Hey everyone, I think I might be getting gaslighted here, but let me start from the very beginning.
I (28M) rent an apartment together with my girlfriend (26F). Since I earn more and I turned one of the smaller rooms into my home office, we split the rent 65% (me) / 35% (her). On top of that, the car she drives is leased under my name, and I pay for half of the monthly payment. Last month, my girlfriend just didn’t send me her part of the rent. No heads-up, no discussion. She just told me she decided she wouldn’t pay for that month, and that’s it. Meanwhile, she bought herself two new handbags. Now that the next rent payment is coming up, I told her that either she pays the missed month, or I’ll use our deposit to cover August and starting September, we’ll look for separate places. She got mad and said I’m the one being unreasonable here.
The thing is, I honestly wouldn’t even mind covering for her for one month if she had talked to me. What boils me is that she made that decision without telling me, just assumed I’d pay and she could skip her share. She has plenty of savings and a well-paying job, yet she pulled this arguing that I’m not poor either.
Is it me being AITA here for being angry and doing this?
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Hey everyone, I think I might be getting gaslighted here, but let me start from the very beginning.
I (28M) rent an apartment together with my girlfriend (26F). Since I earn more and I turned one of the smaller rooms into my home office, we split the rent 65% (me) / 35% (her). On top of that, the car she drives is leased under my name, and I pay for half of the monthly payment. Last month, my girlfriend just didn’t send me her part of the rent. No heads-up, no discussion. She just told me she decided she wouldn’t pay for that month, and that’s it. Meanwhile, she bought herself two new handbags. Now that the next rent payment is coming up, I told her that either she pays the missed month, or I’ll use our deposit to cover August and starting September, we’ll look for separate places. She got mad and said I’m the one being unreasonable here.
The thing is, I honestly wouldn’t even mind covering for her for one month if she had talked to me. What boils me is that she made that decision without telling me, just assumed I’d pay and she could skip her share. She has plenty of savings and a well-paying job, yet she pulled this arguing that I’m not poor either.
Is it me being AITA here for being angry and doing this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I made it clear I won’t pay for another month (August) as long as she won’t pay her missing share from July – which might in the worst scenario lead to terminating our contract.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. if you guys agreed to split payment of the rent AND you’re doing the majority, the least she can do is discuss with you.
This sounds like a Relationship Test of some kind. Does she pull this kind of cr*p on a regular basis? If so, I mean, that’s a really big red flag. NTA
NTA
You need to explain it to her in unequivocal terms that she can pay her share or you’re done. This situation is a massive red flag.
Her behavior will only get worse. Is this really someone you want to be with?
NTA
It’s either a test, or she doesn’t give a shit. Stand your ground.
NTA.
I would 100% break up with this person if they’re not willing to have a heart to heart about what’s going on. It sounds like she may be spending outside of her means and is trying to put up a bold front about it.
Sounds like there is a bigger issue. Business is Business and both need to cover their agreement. I don’t blame you for holding her accountable, but I’d think there is a bigger issue than just money.
Like you said, not a big deal if she would have talked to you first.
NTA. She straight-up freeloaded and got mad when you had boundaries. That’s not how adult relationships work. If someone can afford handbags, they can afford rent. Don’t let her flip it like you’re the problem
NTA
she broke an agreement that you two had without any notice or willingness to communicate. Does seem like a bit of a test to see if you’re willing to “provide” so that she can spend her money on the stuff she wants eg. 2 new bags.
Your response did seem a bit harsh to basically say that you’d rather just break up/move out. Fighting fire with fire usually isnt going to lead to productive conversations which you clearly need now
NTA. Kind of shitty of her to take advantage like that. Lack of respect. But at least she’s showing you her true colors now.
you know you’re not
NTA.
Now run, run fast. The simple fact that she decided to not pay her rent without talking about it to you shows that she is not financially responsible.
If you want to try to work with her, sit down and talk through why she didn’t pay last month. She needs to provide a real reason, not just that she decided not to on a whim. If you can resolve that, then move onto discussing how she will repay the arrears and the current month, and her share of the car lease. And how she will pay those going forward.
To be blunt here, you are financially tied to her with the shared rent and the car lease. She can destroy or at least damage your credit record very easily. Right now, based on this story, I would cut all of those connections, ending the apartment lease, returning the car.
Nta You shouldn’t be helping with the car.
Nta
Be prepared for the next step which will be stay at home wife when you get married. It seems the expectation will be you pay for everything and she takes everything. This was not a test, this is how she views her future. You’re the man you provide. Done.
She has shown you your future, it’s up to you to make a choice.
NTA—when a female does this, it’s only going to get worse. She’ll just stop working and expect you to pay for it all. Move out and take your car. She needs a wake up call
Nta but run. She’s selfish. Stop letting her drive a car you lease!
NTA. Sounds like next month is her turn to cover the bills solo.
No you are NTA. She’s taking advantage and it will become a habit if it goes unchecked now. It would be different if she had lost her job or was financially struggling but that doesn’t seem to be the case here so you are definitely NTA. If she has the money to pay her share she needs to do so expeditiously
NTA
It isn’t who pays for what and what you may decide with a gf.
The issue is the manipulation and her getting mad at you because you can afford it – when the issue is you didn’t talk about it first and agree. So yes, gaslighting and poor communication and negotiation skills on her part.
So you also need to assess whether you want to continue in a relationship with someone that does not have relationship skills or mind set.
I’d say its time to move on.
She’s garbage. She wants you to pay all her bills just because. Do not tolerate it.
Did she explain to you exactly how you’re being unreasonable? Because it’s very easy to say that but a lot harder to back it up. It would be very interesting to say see what kind of mental gymnastics she’s doing to come up with a reason why she’s right and you’re wrong. Regardless though, she is clearly taking advantage of you. Run as fast as you can.
NTA – if she’s having problems with her budget, she needs to speak to you about it. If this relationship is heading toward marriage — you needs to work this out now. You might have to open a ‘bill pay’ checking account to deposit your portions of the rent, utilities, etc. and get them funded in advance so there are no last minute surprises. That account should be funded for a few months in advance — especially if purchasing 2 purses throws her that far off.
Your employers can direct deposit money into more than one account. Get those set up and she won’t be able to over spend again — that joint account is to only pay actual necessities.
It sounds like she’s wanting you to pay more than your share. Careful with the birth control — you don’t want any surprises there either.
Pre marriage/starting a life together is the job interview. If it’s messed up then, imagine how much worse it’ll get.
Stand your ground. She doesn’t respect you. NTA
NTS, time to bail as she’s slowly making you the guy who pays her bills though she’s perfectly capable of paying them. She’s disrespectful and using you,
NTA
Start planning the exit strategy. As in not living separate as in punting her to the curb.
Why the hell are you leasing her a car?
Fake
Count your blessings. You are getting away cheaply.
NTA.
Nta. She’s a user.
NTA – She’s a poor communicator and an even worse girlfriend!
Sounds like she decided to become a live-in girlfriend without telling you. This is a small step. If you were to let her off this time, she would have taken it further next time. Next thing you know, she wants to quit her job and be “taken care of” because you can afford it.
Red Flag warning here; don’t renew the lease and break up. She is only with you for your wallet and her complete and utter lack of communication and consideration screams she doesn’t even like you that much.
Do you want to marry this girl? Is she your “current situation” or your “future wife” because those two people get treated differently. Future wife and you need to go to a therapist, current situation needs to be addressed like a roommate. NTA
there is nothing wrong with a stay at home woman and a working man some men want to provide for their woman that way and some woman want to be fully provided for. what’s weird is the fact you guys don’t even have kids and she just wants to stay at home and do nothing? at the end of the day if you aren’t comfortable with being the one who provides financially for both you and her you need to break up with her because that’s clearly what she wants and you have every right to not want that.
Lol NTA, someone got into her head and she has turned into a gold digger. Could be friends she keeps, could be social pressure to have fancy garbage that no one needs who knows. In the end this is a breakup point in my mind, it sounds like you treat her well and fair, you deserve better. Don’t be nice this is break up worthy. She See’s you as her direct bill pay and that is utterly ridiculous.
Sounds like testing the waters for some good old financial abuse lol
NTA, break up
She’ll stop making the car payment next.
NTA
She’s trying to eaaasase her way into “sugar baby status.” I guess she thought you weren’t going to notice.
And why the hell are YOU paying half of HER car??
NTA.
NTA!! Ive been with my partner for 8 years and we spilt everything 50/50, no matter what it is.
She didnt even bother to ask you prior. This is a huge red flag you 100% shouldnt ignore!
OP,
Did you say that she skipped paying her part of the rent and went and bought a bag/bags instead? If that is so, you have a gold digger on your hands, not a GF for a long term relationship.
She’s started to show you her true nature this early. Not everyone can keep the caring mask on long term, and, in this case, she has let it slip enough to let you see the red flag. The fact that she didn’t communicate the non-payment of her part of the rent solidifies this fact. She’s priming you to take up more expenses while she spends your hard earned money.
Based on what you said, you could:
Whatever choice, she’s not the person you want to tie yourself to in a long.term relationship. She’s selfish and materialistic without considering your feelings or the expenses you’ll be accruing. Make the smart choice.
NTA
Yep, time to dump this one.
It seems obvious the gf wants a sugar daddy. Do you want to be that guy?
NTA
Dude. She’s trying to force you into her being a stay at home girlfriend. Don’t let her. That needs to be a joint decision. I would, since she’s trying to do it sneakily like this, evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with someone that is willing to just do things like this without discussion first. This is one of those new fangled red flags.
Seems like she wants you to pay for everything
Lolol what?? How are you being unreasonable? I’m usually all for giving people a chance to explain so it baffles me when people just act out of pocket and don’t even pretend to offer a reasonable explanation. NTA. She’s clearly decided you’re gonna “take care” of her and that needs immediate correction.
NTA.
Dude, it would be cheaper, and likely more fulfilling, to just get yourself a high end sex worker a few times a month than deal with the freeloader you have now.