I m 37 been married to f 37 for 10 years, we get along and we have fun together. We have been renting her family’s house for about the same time. Its been cheap rent but in the meantime we have two kids and take care of a 3rd, life happens and when her family told us we have to move as soon as possible. We have only 4k saved. Until recently we made about the same about 70k each. But I recently got a much better job with ot its 180k a year with potential to put it to 200k within a year. The problem is that is 2hours away 6 days a week.
So we talk about situations, I tell her she can quit her job and move closer to my job, she doesn’t want that. She wants to stay for her friends. We compromise on an area 45min from my job and adding 15 mins to hers and get pre-qualified for a loan. Our plan is to save money down and find a house in the meantime, maybe leaving the house in 90 days
The same week she plans a garage sale on my only day off I would have to help with, without telling me until the day before. She also sends me houses not from the area we agreed on. She asks me to fill out another application for a loan that’s slightly better, but its only in qualifying neighborhoods thar isn’t the area we agreed on.
Apparently she talked to some members of her family and has changed her mind on what we agreed on. I tell her that if she does that I will have to start renting a room by my work as I’m burnt out from driving. She doesn’t say anything but after that statement she turns down everything I say.
It eventually comes down to me saying I want a storage unit so I can move things out in waves, so I don’t have such a burden the few days im off. She cuts me off and simply says no I’m not doing that. She says Its too much money and we need to save.
That ends the conversation, I tell her I don’t like feeling like I have no say buying a home and hang up.
Later in the week she says sorry but doubles down on all the decisions that she has made. I dont accept the apology.
A day after I messaged her and I open up and tell her I feel like my peace of mind is worth less than 100 because of how readily she dismissed it and defended her stance. She replies that she doesn’t see the point.
At this point I been working 60hours a week and driving 24 hours for 8 weeks. Im exhausted. I tell her I’m done. She tells me “its a stupid fucking idea”
I snap and tell her I’m not going to sign for a loan I have no choice in for a house i have no say in.
Am I overreacting?
Comments
Cosigning on a loan without having a say is a recipe for long term resentment and financial disaster if the relationship breaks down.
You’re not overreacting. It’s fair to want a say in such a big decision, especially when you’re exhausted and being ignored Saying no to cosigning makes sense
you simply cannot continue with such a long commute. The choice is move closer to the job or you have to quit and try to find something closer to where she wants to live. you are going to get killed driving that tired.
You are not overreacting.
I think you should try and rent an Airbnb for the work week and get some much needed rest to get your head straight and take a breather away. When this stretched thin and exhausted we tend to make bad decisions…
Maybe the time away will make her see sense and truly find a compromise, because what you are describing sound like she is saying “it’s my way or the highway” and that is not how a marriage works.
“We get along…….”
As long as you do what she says?
ESH
she’s selfish. You’ve got the opportunity to earn some really serious money that will greatly improve your lifestyle and she doesn’t wanna leave her friends. It’s not life. She can’t travel to see her friends but she’s willing to risk your marriage because of the way she’s acting and carrying on over all stuffwith the house and the fact that she won’t move. To be honest with you I’d be giving her an ultimatum that’s all the time to move and actually to the town where your job is so you’re not burning yourself out driving constantly all that your marriage is over.. because she seems ready to throw everything away just so she doesn’t have to move.
You need to be closer to your job as you are the one paying the bills. Simple as that.
Dafuq???!!!!
A 2 hour commute is taxing.
The only logical compromise is an area that is not HCL, significantly closer to your job, with a good school district and the amenities you all need for a good quality of life.
How did this become a decision based on input from the peanut gallery aka her ppl??!!
The plan should be from the perspective of what’s the best investment the next 5/7 years, if your not looking for your “forever” home.
There’s no way you should sign off on anything until you’ve agreed to what you’re all doing and where.
NTA
Obviously some of these details should have been worked out before you took the job. It isn’t reasonable to expect you to commute 2 hours, six days a week so your wife is not being reasonable here. You either need to discuss finding another job or she needs to be more accommodating. You’re definitely NTA.
Side note; I do find your choice of words to be curious. We get along is not how I would describe the relationship I have with my wife. Nor would I use co-sign to describe buying a house together. These are words to describe a roommate, not a partner. Makes me wonder how things really are.
Nta, but at this point, it sounds like the relationship is over.
At the very least u need marriage counseling, but if her being the center of the world and the only person who should have an opinion continues, then she clearly doesn’t care about you.
Is this a new sudden change of behavior or how she normally is?
If its new, I kinda wonder if she is having an affair. Either way she clearly has no respect for you and the marraige.
NTA
Your wife apparently thinks “wife” is a euphemism for Empress of y’all’s world, and you’re the peasant in the relationship. This is not ok. And eventually, you’re going to drift off and wreck making that drive. Unless that is her point. 🧐
Updateme
You should see la lawyer , if you are driving 2 hours a day not only exhausted , wife will complain your not helping at night with kids etc , never say it’s her fault for not moving closer, and she will have family in her ear and maybe friends with other men .
Now see a lawyer for a consult , ask about if you buy this house and you divorce what that looks like and some other scenario. Also if she is stuck in this buying here ask lawyer about a post nup where if you are paying the mortgage and bills etc does that mean anything if you get divorced
She doesn’t care about the real stress that you’re under? She doesn’t care about financial reality? Sounds like she’s trying to antagonize you into divorcing her.
Put your foot down!!!
Do not co-sign anything. She can take full responsibility for her choices. She is making them all on her own, I’d be careful she doesn’t forge you signiture. This is your wake up call. Let her keep her job. You move closer to your job and file for divorce. She’ll wake up then.
Don’t buy a house with this woman. You’ll live to regret that choice. Eventually you’ll not get to live in it, still have to pay for her to live in it, and work your butt off for nothing. For now, keep renting.
Why not get the 180k job in town where you’re at
She wants you to come home to help with the kids after a 4 hour commute and if you don’t, will post on reddit about it.