Ex husband 31M reaching out to me 31F – how do I say no thanks?

A little back story,

I got married in 2016 at 22 years old in the Mormon church to my now ex. We were married for 3 yrs, together for 4. Our marriage began with a very traumatic event – his dad tragically passed away from a bike accident and was the ICU during our wedding. The day after our honeymoon the family decided to take him off life support. That kind of became the foundation of our marriage. I had never been through a death like this. I did my best to meet his needs during his time of grief and would justify certain actions because of his trauma/grief. How could I invalidate his feelings?

Through the years reg flags appeared. When discussing having children he told me I couldn’t have anyone in the labor room with us. No friends, not my mom, not my sister. Just us. I did give him pushback saying that I would at least need my mom there. I’m Brazilian, and I am very close with my family. The conversation turned into a fight about how I got the wedding I wanted and he wasn’t going to budge on this. Especially knowing how important being a dad is him now that his dad has passed. He would use Bible verses like “leave thy father and thy mother and cleave unto thy spouse”. I remember I was the one who ended up apologizing for wanting my mom in the labor room with us. It felt like I was the only one apologizing the whole marriage.

When I KNEW something wasn’t right and would ask him for an apology he was able to manipulate the conversation to where it ended up being me feeling bad about whatever we were talking about and I would apologize!

We went to couple therapy through the church and he did individual therapy, but some time later his therapist moved. I asked him if he was going to find another one because it seemed to really help him, he stated that he knows all the information he needs to know and when he does go to therapy he is told he is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing so why waste time when he has all the tools.

Fast forward to 2019, I was working at a psychiatric institute and had a great friend group there, but I was getting ready to quit because we bought various flights to a bunch of countries since we wanted to start traveling. We dropped a lot of money on this. One of my coworkers had already been working there 1.5 years and her and I just grew close. I was able to vent to her about my marriage and we would talk about our sex lives with our partners to each other. I learned the term “gaslighting” from her. I was grateful she had my back and I could confide in her.
One day me, this coworker, and other female coworker went to watch a horror film at the theater and during the movie she kept asking if I was okay and we held hands because I was genuinely disturbed and freaked out by the movie 😂 but after that something change. I felt a sexual chemistry between this coworker and I that I had never felt before.
This led to me having a faith crisis and telling my husband I may be attracted to women which he replied “that’s hot”. Things went downhill from there. He gave consent for me to get to know this coworker and would check our texts and would let me know if certain things were okay or not. We discussed me kissing her but did not come up with boundaries. He also came up with the idea of me watching gay porn.

With no set boundaries, lines were blurred and I cheated. I ended up kissing this coworker twice and lying about it to him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, but I was so miserable and she was there for me. I confessed to him and got called every name in the book. He told me I had to go tell my parents which I couldn’t so he told them that I had an affair with a woman. We went on one trip to Peru to see if we could make it work and I was absolutely awful. All I could think about is this coworker and how I felt when I was with her. I wasn’t comfortable around him anymore and all I could offer was sex. I didn’t know what to do and found a therapist because he told me to. We separated and came up with rules that I could go on dating apps and talk to women online but I couldn’t go on actual dates. As well as I cant contact my coworker. He was allowed to go on dating apps but also go on dates. He went on 2-3 dates while we were separated that I know of.

A big thing for me was during our marriage I would ask him to do certain things which he refused to do. Some examples: brushing his teeth twice a day, wearing a seatbelt, and one that really hurt my feelings because it involved putting on a topical medication on my back due to discoloration – something I was insecure about. He refused to do all of those things. With the medication he said the smell was nasty and wouldn’t touch it, not even with a glove. Also said he wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as me if I put it on.

Back to July/August 2019, when he realized he was going to loose me he listed all these things I asked him to do and said he would do all of them for me, begging me to not end our marriage. Crying and apologizing for how he treated me, but we were 3 years in and I was done emotionally and mentally. The one thing I regret was not asking for the divorce, he actually did. I know it was very hard and painful for him to do that when it should have been me. I should have done it.

We divorce in October of 2019. He remarries another woman who is also Brazilian 5 months later March of 2020. During this time he becomes an influencer and moves to Brazil. In 2022 a friend of mine sent me a video he posted of a video/ slideshow with a song where the lyrics are about a woman being unfaithful along with various photos of him when he was miserable which also included a picture of me and him (my face was hidden) and it ends with photos of his now wife and how happy he is. From our divorce until this day I have not posted anything online about him. I did a “put a finger down challenge” on TikTok about our marriage right when we divorced but deleted it a couple of days later, but since then I have no reached out nor care to.

Fast forward to June 2025 I receive a message on Instagram from his verified account but the message looked so bizarre I wondered if it was spam. He wrote “Hey, $2 or a mystery message in your DMs? Lol this may sound crazy, but would you be open to talking in a video chat?”. I ignored this message. That same week I find out through the Brazilian community that he divorced his 2nd wife.

Two days ago I received another message this time on Facebook messenger that says “Hi! I know this sounds louco, but would you be willing to talk sometime? I had a really sweet experience the other month and would like to share it with you”.

I’m so curious to know what he has to say but I absolutely do not want to talk to him. I don’t care enough to know. I don’t want him to hold anymore space in my life and I don’t want him to get the satisfaction of getting my attention.

How do respond? The way we ended our marriage was awful and traumatic for the both of us and now 6 years later he wants to talk??

Within these past 6 years I left the Mormon church, came out as bisexual, and in May of 2020 to this day I have been with said movie theater coworker 😊. We have built an amazing life together with our two dogs and cat. Both went to nursing school together and have made good progress with my parents who are still very much active in the church and don’t support our relationship but has been respectful. 5 years together and I’m still crazy and in love with her. I don’t want my ex to have any access to my life. I don’t want to share anything with him.