How do I repair my (37M) marriage with my wife (36F)?

Looking for some advice and not quite sure how to start this, so I am just going to dive in and regurgitate my thoughts as they come.

 

My wife and I have been having a very tough time as of recently, and the fights are becoming daily at this point. We both feel like we are not heard, and honestly our marriage is at it’s lowest it’s been and is in dire need of help before it becomes beyond repair.

 

Background: We have two children under five, and are very much in the throes of parenthood and all the struggles that comes with it. My wife is a stay at home mom, and is by and large the ‘default’ parent. This was the decision that was jointly made, as we wanted to raise our children, and not have them in daycare raised by strangers. Secondly, this was somewhat of a financial decision as the loss of income from my wife to stay home was less than the incurred cost of daycare for two children. I am an executive who oversees a large team and has a lot of responsibilities, and am able to provide for our family with my income. We are very fortunate to be in the situation that we are in. More background: I come from a very loving home and was brought up in a nurturing environment. I lost my father at a very young age, and my mother was my primary caretaker before remarrying. We lived in a house of positive affirmations, hugs, and generally love and caring. My wife comes from a home with two parents who generally could not stand each other. She was raised around constant fighting, arguments, and her parents were not very loving and caring. My wife also has an extremely short fuse, and is known by friends and family to have the potential to be argumentative and ‘blowup’. More background: my wife and I met at work in the hospitality business, and our relationship in the beginning was fueled by partying and drinking. It continued to involve drinking semi regularly by both of us until recently.I am a recovering addict, drug free for 14 years, but still battle with my drinking. I am not an everyday drinker, and I go through spells of being dry, but when I do drink, it can turn to excess. I am aware of this character flaw and work on it daily.

 

Being a stay at home mom has weighed heavily on my wife, especially as the years progress. I believe that she suffers from depression, whether postpartum (youngest is two, not sure if applicable), or just generally depressed. She has really struggled with the loss of self, as she is almost always ‘Mom’, and not her own individual person. She feels disconnected with the real world, and only connects on the one night a week that she works for a bit of supplemental income. I greatly empathize with her plight, and continue to push her to get out there and take time for herself. I urge her to plan dinner/drinks/whatever with friends, go out by herself shopping, or find a hobby that can occupy her time and allow her some mental relief. She pushes back on this pretty hard. She is not interested in going out, turns down every new hobby/class/group that I present, and insists that she would rather just have some free time to herself at home. She also harbors resentment towards me, whether subconsciously or not, because in her words, ‘my life has not stopped.’ I am out in the real world, albeit working, and do not bear the mental load of parenthood that she bears. These feelings/her mental state has really driven a wedge between us and we find ourselves constantly fighting anymore.

 

In my view, my wife is unable to see the otherside of the coin. She consistently is telling me that I do not do enough, though I am an active and engaged father when home, and I jump in immediately after my workday to try and relieve some of her pressure. One thing to note, my average work week is around 45 hours, and I am home at night by 5:30 – 6:00 on a regular basis. I love my kids to death and do everything I can with them. I cook dinner for them, do 90% of the bathtime, put at least one of them to bed, if not both (when I am trying to give my wife more time). I maintain our property, do all of the ‘chores’ a dad should do, and am generally a very loving father and husband. Not to mention that I work a full time job to provide for my family, and deal with all the stress and pressure that comes with that responsibility.

 

For clarity, I am by no means a perfect person. While my wife is regimented, schedule oriented, and organized, I am generally a laidback, forgetful, and absentminded person. This is something that I have been working diligently on, both personally and with a counselor, and feel that I have made great strides in this department. Having said this, I am by no means a ‘lazy’ person. Every day I am actively taking care of tasks that need done for our family. But I am the type of person who will walk by a toy on the floor and not even consider that I should probably pick it up and put it back. Also of note, my social life is limited to work, and the one weekend morning a month I golf with friends. I put my main emphasis on my family and being present for them.

 

Recently, my wife has decided to focus on herself, and to try and become a better version of herself. We both gained some weight when we had children and lost all of the time we once had. She is focused on losing weight and making time for herself. I am on this journey with her, and have been supportive from the start. I have amended the time that I leave for work to allow my wife to take the dog for a walk in the morning. I cook and make sure that there are healthy meals  in the fridge for her to eat everyday while I am gone. I have not pressed her to eat junk food, drink, or stay up late. I have encouraged her to work out when she is not feeling motivated, and have generally heaped praise on her, reminding her of how proud I am of what she is doing.

 

In all of this, from about two years ago to present, we seemed to have lost that ‘spark’. My wife just does not seem to have the time for me, and has said that on more than one occasion. She is touched out and exhausted, and by the end of the day there is nothing left for me. I have repeatedly asked her to put some effort into our relationship, so that we can continue to remember that it was our love that initially started this whole life we have. She has not initiated sex in two years, and generally is annoyed when I try, unless we both have been drinking. By no means is sex, or the lack of, the end all be all, but coupled with the general lack of affection (no more writing me notes in my lunch box, is exasperated when I try and come up and hug her/kiss her in the house (beyond the obligatory goodbye/hello kiss), and the little things that used to make me feel love have all but gone. When I have asked her to try and work on these things, she has told me that I am not being supportive of her journey and that I am being selfish.

 

Overall, I am at a loss as to what to do. I know that I can continue to work on myself and try to be a better person, as we all should, but I am just not feeling the effort from her. As previously stated, she is prone to blow ups and anger, and the smallest things seem to set her off. She then speaks very rudely/meanly to me, which I then respond to negatively and it escalates to a full blown, night ender fight. I tell her that she is more than within reason to be frustrated/annoyed that I left the hose on (but nozzle off), forgot to turn off the light, or did not remember that she, in fact, was not working this weekend. However, this does not give her carte blanch to disrespect me and yell at me. When I tell her to not speak to me like that and that I do not deserve that, I am then told I am overly emotional and ‘not a man’. She said I need to be a man who does not get upset by every little thing that she does (disrespects me), and that I need to let things just roll off my back. Not every thing needs to be a big deal.

 

But to me, this is a big deal. My partner should be the one that loves me the most and treats me the best out of anyone else in the world. I don’t get that from her. And do not mistake it, I do know that she loves me and definitely does do things for me, but overall, our relationship just isn’t where it used to be. It’s now been two years of this, and within the last six months the fighting has really ramped up.

 

I know this was a ramble, and honestly it was just cathartic getting it all down on paper. I am not great with my words in the heat of the moment, and often times I find myself unable to really voice what I am trying to say. Any advice on how to navigate this would be appreciated, and received without bias. I do not want my marriage to end as I truly do love this woman, but I also deserve to feel that reciprocated.