First time Reddit user and I need some outside perspective. I’m female 30 and my fiance is male 29. For some context, my parents got divorced when I was 7 and we didn’t really have a relationship with my father or his side of family. Over the last 5 years my sister and I got closer with our father again. We currently have a great relationship but we never reconnected with his side of the family. My grandmother on his side passed away last night (Thursday) and the funeral is scheduled for the following Saturday. Which so happens to also be my kitchen tea and batchelorette weekend as well as my fiances stag party, this weekend has been planned for months with people from all over coming to attend. My father wants me to cancel the weekend and come through for the funeral. Would I be the asshole for not canceling the weekends plans and not attending my grandmothers funeral?
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First time Reddit user and I need some outside perspective. I’m female 30 and my fiance is male 29. For some context, my parents got divorced when I was 7 and we didn’t really have a relationship with my father or his side of family. Over the last 5 years my sister and I got closer with our father again. We currently have a great relationship but we never reconnected with his side of the family. My grandmother on his side passed away last night (Thursday) and the funeral is scheduled for the following Saturday. Which so happens to also be my kitchen tea and batchelorette weekend as well as my fiances stag party, this weekend has been planned for months with people from all over coming to attend. My father wants me to cancel the weekend and come through for the funeral. Would I be the asshole for not canceling the weekends plans and not attending my grandmothers funeral?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t cancel my kitchen tea and batchlorette weekend to attend my grandmothers funeral. I could be the asshole for the attending the funeral
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. Not sure of the exact nature of your planned events but a funeral is usually only a couple hours. That being said, I’ve missed funerals for aunts and uncles and even a good friend because I couldn’t get out of work.
Funerals are for the living to say goodbye. Seems like you didn’t know her. Maybe ask yourself how it will affect your relationship with your father if you don’t go. I wouldn’t judge you for not going.
Can you go to the wake instead?
You didn’t personally have a relationship with her, and while it would be great if you could be there for your dad it’s a lot to ask of you to cancel an important occasion for someone you didn’t know. Seems like the natural consequence of your dad not being around when you were younger tbh. I don’t think you’re obligated but if you can attend a wake or another event or show up for your dad on other ways that might be a good compromise.
NTA. My older brother passed back in June. I did not attend his funeral because I had a previous engagement, thankfully the church recorded it and posted it so I could watch it. You don’t even know this woman.
NAH
If it was a normal weekday I would have rated you differently because you should be going to the funeral to support your father who you are now closer with even if you didn’t know the woman much.
However, I am unfamiliar with the idea of having a funeral on a Saturday, which opens up the strong possibility of potential attendees having conflicts, and the nature of what you already have planned outweighs going to the funeral.
I would emphasize when talking to your father that cancelling what you already had planned doesn’t only affect you, it more greatly affects the people who invested the time and expense to travel for your activities.
NAH, but I’m not sure how you expect your father to feel knowing that you were basically partying while he buried his mother. If you want to be close going forward, maybe consider whether this would affect it.
NTA. I wouldn’t change plans.
INFO…What do you really want to do here?
NTA – The first thing most people don’t equate with is that Funerals are not meant for the dead. Funerals are meant for the living. No, you were not close with her and this is a special time for you that has been planned for a long while. People have already been invited and foods, etc have been paid for. However, your dad is going to be grieving and you should make time for speaking to him and checking in on him to help him thru this time even if you can not make it to the funeral of his mother.
NTA. You had no relationship with your grandmother when she was alive, so why pretend at her funeral?
NAH
To be blunt, it doesn’t really matter if you connected with your father’s side of the family or not. Funerals may be about the dead, but they are for the living. Your father is asking you to be there for him while he grieves for his mother. You say you have a great relationship with your father, the question is do you want to keep that? Because, if you don’t attend, you risk doing permanent damage to the relationship. Please don’t think I’m saying that’s fair, I genuinely don’t think it is, but, it is a possible result of not attending.
For information, what’s the geographic situation? I mean, are the funeral and your events happening in the same city? Or are they in totally different places? If they’re in the same city, or within close travelling distance, would it be possible for you to attend the funeral and still have the vast majority of your weekend as you’ve planned it? I get attending a funeral during what should be a joyous celebration is a bit grim, but, is it something that would be possible? If it is, and you don’t want to risk hurting your relationship with your father, my advice would be to make a compromise and go (at least for the funeral itself, even if you skip any reception afterwards). Is having to start a party an hour later worth hurting your relationship with your father?
Of course, if you’ve planned events that involve travel, and have paid out for tickets, etc (and others have done the same), then that’s a hugely different situation and your father probably just needs to suck it up and accept you can’t be there. He can’t fairly expect you to cancel plans that will cost you and multiple others a whole lot of money just to attend the funeral.
No, you’re NTA. I see why this decision is so hard for you though, because it’s not an easy answer. So you have reestablished a relationship with your father, which is great, but you have no connection to his side of the family. So you would be doing this for HIM, not for your grandma, and I get that you don’t want to light a fire to a relationship that was hard to rebuild. But, you have people who have made travel arrangements to come for these events. My best advice is that so long as no one has purchased nonrefundable plane tickets or accommodations, it might be worth rescheduling your weekend only to keep the peace with dad. But if people who are consistent members of your daily life have invested in this trip in a way that they cannot back out unscathed, I’d say keep the trip. I hate that you have to make this decision. Please update!!
NTA go and enjoy your life. If dad had cared more he would have kept the relationships going. This is what you get if you let eachother go.
NTA
you did not have a relationship with grandma OR dad. Focus on the people you actually have a relationship with – and have your Bachellorette instead of the funeral.
If you were a guest at a bachelorette party, it would be different. But going to the funeral would mean all your friends would be inconvenienced. They may have bought new outfits, gifts etc, and some may have come from far away to your celebration. Also your fiance would be expected to attend, as you are practically a couple, and usually spouses attend the funeral of each other’s relatives, and this would put a damper on his stag do as well,even if he did not go with you to the funeral. I think you need to tell your dad that as much as you would like to support him, there are a big number of people who would, if not exactly suffer, but would be not very happy about you cancelling your party, and their feelings matter, too.
NTA
I was ready today YTA, but after reading your reasoning there is no reason for you to be at the funeral, you didn’t know your grandma and the relationship with your dad is not that deep
Go enjoy your weekend and have a happy life going forward
NTA but sometimes funerals can be linked so you can watch it online. Tell your father you will do this and it’s up to you how much you watch.
His mother just died so I would expect him to be a little hurt.
It isn’t your grandma that is the problem, it is your father. He just lost his mom. He is asking for support.
Depending on your relation with him, you could send flowers, a text to be read, something to show you are present in spirit. On the day of the funeral call him before and after the ceremony (yes, even during your bachelorette), not with the noise of people having fun behind you but in a quiet setting. To show him that you are there for him.
NTA I would go for visitation a day or two before. But skipped the funeral. What terrible luck!
NTA. This man didn’t have a relationship with you until you were 25. His family could’ve still had a relationship with you and chose not to. Yet he expects you to choose the people that walked away from you, instead of your the celebrations before your wedding. You don’t owe his family that kind of importance when they chose to walk away from you.
NAH I can understand that your dad wants you there but since you don’t have a relationship with your late grandmother you don’t have to attend. Your father has his whole family there for support. It will put a damper on your relationship with him but it’s also not fair from him to tell you to cancel everything. This isn’t just a visit to the movies but people who took time off and took money into their hands to travel and stay in your area.
It would be different if that would have been your most beloved grandma who you very absolutely close to. But a person you weren’t in contact with for 23 years? Nope. It’s okay not to go.
Yta
Oh my goodness wow. Just wow.
The fact that you do not have enough decency or family loyalty to know this without asking is just wild.
This is tough – Question: Did your Father know about your plans? He should have taken them into account when planning the funeral.
Maybe someone else has already asked this, but is there any reason why you can’t attend the funeral—reasonably cutting just a few daytime hours out of the party schedule—and still have your bachelorette weekend?
Because honestly, skipping the funeral altogether is one thing—but skipping it in favor of partying is in spectacularly poor taste and not remotely bound to enhance your relationship with your dad.
My question is – did you plan these events for yourself or are others hosting it for you? If others are hosting you can’t cancel on them. If it’s your monetary investment then it’s up to you.
Rescheduling on Sunday is completely out of the question?
YWBTA
She’ll only ever have one funeral – and you’d be there as much for your dad and sister as you would be for your deceased grandmother. Your weekend can be rescheduled – the funeral cannot. Nor can you undo the damage to your relationships caused by skipping.
NTA but I think it would mean a lot to your dad if you are there.
I can’t count the number of times my family and I had to cancel our plans because loved ones of our family, friends and neighbours had died. However, I’m African so things might work differently for you.
Your father disappeared for most of your life and now wants to force your hand to prioritise a woman you never even had a relationship with? NTA.
NTA. This is someone who hasn’t been in your life for years, you said it yourself. You’ve reconnected with your dad, sure. But over the many years your parents were divorced, it sounds like your grandmother couldn’t be bothered to maintain a relationship with her grandchildren. Your dad also can’t suddenly decide to be a dad and tell you what to do. Go with your original plans.
Sadly, Yes, you would be. You will always be known as the woman who put a herself and parties over her grandmother’s funeral. People won’t care about details. You will be THAT bride. Your entire wedding talk will be about that – for years to come. Maybe you can adjust your party to a different time? I know this isn’t what you want to hear and I will accept all the downvotes for telling the truth, but unfortunately I am telling you the truth.
NAH. Funerals might be for the burial and the goodbye of the person who died but it’s also a family reunion and to show each other you’re there to support them. Right now you’re showing your dad that you care more about partying with your friends than to be there to support him because he just lost his mother. Losing a parent especially a mother sucks and it doesn’t matter how old you are.
YTA. Yes, go to your grandma’s funeral. Be sure that grandma would prefer that the funeral be unnecessary.
She didn’t know you in life, you don’t owe her in death. It’s all well and good for your dad to want you to do whatever, but where TF was he for 18 years, and her for 23?
NTA.
I get that you have a good relationship now, but he cannot pretend that the past 18/23 years meant nothing. How many life troubles did you go through where you needed him to be there and he wasn’t? So this is where you are, and that’s not your fault.
Edit: I would disregard all the y t as. Some sound like they only read the title. Which, don’t get me wrong. I was ready to blast you as well. This is way more complicated.
NTA
Try to be there for him this week.
Life is for the living. If I were the deceased, I would want you to celebrate you upcoming wedding.
YTA – you’re going to show support for your father, not the deceased.
You WILL hurt your relationship with your father if you skip the funeral, especially since he knows you chose to party instead. You’re in a no-win situation, but family emergencies happen to all of us. Try to see if you can compromise – spend Saturday with your father, and Sunday with your bachelorette guests.
NTA – go to the funeral home with Dad today. View her and help him with final arrangements. Pay your respects.
If you want to continue to have a relationship with your father, you should go. I understand not being there the whole weekend right before your wedding, but you should attend this funeral. Supporting your father when he has asked for your help is more important than a party.
INFO-I am going to ask the same question a few did and has yet to be answered. How far apart distance wise is the parties and funeral? Typically funerals last a few hours to a few days (depending on religion and culture). Also what is the expectation from your dad as far as your presence?
I ask because I once had to cancel plans and book an expensive trip for a funeral to only be background and my presence not even needed. Even though it was the one grandparent I didn’t have a relationship with (grandfathers second wife not my actual grandmother). I went only because I was guilted by my mom and found out from that alone that It was just for her to see me and not for the funeral or to be needed.
I’ll be honest – if I were at a bachelorette party and found out the bride had chosen to skip her grandmother’s funeral to party, especially after her father asked her to be there, it would affect how I saw her as a person.
I’m not here to hand out a judgment, just sharing how I think I’d feel if I knew you in real life.
NTA. This situation sucks. This is a special time for you too! It’s not just a party it’s your life. I hope you enjoy your time. If your dad isn’t happy you’re happy, probably not the last time he’ll ask you to sacrifice your happiness for his.
You have had multiple parties planned for months for this Saturday. When they set up the funeral to be Sat and no Fri or Sun, that was a choice your father and his family made. Not your problem. Go enjoy your wedding functions and tell Dad you can’t cancel them so last minute. You’re NTA.
Info- are party events in the same town as the funeral? Could you go to visitation to fulfill your duty? How close are you to your dad and do you want to continue the relationship?
If your dad needs your emotional support while he buries his mother, please think about it.
If he’s just worried about how it’s going to look, definitely stick with your plan.
NTA for your own sake. You weren’t close to her but if it’s because he needs support at a difficult time do consider that it may affect the relationship you are building with him.
Your father is asking for your support. I went to my grandmother’s funeral for my mom, not my grandmother.
You are within your rights to not go to the funeral, but think about what the consequences will be if you don’t go versus if you do go. What are you willing to live with?
Absolutely NTA.
How was your Father not there for you when you needed him but expects you to be there for him now?
For that matter how come the Grandmother wasn’t either?
Did they try to have a relationship and was prevented by your Mom?
You owe your Father nothing. If you really had an equally caring relationship with him he wouldn’t expect this.
I think it is more about how his kids not being there will make him look. He doesn’t want to explain to extended family that HE didn’t foster a relationship between his kids & his family.
I can’t believe he doesn’t expect to walk you down the aisle.
If people make you a priority they show it. Equally in the opposite.
Enjoy your day with those who made you a priority.
NAH but you have to accept that the relationship between your father and you will change.
My sister didn’t show up for our grandmothers funeral and I no longer talk to her.
You’re NTA since you weren’t close to her, but idk how your relationship with your dad will be
Info: What is a Kitchen Tea?
Imo it’s an asshole move not to show up for your father if you’re hoping to have a good relationship with him going forward.
NAH, but be aware that this decision will set your relationship with your father to “acquaintance” level from here on out. Whatever you decide, accept the consequences of the decision.
YTA
Going to a funeral isn’t all about the deceased person. It’s to support their family and friends who are grieving. I’ve been to the funerals of friends’ parents for that reason.
Question, knowing your grandmother, what do you feel she’d say if she was still here if you asked her for advice about this?
Soft YTA if u dont even try to postpone the party & go to your Grandmothers funeral
NTA
Your father was probably involved in setting the funeral date…. He should have realized he was putting you in an impossible situation.
NAH you don’t need to attend a funeral for a virtual stranger just because you share blood however your dad can also be upset that you’re partying instead of going to the funeral. His mother did just die.
YTA
NTA. he plays lowkey dad for almost two decades and expects a lot, this is an important time for you.
you didn’t know those family members, it would’ve been odd to have gone just for your father, you can be there for him afterwards but you had prior plans with other people, some i’m assuming, are also family.
NTA- you had no relationship with them. It would be almost like cancelling for a strangers funeral.
INFO people keep asking because it’s important: what are the logistics of the weekend? Would you have to cancel the whole weekend to make it to the funeral, or could you push back the bachelorette party a couple of hours to attend the funeral?
YTA
A funeral is not just to pay respect to the person who has died but also to give support and comfort to those going through that loss. Your dad needed you. Instead, you want to make it about you and continue your celebration party?
You already have family now. Your dad needs you. Tea can come later.
Your spelling of “bachelorette” had me in stitches. Thanks for making my day.
Holy fuck, your father’s MOTHER just fucking died and you’re off partying with your friends?
He probably feels like you don’t give a fuck about him either lol