I 32f was in an extremely toxic situation with my bd 32m and he tried to get full custody based on lies that were discredited in court but we did come up with a parenting plan. I am the primary parent with him having timesharing. Because I’m primary I usually am lenient with letting him have some extra time (if there’s a birthday party or if they have plans). He got remarried 33f with children and I got remarried to 31m with a son, we both have had children with our new parters and family is very important to me. With our current plan for summer we are week on week off with me having the first and last time sharing week of summer to get her adjusted for school. At the beginning of the summer he asked me if we could switch our exchange days from Monday to Friday because his step children’s schedule followed that and she would get more time with her step siblings. I agreed. This summer I made 7 adjustments in his favor while I asked for one adjustment (asked if she could come to my birthday party) which he denied so I rescheduled my party. Today would have been the last exchange day for the summer and I’m supposed to have her the last week of summer break timesharing so that would include this weekend. He didn’t like that and demanded that I give her to him for the weekend because our exchange day is supposed to be Monday. I told him we switched to Fridays and that would make this my weekend. I said hes more than welcome to take her if he’s asking me to have her for the weekend but it isn’t his weekend. I made this distinction because he’s used me giving into one of his demands before as me admitting to that’s how it’s supposed to be and it got us in some legal debate about it. I told him I would bring her to the exchange if hes asking for her. He insisted he’s not asking and told me he would dumb it down for me and I’m not smart enough to know what a week is, I told him our parenting plan says last timesharing week which would go off the switch days we’ve been using. We argued for days of me explaining I would be happy to let her go to him if he’s asking for her but legally I will not agree that it’s his time sharing day because I don’t feel it will serve me well in the future. He continued the argument saying I’m using her against him and I’m flying off the handle because I wouldn’t agree that it was his day. I don’t feel like I was using our daughter against him because I was willing to let her go to him for the weekend if he asked for her instead of saying it was his timesharing because like I said if I were to agree to that every summer would be up to his interpretation of the parenting plan.4 hours before our meet up he asks me for her and though I want to say no because of the name calling and bullying he’s put me through I did say she could go if he asks. So I am going to let her go this weekend but aita for not just caving at the beginning if she was going to go either way?
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I 32f was in an extremely toxic situation with my bd 32m and he tried to get full custody based on lies that were discredited in court but we did come up with a parenting plan. I am the primary parent with him having timesharing. Because I’m primary I usually am lenient with letting him have some extra time (if there’s a birthday party or if they have plans). He got remarried 33f with children and I got remarried to 31m with a son, we both have had children with our new parters and family is very important to me. With our current plan for summer we are week on week off with me having the first and last time sharing week of summer to get her adjusted for school. At the beginning of the summer he asked me if we could switch our exchange days from Monday to Friday because his step children’s schedule followed that and she would get more time with her step siblings. I agreed. This summer I made 7 adjustments in his favor while I asked for one adjustment (asked if she could come to my birthday party) which he denied so I rescheduled my party. Today would have been the last exchange day for the summer and I’m supposed to have her the last week of summer break timesharing so that would include this weekend. He didn’t like that and demanded that I give her to him for the weekend because our exchange day is supposed to be Monday. I told him we switched to Fridays and that would make this my weekend. I said hes more than welcome to take her if he’s asking me to have her for the weekend but it isn’t his weekend. I made this distinction because he’s used me giving into one of his demands before as me admitting to that’s how it’s supposed to be and it got us in some legal debate about it. I told him I would bring her to the exchange if hes asking for her. He insisted he’s not asking and told me he would dumb it down for me and I’m not smart enough to know what a week is, I told him our parenting plan says last timesharing week which would go off the switch days we’ve been using. We argued for days of me explaining I would be happy to let her go to him if he’s asking for her but legally I will not agree that it’s his time sharing day because I don’t feel it will serve me well in the future. He continued the argument saying I’m using her against him and I’m flying off the handle because I wouldn’t agree that it was his day. I don’t feel like I was using our daughter against him because I was willing to let her go to him for the weekend if he asked for her instead of saying it was his timesharing because like I said if I were to agree to that every summer would be up to his interpretation of the parenting plan.4 hours before our meet up he asks me for her and though I want to say no because of the name calling and bullying he’s put me through I did say she could go if he asks. So I am going to let her go this weekend but aita for not just caving at the beginning if she was going to go either way?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I may be the asshole because instead of just agreeinging with him when I was willing for her to go away for the weekend either way I argued .
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA no more adjustments follow the legal agreement. Stop fucking yourself over for someone who you KNOW is toxic.
edit he’s not stupid he’s going to document as well and one day blindside you with court for an adjustment
NTA and I feel your pain – also coparenting with a toxic ex who takes takes takes when it benefits him but won’t give anything.
Please use a parenting app to communicate with him. You need a record of exactly who texted what. This will be your best defense if he seeks custody again. He needs to get used to hearing no (AKA losing) from you. You need to get used to saying no and meaning it the first time.
JADE is helpful with some people who engage in endless arguments. I am not a therapist, but Google can explain.
While cooperation is very important, you are dealing with someone only looking to take advantage of a situation. To the extent you want to make any accommodations, you NEED to make sure they are in writing (texts are fine… if you keep them). Attorneys can get expensive, but if he trying to alter the agreement you reached with counsel, you may consider making an appointment and getting LEGAL advice (not just reddit). NTA
NTA in this situation. However, you should stop making changes to the already agreed upon custody arrangements. These changes can come back in the end and bite you if he decides to take you back to court. He’s also unwilling to accommodate you even though that’s all you’ve been doing for him.
Moving forward, when he asks for changes, I would simply let him know that it goes against your arrangement and it ruins the schedule your daughter is already in.
NTA. From now on stick to the legal agreement. No changing days, no extra time, stick to what was previously agreed upon or end up back in court.
He’s going to take her for the weekend and not give her back until the following weekend. You’ll call the cops and they’ll say they can’t do anything and for you to take him to court. You’ll go to court the judge will yell at him and he still would have gotten what he wanted don’t let your daughter go with him this weekend.
Updateme
NTA
You need to make plans and stick to them, this “if you ask she can go” bullshit is just relinquishing your authority as primary and causing confusion on his part, because he now thinks he can just bully you to change the calendar later to whatever he wants.
NTA…He’s not been civil, so why reward his bad behaviour?
I think you need to just stick to the parenting plan with no alterations,while its kind and putting your daughter first its making co parenting toxic as this is now a battle of control.
Use a parenting app for essential communication but no deviation from the plan.
Once you stick to it 100% there’s no more arguments – its just per the order.
One he can’t fight for control – there’s no more fight.
You need to revert back to the court-determined parenting plan schedule.
I recommend getting a co-parenting app. My ex and I use Our Family Wizard, and I can build the schedule in there and add events, so everyone knows when the kids are supposed to be where and when everything is happening. There is also a schedule change request if he’s asking to swap days or move things.
These apps are also great for communication between you and him. It keeps a record of EVERYTHING.
NTA, he is trying to play games and you’re just refusing to play.
NTA.
You’ve now, hopefully, learned to not give in to him even once. He’ll always take but will rarely give and that will only be because it’s better fir him.
Stop discussing. No is final.
Nta. Don’t deviate from the plan anymore. Protect yourself. Any changes go through court
Stop making changes in any way, stick to the plan exactly, get a Co parenting app and EVERYTHING has to go through that. It will keep records of all texts dates and times etc. You’re not putting yourself in a great position letting him change days whenever he wants. Plus why the hell are you bending for such an abusive selfish man…
NTA.
Your ex is trying to back you into a bad situation and is trying to manipulate you into losing your temper and seeming unreasonable so he can go to court again and get a judgment against you. I hope you are recording and snapshotting EVERYTHING. Report ALL of it to a lawyer if you have one. If not, GET one if you can. He’s looking to throw a parental-alienation accusation out there to see if it’ll stick.