Hi all,
My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. We’ve always had a strong relationship and a good sex life, and we’ve talked about having kids for a long time. We weren’t actively trying, but also weren’t preventing, so when she found out she was pregnant last week, it wasn’t a total shock.
I was really happy. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. She said she was happy too but something about her reaction felt off. Like part of her was pretending. She smiled, hugged me, said all the right things… but I know her. Something’s not fully there.
A few days later I asked if she was okay (after telling some of her friends.) She said yes, just scared and overwhelmed. I asked if she was sure she wanted to keep it, and she said 100% yes. We’re both pro-choice and I’d support her no matter what, but she insisted she wants this.
Still, she feels distant. Not sad, just… not excited the way I expected. She’s usually the type to cry over baby videos and talk about names. Now she’s going through the motions like everything’s fine, but I can tell something’s weighing on her.
For context: her relationship with her mom is really complicated. Her mom was emotionally abusive when she was younger, and I think that trauma might be coming up now, but she hasn’t opened up about it yet.
I guess I’m asking: is this kind of reaction normal, even when the pregnancy is wanted? And how can I support her without pushing too much? I just want to be there for her the right way.
Thanks.
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Could she have cheated and isn’t sure who’s the baby’s father is?
Being pregnant is terrifying even if you planned for a baby, which this sounds like a surprise. Just support her.
She just found out, she might still in shock. For you, you’re probably focused on the kid and how great it’ll be. She’s probably focused on all the changes that will be happening to her body, child birth, complications, etc. It can be really scary. I would just remind her that you’re there for her, and you can tell she’s struggling, so she can talk to you when she’s ready.
Maybe do some cute things. Get a onesie that says something like Mom’s #1 Fan, or whatever, take her out to eat at her favorite places, give her back rubs… just show her that you’re there.
Just be there. Be a rock. Be open. Continue to reinforce love you have for her.
Just keep asking for her to talk to you about how she feels, it might be just being terrified, it’s the biggest change and challenge in life and your life is about to flip upside down, so it’s normal to have that reaction, but it could be something else that only she will be able to tell you. Either way she’ll have to tell you
She got smacked in the face with the reality of the situation.
Pregnancy is terrifying. Parenting is terrifying.
She can be happy while also being scared shitless.
Talking about getting pregnant and actually being pregnant are two very different things. The reality is an emotion you can’t put your finger on. It’s somewhere between elation and terror- for all sorts of reasons. There is no “normal reaction.” Just be supportive and go through the emotions together. She needs that and will need a lot of that!
This is most likely a reaction due to her ptsd from her relationship with her mom. As someone who doesn’t want kids for the exact same reason, I can totally relate. I’m not against kids, but the idea of raising my own kids scares me since I’ve only experienced a dysfunctional childhood due to my emotionally and physically abusive mother.
I felt like this and I WAS trying for a baby.
I think hormones made me feel icky anyway. I just couldn’t get excited about anything. Right up until the birth I thought “shit, what am I doing?”.
Felt sorry for my partner because I was so unenthusiastic.
But it all changed when I saw him.
This is normal even when you plan for a baby. She’s probably feeling really alone in all this in a way she hasn’t felt before because the experience isn’t really something you can share.
Antenatal depression is a concern but I don’t think you’re there yet.
We were actively trying and when I got pregnant I got scared as f. Took me a month to calm down.
One of the ways you can support her is to verbalize how you will be there for her. Alllllll the way. Pregnancy, birth, taking care of the baby etc. The only thing scarrier from being pregnant and having a newborn is being alone in all the pain, struggles, hormone imbalances, sleepless nights, etc…
Scared and overwhelmed are totally valid emotions right now for her. Let her lead.
Think about it for a second dude, it shouldn’t be that confusing that she has mixed emotions – Pregnancy and child birth are intensely scary, dangerous and life changing, it’s easy for you to be stoked about it, there is literally ZERO risk to your health and safety.
My sister wanted a baby. Tried for a baby. Got pregnant. She then spent the next few months in deep depression.
Your wife’s reaction is fairly normal, especially adding in context about her own relationship and trauma with her mom.
Just support her. If she wants to talk, listen (don’t try to fix it, just listen). If she wants to cry, let her. Tell her that you’re there for her in whatever capacity she needs you, and most importantly tell her that it’s ok to be scared, have doubts, question everything, panic, and cry. She shouldn’t feel like she needs to hide her true emotions, as they happen.
She is about to be a human incubator for 9 months. Her body will permanently change. She will feel sick, tired and sore. She will likely be sewn up or cut open. She will need to give up work temporarily. Your relationship will change. You now have a lifelong commitment. Everything you do now has to consider a third person; holidays, dates, shopping trips, etc.
That isn’t just a switch to happy situation when it’s unplanned. Give her time to process
It can be a shock even if it wasn’t totally out of the blue. The reality can be heavy. Just hang in there and be with her.
If you’re in the US, maternal mortality is high and complications with the mother’s health are generally not great. Pre-natal depresssion is also real.
Reassure her. Ask her about her fears. Let her know you’ll support her every way possible and will love to see how her body changes and how you grow as a couple. Take on extra proactive things around the house and for her if you can. Tell her what a great mother she will be with reasons specific to her as to why. Ask her if you guys should do couples counseling to prepare. Maybe it’ll help her go to individual therapy about the trauma. Pregnancy is scary.
It could be
It’s a big deal, and people react to stress- even good stress very differently
I would believe her but tell her if she has anything she needs to confide in you that you’ll be supportive no matter what
It sounds like you may have already come across a little strong / maybe even like too accusatory
Unless these are just your own thoughts
Let her come to you but reinforce that you’re just her support if she needs it
Maybe even tell her that you’ve noticed she looks like she’s under a lot of stress from it and see if she’ll open up about it
But don’t keep coming back to it
Let her do it when she’s ready
She may be afraid she won’t be able to be a good mom, based on her experiences with her own mom. When you have a quiet moment, see if she can verbalize her concerns, especially if you share yours with her.
When my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby I had a moment of “Am I out of my MIND? Who am I to put a whole person on the planet? Will I be a good mom? What if I shit myself during childbirth in front of my husband and God and all the angels and the nurses who also live in our small town? We are insane!”
She might be cycling through these thoughts or something close to them lol. Along with “This baby is going to be so loved and I can’t wait to meet them.”
Remember: Her life and body are immediately directly affected as of right this minute. You might not feel like anything has really changed but she likely does. Not in a bad way necessarily! She can be excited and nervous at the same time.
Wishing you both the best!
Id say its normal, it could be related to her bad relationship with her mom, but my guess is that pregnancy is just a really scary concept for some women. Her body is going to change, her mental state is going to change, and it can be alot to process all at once.
Think of it kind of like getting a shot or even surgery. You know whats coming and you know its going to hurt, its hard for some people to be excited about something even if its going to be a good thing in the end.
Not to mention all the bad things that can come with pregnancy like hair loss, teeth falling out, and ppd (but maybe dont bring that stuff up to her)
Just stay supportive and positive, shes going to need alot of help
If you’re in the US, maternal healthcare varies greatly from state to state and is virtually nonexistent in some of them. If I lived in a red state, I’d be terrified.
There’s a stigma against mothers expressing any kind of emotion outside of elation when it comes to pregnancy. Even if it’s a self-perpetuated one. There’s a feeling of, “I wanted this, I shouldn’t feel [insert negative emotion here].” And a tendency to hide from that within, and fear expressing it even to spouses in the best, most solid relationships. If I were you, in addition to all the other comments saying to ne her rock and continue to support her, I might also make it a point to assure her that no matter what it is that she’s feeling right now, it is 10000% natural and reassure that she won’t be judged for it.
I know it’s a stereotype, but honestly if you can manage even one or two sessions with a therapist for her to get all her feelings out and straightened out in her head. Pregnancy is a lot full stop, but a complicated abusive relationship with her mum as well is even more. I’d say she’s overwhelmed and probably thinking things she doesn’t want to be judged for.
She is probably emotionally and physically overwhelmed. The early days of pregnancy are so hard on a woman’s body (well, the entire process is!). Hormonal changes, fear, exhaustion are all key features. As others have mentioned, just be there for her. Let her know she can talk to you. Ask her what she needs from you. Take care of some things and allow her to rest, if that is what she needs.
Do things for her. Do EVERYTHING for her. Her body is going to be changing a lot. She risks death. You owe her everything for this child. Keep that in mind. She will be exhausted, drained.
Yes in my experience it’s amazing news but also kinda scary. You lose all body autonomy and now it’s all about baby. Which is great, but also holy crap she has to birth a baby. It’s a lot. I’d allow her some grace and just be supportive. Hopefully she’ll open up more about how she’s feeling.
Its pretty easy as a man to just sit there and go “Wow, I am excited, why aren’t you as well”
I think you’re underestimating the journey she is about to go through. Even though she wants it, it comes with a lot of terror involved.
Its probably not that she doesn’t want it. Probably more about her being terrified for this journey. It is something us men never will experience nor will ever fully comprehend. Being pregnant, giving birth, the toll on the body… That shit would suck. We can’t even wrap our heads around what it actually would be like.
That’s probably where her head is at… The fear of what comes next. I know I don’t have much of a say as a man, but it sounds like a terrifying path to go down. Her being scared sounds completely normal and its your job to support her through it.
She already gave you the answer to this, she’s scared. While she may be happy, she’s also probably terrified, especially if it’s her first. Both can be true at the same time. Everything about your life is about to change, and not only that, everything about her body is about to change. There’s a lot of fears that a woman could be experiencing in this situation that you couldn’t possibly understand.
Just be there and give her reassurance when she needs it. Ask her what her fears are and let her talk it out without judgement if she wants.
I suspected I was pregnant in the same situation (not actively trying but also not actively preventing it) and when I saw the positive on the pee stick I felt gutted. It all suddenly became real. Then I ended up loving being pregnant to the point I cried when it was over. She may just need time to adjust to this life changing news.
There’s a big difference between a theoretical baby, and a real one, even if it’s planned and wanted. It’s very real now, not to mention the hormones, changes to your body, fear of giving birth and a whole myriad of unknowns. Give her time but let her know you’re there to talk, support her, pamper her, but most of all, support her. 💩💩💩is getting real.
I think a lot of women feel very overwhelmed with pregnancy news and start thinking of all the what ifs and what thens. It literally changes your life and nothing will ever be the same again. Emotional upheaval is common, especially if she looks back into her past and doesn’t have a good mother resource for guidance. All the unknowns plus throw in the joy of the hormonal rollercoaster, sore breasts, constant acidy nausea and feeling bloated … even mother’s that have tried to get pregnant for years can feel this way.
That said, she will likely come around soon – hearing your child’s heartbeat and that first ultrasound are another first and it will all become real at that point. You will have a long, happy life with your little one, just pamper mamma and give her a lot of love. Congratulations!
She’s probably in shock, scared if she will be a better mother than her own, hormones out of whack. There are so many things I am sure going through her mind and she’s just trying to work through them. The fear of what your body will go through during pregnancy is overwhelming the first time also. Her whole life is about to change it’s a lot to process. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love the baby or isn’t excited about the pregnancy. Every woman reacts differently. Give her some time to process everything.
Not at all uncommon. Shit is about to get very real for you all. It’s been my experience that mothers to be tend to have a better grasp on that upfront.
I would highly recommend therapy. The mother of my kids had a lot of traumatic stuff happen within her childhood especially with her mother. She did not go for any kind of therapy about these things until after the kids were born which makes working on yourself so much harder in my opinion. I believe things would have been easier for her and our relationship if she had. You do what you can to the best of your abilities with the time you got because once the little one comes amount of time you have for yourself will be very constrained.