hello, forgive me as i don’t use reddit often. I (22f) am engaged to my wonderful partner J (24M) we have been together 3 years engaged for 2.
My past fling, G (23M) had a complicated friendship. i had a huge crush on him and he was dependent on me. he was nearly homeless with a non dependable job. We met on a dating app when we quickly met up and started a genuine friendship. one day he asked me to drive him to the city so he could buy a car. after i dropped him off he gave me the go ahead to leave him and the next day he left the state completely with no warning. since them we would occasionally message on Instagram and catch up. He since got back on his feet and joined the military.
G messaged me tonight and completely confessed how he was in love with me. He told me how he regrets everything he did to me.
Its hard to explain but the way G messaged me seemed like he was straight out of a romance novel. After a while of us catching up and him occasionally asking to send a picture of himself to me (i told him no every time and he respected) he told me “give me a chance and i will marry you right now and make you pregnant”. like thats intense right??
He messaged me saying that he will swoop the moment he has a chance if me and J dont work out. But i see nothing but J in my future and im confident in that. G then told me that as soon as his military contract is up he will come back to our state and try to steal me from J. i was quite blunt in the way i told him that would never happen.
My fiance J is very jealous. He hates cheaters with a passion and has made it very clear that cheating warrants immediate break up. No remorse. However, in his jealousy he hates when other guys talk to me in general. Honestly im not very attractive so its not like guys look my way anyway, every man i ever had i got with my personality.
In short i dont know if i should tell J about what G messaged me. Previously G messaged me where in response to telling him that my fiance was going into a respected career path he messaged me “good for him ig đ”. When i showed J the message he got quiet and got scared saying that i better not cheat. He constantly asks if im cheating just because hes so scared of it. Im scared that if i tell J what G texted me he will accuse me of cheating and not talk to me for a while. (hes very petty)
i dont know what i should do. I am awful at reading the room and understanding ques.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You shouldn’t be entertaining G at all (why isn’t he blocked?) but your bf sounds like a loser. Jealous & petty & accusatory — happy life!!!
Cut contact with G and block. There’s no value maintaining contact there, especially when he’s someone who’ll happily undermine your relationship at any opportunity. Whatever issues you have in your current situation, few relationships will thrive when someone else is standing by to kick the feet out from under it.
If this is actually real, neither of these guys are for you. Donât get caught up in the hocus pocus of âbeing engagedâ. Date and wear a nice ring if you want but that means you donât entertain such behaviour with another man, whilst wearing anotherâs ring of promise. Stop it you silly young woman. Donât be engaged. Donât just settle for whatever. If youâre feeling what youâre feeling neither guy is for you.
Block the military guy and under no circumstances marry your fiance. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery with an immature jealous idiot.
Iâm sorry to sound patronising but you are far far too young with not enough life experience to be getting married. Itâs obscuring your ability to see your own self worth and making you think âthisâ behaviour from either man is acceptable.
Tell your ex to go away and leave you alone and you will contact the police and report him for stalking if he doesnât.
Tell your fiancĂ© itâs over. You will not have annoying controlling who you talk to. If he canât trust you it is not a loving relationship itâs control which is not acceptable in any circumstances. You should be er have to be scared of talking to your partner about anything.
You claim youâre unattractive and no one would be interested in you. Yet youâre only 22 and have been with this idiot for 3 years. You have no idea who might find you attractive or not because youâve not been single as an adult.
Block G, J is right to be jealous in this case. If J is jealous and petty every time you interact with a man, reconsider the engagement.
Life is not a romance novel. They won’t sword duel for you, and happily ever after. One might shoot the other, go to prison, and leave you with a child though.
J’s jealousy is not good thing. You’ll be walking on eggshells your whole life.
Block G, ditch J and spend time working out who you are..
You need to ask yourself a question. Are you happy to be engaged because you want to spend the rest of your days with J or are you engaged because you’re just excited about having a wedding? It seems like you’re entertaining G for a reason and that isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship or marriage.
I just couldn’t find the part of your story where you stood up for your relationship a literal engagement at that to a former sexual partner that’s actively trying to destroy it. I also couldn’t find the part where he was blocked, the door shut firmly in his face.
I did see the part where you’ve continuously kept communication open with your former sexual partner and the part where you keep secrets from your fiance about your contact with your former sexual partner. I definitely noted the part where you describe your fiance as petty & jealous. That breaking up with you over cheating would be remorseless.
Maybe he’s just trademarked “Insecure”, “Paranoid” and untrusting of you in regards to other men and you cheating on him. Or he’s 100% on the money about you.
Yes tell your Fiance and cut this other lovebombing weirdo off. G doesnt care about you, he wants to steal you and impregnate you to show his dominance to your Fiance. He is on an ego trip and being extremely disrespectful towards your relationship.
Itâs clear you are too young and in love with the attention to get married. Please think about your life choices
J and G are different kinds of red flags.
Do you really imagine a life where every move is questioned? It’s not going to magically get better once you’re married. He’s not going to feel more secure. You’re 22 and you’re selling yourself short already. You deserve more respect than either are showing you just now.
Since you enjoy drama and havenât bothered to block your ex, just let your fiancĂ© free. Then you can get all of the excitement and drama that you want!
Block that guy! He’s nothing but trouble.
Seems fake because OP has not replied and this is a very toxic dramatic filled behavior, for someone engaged at this age. Seems like a pipe dream a lonely person is making up.
You are cheating. Why are you entertaining g in the first place? Do you have such little respect for your partner that you need the attention from another maan?
“Straight out of a romance novel” my ass.
Your fiance will find out and it will not end well for you.
The moment you saw G disrespecting your relationship you should have shut it down. You desperation for attention will be your downfall.
Can you just not marry either of those guys?
G sounds like one of those guys that only want the “forbidden fruit” – women aren’t attractive unless they are with someone else, and they can get validation by stealing her away from their man, at which point they lose interest in the woman and start yearning for someone else unattainable.
J sounds unhealthily jealous, which could quickly turn very controlling and abusive once you’re actually married and the brakes come off.
How about you find a guy with whom you can have a healthy, happy relationship without drama and without controlling behavior? Just a regular Joe who’ll treat you right.
The fact that the conversations have gotten this far, and didn’t immediately end in you blocking him and moving on, shows that you’re not really over him or the butterflies he makes you feel when he toys with you and disrespects your future marriage. If I were engaged to you and saw that, I would just cut my losses and move on. You’re both young, so he hasn’t developed the sense of self worth to see how little he means to you. Hopefully one day he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes there are plenty of women out there who will treat him like their priority, and not like a side character in their drama piece.
Why are you even talking to this guy at all?? That’s the problem there. Your entertaining other men. Let’s hope your current bf doesn’t find out and dump your ass. TBF it is kinda micro cheating entertaining this guy anyway
Block
Block
Block
Block
(Repeat as necessary).
Have you blocked him yet.
Both of these men sound pretty terrible. Hindsight is 20/20 – past fling was okay to message and apologise for the way he treated you, but it is not okay to say “he will steal you”. He is disregarding it every time you say no, because he thinks he can change your mind, even if he can’t.
Current fiance is also a problem. Being jealous of the past fling makes sense, it would be a cause for concern if a previous partner re-appeared, however jealousy outside of this is not okay. He doesn’t get to dictate who you’re friends with because of his jealousy. That is something he needs to work on, not something you need to humour.
I think you’re selling yourself short with regards to your appearance. You have two men vying for your attention, trust me, they don’t do that for people they don’t consider attractive. I think you deserve better than both of them tbh.
This isn’t at all romance novel-like.
J is way too jealous. Even in romance novels, that’s a red flag. Letting people know you’re engaged to him is one thing. Not liking you to talk to any man? That’s unhealthy.
G swooping back in and love bombing you – google that, please – isn’t any healthier than what J does.
Your self esteem is dangerously low, and life isn’t a romance book. You’re too young to get married, and clearly not ready if G can sway you so easily.
None of this is meant to insult you. G may have feelings for you, but he needs to earn your trust, and that will take time. He just up and left you before.
Block G, leave J, work on yourself.
u/bbunni3Â – you are only 22… please do not be rushing into marriage with anyone.
Be careful with the jealous types AND with the flaky characters that go for the grand (empty) “romantic” gestures.
Again: do not rush into marriage.
Why would you even continue a conversation with the guy that ghosted you if you truly love your fiancé?
If you truly live and respect for your fiancĂ©, you should go no contact with your ex. Your ex is not a lifelong friend and he made is intentions very clear to you. Although you rejected his advances, your continued dialogue with him is sending him mixed messages that he is still in your life and âhas a shotâ.
A major part of being in a âcommittedâ relationship is avoiding being in situations that may endanger your relationship with your partner. Keeping your ex around as he waits for things to ânot work outâ (his words) is disrespectful and âmicro-cheatingâ at least in my book. I think you should inform your fiance of exâs advances for transparency. Your ex will possibly make himself known to your fiance with the hopes of causing issues with trust in your relationship.
The sooner you completely cut off your ex and talk to your fiance, the better.
If you value your relationship you will block G.. Donât keep messaging with him. Thats disrespectful to your fiance!!
Neither of these guys sound like a good match. You have jealous/controlling level toxic to your left and I’m willing to ruin your life so I can have my way level of toxic to your right.
Don’t cheat on your fiancĂ©. The fact that you haven’t already blocked your fling is extremely concerning to me.