My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months now. Things have been going well! We see each other multiple times a week and communicate frequently. We’ve only had one major argument prior to this one which was resolved soon after. However, the challenge that came up recently made things more complicated.
He showed up to my apartment unannounced with flowers. Instead of me responding happily, I stood there shocked and confused. We had been texting back and forth about random things all day, and he asked if I was home, but I did not think that meant he would stop by. I hugged him lightly and avoided eye contact because I was so caught off guard. Also, I was in my pajamas that I’ve never worn in front of people and just looked rough. Lastly, my apartment was in disarray, and it was in the middle of a work day.
Anyway, I told him he can chill mine for a little bit, but I have to get back to work. He asked me if I could take a 5 minute break and I said, “no I should really get back to work.” Immediately, his mood shifted. I notice this and start to ask what’s wrong, but he wouldn’t look at me.
Finally, he admit that he felt a bit hurt by my response to his surprise. I explained to him that I was completely caught off guard and froze up. I said I didn’t like surprises. I appreciate the gesture but showing up to my apartment unannounced did not sit right with me. Then, he said he did this for National Girlfriend’s Day because we both were busy tonight. I told him I love the thought behind it, but I don’t respond well to surprises. He said he understood but was clearly hurt and left.
I’m naturally a very private person, and he had never done any gesture like that without asking me first. It felt like my boundaries were crossed. Is there more of a resolution to this? I feel very unsettled with the way we left things off.
EDIT: I did communicate my boundaries to him afterwords through text since he left in a hurry. In the past, I’ve told him that I don’t like surprises and would love to be in the loop about things. This was referring to planning dates to do together. This topic of showing up to a space unannounced never came up before.
Also, I did message him an apology about my reaction and reiterated the fact that I don’t respond well to surprises. I did let him know it was a kind and sweet gesture.
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Poor dude. He did an incredibly nice gesture and you’re asking about your boundaries :(.
I’d be hurt if I was him too. You’re in a relationship with him and he went out of his way to do something nice for you but you treated him like an outsider. That’s not how you build close relationships and intimacy.
I love to see my partner in her most natural state with bedhead and in her jammies. It’s intimate. Even if you were busy you could’ve taken a moment and maybe dealt with the situation with a bit of appreciation or jest. Like “thank you so much for coming over and thinking about me today but please give me notice next time so I can brush my teeth. 😘”
What makes you so uncomfortable about it? are you embarrassed because you didn’t feel like you looked good and the house was a mess? I think he’s showing you how much he cares about you and life doesn’t need to be taken so seriously. You could have given him 5 min
Wow! You can never expect flowers from him again!
You really didn’t handle this well, I know I would been very hurt and embarrassed about what I did and would think long and hard before I ever did anything like this again.
I’d be big mad if someone invited themselves to my home with no notice, expected my time and attention to be at their discretion and got mad when I set a boundary.
Nope.
Comments are all over the place for this one.
Sure, he did a nice thing on paper. But showing up unannounced, rubs a lot of people the wrong way.
I understand your reaction… I hate when people show up when I am not expecting them, even if its my wife.
So, maybe this is a learning experience about each-other to discuss… Even though the gesture was nice and lovely. But showing up unprompted was the problem.
I like to prepare myself for my partner too. Like to freshen up. Put something else on. Look presentable.
I don’t like someone dropping by without giving me a chance to say yes or no about my availability. I don’t like being robbed from that choice. You want to drop by? Sure, tell me. But if I tell you I need an hour, give me it.
You have no idea what I am up to. If I am in the middle of something. Cleaning. Napping. Doing a hobby. About to head out. None of that was discussed.
He’s hurt… But he also set himself up to be hurt because he made a judgment call without your opinion first.
I would just tell him you really appreciate the thought. Take him out as a thank you. But next time, you want a heads up so you’re not put on the spot like that… Its not the gift, its about being put on the spot.
I have a very hard time with your statement that he crossed your boundary. Unless you have strictly communicated that you never want surprises or random swing bys, he didn’t. YOU didn’t communicate. What he didn’t was perfectly normal and is something you can expect most decent partners to do unless you explicitly communicate to them that they cannot surprise you. In which case, honestly, good luck. Being able to surprise a parter is something that’s very important to a lot of people. You’re eliminating a large portion of the dating pool.
Moving forward just make sure your needs/boundaries are clearly communicated. Find out if gestures like this aré important to him. Because if they are, you have a very big difference to overcome for the relationship to work.
It was a cute gesture but you didn’t react the way he expected. It’s completely fine. Both of you have different ways of doing things. From now on he’ll know that you don’t like unexpected visits to your apartment. It’s ok to have boundaries just try to both find a middle ground.
You’re selfish and not okay. I hope he dumps you for someone who deserves him. Asking about stupid boundaries when someone did something purely normal or even bare minimum for you out of love and appreciation.
Damn, now he won’t do that for his next girlfriend either.
Your boundaries are crossed? Lol did you tell him never to come visit you unannounced. You are so rude. I get that you hate surprises but let him know later. Uhg that guy is a good bf. Sucks for him
I can understand your discomfort, but really more info is needed. I am bothered by his wanting you to take a work break because he turned up. What is the nature of your work? Would he potentially be interrupting a meeting or client interaction?
It’s strange that he expected you to just stop working your shift just because he turned up with flowers imo. Do you suspect there was more behind it, or just a nice thought that was poorly planned?
I wouldn’t want people showing up unannounced, especially if I was busy or at WFH. My friends know not to swing by and that I don’t do spontaneous stuff. I can see your side and his. You both had different expectations so I hope you can both find a way to move on or meet in the middle.
You honestly need to apologize to him. He did something really nice for you and you acted pretty ungrateful.
Obviously I’m not saying your boundaries or preferences aren’t important but this feels like somewhat of an overreaction to your bf dropping by to bring you flowers. Maybe in the future just let him know you’d prefer more of a heads up of some type?
Sit down and have a conversation on how he can do things like this in the future that don’t feel like crossing boundaries to you.
Mixed feelings. I can sympathize with OP and her boyfriend. Hopefully they can talk later and get it ironed out.
Hold up. You feel like a boundary was crossed because: he showed up, gave you flowers, and then was dissapointed in your reaction?!?!
Did you even say “thank you”?
Honestly, this a learning experience for the both of you. He needs to learn that you don’t like surprises, and you need to learn some gratitude. Go have a conversation with him, but don’t be mad at him for trying to do something nice.
I am going to rant a bit, but let me start out with he had decent intentions and really sweet thoughts.
That said, you were working from home. No one would be saying that you could have given him 5 min if you worked in an office. When you work from home, you could be on a call, in a meeting with your boss, in the middle of a project – just as you would in an office that isn’t your home.
Does he know how private you are? Has he seen you in your pajamas before, even if not these particular ones? He may think you looked adorable or sexy, and wouldn’t care about your apartment being a mess, but does he know that you care?
I think this can be salvaged, if you want it to be, but you do owe him an apology if he didn’t know your boundaries. You can’t be upset with him for crossing boundaries if he doesn’t know them. I’ve worked from home for many years – long before covid, and it took a long time to get people to understand that I can’t do drop ins, phone calls, etc.
This feels like a compatibility thing that has to be figured out. Is he going to be okay, never doing surprises kind of a thing (he needs to figure that out, to clarify). I personally couldn’t care less if someone shows up unannounced, IF we are in a serious relationship, but that’s not everyone. It’s fine not to want someone to show up unannounced.
Sounds like it triggered something in both of you. I get the impression you were feeling self-conscious because of your pajamas and apt disarray, and that his fear of rejection (or feeling not good enough) was triggered. You set a boundary that you don’t like surprises, and that’s valid.
“Anyway, I told him he can chill mine for a little bit, but I have to get back to work. He asked me if I could take a 5 minute break and I said, “no I should really get back to work.” Immediately, his mood shifted. I notice this and start to ask what’s wrong, but he wouldn’t look at me.” I’m not a fan of his mood shift here. I get it, but someone cool with boundaries is normally like “yeah, I get that. I will text you in a bit” or just chill and let you work.
There are a lot of red flags here. I will accept that he meant well by showing up unannounced, but his behavior was inappropriate. He surprised you at home,in your pajamas, with other commitments and a messy apartment then got sulky you weren’t thrilled. Giving him the benefit of the doubt with his intent, his reaction is a red flag.
Him showing up like this when you are only 4 months in is a sign he’s pretty socially clueless and that he’s one of those guys who make big gestures to cover up poor behavior.
A potential take could be that this is a form of control. He surprised you so he could check up on you.
You two do not seem compatible. If he’d made the effort to know you he’d have known this wouldn’t have been received well. He could have sent you flowers or Uber Eats.
Have you told him previously you don’t like surprises or spontaneous visits?
You can’t say he’s crossed a boundary if you haven’t clearly communicated to him that you prefer a heads up before he drops around. Or that you work between certain hours and can’t be disturbed .It sounds like you were more annoyed you were caught in your PJs and you hadn’t picked up than you were interrupted while working..
Anyway you handled poorly. Kindness is important and you iced him out . He’s probably at home thinking whether he wants to stay in a relationship.eith someone that doesn’t want to see him without making an appointment first .
I mean I get why you were thrown off because you looked like hot garbage and were busy but to say it is crossing a boundary is absurd. He tried to do something nice. It backfired because that’s the risk of surprising someone. You don’t need to try to turn it back around on him like he did something wrong. You never told him not to do that and it’s a reasonable thing that he did so its not a crossed boundary. If you don’t want him to do it again you can tell him though I’m sure he knows now. Don’t try to blame him for an unfortunate situation. If your apt had been cleaner and you had been in nicer clothes and less busy at work would you have been happy to see him? If not, well that’s a you thing and no one is going to tell you not to be. But most people would be fine and happy about it so he made a guess and was wrong. He didn’t cross a boundary because there was no explicit instructions for you for him to not do that and it socially acceptable in general.
“It felt like my boundaries had been crossed”
Firstly, boundaries are restrictions you put on your own behaviour, not something you expect of others.
Secondly, he can’t cross a “boundary” if it’s not something he is even aware of.
Thirdly, of course he is hurt. He’s gone out of his way to show you that he is invested in the relationship, is thoughtful and considerate, even sappy to an extent – bringing you a gift to celebrate some BS random day most people (girlfriends included) don’t even know exists – and you practically kick him out on his ass saying “thanks but no thanks” because your apartment wasn’t spotless and you were in your pj’s?! I’m assuming that in four months together you have slept together (correct me if I’m wrong) so he’s seen you in various states of undress, and first thing in the morning when (if you’re anything like me) you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards! Even if you and your place weren’t as well presented as you wanted, I can promise you that he won’t have noticed either, because he’s not there to look at your apartment or to be repulsed that you’re having a pj’s day – he was there because he wanted to see you, spend time with you and celebrate some stupid made-up special day because it honoured you.
Dump him. Not because of the flowers, but because he thinks he needs to do something for National Girlfriend Day.
Flowers?! What a bastard!
Have you already had a conversation with him in which you clearly stated that you don’t like surprises or unexpected company?
If not, then he had no way of knowing, and would be understandably hurt by your reaction. If so, then he disrespected a known boundary & your reaction would be much more justified.
Ultimately, it sounds like a misunderstanding. He made what he thought was a spontaneous & thoughtful effort, and you appreciated the thought but not the execution. After only 4 months, there’s a still a lot you both have to learn about each other, so just talk it out.
Haha the first time I got my wife flowers her response was “oh… thanks… I like videos games” lmao
So next time I got her a video game. And the next time I got her something she didn’t love she masked it just slightly better.
He’ll be fine. So will you.
I understand your perspective completely, so i have a bias. I think talking about surprises and things like this should happen so everyone is on the same page before just doing it and someone potentially getting their feelings hurt.
Honestly, this is one of the oddest thing I’ve seen on Reddit so far and I’ve seen a lot of odd things.
Your boyfriend swings by for girlfriend day unannounced with flowers and to surprise you which is lovely.
And rather than say thank you, and allowing him in, you acted cold and said you didn’t like surprises and told him to leave?
I get you were in pajamas and the house was messy but I’m sure he’s seen you in pajamas already? Surely at this point? It’s been 4 months. And I doubt he’d care either way. And so what if the place was a bit messy? If he likes you it’s going to really bother him unless it looked like a you know what went off. I won’t say it in case it gets flagged.
I get you don’t like surprises but this was a nice one.
I don’t really see how this crosses a boundary. Especially if you never told him about it before. How would he know? Most people would like that kind of surprise.
I’d find it endearing and sweet and I’m sure many would.
I dunno, doesn’t feel like you like the guy much.
Showing up unannounced while someone is at work and expecting them to hang is not a “gift” Sending the flowers by courier would have been fine because it wouldn’t interrupt your work day and is still a nice gesture. But spending time with him while you’re busy at work was presumptuous. He was hoping to bask in the feeling of doing something nice for you instead of being realistic.
He’s learned something about you – you don’t like surprises. Maybe after things are less emotionally charged in a few days you can sit down and have a talk.
I think that if the roles were reversed and you showed up and surprised him with a present it would absolutely make his entire day if not week.
I think he is doing for you, what he would LOVE to have someone do for him. He probably doesn’t understand that you have a different love language.
I think instead of staying on this particular instance, you might want to tell him what would make you feel happy, or what he could do that would make you feel loved by him.
“I know that what you did was to show me how special I am to you, thank you, but in the future I would rather….” Then clearly tell him what to do.
It’s quite common for people to show you love, the way that they feel love… but we all have different ways to feel loved by other people.
Tell your guy what your love language is and learn his…. It’ll help you both feel better about showing up for your partner.
“ I kind of want to apologize for the way I reacted when you showed up at my apartment. I think it was very sweet that you were thinking of me and girlfriends day and brought flowers. But to me it was like you showed up to my work unannounced. I’m the kind of person who likes to plan things out and this was not part of my plan so I reacted poorly.”
see, i LOVE surprises. surprises are fun. but i would never ever ever be happy about someone showing up
unannounced. it messes with my plans and my routine, it usually means i have to prepare, so it’s more effort for me. even if they had flowers.
it’s a nice thought, but he should have thought more about it and asked if showing up unannounced is ok with you. it’s insane to me that there are people out there who think if they show up with something nice, you can’t possibly be bothered by an unannounced visitor.
if my partner showed up to my job unannounced there is a good chance i wouldn’t be able to talk to them at all. it’s a very fast paced environment and there is rarely time to lollygag for 5 minutes, shooting the shit because someone felt like dropping by.
it sounds like he expected you to react a certain way. this is just a reminder that it’s only been four months and he doesn’t know you that well yet. which apparently is much needed…
He didn’t cross a boundary unless you specifically told him never to surprise you with a thoughtful gesture. It’s a pretty normal thing (and often expected) that a man interested in a woman will make romantic gestures like this. He didn’t do anything wrong by giving it a shot.
However, he knew he was coming over unannounced in the middle of the workday. And most adults know that not everyone LOVES a surprise. So, he should have brought it to you and not expected that you would be available for even 5 minutes. Ask? Yes. Expect? No. It seems like he wanted to get something out of this for himself—appreciation or something like that. But that’s not a fair expectation in the moment of unannounced delivery. He should have been totally willing to just drop it on your doorstep if that’s all you were available for.
I’d probably forgive him for letting his romantic fantasy carry him away. Maybe you could show him appropriate appreciation the next time you’re together. And just to be clear you should then ask him not to surprise you again and assure him that you’ll never accuse him of not being romantic enough when he plans ahead with you for bringing you gifts, etc.
He doesn’t deserve you.
You don’t want a partner, which you have stated yourself.
Stop jerking people around and be by yourself.
So. Esh. He was trying to do something nice for you. It was a sweet thought. You reacted badly. That doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to feel how you feel. You should have thanked him, told him the flowers were beautiful and that you appreciated them, but that just bc you are home doesn’t mean you are presentable or ready for company, and that he should have checked with you first.
I’d be pretty bummed. I’m sure he thought you would be happy. I know girls like to show their best look to guys but you’re 4 months in. Guys don’t think that way. Maybe he’s trying too hard. That can be a turn off for girls there are plenty of ways to help him forget it. He’ll get over it.
Oh I wouldn’t like this either
Op this feels like a straight up communication issue.
You guys need to talk about how you express love and how you like to be shown love. The love language thing is cliche but damned if it’s not at least partly accurate
He likes being spontaneous and romantic, it probably made him feel like a good bf because a LOT of women like that, however unfortunately you’re not one of those women.
You like your personal time/space and it sounds like a preset plan, these things directly contradict each other.
So – talk about it. It’s as easy as that.
That being said- is this the only issue? You guys have only been together 4 months you said, but you mentioning it felt like it crossed a boundary and how uncomfortable it made you feels like it is disproportionate, it seems deeper than just “he caught me off guard and didn’t know I don’t like that type of thing” so are there other issues you’re seeing that seem minor but adding them together is making you feel he’s too overbearing or does “nice things” so he seems like a nice guy but with ulterior motives? If so maybe examine why this bothered you so much.
If someone did this to me I’d be just as annoyed but if it was any of my friends or family or an SO I was really into I’d get over it quickly to appreciate the gesture and maybe just make a mental note to talk about it later so he knows.
If this really is just “he saw me bumming it and I was annoyed he came over on a work day” but everything else has been amazing, maybe try something like:
“It was incredibly sweet you thought of me and wanted to do something spontaneous and romantic to surprise me. I appreciate that you put the effort and time in to show me you care…. but I’m naturally incredibly private and like to be comfy when I’m alone, so when you showed up while I was working i felt like I looked a mess, I like to be out together so surprises stress me out.
I like to know if I have to entertain or look nice, so I hate being caught off guard- a “hey I have something for you, are you free in an hour” text would go a long way and I’d be able to enjoy the surprise and be as excited as you were”
Obviously that’s the sappy overkill version but if this is the only issue, appreciating the gesture while changing the behavior to something within your comfort zone will solve it…
However, if there are other “dude is moving way too fast and it’s freaking me out” feelings you’re having, that’s an entirely different conversation and takes some introspection for you to figure out if you want to keep going dating him. If you’ve told him and this isn’t the first time, and maybe you’re starting to realize these are actually red flags of someone who doesn’t respect boundaries or take a no as a full answer, that’s way deeper and needs more consideration.
He showed up unannounced in the middle of your work day; you’re not wrong for reacting the way you did. That’s a dumb thing to do, even when the recipient likes surprises. It’s not any different than if you worked in a traditional office and he randomly showed up at your desk.
Does he often do weird little plays like this? How did he respond to your later messages? I’m wondering if this potentially red flag behavior about respecting boundaries, or if he just got caught up in doing something sweet and didn’t think it through.