Last night my bf (25) and I (26F) were talking laying in bed, and he asked me the reasons I loved him. I described some qualities of his (loyal, trustworthy, how he cares and shows up for those he loves, how he can make daily tasks something to look forward to together, and how I love how funny and goofy he is, and his dry humor makes me laugh) and gave examples of how much they meant to me. I asked him the same question back and he said “I love the undivided attention you give me, how you always want to be with me and how you always ask what you can do for me. And how smart, beautiful and funny you are”.
I may be reading into this too much, and being way too sensitive, but I felt like what he said was in relation to what I could do for him, not qualities about me. And the qualities he said, while nice, felt added on at the end and he didn’t elaborate on them. I’m feeling a bit weird about this today, what he said felt a little impersonal.
I’m unsure if this should be something for me to process internally or bring up. What would be a rational response for me to have after this conversation?
Comments
You know him better than we do, I’ll say though it does seem like you’re overthinking about this. I understand where you’re coming from though.
Not everyone is incredibly eloquent, especially when it comes to deeper emotional stuff like this.
Look at what he does and how he acts every day. If he shows you through little actions, and big, that he loves you, who cares how bad he is at expressing that verbally?
It sounds like he loves the way you love him more than who you are and that’s not nothing but it’s not everything either. Don’t bury the feeling bring it up gently because being seen for your essence not just your effort is the kind of love that lasts.
It’s the opposite for me and my wife. I can describe in detail why I love her but when I ask it’s some basic descriptions. But like one of the comments said. Not everyone knows how to use words good enough for super descriptive explanations.
“how he cares and shows up for those he loves” is what he does for you (and others).
maybe the phrasing is poor:
you give me undivided attention -> you are attentive, make me feel like a priority in your life
you always want to be with me -> you make me feel wanted
always ask when you can do for me -> you are very helpful
smart, beautiful, funny. these are qualities about you
But part of a relationship IS what you do for the other person. Meeting each others needs. Sometimes these manifest in personal qualities, sometimes they manifest in actions.
love is conditional, and someone loving you for the things you do for him is not a bad thing.
more often than not, its the acts of service we do to others that make them remember us, being sick and having someone bring me food/medicine is one of the most memorable things i remember in my life.
He was describing the times he feels loved by you, you were describing the objective reasons he is loveable. They are just different vantage points to answer the question.
In a way his was more personal and specific whereas yours was looking at things in the third person/attributes other people can see, rather than detailing the times you’ve felt a rush of love between you.
I wonder if he is less eloquent or immature. If he has ADHD he may have not have absorbed and executed that well, or perhaps he is less sentimental. Ask what attributes or characteristics does he love, or like about you specifically. I would not date a selfish or noticeably unsentimental man.
It’s just a guys way of expressing things. Just being able to share our emotions with someone is rare. I wish I had someone like that right now. It’s the simple things we don’t have that we cherish. We don’t talk about ourselves with most people. I bet you that you’re the only one he shares his thoughts with.
It’s a little sad, but it sounds like he’s saying “thank you for tolerating me”. I feel lack of self worth in his words but may be overthinking because the only reason I would say what he said is because I have self worth issues and that’s what would be behind those words if I said them. So that’s what I see. Definitely biased, but something to think about
I’d say you’re overthinking it. Via text I can write a novel about how much I love my wife and why I do but verbally I’m a Trainwreck and can’t form a sentence without ten thousand F bombs. Don’t read too much into it, just enjoy the time you spend together.
Excess estrogen
Don’t look for things. How does he treat you day to day. Actions usually louder than words.
My husband said a similar thing to me and I’m trying not to take it personally. Verbal ability is not his strength 😂
Why do you change your ages so much and how long together?
I mean, I’m no expert, but I’ll say first, if it bothers you too much, then you can talk to him about it. I don’t think it’s good to bottle up emotions just because you feel like it’s unreasonable or feel guilty for not responding the right way. As long as you acknowledge that you aren’t angry or anything but you just want reassurance, then I think it could be an opportunity to grow and maybe he can learn to communicate those things better. People often don’t get feedback when they say things that are hurtful but well intentioned, but I don’t think the effects he was going for was to make you feel insecure.
That being said, I think what he was getting at was how nice it feels to know someone loves him. That’s a very real thing just for anyone. There are a lot of friends, including female friends, he could potentially have that could have a lot of similar personality traits as you do, but they aren’t his girlfriend. They don’t love him. They don’t feel a deep connection to him and genuinely want to be with him or help him or listen to him the way that you do. That’s what I feel like makes a romantic partner particularly unique: the bond you share. So, was his thinking I guess my definition somewhat egocentric? Sure. But, I think where his mind likely was at centered the unique connection between you two vs just what you have as an individual, bc the way I see it, a lot of people can have those traits.
I would consider reflecting on how much he demonstrates in his day to day life how well he knows you as an individual. Like, do you like flowers so he gets you flowers for valentines day every year? Does he get you your favorite food? Do yall have inside jokes? Does he express love for you in your love language? Stuff like that. It’s a different ball park if he constantly demonstrates he knows nothing about you.
I was a wedding ceremony when the officiant asked the groom why he loved the bride and he said “because she tells me what to do”.
It sounds like he’s saying that he loves the way you love him, although in a roundabout way.
Totally fair to feel that way. If it sticks with you, just say:
I’d love to know more about what you love about me, not just what I do for you.
It’s a simple way to open up deeper conversation.
Love languages. Everyone wants to receive love a certain way and also show love in a certain way. He sees your love through acts of service and quality time. Learn each other’s love languages along with your own and then show love the way the other person best receives it. Also if something is bothering you that is directly attached to or caused by your partner, then bring it up to them. Sitting on something and letting it stir up in your head is how resentment is formed.
My girlfriend and I, who have both been married and divorced before we met, have this thing, when there is something that is bothering us, something we didn’t like that the other did, something we may have done that we need to make right or anything like that, we start the conversation by saying “brutal honesty” that simply lets the other one know that we’re about to bring up something that is sensitive or touchy and it’s probably going to be a difficult conversation but when we bring it up we’re not intending to hurt the other person. We both have the understanding that when we say that first whatever follows is meant to have good intentions, like we want to fix whatever is bothering us. It’s also a heads up in letting the other know that you’re about to get vulnerable with them. We have had some very difficult conversations this way and I’ll tell you that every single one of those conversations has been healthy and productive and allowed us to grow stronger in our relationship. But both of you have to be on board because some of those conversations are going to be very difficult to have and sometimes you’re going to hear things that you did that really hurt the other person or you’re going to have to bring up something that really hurt you and that may be difficult to bring up at times. I’ll end with saying maybe don’t look into it too much when you feel his reasons are all about what he gets from you. Yes it’s definitely healthy too love someone for the type of person they are and how they treat others but what you do for him it’s kind of related to that and maybe he just isn’t good at verbalizing that or recognizing what it actually is but there is a level where that could be a problem. So good luck relationships are a hard thing to navigate
I wonder why men even bother trying anymore.
Advice: Break up and let this man live in peace.
He was saying he loves how considerate of a person you are.
You are overthinking it.
What I read in there is that you make him feel loved and appreciated. That you are a caring and kind partner and you make him happy. I think you are being oversensitive.
I dont see anything bad in what he said. Maybe im missing something
I wouldn’t worry about it. The important part is he loves you and you love him, and you’re happy together. He may have flubbed on his response to that question but don’t let it get to you. I’m sure there are many more reasons why he loves you that he just didn’t mention right in that moment.
>I love the undivided attention you give me, how you always want to be with me and how you always ask what you can do for me.
Will say this is a red flag for narcissism/entitlement/misogyny. You’re 100% right in feeling like he’s just expressed that he likes what you can do for him, listen to your gut!
He actually said things very similar things as you said, only from a first person lens of how they make him feel and why he likes them instead of a 3rd person lens the way you expressed it. Overthinking it.
How he acts and treats you is the real measure not words
You…literally did the same thing though bro lol? Why are you mad at him for saying basically what you said? All of those things you listed are how he benefits YOU. Neither answer was wrong, but you’re overthinking this severely.
Process it internally. You listed a bunch of reasons why he’s great, including that he shows up for those he loves, so I don’t think this is a warning sign of anything sinister or bad on its own. Some people just aren’t eloquent when put on the spot; I’m certainly not. There’s a million things I loved about my past partner, but I’d start to struggle with things to say after the obvious “how kind and funny you are” part. Doesn’t mean it was the only thing, but it’d take me a little bit to put into words the rest, like how dedicated to self improvement he was, his kindness and love for cats and his devotion to handling them with care, etc.
Yeah, ” I like that you’re nice to me.
Cynics say that in every relationship there is one who loves, and one who allows themself to be loved.
Make of that what you will.
Remember, though, that before he told you, you were happy about the ways he loves you.
I think he was trying to say he loves that you support him. Those are all things we do for people we want to support. Maybe he’s never experienced that with someone else and didn’t know how to explain it.