Was called controlling and codependent by FMIL and her husband…

I was originally going to go no contact with my future in-laws, but my soon to be fiancé (the ring is picked out) wanted to give them one more chance after stuff blew up in May.

I scheduled a meeting with them and bf at a coffee shop by their house. Mind you, that’s a 3 hour drive because they refused to meet in the middle saying they have car issues (but have 4-5 different cars so idk).

The first thing they said was that the coffee place sucked and had bad coffee. Eventually we finally got on topic after they had a side conversation with bf about job interviews. I’m called controlling by future FIL. FMIL accuses me of controlling my relationship with their son and him in general. She claims I talk for him constantly and that “he just allows it,” and then at one point called me codependent and goes “are your parents the same way? Me and [husband’s name] aren’t like that. We can live outside one another.” I find it funny because bf and I make decisions together and then bf has final say most times because it usually has to deal with his schedule or his family when we have those kind of convos.

Fast forward, we explained an issue that happened that was misinterpreted by them to clear the air, and instead of being like “oh, that makes sense, you weren’t trying to be intentionally hurtful or anything,” bf’s dad doubled down and just said “oh, so it was retaliatory,” and then we re-explained, saying no, that’s not what we were trying to do, we were just trying to be cautious/mindful, and his dad once again just claimed it was retaliatory (bf’s mom didn’t talk as much, but when she did it was mostly jabs or side comments).

They also kept asking/demanding that I be giving them one on one phone calls so they can “get to know me,” and that me not calling them for months was the silent treatment. I’ve told them multiple times that I don’t want phone calls with them. Then his mom was like “but we’ve seen you on the phone with your family and it’s always intentional,” but fails to realize that it’s because they’re my family… I’m more comfortable with them because I was raised and grew up with them. I don’t find phone calls to be a form of real connection in the sense of how to get to know someone, it’s just an information swap session—and the times I have been on the phone with them, it’s been awkward with gaps of silence with neither of us knowing what to say. Aside from that, when my honors thesis for university was brought up (it’s over parenting styles—unrelated to them), his mom said “I read some of the books [that you posted about for it], and they’re not scriptural,” even though the paper has nothing to do with religion or Christianity, it’s a research paper using credible academic resources for a non-Christian university… I’m a Christian, I believe in my faith but I also do believe science that has literally been proven. God created science and medicine to help us is my belief.

Aside from me, they also bashed my bf. His mom straight up said that he takes no accountability, told him to his face that he’s the reason she’s been crying the past 18 months and having tension with his dad. They asked him if he wanted to be an absent father because he’s going to be going military (which is odd because bf’s dad is a Navy Vet who did mostly recruiting and desk job work) and then his dad asked me if my dad was absent (dad is retired Marine Corps Sniper). His dad threw out the statistic that 70% of military marriages end in divorce. His mom accused him of not being able to give an answer that expressed admiration for me when she claims she’s asked him why he wants to marry me. And when I announced we were going to be doing a premarital course through our church that’s by campus starting this fall semester, there were suddenly crickets except for bf’s sister (who we didn’t even know they were bringing btw) asked which church and was like “oh they have a lot of programs there.” I also thought it was funny when at one point bf’s mom said something along the lines of “our kids probably heard “I’m sorry” all the time when they were younger/all the time around the house,” and bf’s sister said either “what?” Or “huh?” And the parents just laughed it off… Personally, I think that says a lot.

At the end of the conversation, his dad asked “is there anything else? Are we good,” and I didn’t make any promises. All I said was “I feel better since everything has been discussed,” and left it at that. I never said I’d call, I never said that we were fine, and I wasn’t all buddy-buddy. The conversation was closure for me to know that they are still not willing to actually listen to what I say and not willing to apologize for hurt they’ve caused. I’m still blocked by both of them on Facebook, trivial yes, but Facebook is the “gateway” to their life because they post everything on there, which just signals to me that they still don’t like me/approve of me/view me differently. It’s funny because they constantly accuse me of only seeing them in a negative light/perception but they literally do exactly that with me it seems. Always assuming I’m intentionally be hurtful.

I’m done trying to have a relationship with them. They never apologize for anything they do, they just double down on whatever narrative they’ve orchestrated as the truth to make them look like they’re in the right. Bf doesn’t know what he wants to do with them, but he isn’t fighting me on my decision. I told him my stance and he said okay, and that he understands. I told him it’s harder for him because it’s his own parents and to take his time but that he should be trying to figure out what having to go to the last straw (no contact) for him looks like because based off the conversation, it doesn’t look like they are going to change any time soon.

I’m just going to be focusing on my relationship with bf, my family, my friends, university, and work. I’ll support whatever bf wants to do, it’s his parents, but I’m out. My parents don’t demand that bf call them, and they have a great relationship (him and my family get along really well) and I just can’t say the same for his parents. So, any advice on literally anything about this? How can I best support bf when things happen with his parents? The engagement in sometime in October will probably intensify things. How can I let go of them calling me controlling and codependent? I asked bf is he thought those things were true and he said “no, not at all.” But now I’m paranoid that I somehow am even though those closest to me disagree.

And before people bash my bf, he did try to defend me in the conversation but they just push back the same way they do with boundaries.