Growing up my sister (now 22f) was the spoiled golden child of our parents. She got everything she ever wanted in life and became the brat nobody wanted their kids to be friends with. I (now 24f) even had friends who weren’t allowed to come to my house because my sister was there. She would steal, try to make you do what she wanted and would tell our parents if you didn’t, would break stuff if she wasn’t included and then wasn’t allowed to take over decision making. It was a whole thing. We fought a lot as kids and we both said awful things to each other. But I grew to resent her more and more because of the monster our parents created.
The final straw for me was my savings. My parents wouldn’t let me open up a bank account because they didn’t want me hiding money. They forced my first job to fire me because they were not okay with me keeping money to myself. And I knew they wouldn’t help me with college or let me stay rent free once I was 18. So I started being sneaky about saving. I babysat for friends parents under the guise of visiting friends. I did errands for family friends or other people. It didn’t allow me much in the way of savings but it allowed me some. But then like two days before my 18th birthday my sister found and stole the money. And yes, I had it at home but there was nowhere else to take it. None of my friends parents were okay with me storing it at their house in case any went missing and I accused them. They were fine helping me get money but they didn’t want the responsibility of storing it, which I understand.
My sister even told our parents I had the money and they got so mad at me. In return I told my sister to fuck off and never speak to me again and from that day onward she wasn’t my sister and I didn’t love or give a damn about what would happen to her.
I left on my birthday and never went back. I was no contact from then until now.
My sister reached out to me a few weeks ago because a relative gave her my number. She apologized, told me she was sorry, said she had grown up and realized how shitty she was and she knew stealing, breaking stuff, getting me into trouble intentionally and trying to control everything was wrong. She said she loved and missed me and was hoping we could repair our relationship. I didn’t reply. I read the text and I kept it on my phone but I didn’t reply. Two weeks later she texted the exact same thing with an apology if I got the first but she wanted to be sure. Then a few days ago she texted again and said she knew it was my number and wanted to know why I ignored her when she had apologized and was hoping I’d forgive her so we could have a relationship.
I replied one time (and I considered not doing this) and I told her that part of growing is accepting people don’t have to forgive you or reconcile with you just because you apologized and that sometimes the harm done can’t be undone and doors are closed forever. I didn’t reply after that. Then the relative who gave her my number and I exchanged some words because of this and she told me it was the most arrogant way to tell someone you don’t accept their apology. She said I should have been more accepting. And I told her that I didn’t need to listen to this.
AITA for it though? I’m not doubting myself but I wonder if there are others who feel the same way as the relative. Honestly maybe I should’ve kept ignoring my sister and blocked her number.
Comments
NTA It’s great when someone can grow and better themselves, but sometimes apologies just aren’t enough. Getting better doesn’t erase the past, and sometimes too much damage is done for one party to want to revisit the relationship
You don’t owe people access to you just because they regret hurting you.
I understand your relative is hoping for you and your sister to reconcile but I don’t think your reply was arrogant at all. You don’t owe your sister anything and your relative needs to accept your decision and back off.
>Then the relative who gave her my number and I exchanged some words because of this and she told me it was the most arrogant way to tell someone you don’t accept their apology.
That doesn’t make any sense at all. What it is is the most final way to say it. Your relative is projecting.
>She said I should have been more accepting. And I told her that I didn’t need to listen to this.
NTA. I think your relative might have been within her rights and responsibility to give you moral instruction in place of your parents, but she destroyed her credibility by giving it to you *after* she intervened and not so much as asking your point of view. In short, she acted the role of a busybody, and quite possibly someone arrogant who wants to be the “savior.” Your relative has protagonist syndrome and you don’t have to play by their narrative.
NTA – If your sister cannot understand your reply then she still needs more growth. Makes me wonder exactly what she told the relative because it sounds like another example of her not getting her way then “tattling” to force you to give her what she wants – same controlling behavior from childhood.
If you don’t want to hear from your sister again, I’d suggest blocking her then pre-block her on socials to shut down all access options. As for that relative who gave out your number without asking you first, they definitely deserve the blocking treatment.
Tell that relative to stop giving out your number and that unless she has lived your life, she doesn’t get to judge it. Let her know that there is no compromise on this and some wounds don’t heal and that she shouldn’t pick at the scabs. Sister can get a time machine if she’s got the budget if she wants to make it better. NTA.
Time to go LC or NC with said relative.
An apology isn’t some magical spell dispelling the pain, the grudge or the time wasted to deal with the aftermath.
Rejecting the said apology is your right and no one is entitled to jump on you for it.
NTA, stay strong.
Also I can’t help but wonder if the sister really reflected given her réaction…
NTA
Block the bastiche and the relative who gave your number away. It sounds slike you have a lot of relatives who suddenly are dead to you.
Make it clear. If anyone gives your number or details to that vile waste of space, they are dead to you. If they agree with the idiot who told her. Dead to you.
I hope your parents are dead to you too. They’re worthless scumbags as well. Cut them off.
She didn’t deserve any reply.
She clearly isn’t sorry.
If she was truely sorry. She’d have realized that her long list of crimes is far too long to be forgiven.
She would have gone away in shame and taken the forced new start as a sign that she needs to change.
It’s a lot of bad stuff and while I’m not into regret. Learn from your mistakes, and move on.
You would absolutely be ashamed of that history. That’s a long, vile, list.
I say forced new start. Because it sounds like she messed up badly and realized she only has the sister who disowned her left.
It’s about as real as a 9 pound note. She isn’t sorry. She just wants to mooch or something.
Make herself look good for some fake redemption or something.
NTA and time to cut off that piece of shit relative too.
I’m not sure why you bothered to reply. i think if you blocked her the message would be the same, that you don’t forgive her. It sort of feels like you replied just so you could have the satisfaction of telling your sister off, and i get it, she was not good to you at all, and maybe you just wanted the satisfaction of telling her off.
I think in this specific scenario you were a bit of an asshole. your family member is the biggest asshole though, because no one gets to tell you how you feel.
NTA – but if she’s really sorry then I’d make her transfer the money she stole. If she starts losing her shit over it then she hasn’t changed.
NTA
NTA. Honestly, something’s fishy to me. I suspect she needs something. Test her by requesting she repay all that she stole. Ten bucks you’ll never hear from her again.
Info: are you no contact with your parents as well?
So she expects, once again, to get her way. Then when she didn’t, she showed how mature she really was by doing nothing else but tattle again. SHE WON”T FORGIVE ME!!!! WAAAAAHHHHH tears Maybe she should have at least started off with, i am so sorry, and i know it may not matter now, but i’d like to offer the money I stole from you, and then do it in front of your parents. Next to publicly acknowledge just know how terrible she was. Way to go for putting YOU first. May you have a wonderful, happy, drama free life.
NTA and you KNOW your sister wants something. That’s why she came out of the woodwork.
INFO : Did I overlook where the sister paid back the money she stole?
Tell her you will consider her apology after she gives you back the money she stole with 8% interest per year it was stolen. NTA and cut off the jerk who gave your number away to someone you are no contact with.
So… sister needs a kidney? Rent money? An expensive wedding gift? A babysitter and birthday gifts for her spawn… which is it?
NTA – She stole and treated you badly. Apologies don’t change that. She doesn’t add value to your life.
NTA Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her. The last thing you need when you have crazy parents is a crazy siblings. If I was in your position two days before your 18th birthday I’d have physically tore into her.
NTA. You should send one last message …. “If you repay the money you took, I might consider forgiving you.”
Get the cash, block the trash.
INFO: Has this idiot relative managed to get your parents to apologise to you?
NTA- Asking for forgiveness is one thing. Accepting that what you did may be unforgivable is another. Your sister just hasn’t reached that maturity or enlightenment quite yet.
NTA. They have zero right to start critiquing your response to text messages that you didn’t ask for, and didn’t want in the first place.
If your relative is unhappy with how this has gone down, then perhaps this is their chance to reflect on their choice to involve themselves in something that was none of their business.
Edit – typo.
Nta,
your sister is alot and you 100% dont need to forgive or have a relationship with her,
‘honestly I would have done the same as you and even told the family member that gave my number to her to loose it too since she is on the same list as my sister
NTA. My daughter got pregnant at 18. She was very much not ready to be a parent. I was not in a place mentally, emotionally and financially to take over care. So we discussed adoption. We both believed it was the best thing to do. Here comes my aunt. She was furious with our decision. She ostracized my daughter from the family and said it was completely unacceptable. This angered me so bad. We cut our family off. This was over 10 years ago. We haven’t spoken to them since. My daughter lives in another state and has her life going. While I have forgiven my aunt for doing what she did I still don’t talk to her. I feel no obligation to do it. And the forgiveness was of my own doing and not told to her. You are under no obligation to forgive or reconcile. It is for you to decide to do so. No one can tell you different. If you decide to forgive it still doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship.
NTA. She made her choices and some doors stay shut because of them.
I’ve done the same. There are people I will never speak with again or acknowledge their existence for the actions they’ve done against me in the past that still have impact today.
As for the noisy relative who gave up your number, cut them off too.
The relative can mind their own business, and should also have asked you before sharing your number with your sister.
Have your parents already apologized? I’m not saying forgiveness, because that implies forgetting the bad things they did to you, but just your sister apologizing is not enough, just a draft of air.
Good, hold your ground
Updateme
NTA Apologies don’t mean much if there is action to prove they are sincere. She could have started by sending you the money she stole. I don’t think you are wrong for refusing to let someone back into your life after they spent years showing you how flawed their character was. I doubt she has changed enough for it to be worth it.
My mantra in these situations is this. We all get to choose how we behave. We don’t get to dictate how people respond.
In this case, your sister is still demanding your bending to her wishes. She appears not to have learnt anything.
NTA
You’re never obligated to forgive someone. Full stop.
NTA A real apology would also mean trying to repair the harm caused. I’d tell the sister she can start by giving me back the money she stole. Then block her and the shitty relative
Op your relative is a moron i’m sorry to tell you.
Imo you handled that as maturely as one could expect. Your sister, while likely a product of your parents favouritism was still the cause of soo much trauma in your past, and you’re right, part of growing up is realizing not everyone will accept your apology.
NTA
NTA but you should resent your parents way, WAY more than your sister. You are an adult and if you had kids right now, would you allow the shit your parents did? I STRONGLY think not.
They failed in parenting your sister or preparing both of you for adulthood properly by creating this shit dynamic/behavior schema. They basically turned her into a non-functional child and a barely functional adults because they just didn’t ground her literally or figuratively.
Again, think of yourself in perspective of a child. Can you really blame a child for being a little shit when being a little shit gets them everything the want the moment they want it? Whos job is it to make that stop??
Not hers, and not yours. Your parents job.
I will say in her adulthood, learning to be better and apologizing for her behavior is clearly self inspired. The fact her own personal growth strongly deviates from her childhood behavior (most kid monsters become adult monsters) shows she wasn’t acting that way from nature.
It’s because your parents sucked.
Again, NTA, but you should really blame the parents more than her.
I’m hoping you cut off that relative who gave her your number too. And NC with everyone involved. NTA. Protect your peace.
NTA. Your number has been given without your consent. You have never agreed to respond.
I don’t think your sister’s apology is genuine. It’s too general for years of being horrible person, she doesn’t accept the option of you saying anything else than “no worries, we are good from now) nor she has offered to give your money back. Apology for stealing without proper offer to give/pay it back is not meaningful. Also, your response after her not getting the silent hint was absolutely okay.
NTA. You’re right. You don’t have to accept anything or be in any kind of a relationship. She made her bed and she can lie in it.
Time for that relative to be added to the No Contact list.
NTA – time to block that relative alongside your sister.
NTA
If she was really sorry she’d be paying you back.
She’d also understand that it’s going to take time and that 3 texts are not going to fix years of her shitty behaviour and your parents. She would also get your parents to apologise, or at least try.
The family member also needs a check. Who shares someone’s info without their permission?!
The whole thing rings like she’s met someone who can’t understand why you don’t talk and she wants you to come back so she can parade a happy family in front of them.
NTA – your sister has shown that she hasn’t actually changed. She kept pestering you until you responded to her and then when she didn’t get the answer she wanted, she tattled to your relative. How is that showing that she changed?
How was your response arrogant? It was perfect, direct, wasn’t rude, not open to any misunderstanding and was mature beyond your years. More mature than what your relative had to say anyway. Maybe you need to put the relative in their place as well.
Why do people think that if you apologize, you are entitled to forgiveness?!?!
NTA. Ideally, you don’t reply to someone who you are no contact with, but she kept contacting you so I get why you did.
I think your reply was polite and to the point.
I hope you told that relative that they are to never give anyone your phone number ever again. They need to stay TF out of it. Your response was not arrogant and it is none of their effing business anyway. Maybe they should try not talking about people behind their backs.
NTA. It’s great if your sister’s actually begun to change but that comes with no obligation on your part to to rekindle anything. And your relative sounds like one of those ‘but FAAAAAMILY’ busybodies that can’t wrap their heads around the fact that some burnt bridges can’t be rebuilt easily if ever.