I’ve been a long time lurker on this sub and I have umm’ed and ahh’ed over posting. My story isn’t half as bad as a lot of the stories I’ve read, and I’m sorry its so long, but here goes:
A little background. My partner and I moved 200 miles away from our hometown about 8 years ago. I love it here. I love the area, the lifestyle and the people. Due to covid and wfh our social circle is small, but since having my daughter and getting ourselves out there, we have a firm few friends but could still do with deepening those connections. All in good time, but it means our support is a bit limited.
Since moving my partner’s grandmother had a stroke. She needs 4 carers a day and has questionable capacity. Shes 85 but a smart cookie, a lovely lady and very vulnerable. She needs a lot of help with every day tasks and mobility. My partner is the one who organises everything because my MIL doesn’t want to care for her own mum (ironically shes a nurse on a dementia ward).
He regularly travels down to visit and complete mundane tasks, becuse that’s easier than asking his mum who lives 20 mins away. I’m talking things like fixing her tv aerial or taking her to the dentist. He doesn’t mind, as he appreciates spending that time with her whilst shes nearing the end of her life. I’m a bit resentful because I feel like it takes him away from us, but I accept that its his choice and those are my feelings to deal with.
Christmas time 2022: we visited my MIL and I came on my period. She lives an hours walk away from the nearest supermarket. I asked my partner to drive me to the shop (I don’t drive) and he asked her to watch our dog whilst we did. She blew up and started shouting and crying. On our return she stormed off and drove off and we had to go and find her.
She spent most of that Christmas saying awful things about my mother. My mother is a difficult character, shes not done anything in particular to my MIL but she doesn’t like her. The things my MIL was saying was harsh, a massive character assassination and I found it really hard to be around. I told her that but she went on anyway. So everytime she went off on a rant against my mum I left the room. I spent a LOT of the time on my own in a separate room. I left her house in tears feeling unwelcome and opened up to my partner explaining how I’m worried I’m going to be next.
A few months later I was pregnant with my daughter. She was born the following December. My MIL barely spoke to me for that whole year. When we called her to tell her my daughter was born, she cried and hung up on my partner because she was upset we didn’t want her there the day she was born. We opened our doors to my mum, dad, step mum and MIL a few days later for a quick cuddle. My MIL showed up after everyone else had left with an overnight bag. I got upset and she was told she couldn’t stay, I went upstairs to freshen up and in that time she left, crying, without saying goodbye to me.
Christmas 2023. My daughter was less than 2 weeks old. We invited my mum, MIL and my partner’s nan up to have a small Christmas and my MIL was horrendous to my mum. Shouting at her, calling her names. Said my partner wasn’t happy and wanted to leave the relationship, and that she “never had any problems with any of his ex’s families”. She was told to leave. My partner made her apologise. Shes since retracted that apology.
Since then (so for a year and a halfish) every meet up I have been heavily criticised, heavily scrutinised, and generally made to feel like an obstacle. I struggled with postpartum anxiety, my MIL certainly wasn’t the cause of that but it was not a good mix.
I’m pregnant again, and since finding out my MIL has starting a smear campaign to anyone that will listen saying she hates me, that I’m abusive to my partner, that I’m a narcissist, that I’m controlling and manipulative, that I stop my partner from seeing his family, and that I use my daughter as a weapon.
On a visit to my partner’s grandmother at Easter, I had terrible morning sickness (struggling with HG this time) and she was told I wasnt ready to see her. She showed up anyway and “wanted to put on the table how to move forwards”. I told her that I’m not tolerating the misrepresentation and the disrespect, and that she has burnt the bridge so its up to her to make an effort to repair it. And she scoffed and said “You’re not a school teacher”. I left the room and haven’t spoken to her since. Shes since deleted me on all social media.
I’m struggling with the guilt, I hate that my partner isnt getting the family he deserves. I’m grieving a relationship I never had, being the evil DIL is just not a role I fit it. I’m sensitive, emotional, a deep thinker. And I’m actually just really fucking angry at being treated this way. I know I need to get to some form of acceptance but I’m really anxious about the future and what’s going to happen when the baby is born.
Looking for advice on how you get to a point where this isnt eating you up? I feel like I’m such a problem, pregnancy hormones are not helping and I’m terrified for my mental health when I’m about to become a mum of two.
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Like all things, healing comes with time. But therapy can help, and it sounds like your DH could benefit from it, as could you. It’s not your fault your husband doesn’t have the family he deserves. And it sounds like he’s well aware of how bad his mother is. Limiting contact and giving yourselves space to enjoy your little family and the moments of joy in your life can be a big step toward healing.
Your partner isn’t getting the family he deserves because of HER, not because of you!
I had a nightmare MIL who launched a smear campaign so I speak from first hand experience.
Tell your partner that his mother has done too much now and caused too much hurt and upset so she’s no longer welcome in your home … period! Your home should be a safe space. I would also tell him you won’t have your kids around someone so nasty and manipulative because kids learn from those they are surrounded with (and she will call you nasty names to anyone that would listen so why not in front of your kids?)
Tell your partner that he’s welcome to continue a relationship with his mother but he visits her and he goes alone.
Don’t go to any more family events, gatherings or anywhere else she will be. If he goes, plan something fun or meet up with others while he’s away and occupy yourself. If any other family contact you on her behalf, “I’m not interested. I refuse to discuss MIL with you, she is not and will never be a part of our lives anymore”
Also (and this is important) completely ban her as a topic of conversation in your home. If she wants to call you nasty names, let her. Your partner can listen to it all but you don’t want to know. He will have to deal with her (as he should, it’s HIS mom) but that’s not your problem anymore, just focus on living in blissful peace.
It feels a bit stressful to start with as you wonder what’s being said but she’s a nasty, toxic and manipulative individual so who cares what she thinks? Her opinion doesn’t carry ANY weight at all. While she’s complaining about you, her life will be filled with negativity – make sure your life isn’t.
The guilt will go, it did for me. We have an amazing, happy and content life, MIL lives a very short distance away yet I haven’t seen or spoken to her in over 2 and a half years and my kids don’t even know she exists! Reconciliation? I wouldn’t even entertain it now if it was attached to a winning lottery ticket! Life is too good with her gone!
She’s objectively terrible. Absolutely terrible. The guilt seems misplaced. I think maybe this is the hormones. Maybe talk to your OB about it?
It really does sound like your MIL is struggling: either with mental health issues, a distorted sense of being wronged by you, or possibly a mix of both. Her thinking seems warped, and whether it’s rooted in manipulation or genuine emotional distress, it’s understandably troubling – especially since she’s close family.
You come across as very self-aware and thoughtful, which makes this kind of behavior particularly painful to witness. I hope you don’t internalize her actions or let them undermine your peace. It might help to view her less as an equal whose opinions matter deeply and more like someone who’s unwell – someone whose behavior may be a symptom of a larger issue.
If she’s causing emotional disruption, it’s entirely reasonable to set boundaries to protect your well-being and your family’s peace. At the same time, your husband may need to step in: both to encourage her to seek therapy (and potentially find a psychologist if she’s willing) and to assess whether she’s living in an environment that could be making things worse, like a home with mold, lead, or other toxins.
Unlike many people on Reddit, I don’t believe in fully cutting off family unless they pose a physical danger or display sociopathic tendencies. If someone’s struggling, I think it’s worth trying to understand what’s really going on, even from a safe emotional and physical distance. Of course, your safety and your children’s emotional well-being come first.
I’ve encountered quite a few people over 60 whose thinking seems “off.” Sometimes they’ve always been that way; other times it begins later in life – potentially linked to cognitive decline, early signs of dementia, or even environmental toxic exposure.
For example:
(1) One older relative of ours lived in a house with lead pipes for decades. As the lead built up in his body over the years, his thinking and behavior became more erratic. In the last few years of his life, he’d scream and yell in the middle of the night, and would rant over slights from 20+ years back.
(2) Another relative, my aunt, was going through menopause and moved into a mold-infested apartment. She began acting irrationally and started accusing her daughters of being narcissists and intentionally hurting her, despite them caring for her deeply and generously. Eventually, she moved to a new, healthy home and her thinking returned to normal. She’s now back to appreciating and praising her daughters as she did before.
All this to say: something seems genuinely wrong with your MIL’s thought patterns. It’s hard to imagine she could have worked as a nurse her whole life and always behaved this way. That alone suggests a change with age – one worth exploring from a place of compassion but also with firm boundaries.
You realize the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. How many more chances are you gonna give her? She sounds seriously unhinged, like something is really, really wrong with her. She needs to get help. I would tell my DH he can have whatever relationship he wants with her, but you’re no longer gonna be her punching bag nor are your kids. She sounds dangerous. Your DH could probably benefit from therapy.
Good luck.