all my teen life I’ve been alone, even now, I am. but I’ve gotten comfortable with it. I’ve had a nasty past. my mom is way too strict… to summarize her, she’s a very perfectionist, unaffectionate, and controlling mother. I was homeschooled after COVID during my senior high school years.
after COVID, I went into depression for many reasons, friends moved ahead in life while I was stuck at home, I broke up with my boyfriend because it all started feeling overwhelming, I wasn’t happy with myself. I hated myself because I was constantly being reminded of what a failure I am and he (my ex) was kind of controlling he’d get mad at me for things I couldn’t control. The relationship became virtual. I don’t blame him, but it all just felt like too much. I needed to be alone.
So I was isolated from every direction, school friends weren’t close, so no one checked in. Then a family member got really sick he was dying slowly, and I was left to take care of him. I loved him, but i was exhausted…. We were also short on finances, there were treatments after treatments, staying in hospital with him, that went for an year and half.
I can say more, life sucks.
But that’s not the concern right now the thing is, I’ve never really come back to my “normal” self. I’m numb. I’ve passed school, and I’m in my drop year, preparing for uni, things were fine old friends back in touch through social media, I talk sometimes, but mostly I distract myself with anime, movies, novels, or just sleep as much as I can.
Then I met this guy through some app – idk why I even do that, even when I promised myself no more virtual socializing. But it started with talking about philosophy and existential dread, it seemed nice in the beginning, guys are assholes usually, and it’s hard to find someone intellectual, trust me when i say that, he is so emotionally mature and smart.
Time passed, we kept talking. I feel like he’s just me, living in a male body. I call him my soul twin. There was this newness between us, but no pressure. We’d vent sometimes, text whenever, go silent for days. We used to say “I love the person you are” and “love you”… it never felt weird to me, it was platonic. He seemed more of a romanticist, but also very nihilistic.
He was casually hooking up with others (he’s in college), so i never thought about the possibility of a relationship. Great friends until one day, when we were casually talking, he said: I just want to lie in your lap and die peacefully.
That sentence itched me a bit. But he writes poetry and can be poetic, so I ignored it. But no there was more. He said more intense things like that. We talked about it. I told him I didn’t want this to be a “lover” thing, just a friend thing. I begged him, coz lover things end and friends stay and I don’t want another virtual relationship again…i m quite a realistic, cant allow myself to feel things which dont have any possibilities, and its better to stop early then late
He said, It’s fine, whatever you want. I just want to be with you.
His definition of love is “I appreciate your presence and want you in my life.”
He made me feel happy. And because I’ve been numb for so long, I told him again and again, “I’m not sure if this is okay.” I pushed him. He stayed.
The thing is, he’s gone through so much, and I don’t get why the world was so cruel to him. So when he vents and talks, I feel for him, but I also feel like I’m not present enough. But when he talks about trauma and his past… I never know how to help, idk how to help when he is having panic attacks and he says he cant breathe, i just feel sorry and i feel so so bad
Today he had a big breakdown. He kept saying, u won’t understand. u don’t get it. And I felt bad. I started crying. Because I do feel him, I just don’t have the words. I’m always so mentally unalive. Even on calls, I’m just reacting in my head.
and i keep questioning this whole thing.
we love each other… that I get. but I keep feeling like I need to end it. I’ve become so avoidant that when anyone gets too close, I panic.
He’s such a sweetheart to me. He expresses so much. He helps me. But I’m just… nothing.
I feel like leaving. I think I need to work on myself. I’m not good enough. Maybe when I go to college next year, I’ll learn how to be a human again. How to have real human connection. How to know what to say and when. How to feel.
At least with people physically around, I could be more present. But with him it’s virtual. And I feel like I might break him. He lives too far. And these screens… they’ve already fucked me up so much. I don’t even know what it feels like to be anymore.
i just dont know what to do, should i end it like everything and keep living in my void coz tbh i cant fuck this year, if i didnt made it to uni, i’ll have no purpose to live, and i’ll unalive myself
should i keep being an avoidant b** one more time
coz i feel like i m exhausted and i dont have anything to give him
ig i m supposed to give a tldr, also its been 4 months now, the post keeps getting canceled
TL;DR: he loves and cares for me deeply, but i feel emotionally incapable, confused, and too broken to stay. i feel guilty for thinking of leaving when he’s opening up, but i also feel like i don’t have anything left to give. i don’t know if it’s love or just comfort, and i’m scared i’m using him while being unable to be there for him fully