My (26F) ex-husband (27M) came out as gay and cheated on me with his now-husband. It hurt initially, and I was depressed for a long time, but then I forgave him, and now I’m best friends with him and his husband, and they act as excellent dads to our daughter, Linda (3F).
However, my mother clearly was very, very hurt by her ex-son in law’s adultery, and was very angry at him for hurting me and causing me to be depressed. She always subtly digs at him towards Linda, but it has increased tenfold after he got married. Linda comes back home from my mom’s saying horrible things about her dad, only stopping when I correct her.
I confronted my mother and told her that she shouldn’t hold on resentment and she has no right to insult my ex when I have forgiven him. Soon, my brother called me up and told me that even he hasn’t forgiven my ex for cheating on me, and I can’t expect people to forgive as quick as I do.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. It’s not about the adults’ feelings. They are poisoning your daughter and causing her conflict.
If her dad is a “no good %}%}<“ that means half of her is too.
Ask them to stop not because of their feelings but hers. Do they love her enough to hold their tongue?
You cannot demand them to forgive nor do they really ever have to if they don’t want to. However, it is extremely inappropriate to be talking about this to the child or within ear shot of the child and that needs to stop immediately.
NTA your mother is entitled to her feelings but bad mouthing the child’s father to the child is not acceptable at all. You need to put your foot down with her and explain she can feel how she wants but involving the child could be harmful to the child’s relationship with her father in the future. It’s wrong on so many levels.
NTA. She can feel how she feels but she doesn’t get to talk to your child about things you’ve asked her not to. If you’ve forgiven him and decided to co-parent peacefully then people around you don’t get to poison your kid with homophobia or bitterness. She & your bro should have consequences like no unsupervised visits for going against your wishes. I’m sorry for your hurt and depression but hope you find someone who loves you and your daughter
You’re not the A. They are and its horrible to do that to a child and it really, in my eyes, is abuse. You’re a lovely person and I would have forgiven him too. You recognized that his actions weren’t malicious and its in the past and hes a good dad. I wouldn’t bring my child around any of these people again, they’re terrible.
They’re entitled to their feelings, however much you may disagree, but you have a duty to your child to not expose her to that bigotry, you either need to put them on timeout or have supervised visits only.
NOT the AH and I can’t fathom how you would be in this situation?
“Politely” let them know they can feel how tf they want and hold whatever grudge they want to waste time holding but talking sht about her FATHER who is present in her life is pure bullsht and needs to end NOW.
I’m the daughter of a mother who did that vicious, selfish bs so PARDON MY ANGER but take this straight from a child who had to intake the poison, that sh*t hurts and it messes with your mind BAD.
The fact she comes home spewing grannies rancid words tells me it’s being poured into her often. There is no reason for gran to discuss her father with her especially in a hateful way.
MY MOTHER DID NOT SEE MY SON AT ALLLL FROM AGE 8 TO 13 FOR THIS EXACT REASON!!! They honestly still have bare relationship and he’s 25 now!!!
I know everyone is not as “assertive” as i am but please don’t let her twist your daughter up w hate like that. And tell your brother mind his fcking business. 🙄 Few things annoy me more than ppl calling w bullsht like they have any say when you put a boundary down with you and someone. Especially those that never have anything to say to the one actually OVERSTEPPING in the first place.
😂😂😂 I swear i might have to stay out of these reddit streets…
She doesn’t have to forgive him. But she’s a bad person for manipulating a toddler against her father. Ew.
It’s sad that you’re so conditioned to accept this is insanity. Your husband‘s mental illness should be appear to you as well as your family
NTA. Sha can resent him as much as she wants but for her to make your daughter inherit that hatred is not good at all.
Neither your mother nor your brother need to forgive your ex. Tell them that. Then tell them that them bad mouthing your ex to your ex is hurting your daughter and not your ex. Ask them to stop. If they don’t, don’t let them be around your daughter unless you are there.
No more unsupervised time for your family. If they can’t be adults and keep their freaking mouths shut, they don’t get time with your child. If your exhusband wanted to, he could take you back into court and go for more custody time, if not full custody, based on parental alienation. And he’d be right to do it if you won’t end her ability to bad mouth him to your daughter. I honestly would take a long break from any contact with your mom and anyone who justifies her behavior. This is not about her feelings. This is about the well being of your child. Until she can see that her feelings are her own to manage and she needs to put them aside in the presence of your child, she doesn’t get any time with her.
At this point, it’s not even about forgiving. It’s about not trashing her father to her. If they can’t hold that boundary, then they need to stay away from your kid.NTA
You can’t force them to forgive your ex, but you can force that they are not to speak ill about him to your child – or risk having that child cut off from them.
NTA. Your mother feeling resentment and disliking the man who hurt you, even not forgiving him when you have, is her business. Your brother doesn’t have to forgive him either.
But being snarky and twisting your toddler to say or potentially think badly of her father is absolutely not okay, especially when he’s a present and active parent and important figure in her life (and his husband too). It really has nothing to do with whether they forgive him or not. It has to do with how they respect the way you are co-parenting your daughter.
You’re right – tell her to keep her thoughts to herself or you’re going to have to limit her time alone with your daughter.
NTA but id keep your kid far away from your mother. She is engaging in parental alienation and if your ex ever got pissed and decided for a custody battle you will be in a bad postion and likely lose. You might get only supervised visits. You need to have a tough talk with Mom about her behavior and if she won’t change which I sorta expect then as I said do not let your daughter see your mother until she is 18 and can decide for herself.
Your family doesn’t have to forgive him even if you have. However, by badmouthing him around your daughter is a big problem and could have legal consequences for you, not to mention the emotional damage it can cause your daughter. You need to protect your child from this kind of hate and form of alienation towards her father. He could get a court order to stop it and you can be sanctioned by a judge. This is No laughing matter. Tell your mother to stop and what kind of legal consequences it might have for you. Ultimately, you might be forced to restrict her access to her grandchild, and then what is she going to do? It needs to stop now. NTA
Something is so funny to me about a 3 year old named Linda. Feels like a grown up name lol. Not meant in a bad way at all btw
Sleuth Bot
It’s one thing to give him crap it’s another to do it in front of a child I would never forgive but I wouldn’t do it in front of a kid
NTA. But Linda can’t visit grannie again until grannie (and uncle possibly) learns to keep her trap shut.
Nta but mam she shouldn’t be going to your mother’s anymore if this is happening. If they keeps bad mouthing him TO YOUR DAUGHTER you need to do better by keeping her away from them until they can restrain themselves. You wait, you’ll be the next person they bad mouth to her about
NTA. You need to tell your mother that if she insists on trashing your ex to his daughter, them she will not be around her. She is harming that child with her words.
YTA I don’t get why would you stay or defend such a person, wake up
NTA. They don’t have to forgive him. They do have to be civil about him when near your daughter.
Perhaps you should stop letting them see your daughter until they can hold their tongues.
YTA for letting your daughter continue a relationship with such a vile woman. You should allow NO ONE speak ill of her dad around her. You’re helping them destroy their relationship.
Nta- they don’t have to forgive him, you can’t control that, but just because they haven’t forgiven him doesn’t mean they should bad mouth him around your daughter. They are adults and can control what they say when she is around
NTA. Explain to your mom and brother that their actions and words could affect your custody with Linda. What she’s doing could be seen as a form of parental alienation since you let her go over by her. Not trying to be that person, but you gotta protect yourself and daughter. Mom’s allowed to be upset, but she has no right to voice it to your child.
Okay, I don’t care if your mother or your brother ever forgive him. That’s not the point here. The point is if what your mother has said it could impact your custody because literally a judge can consider it alienation of affection you might have to at that point. Prevent your daughter from seeing your mother except under supervision. I mean we’re we’re not talking just she doesn’t like his cheating. I’m willing to guess she’s saying some other things along with it but she needs to stop saying it around your daughter that is hurtful to your daughter. It is hurtful to her relationship with her father and his partner and she needs to stop doing it when she does something this young and does it repeatedly, your daughter only stopping when you say something about it doesn’t remove it from her brain or her heart. And sadly it could stay with her for years even though she’s young. She needs to learn that people can have opinions, but it doesn’t mean they’re always right.
Even though I think it’s your mother that needs the counseling, I wonder if you should consider it for your daughter also and you may preemptively want to discuss it with her father that you correct. It is soon as you hear it but he needs to be aware of your mother is doing this. It’s not just that she’s saying bad things. It’s in a way that she is grooming your daughter and implanting ideas that could color her future opinions.
I know it sounds odd to hear the word grooming, but it will have a profound and long-lasting impact on your daughter and the way she sees. The world sees people including her father and not to be rude, but I somehow doubt the comments are restricted to infidelity. I strongly suspect that the comments may also be touching on homosexuality. And we all know that prejudice and hatred are things that are learned and being exposed to it at a very young age makes it much more likely to be ingrained in the first Sunday. And since he and his partner are excellent parents, a to your child. I would hate to see that damaged.