Please don’t pre-judge me folks, it sounds different to what you think.
I (41M) have been single for nearly 2 years now. Dating hasn’t been great, but I’m plodding on.
I’m trying to set myself some standards as to who I date now as in the past, I dated anyone interested and it led me to some problematic relationships.
When I state standards, nothing too outlandish – just someone similar to myself in terms of age, looks etc. One of my standards is not dating a single mum with kids who are too young.
Now it might seem hypocritical as I have a daughter who’s nearly 18, but the way I see it is that I really struggled being the dad to a young child and really didn’t do well. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter to bits and we get on amazingly now but the fact remains I didn’t do a good job and my daughter was the one who suffered. So I think it would be unfair to her if I dated a woman with a younger kid as some sort of “do over” and the kid got a better version of me she didn’t and I also don’t want the life that entails parenting young kids – it sucks. So if I date someone with kids, they need to be around my daughter’s age so I don’t have to parent them.
My friends see it as a challenge to find me someone – they say they want to see me happy. But they’ve been trying to set me up with any single woman who’s single no matter their age, looks or if they have kids or not. It’s getting annoying to have to keep saying the same shit.
I was chatting to my friend (46F) last week and she says she has a match for me – her yoga teacher friend (43F). I ask a bit about her and she sounds great – attractive, fit and good personality so sounds good so far. I asked if she has kids and she says “oh yeah I think she has a son but he’s older I think so you should be ok.” I take older to mean sort of late teens or early 20’s even so was ok and she set us up on a date for this Monday just gone.
I met her and was really impressed – very pretty, in great shape and just dressed really well. We got on great. I felt really relaxed in her company and had a laugh. I could have saw it going somewhere and we were talking about maybe doing something again soon. She mentioned she has her son most of this week so would have to be around the weekend. I asked her how old he was and she said he’s just turned 8. I tried to not let myself look too disappointed and we ended the date not long after. She’s messaged me a couple of times saying she had an amazing time and can’t wait for date number 2. I kind of gave a non answer saying I’m busy myself this week and will get back to her but haven’t yet. Which I do feel bad for as she is lovely, but I just don’t see it working with her having a kid that young.
My friend calls me on Wednesday and asks me what’s up, that her friend is asking her if I’m ok as I haven’t got back to her. I was angry and told her she knows exactly why I haven’t – the 8 year old kid she said was “older”. She was all laughing saying “yeah well…8 is older, older than 7 anyway” which I went for fucks sake out loud at. She laughed and said whoops, sorry but you had a nice time didn’t you and I said yeah, but I wouldn’t have went had I known he was that young. She was like “come on mate, you need to stop being so picky. You’re getting older now, women have kids and you need to stop being a hypocrite anyway.” Which annoyed me as I’ve explained to her before and it led to another argument and I hung up.
It’s really annoyed me. I feel bad for her friend as well, being dragged into this and her time being wasted and all.
AITAH?
Comments
Your friend doesn’t need to set people up. She needs to sit down and shut up
They lied. And ruined things for you and her. NTAH
You sound like you care more about respecting a random person than your “friend” cares about respecting her “friends”.
NTA but stop trusting this “friend” to set you up when she sees your very valid preferences as unrealistic standards.
NTA. Don’t let that friend set you up anymore. You were very specific about asking the kids age and she intentionally lied to you. Now that lady has to be disappointed because your friend was dishonest.
NTA. Your friend is a huge asshole, it sounds like she enjoyed having “tricked” you.
But if I were you, considering you had decent time with the person you went on the date, would explain the situation to her (clearly and to the point, like you did in this post) instead of leaving her hanging like this. That would be the nice thing to do.
I don’t date men with young children. I just don’t want the potential responsibility so I get it. I don’t think you were wrong but to avoid confusion going forward I would say you are only ok if the children are grown. NTA though it is good you know what you do and don’t want.
YTA hands down. Absolutely. Glad you didn’t like the lady cuz my god, your attitude is garbage. Sorry you ain’t in your 20s anymore. Seriously, WTF? What’s next? Nobody with grey hair in your 70s?
Reddit doesn’t allow us to say mean things, but I can say I’m happy I have never met you.
NTA
NTA there’s nothing wrong with preferences
NTA.
Your friend deliberately misled you. Fuck that noise. That’s not a friend. Friends don’t do shit like that.
It’s time to set a boundary with your friends. Make it clear what you will and won’t accept with a partner. Or just outright hang up/leave/ignore them if they try to set you up again. You can love your friends and they can still engage in behaviours that are bad for you.
NTA Stop letting your friends set you up. Simple as that. If they can’t respect your boundaries then stop allowing them the chance to ignore them. Also don’t be a jerk and message the woman back. Let her know you have told your friends you don’t want to date anyone with young children and the friend lied to you making it seem her son was at least a teenager so unfortunately despite the fun time you had with her, you won’t be pursuing this further. You hope she finds someone who will be a good fit for her then just block and move on. Ghosting her would be a AH move. She also deserves to know her friend lied to set her up with someone and set her up for failure.
NTA but I would explain to the woman you went on a date with that your friend had given you a false image of her and that your preference is to not date someone with a kid under X age, because you don’t want to hurt your daughter. It isn’t her fault her child is 8, and you don’t have a problem with her specifically, the situation is not your preference but you hope she finds someone that can fulfil her needs.
This is of course if you don’t want to put aside your preference and go on a second date with her.
You could also speak with your daughter and ask how she feels about it. It may turn out that she doesn’t have a problem with it at all and just wants to see you happy.
ESH.
You “took it to mean” and it didn’t mean that, that one’s on you.
Your friends aren’t listening to what you say.
But in all honesty, you are picky, not unrightfully so, but you should just set a boundary with your friends to not set you up with people at all. They don’t seem particularly interested in respecting your preferences and you don’t seem particularly happy with their input.
You are NTA for this situation but I can’t imagine being on this earth for 41 years and being unable to say “I’m sorry I think you’re wonderful but I know from experience i’m not good with young children so I don’t think we should pursue things for everyone’s sake. I’m sorry friend put you in this situation as she knew this before she set us up.” When did we normalise avoiding uncomfortable conversations? If she’s as great as you say then she’ll appreciate you being honest and you aren’t doing her any favours by avoiding her.
NTA. You’ve set dating rules and limits for yourself and have valid reasons for it. So stop letting your friends set you up and disrespect you.
But you the AH for not being upfront with that yoga lady. Just tell her what you explained to us. If she rages, then you dodged a bullet and you can block her everywhere.
But odds are, she will probably say thanks for being honest. And then you can both move on without you continuing to lead her on.
No. Your life your choice. Your friend is a jerk.
Maybe do something that isn’t relying on everyone else to set you up with dates so you can be picky. If I was picky I would be… picky and find my dates myself.
NTA
But stop letting your “friends” set you up.
NTA. Your friend intentionally deceived you, she knew what she was doing. And you’re not a hypocrite, 18 is very different from 8. I would be honest with this woman and say that while you had a nice time, you are not looking for the added complications of young kids. As a mom of an 11 and a 17, I know I would appreciate that.
With a lot of woman waiting later in life to have children, its not going to be uncommon for woman in their mid 40s to have younger kids now.
Times have changed.
Woman are wanting to get careers established and money in the bank before becoming mothers.
It sucks your friend wasn’t honest, but the woman you met wasn’t aware of this, and she sounded like she may have been a catch.
Who says you’re going to be expected to play dad to her child?
I’m 46 with 2 adult children, and my 35f partner has a 6yr old she shares custody of.
I definitely dont pretend to be dad, and apart from being a decent, friendly person to the child I’ve found, it’s hardly an inconvenience, and I have found a fantastic person to spend my life with.
Nta
I’m a mother of a 20 year old and though I’d have been open to dating a man with younger kids at one time, I’m now past that point. I don’t want a caregiver role, school drop offs and pick ups, dealing with extracurriculars and early morning wake ups. I just don’t.
She’s not much of a friend if she can’t respect your lifestyle choices. No disrespect to other single moms out there. I’ve been there, myself, but eventually everyone reaches a point where they’re empty nesters, or near so, and have no urge to go through it again.
Nta, but tell the yoga teacher. You said she was nice and you liked her so I’d tell her the truth that one thing about you was you were not going to date anybody with younger kids. People should try to learn from every encounter but she cant learn if she doesn’t know the truth. Plus you will be more respected if you are completely honest.
You’re at an unfortunate age for dating. Right at the wrong age where a lot of people are going to have children.
I will say as a grandad now that parenting is a lot easier second time around but you don’t have to be parent, you’re just dating. Kid could be 10 or older before anything serious.
Your friend found you a great date whom you got on really well with.
For that ESH
your “friend” is NOT a friend. she doesn’t give 2 fucks if you are happy or not. SHE LAUGHED when you said you were uncomfy. She’s mean. She ignores your wants/needs, plows over your explanations, i bet “she knows better than you” on other things too.
SHE. IS. NOT. YOUR. FRIEND!
Your friend is a manipulative AH.
NTA. I’m a solo parent (49F) and I totally get and respect what you have said here.
The only thing I would suggest is that you are open and tell the lady you dated exactly why you don’t wish to continue. I find it more respectful and mature to do this. I’ve essentially given up on dating for now as I’m basically only in the market for something like what you have described for yourself.
I have devoted myself to raising my boy and have no interest in exposing him to potential drama or trauma (I come from a rocky upbringing) so figure I can wait until he’s older. I also don’t need or want to put someone in the position of feeling that they have to be a “father figure” – especially if they are not inclined to be.
However when I last dated, I made a point of messaging immediately that I didn’t feel a connection or if I had any other sort of reason not to see someone again as it is so horrible to be ghosted and left with no proper explanation – it really messes with self confidence and self esteem. The feedback I got was surprisingly respectful and appreciative of my honesty.
Or she may think you are a d!ck but at least you can move on knowing you did the right thing!
NTA
I always feel the worst for the single mom when their friends set them up with shit like this. They either lie about everything important or they randomly set you up and it just leads to me being annoyed (with friend) while on the date AND now single mom has her hopes up because her friend lied to her about getting a date
NTA, but at least get back to the date and tell her the truth, don’t leave it in this purgatory, THAT would make you the asshole. And not via text either, voice to voice, let her hear it from you that you aren’t looking to be with someone with a young kid.
NTA, but friend is.
I have a child, but lost my spouse over a few years ago. Out of my high school graduating class, I have the youngest child. Many of my fellow graduates have grandchildren now.
Most single women my age are done being mothers, they’re filling the Grandma role now. They’re not interested in being mothers again.
Your reason is different, but just as valid as those women. Keep your standards.
That being said, be straight up with the lady with whom you went on the date. Then, you need to step back from the friend, she is manipulative. I’d bet money her thinking was “When he sees what she’s like, he’ll change his mind.” (She might even say that.)
YTA, only for not being upfront with the date. Why not just tell her the truth when she texted?
Nta but it’s good practice to text with someone a bit before going out.
NTA. It’s good you have standards and are trying to set your relationship up for success…
but is 8 really that bad? They can do all the basic stuff. It seems like you’re also assuming you’re just immediately going to jump into dad mode. The kid already has a dad and is not an automatic do-over.