t like double standards, however I don’t think that there have to be always the same “rules”. If my partner has a problem with me smoking, but i don’t care if he does, i don’t feel he has to keep away from it just because he wants me to keep away from it. That would be a power play for me. But here ist sounds for me that you also have a problem with it (or not?), so the same should apply. Her reaction however is really an issue.
You both adults, so don’t beat around the bush.
Double standards are a big red flag and you objections are just.
You just got to be straight and state “I will not tolerate double standards, whats good for the goose is good for the gander.”
Basically don’t let an uneven power dynamic be created.
Also, I Iive in England so for less than £150GBP I can go to Amsterdam for the weekend (flights & accommodation) I would probably be petty in a one year relationship being talked to like I’m some sort of c**t.
You can’t date someone that doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. She refuses to work with you and even called you pathetic, this is a deal breaker
What’s her reason she doesn’t want you to smoke alone or withal friends unless she is there? If it’s because you have a track record of getting high alone or with friends making bad decisions that’s one thing but if this is all just because she feels uncomfortable?, and there is nothing valid behind it then that’s HER problem or insecurity to fix, not yours.
Further, she cannot just come up with a bunch of arbitrary rules and expect that you should follow them because she’s called “dibs” before you did. Turn about is fair play and it sounds like she doesn’t like that’s you’re trying to give her just a taste of her own medicine.
Additionally, her acting like because you initially agreed to something means that you are honor bound to follow through (forever) is ridiculous. Over the 25 years my SO and I have been together, we have grown and changed and as such, we re-considering and re-defining boundaries.
Lastly, you do yourself no favors by continuing to accommodate her illogical requests, all you do is show her you have no back bone and she can walk all over you. Don’t give her that power.
Dump her, she does not respect you
I feel girls have a strong tendency to refuse to acknowledge things that compromise them. I hope this tiny comment helps to reverse this in a merger scale.
To be fair, I see both your points. However, her utter disregard for you after you raised an issue, in what sounds like a reasonable way, would be a dealbreaker for me. If you can’t communicate without name calling and you’re not open to someone else’s point of view, a relationship is never going to work.
Sounds like she wants to control you and doesn’t respect you.
Unless she views her behaviour as wrong and wants to change there’s nothing for you to do. You aren’t the one causing an issue, you aren’t the one with double standards she is.
Ultimately ask yourself if this relationship makes you feel happy, respected and cared for? If not then it’s not worth fighting over imo
Why are you in a relationship with someone who hates you?
You do have the freedom to do whatever you want to do. Stop letting her tell you what you can and can’t do.
My advice to you is to walk away from this girl she doesn’t deal fairly or with integrity in other words she wants to control you but on the other hand, she wants to do what she wants to do and she doesn’t want any interference from you. that’s not a relationship you’ll never be able to talk her out of that she’s either very selfish or very immature or maybe both my advice to you is walk away. Find you someone that’s not going to try to control your every move because that never ever ends well.