This is my first Reddit post, so bear with me. I (36f) am in a fairly new relationship with (48m). We both have children from previous marriages, and we have known each other for about 7 months. He is about to have to have surgery for a deviated septum. I would like to be there for him, as he was there for my surgery(sterilization), and took care of me afterwards. The problem is that he scheduled his surgery on my daughter’s 7th birthday (Yes, he should have known that it was her birthday, it is less than a week difference from his son’s and has been brought up before). Her birthday will be on a Monday, and her father will have her the weekend before, so we are probably going to go out to eat the night of her birthday. My kids have went through hell due in the past year due to their alcoholic father, so I am very protective of their mental health and feelings, so I definitely want to celebrate her birthday with her. Since my divorce, I have vowed to put my kids first, and he says that he understands that is my stance, but he feels like the partner should come first because that is what it says in the Bible and thinks we can wait to celebrate her birthday on the next weekend. He does not understand why I can’t be there for him. I could get my mother to get her on the school bus and take him down there that morning, but would not be able to stay with him that night due to our plans. He says not to worry about it at all now, that he would get someone else to take him. I feel bad because he was there for me, but now I can’t be there for him. I am a people pleaser and this is stressing me out. Am I wrong to tell him I can’t be there for him?
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This is my first Reddit post, so bear with me. I (36f) am in a fairly new relationship with (48m). We both have children from previous marriages, and we have known each other for about 7 months. He is about to have to have surgery for a deviated septum. I would like to be there for him, as he was there for my surgery(sterilization), and took care of me afterwards. The problem is that he scheduled his surgery on my daughter’s 7th birthday (Yes, he should have known that it was her birthday, it is less than a week difference from his son’s and has been brought up before). Her birthday will be on a Monday, and her father will have her the weekend before, so we are probably going to go out to eat the night of her birthday. My kids have went through hell due in the past year due to their alcoholic father, so I am very protective of their mental health and feelings, so I definitely want to celebrate her birthday with her. Since my divorce, I have vowed to put my kids first, and he says that he understands that is my stance, but he feels like the partner should come first because that is what it says in the Bible and thinks we can wait to celebrate her birthday on the next weekend. He does not understand why I can’t be there for him. I could get my mother to get her on the school bus and take him down there that morning, but would not be able to stay with him that night due to our plans. He says not to worry about it at all now, that he would get someone else to take him. I feel bad because he was there for me, but now I can’t be there for him. I am a people pleaser and this is stressing me out. Am I wrong to tell him I can’t be there for him?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told bf I could not take him to his surgery. He was there for me when I had my surgery, and I feel bad that I can’t be there for his.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Pushing back her birthday would not be the worst thing in the world. But the fact that a grown man is not grasping the consequences of the mistake he made by picking a day important to a child to have a surgery, really makes me wonder how a 7 year old is supposed to grasp that she can’t have a party on the actual day because said grown up couldn’t be bothered to remember when her birthday is. Celebrate her birthday on the actual day. Maybe then he will finally remember when it is. Or he can move the surgery to his kid’s birthday and push his celebration back a week.
NTA – Oh no … quoting the bible to you to justify putting him first?! No no no. Your children should always come first over some new boyfriend.
Rethink this guy. Seriously.
You’re children come first. End of discussion. NTA x
Oh no, no, no. He does not come before your children and the fact that he would say that (and hang it on the Bible) is a red flag in my opinion.
Oh boy. It says in the Bible. Well, it sounds like the Bible is important to him, but not important enough when it came time to divorce his wife. So he has shown flexibility with that book before. I’d wager this is not gonna be your first Reddit post about this relationship. So I think the usual Reddit response is justified here. Dump him
NTA. The needs of a 7 yr old child should come before a boyfriend.
NTA.
The Bible is full of commands putting women beneath men and I honestly don’t know why any woman with any self respect gives any regard to the book and its “teachings.”
I would almost say NAH, except for that comment from the Bible. It’s funny how people pick and choose things from the Bible to suit them and discard the rest. But then again, it also says menstruating women should be banished from the home, so…..
Anyway, you are in a tough spot. But how long has he lived with a deviated septum? Has it gotten more serious or problematic?
You say he knew when your daughter’s birthday is. If he had the option to schedule the surgery for his convenience, and given his little Bible reference, I wonder if he is testing your loyalties here. 🚩🚩. Which is NOT cool
“That is what it says in the Bible” NTA. Run.
NTA but the fact you are even torn about this says you need to recenter your priorities to your kids. This man is nearly 50 years old, he should have a whole social support circle at his age. He scheduled on a date you were not available, he can and should arrange a ride without even thinking about trying to change your plans.
NTA. Kids come first. Out of curiosity, does he eat bacon/pork?
Nta I bet he scedualed that on purpose to test your commitment to him run from.the red flags
NTA I’ve had surgery for a deviated separate and he’ll be just fine. It’s not like he won’t be able to walk or talk or anything like that he honestly may not even be in much pain as all they send you home with is Tylenol (if they don’t tell you to get it from over the counter)
If any man told me he should come before kids my kids because “the bible says so” I would tell him to eat dirt
NTA. Your minor children come before any relationship. Period. He scheduled his surgery on your daughter’s birthday. A deviated septum is not an emergency surgery. HE could easily put the surgery off. Instead, he is waving around his book of stories to justify his demand that HE, a grown-ass man, should come before your soon-to-be 7-year-old child. His elective surgery should come before a child who in your own words has gone through hell for a year. No, ma’am. He couldn’t even make it a whole year before he started trying to turn your children into second-class citizens. If you are going to honor the vow you made to put your children first, here is your chance to put your money where your mouth is.
The Bible thing is concerning. Are you both very religious?
If not – run. A man bringing up “the bible says” to you if you’re not both into the Bible is only looking to control you or dictate the relationship.
If you both ARE religious then did you agree to / discuss what a “biblical” relationship means to each of you earlier in the relationship? If not, you better have that conversation ASAP because it doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page about definitions and if you continue with this guy it’s only going to get worse.
Tbh I can’t imagine being with any man – especially one who is already a parent himself! – who would say that a partner comes first. That’s worrisome. Kids are first ALWAYS… whether step-children or bio children, kids come first. If he views that differently then you two might not ultimately be compatible.
But you’re NTA and he is definitely TA and also kind of a shitty dad. Decide whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who is a shitty parent…
NTA you barely know this guy and he’s telling you he should come first according to the Bible 🤮
He’s taking the Bible words out of context. He‘s not a marital partner. He’s probably closer to relationship you’d have with some random guy you meet at the gas station than he is to being your marital partner.
Your daughter 100% depends on you and your responsibilities are 100% to her not him.
Based on his expectations/comments, this is not a guy that’s best for you and your daughter
Stay overnight with an adult. I’m sure he will live. Put your daughter first. She is a child and it is her birthday.
Wow, he surely is trying to manipulate you. You told up front your children come first. Him saying something about the Bible? He’s not your husband so put the window. He’s getting his nose fixed which is great for him. He will breathe better. Stick to your boundaries. Your children first.
My partner has children from his first marriage, I’m child free. I understand that the kids come first. Also understand that sometimes things don’t go to plan. I had cancer a couple of years back and the appointments just prior to getting the diagnosis for biopsies and stuff I wanted him there for all of them but work couldn’t accommodate his time off for all. So my dad came to one, my mum another. If he said don’t worry about it, then don’t… he either gets it and you’re worrying about nothing or he is being passive aggressive
NTA. Get out of this relationship. I personally feel he booked it then on purpose.
He can change the surgery date.
This can and probably would do irreparable damage to your daughter.
> Since my divorce, I have vowed to put my kids first,
as you should! good for you, being a caring and responsible parent.
> and he says that he understands that is my stance,
also good! you have clearly communicated, and he knows what your boundaries are regarding this.
> but he feels like the partner should come first because that is what it says in the Bible
not good! it shows that he doesn’t respect your children’s feelings, or your decisions. he clearly understands that you have made a firm decision for the good of your children, but thinks that he should be able to veto that and that he should come ahead of them. this is not only damaging to your kids mental health, (as you well know or you never would have made this decision in the first place,) but it also demonstrates a dismissive and controlling attitude. he understood your decision and feelings but simply thinks that how he feels is more important, and that it’s ok for him to make you change your mind.
the reason for making promises like this to yourself, is to stop things from spiralling out of your control. he understands that and doesn’t like it, because he wants you to be under his control. it’s a bad sign that your own policy is designed to detect.
you already know what to do. listen to yourself.
NTA
NTA. Kids come first. He sounds crazy bringing up the Bible. That would cause me to end things right there!
NTA. But if your asshole boyfriend is going to quote the Bible to you to control you, remind him that the Bible also says to not have sex if you’re not married so sex is not happening anymore. He seems like a controlling ass and Bible quotes to control you is a huge red flag.
He ain’t your husband? Then no. Kids come first before new relationships. They come equal to family.
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pretty sure the bible doesn’t cover boyfriends, just husbands, but even then he can fuck off. NTA
NTA
And take this as a warning of where he stands, and keep in mind that there are also bible verses that can be used to defend physical violence towards a wife, and children.
So here’s the thing about the Bible… it assumes your partner is your children’s father. The passage implies God wants a woman to place her husband as the head of the household, not ignore her children’s wellbeing. In your case, the children came before your current partner and you definitely owe more consideration to them than the new partner. The kids are innocent and need their mother to be the stabilizing force in their life, not the person who teaches them they aren’t important. I can tell you from experience, my own mother did this and still regrets it. I still hear her telling casual acquaintances (ie: the technician at her vet’s office) that they should really wait until their kids are out of high school before remarrying, because they can/will never love your kids the way you do. I remind her that all people are different and that we both know people who have been great stepparents, but she is genuinely traumatized by decisions she made. For us, all ended well, our stepdad grew up a lot and ended up being loved by us, but the early years were rough. Protect and choose your kids, there’s a lot of fish in the sea if he doesn’t agree with you.
Breaking out bible versus to get me to pick him over my kid would give me the ick.
Hmmm….pardon me being a bit judgy, but I find it ironic that a divorced man would quote the bible about the commitment of spouses to one another. When the bible says your partner should come first, it assumes that your partner is the parent of your child and that they are your spouse. When both parents are invested in the child, the natural order of things falls into place because both have similar commitments to the marriage and family. When divorce happens, and especially when the kids are left with one parent who is seriously lacking (like an alcoholic), the other parent must put the needs of their kids before anyone else’s needs, even a new partner.
You know your kid’s needs. You know she’s been through a lot. AND – birthdays are big deals to kids. Your daughter may or may not remember that you celebrated her birthday in a big way this year because you probably always make a big deal out of birthdays, but she for sure would remember that one year you didn’t celebrate her and went to take care of your boyfriend instead. In later years when y’all are struggling through her teen years, she will understand that no matter what, you’ve got her back.
I have never been a single parent, but I do know it’s hard enough to be a good parent with a partner to share the responsibility. The fact that you are asking this question, concerned about your daughter’s feelings tells me you are a good mom. Keep your chin up and keep the good work going!
NTA, how would it even make sense for you to have to get a babysitter to be there for him at night? What would he even need help with? If I was having this surgery I would prefer my husband to stay with the kids, especially on a birthday, but also because I’m a big girl.
Do take a close look at what his values are and whether they align with yours.
Hard to not prioritize the Bible comment but, here goes. He was there for you, which is admirable. he needs to reschedule his surgery or accept the fact it conflicts with your daughter’s birthday, which he was aware of. If he can’t or won’t reschedule then obviously you won’t be available to him as you would have on any other day. Better you know the issues now after only 7 months, and haven’t wasted 7 years.
You’ve only known him for seven months. Pretty sure it’s a little soon for him to call himself your partner. He’s being manipulative. You made it clear your kids come first. Bible quotes don’t matter. Seems like a red flag to me.
NTA
NTA. He says he understands that your kids come first EXCEPT when he “needs” you, and bringing up the Bible to guilt trip you unacceptable. I see RED FLAGS.
NTA, you have only been dating for 7 months. Your children come first. He is also trying to control your actions with the Bible. You are dating, not married. Dating is about seeing if a person is compatible to you. Your values and his values do not line up. You also gain a glimpse into why he is not married. End the relationship and move on.
NTA. You put your children first! Don’t let him change that.
NTA the bible also says you should be married. He can’t pick and choose the bible. He can change his surgery date if he wants you there.
NTA.
Run oh my god. Quoting the Bible at you to try and manipulate you into violating a boundary you set to put your children first is not okay. Depending on how in control of his surgery date he was, I’d argue he scheduled it that day on purpose to put you in this situation. Please leave him.
NTA. You describe this relationship as “fairly new” yet he believes you should put him before your own children because of the Bible? Yikes. Considering he has children and a girlfriend, it seems he doesn’t take everything in the Bible as gospel, which makes that Bible comment a major red flag.
NTA. Your daughter is still very young and it’s her birthday mom, there’s no decision to make here!
Just…No! So many red flags here. He’s 48yrs old, he can drive himself to hospital and back the next day. One night in hospital by himself wont kill him, he’ll probably be drugged up anyway. It’s not a major surgery, definitely not on par with sterilisation!
This is very early in the relationship to be saying he comes first over your kids. But it’s also good, because now you see his true colours. Go to your kid’s birthday, and maybe re-think this relationship.