I (29F) am 6 months pregnant with my fiancé’s (32M) baby. He was previously in a long-term relationship before me, and his girlfriend sadly passed away in an accident about 5 years ago. I’ve always been understanding of his grief and don’t mind that he still keeps a photo of her on his desk.
But recently, when we were discussing baby names, he suggested naming our daughter after his late ex. I was taken aback and told him I wasn’t comfortable with it, I don’t want my child named after someone he once loved romantically. He got upset and accused me of being “jealous of a dead woman,” saying it’s just a name to honor someone important to him.
I said it feels like starting our family in someone else’s shadow, and he’s been sulking ever since, saying I’m disrespecting his past. His family is split, some say I’m right, others say I’m being insecure. AITAH here?
Comments
NTA. Your child’s name should be something you both agree on.
NTA by a country mile. Naming a baby means both parents have to be onboard. He is being disrespectful and inconsiderate of you. It’s wild that anyone can take his side.
It’s good of you to be accepting of his past but something’s clearly not right. He should understand how wrong that is.
He’s unhinged. Too late to find out now but he never got over her death. You and daughter will definitely be living in that shadow. This is an unreasonable ask from him.
Kid names are one no, two yes.
NTA at all. And you’re right. It could make your daughter live in that shadow as well. Not a good idea
NTA. This is very strange behaviour
There’s thousands of names. Pick one you both like.
We went for Josephine and Thibaud.
But heck, you can also use Nathan and name the baby after me.
And both have to agree…
Why even enforce a name on your partner if you know they don’t like it….
The more I am on AITAH, the more I think: what kind of people are you guys dating?!
This is your child too. You have the same if not more say in choosing a name. You guys need a name you both like.
To be honest, and I don’t be popular, you are doing all the work here. I think it’s very nice that you are even allowing him done input. At the end of the day you get the final say, and it should be a name you are both comfortable with. The fact that he is now gaslighting you is a massive red flag. 🚩
NTA
His past should not be your future. He is out of line, there are plenty of other ways to honour her memory. NTA
Are you his rebound?
Sounds as if he isn’t over her. NTAH. I would be angry. And him playing miffed pussycat after that round of crazy would make me reconsider matters hard.
NTA. Naming a baby after a dead partner is weird and it will be weird for your kid growing up.
Nta
YTA. She is not ex. She is late loved one.
Are there a hundred women with the exact same issue, or is this another AI shit post.
NTA
Your daughter deserves to have her own identity, not be a living tribute to somebody with no connection to her. You deserve to be recognised as an equal partner and parent. There are other ways he can honour his late partner which don’t have emotional ramifications for you and your child.
Soooooooooooo he’s in therapy right?
Nta tell him it isn’t fair to burden your unborn daughter with the weight of carrying a ghost for her entire life. It’s no one she knew or a member of her family, it’s a label from her daddy’s past and your daughter deserves her own identity. And if his so upset by your refusal he needs grief counselling .
He needs some Serious therapy to get over the ex. NTA
I would agree with you, it feels a bit wrong. Like a bit creepy, and macabre.
Maybe try to explain to him from the point of view of the child: when she’ll be a teenager or even an adult, she’ll learn she was given the name of the dead love of her dad, over the concern of her mom. She’ll probably be weirded out by it.
Plus, obviously, the name should feel comfortable for both parents in whatever situation.
NTA. Get couples counselling asap. If he doesn’t understand how inappropriate that is after counselling then I don’t think you should get married to that man.
He’s not over his late girlfriend and you will be in her shadow. You and your child deserve better.
Make sure he is NOT alone with the birth certificate. If you can’t trust him, don’t allow him in the hospital.
And you’re not married, that child should have your surname, until you get married.
I wouldn’t marry this clown
You’re disrespecting his past? Yet its ok for him to disrespect you and your future together. You don’t honour a dead gf by naming the child you created with your current fiance after her. If he still clings to his past so much he wants to drag it with him into his future with you then its going to put major pressure on the relationship. He’s put you in the position of having to fight for your place in your relationship with a dead woman. Your relationship is crowded it will always be you, him and the memory of his dead gf. If he cant let go of his past to live his future he shouldn’t have began building one. He should have had deep therapy before beginning a relationship with anyone new.
It’s unfair on the child. Your husband needs some grief counselling because he has clearly not moved on and if you name this baby after his ex … he’s going to treat this baby like some chance of reincarnation. She will be expected to live up to expectations and that is just not fair on your child. He won’t ever move on from his grief, but boy will have a target for it.
OP don’t let this happen. Protect your child. You are not insecure and don’t let him gas light you into believing you are.
It’s inappropriate to name your child after his ex. It’s tragic and heartbreaking absolutely, but this baby deserves to be their own person and not live their little life in the shadow of a dead woman she has no connection to.
NTA. Aside from the inappropriate request, how would your kid feel knowing she was named after dad’s ex, deceased girlfriend? What about dad getting all misty-eyed every time he has a memory of the “real” Bobbette?? Ugh. Kiddy deserves her own name — minus ghosts, family expectations, or creepy traditions. Choose a “friendly” name — life is hard.
Slightly different perspective and I acknowledge it’s a reach…naming his daughter after his ex could help him move on completely because the person associated with name will have new/different memories. Of course, I’d still be very weary because it sounds like you guys got together while he was still grieving and he stalled.
My concern here is there doesn’t appear to be much curiosity from either side about this; I’d like to know if he considered how this might make you feel? If he did it’s fine because he still came to you honestly with his thoughts and feelings but if he didn’t, I’d be expressing concerns about the fact it seems a dead person is taking precedence over a living one. Why are you so understanding of his grief to the extent of allowing a picture in full view but your discomfort to the name being given to a child you’re carrying and will birth is something for him and family to dispute about?
Why does he still keep her picture up? Grief is different for everyone of course but the reason people need to move on is so those in the present and future don’t suffer intended and unintended consequences/spill over.
I think it wasn’t a good idea to get with someone who keeps a picture of his dead ex, to me it means the grief was unprocessed at least not fully at the time you guys met and could remain that way which would have the kind of consequences you’re now experiencing. How long after she passed did you guys get together?
I’ve seen someone say the baby deserves her own story, without the girlfriend’s tragic story hanging over her head.
NTA imagine when she’s older
“Hi my name’s Emma, my dad named me after his dead ex-girlfriend” heck no.
NTA
>I’ve always been understanding of his grief and don’t mind that he still keeps a photo of her on his desk.
This is morbid. You’ve been making excuses for his weird behavior. He got away with it and now wants to take things to the next level.
Naming a child is a joint decision and not an imposition. Read this book, I’m sure this guy is showing other red flags. I’m not saying he’s an abuser, but the book highlights all sorts of manipulative tactics.
Big hugs.
NTA! Is he insane? A major red flag that he even asked and also another major red flag that his family is somehow involved in this or knows about it and feels free to give feedback to you. It was inappropriate for him to even ask. Now he’s sulking? Is he 5? Look real hard at this relationship and family dynamic and think about it.
NTA. Hell No. Don’t allow Your daughter be a living memorial for an Ex ..
Why did he marry anyone while he is obviously still in love with someone else? It wouldn’t be considered okay if he was in love with an ex who married someone else, so he got married to his runner-up. That ex is also a woman not available to him.
Let him use name as baby’s second name but he also should understand ur excited to name ur baby one that u love
He’s not done grieving and I’m concerned that you’ll have to deal with the consequences…starting with naming your child. This is the kind of future you’ll have with him, as he’ll probably make everything about his late partner.
NTA
I get he loved another before you but no. He shouldn’t have asked. it’s not his place to name your baby after his ex. Deceased or not. That’s just fucking creepy and weird.
He needs to see a therapist
Wouldn’t catch me having a baby with someone who’s still stuck on their ex (alive or dead)
NTA. Maybe it’s the grief talking but his reaction shows a bigger problem. Is your relationship and life always going to be in the shadow of his past. You are not insecure, previous partners are off-limits when it comes to baby names
NTA – your fiancé is not over his ex. I understand he lost her tragically but he’s bringing her into your lives in a forced way. He needs to start letting her go. It’s not healthy for you or your child. Naming her after his ex is very weird like he still wants her. He doesn’t consider your feelings which is a red flag. Seems he projecting her onto you. Your fiancé needs therapy OP.
NTA. Baby names should be a ‘two yes, one no’ situation.
Updateme
YTA for posting this sans story over and over but changing minor details just for karma farming
NTA
your child’s name should be something you both are comfortable with
Also, bearing a dead person’s name is a burden for child, don’t do this to her/him also
I simply had a rule to not use a name that belonged to any family member, living or dead (and would have extended that to “any ex” if my now ex would have been that stupid).
NTA. Babies shouldn’t be born with jobs. Plus, this is just kinda creepy to me. I advise couples counseling immdiately.
You know what’s the best baby name
It’s eleven
What if I told you that my wife chose our daughter’s name without knowing it was the name of my ex? And what if I told you I never think of my ex when I talk to my daughter? At all. I highly doubt he’s going to talk to his daughter and be thinking of his ex.
I’ll say it again, children should not be be walking gravestones.
He is disrespecting his child but not allowing them to live out from under the shadow of another person.
NTA. This would be the hill I die on.
Also, baby names are two yes’s. It must be mighty unattractive to watch a grown man sulk over not getting his own way. I wonder what his parenting abilities will be like if this is how he reacts to things not going his way.
Eh… nobody the AH here. I understand your jealousy and self conscious issues. He should too and accept that you don’t feel on par with a dead person.
Really sad you dislike and wont respect his past tho. That’s kind of sad that he isn’t allowed to miss, love, and respect his past around you or in your future.
It is time to leave this relationship before the baby is born. Don’t let him know when you go in labor. That way, you can have your baby in peace
NTA. Children shouldn’t have to bear the weight that comes along with the expectations by being named after dead loved ones.
Yta. He doesn’t seem ready to get married. Sounds like he needs therapy badly. Why does he feel the need to share his ex with everyone, including your kids? Draw the line you should have drawn before having kids with this man.