He’s my first boyfriend and things are going well. I really didn’t know what to do or what a relationship is so I told him if I say anything wrong or not the way he likes he can tell me since I just don’t know what to do. But he sent me a few sexual videos and said this is how I’m supposed to do stuff and I can learn from it. I’ll be honest it made me feel really bad. I tried to tell him that sending that is kind of inappropriate and he said he was being helpful and wasn’t understanding. I guess when I told him he can tell me if I do stuff wrong, I didn’t mean sex, I meant like other things. Like if I’m annoying him or talking too much or something. I don’t really know what to say to him. He said he was just giving me advice and trying to help. To be honest I cried when I saw it. I feel embarrassed and useless.
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Why are you feeling embarrassed and useless because he did something inappropriate?
His failings at communication aren’t your fault.
You’re young and this isn’t the guy for you. You asked for input on your relationship, he immediately thinks sex and sends you porn. Y’all aren’t compatible. Don’t waste time in this relationship! Go find out what you like and want!
My wife and I do this, 22 years married and happy/healthy sex life.
The only reason to date as teenagers is to learn how to do it. So maybe let this be a learning experience for both of you. Guys his age tend to be heavily motivated by sex, as in that’s their primary objective in wanting a girlfriend. That would be the lesson for you. For him it would be that you can’t be this blatant about your horniness and if you’re trying to have sex with women you have to be a lot more suave about it.
Aw 🥺 What a jerk. I guess it’s no surprise coming from a 19 year old boy. Now how confident and secure are you gonna feel about having sex with him? He didn’t think of that, did he? Kinda shot his dumb self in his dumb foot, huh.
For the record, you do NOT need to f*** like a porn star. Unfortunately, a lot of people who grew up watching porn have an unrealistic and unhealthy view of what sex is and what it should be.
I would suggest that you throw this one back into the sea, he’s not worth the trouble. I know it’s not as easy as all that but really, you deserve better and there is better out there.
Sending you porn that you don’t want to see is a faux-pas, but what he said after is worrying and just plain awful.
>this is how I’m supposed to do stuff and I can learn from it
That isn’t how porn works.
Porn is not meant to be used as some kind of educational tool for how you’re “supposed to” act sexually. You’re meant to discuss with your partner those things, not use porn as some kind of communication placeholder for that.
See how he is when the dust has settled on this. You’re both young and hopefully he’ll learn that this was a mistake and see the error in his ways. Did you tell him you don’t want to be sent those kinds of things?
Anyway, you’re not the one who should feel embarrassed and useless here. That’s him.
I know you’re both young but I can’t imagine him not understanding why this is wrong.
I think he needs to hear the “porn isn’t real life” speech again.
If you really wanna try, tell him that it hurts that he’s expecting you to act like a fantasy catering for male gaze instead of enjoying yourself in the moment
Asking him to tell you when you annoy him or talk too much is coming from your tendency to “people please”. He’s just telling you how to please him. It’s nothing wrong with helping your partner learn your body. It’s your insecurities that is comparing yourself. I actually would be happy that’s ALL he wanted to change lol. Asking somebody not to laugh or talk so much is asking to change who you are as a person. Everyone can use tips in bed
Don’t be apologetic. Tell him porn isn’t real and sending you videos of actors faking stuff doesn’t help and he needs to use his words to communicate instead. Don’t watch any of it.
Honestly, I’d send him a link to the book She Comes First and tell him that’s going to be more realistic and useful than any of his fake male-centered porn and he should probably take a look through it.
Porn is NEVER a good representation of real sex. It’s just actors pretending to enjoy something, for money. I hate how porn ruins some people’s views on sex and relationships.
Tell him you’d rather have more communication during sex. It’s even fun to explore and figure things out together in the moment imo. If he’s genuine, he’ll want to try it for you.
It might be good having a conversation about him watching porn in general tbh. I’ve never really understood how a guy getting off to naked women on ph while being in a fking relationship is considered normal. Couldn’t be me
Good luck, I hope he’ll understand, wish u the best !!!
You sound like a sweet, caring soul. Please don’t change to please someone who can’t appreciate how valuable you are. Some men ( and certainly not all) equate s€x with love. If it is great, they are ” in love “. But those are the men most likely to cheat at some point…because the “love ” is better elsewhere. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it to just please some fool
It was very crass of him to do that. At this point it seems obvious that he is sex crazed teenager and has some growing up to do. A good boyfriend cares about how you feel. Consequently, if he still wants to be your boyfriend he needs to validate your feelings. He needs to understand how vulgar this is to you, and make amends. As a woman you need to guide him or future boyfriend towards civility. You are the high priestess. The man that loves you will be patient. That is what the old fashioned courting process was about. He needs to appreciate the totality of you. Your personality, your kindness toward him, your family and friends.
2 things. It’s not going to work if you guys can’t talk about sex, what works and what doesn’t. However, his communication skills pretty well suck if he’s sending you porn videos before asking if it’s ok. It honestly sounds like you are both young and should give each other a break. Make sure you are ok discussing sex and that he knows that sending porn videos isn’t the way to do that.
This is quite some miscommunication between the two of you. I think if anything, you can learn from this that he definitely doesn’t know more than you about what a relationship is, probably less than you.
It could be because he honestly thought you were asking about what kind of sex he likes. That would be very weird, but when he doesn’t know what a relationship is, it is possibly that he got it wrong like this. That he didn’t understand your feelings (when you told him it was inappropriate) can be a problem going forward, and would be something to work on together.
As for you saying you don’t know what a relationship is, it’s not really different from interacting with other people in your life. It is important to be yourself in your relationships, it is not expected that you adapt to what your partner wants. Of course it is good to try to be thoughtful and helpful, but that’s something people should do for their friends as well.
As for learning how to have sex, porn is about the absolute worst place to learn that. Porn is about as good for learning sex as sci-fi action movies are for learning self defense.
There exist resources, including video, for learning how to have sex. That’s called sex-ed. I think it is important for your BF to seek that out, because he must have not gotten decent sex-ed in school if he thinks porn is educational. (If you’re from an “abstinence only” school district in the US, then they may have called it sex-ed, but that is not sex-ed.) Sex ed is literally education about how sex works, it is supposed to be taught in schools, but you’ll need to learn it yourself it that didn’t happen.
Why don’t you want to learn how to get better at sex?
You’re absolutely right in feeling angry and put off by your bf’s actions. It’s immature and condescending behaviour.
With that being said, if you had to guess, why are you choosing to minimize yourself in this relationship?
By asking him to judge and criticize your choices, you’re sending the message that you are less valuable/worthy/knowledgeable than him.
Would you be open to working on your self-confidence so that you will choose relationships that would be more respectful and fulfilling?
Is this your boyfriend’s first relationship too?? Lol I mean he skipped right over literally EVERYTHING else and went straight for the bedroom activities. On top of that, the fact that it was completely unprovoked comes with its own implications, as I’m sure he’s finding out now lol. I remember when I was young and dumb like that. Hell that was 20 years ago for me and I still do dumb shit. Just not as dumb and not as frequently lol. We all get older but not all of us get any smarter 😉. But on the topic, just tell him straight up how and why it made you feel that way. If he respects and cares about you he will understand. Or at least accept it and be more mindful in the future. Being open and transparent about stuff like this right away will lay the foundation for open and honest communication in the future and that will be the key to this and any other relationship you have in the future. Hope this helps 👍.
It’s heartbreaking to see someone feel so diminished by something that should never be used as a teaching tool, it’s not about learning, it’s about respect and understanding each other’s boundaries. How can we start having these conversations without making people feel like they have to apologize for their needs?
Porn isn’t real life. Those women are being paid to “enjoy” everything done to them and to act a certain way in the videos. Your bf is an idiot. Don’t date men who think how women behave in porn is real. Dump him now before you end up doing things you don’t want to please him.
What we have here is 2 inexperienced people both failing at communication and one inadvertently hurting the other in the process.
You’re new and you SHOULD expect feedback even about sex! How are you ever going to satisfy your partner if you can’t communicate what he does and doesn’t like in bed? He certainly sucks for just sending you a porn vid and not actually communicating with you correctly first. And because he did a poor job, he ended up hurting you in the process. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be communicating with you about this stuff. And you with him. You may not know exactly what you like or need in bed yet, since you’re still faily new, but you’ll certainly find things he does that you don’t like or prefer he does slower/faster, more kissing, less kissing, more foreplay or more after-care… etc. So just talk about it.
You’ll also have to get over your insecurities and embarrassment…. you’re an adult having sex, either you’re mature enough to talk about it, or you’re not mature enough to be having sex.
Lil kids are so sensitive nowadays. Like who raised you? The tablet? Your phone?
Break up. Now.
Porn is not real life. He needs to get over it. Find somebody that matches your energy. Not stay with someone with unrealistic expectations.
Yeah he is too immature to be in a relationship. You shouldn’t take this as any reflection of you though.