I (19F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been together for well over a year. For context, throughout our relationship, his mom has been pretty explosive and gets angry very quick with him, will start screaming at the top of her lungs, say hurtful things, slam things etc,. This could be for something as minor as him asking what is for dinner and as “big” as him not being able to make it to a family vacation in Jamaica to see his dad’s family because he has finals and will fail. However, the double standards lays when he is expected to do all the work and his parents can’t ask his other siblings (23F and 17M) because it will start an argument. For one instance, he was unable to vacuum the stairs at the moment because he was studying for his exam and she exploded. However, on another instance when he was tired after work his mom told him to do the dishes and he asked if his sister (23F) could do it, but his Mom yet again exploded and said she has to unpack from college, which is double standards to when he was studying for his exams but didn’t get the same leeway. The main reason why he is upset sometimes that he has to help around a lot, is because his siblings refuse to and most of the day they sleep until the afternoon, don’t work and are pretty dirty (My boyfriend has to clean their bathroom up after them etc.,). My boyfriend was expected to pick up, drop off and take his brother everywhere. Recently, his dad got upset he didn’t want take his brother who is almost an adult with him, when me and my boyfriend went out together. He was expected by his parents to work at his heavy labour job, 3 week post-op after his gallbladder removal (risks of hernias, internal bleeding) which his dad and mom got very mad at and denied what every source (reddit, articles) said (they will never admit they’re wrong. But his siblings don’t have to work at all. When he asks his mom if his sister can drive his brother (10 minutes) she gets angry because she has anxiety. However, it feels like an excuse because his sister drove 5 hours to another city on her birthday. These are some of the many instances of double standards that he faces and how he is treated in his family. If he tries to bring any of these up or speak even try to speak his feelings both his parents will dismiss him or talk over him. It is almost like arguing that the sky is blue to his parents, they will claim and convince themselves it is green. His mom loves to call him things like a “piece of shit”, “little bitch”, wishes he was replaced by her miscarried son and so much more (he never has disrespected her). Hence, my boyfriend drifted away from his family and doesn’t tend to come downstairs too much. He doesn’t spend too much time with his brother because he is very disrespectful to his parents and my boyfriend overhears him saying disgusting things on the phone. This has made his family very upset, which I can see why, but I would understand why someone would drift away from people who treat someone like a slave and by constantly disrespecting and never listening to him. His parents also don’t like that after coming home from work and the gym he calls me and talks to me on the phone and that he sees me every week. They partially blame me for the reason why he distances himself from them.
My boyfriend had explained some of my past trauma (which includes my parents) to his mom in the past. He did realize later that it was my story to tell, but I talked about my life in a little more detail with her over text during an episode (due to my mother). I did explain that they have changed, but my mom still has some mental health issues. My parents have been through trauma themselves but have done messed up things during my upbringing. My parents are immigrants and didn’t know the right way to raise me, this isn’t an excuse but an explaination. They have since changed IMMENSELY and my dad has spoken to a therapist. I have forgave them, and I love my parents for every sacrifice and gift they work hard to give me. My boyfriend mentioned to his mom that me and him would like to live in a town closer to the city once years after we’re done school and in our mid 20s. His mom got upset and started screaming at him (she is controlling), and said that her grandchildren (we have no kids yet) are going to be around my “crazy parents” and demanded we live closer to his parents. I have seen them taking care of kids now that I have grown up and they are amazing. Honestly, it hurt that someone could think something like that of my parents by a situation like this, and that she holds a grudge against them without even knowing them. In another argument, she dismissed my boyfriend’s exhaustion with the constant fights with his parents and said that he goes through nothing. She also said that he knows that my parents are “despicable” and they are worse. When he expressed to her later that it is unfair to constantly bring them up in arguments that have nothing to do with them (because it hurts me), she kept saying they were bad parents and it feels like to her everything is a competition with my parents who have done no fault to her or have even met her. He also said that he wouldn’t have trusted her with my personal life if she was going to talk about it and use it against him (which is crazy because none of their arguments have to do with them). He sent a whole heartfelt paragraph to her for her to dismiss it and deny and lie (sums up their relationship). This triggered me and after asking my boyfriend, I texted her in the best possible way being as nice as I can and explaining that I am not texting to bash her but because it’s not fair and I appreciate that she listened to me, but they will be in the same room at one point and I want her to give my parents a chance, and that it really hurts me. She instantly barges into my boyfriends room and screamed at him saying that he’s lying to me and “painting a narrative”, that it’s not fair that he told me SHE talked bad about MY parents, and she won’t respond to my text. My boyfriend said that I have every right to talk to her because she is talking bad about my parents. His mom got mad that he defended me and said, “Of course you defend your girlfriend and not your mother”. After that, she was slamming things and was screaming “It’s not fair, I already apologized” (she didn’t, she only apologized for one instance saying her grandchildren will be around my crazy parents instead of with her, days later to my BOYFRIEND not ME, but because she knew he would tell me and then continues to talk bad about them). It genuinely baffles me that they are humans like this, and people so incapable of taking accountability or even just listening. He is trying to move out once he graduates and gets his HVAC job.
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This is his problem, not yours. You are his girlfriend, not (yet) a permanent fixture. How he handles this is likely to define your relationship – long term, he’s going to have to leave the whole family if he wants to succeed. If he does that and is willing to stand up for you against them then there may be hope. Otherwise this will not improve.
your boyfriend is being severely abused, and whenever you are nearby, the abuse spills over onto you. you are also a survivor of abuse, which means you are vulnerable to being sucked back into abusive dynamics.
the best thing you can do for your boyfriend is show him that no one should ever willingly tolerate abuse – so you need to lead by example and completely stay away from his family. he can come visit you, or you can meet outside the house. you are not abandoning him by doing that, you are protecting yourself and encouraging him to spend more time away from his family. a partner who loves you should want you to be safe, even when he can’t keep himself safe.
whatever stories his family tells, even shit like accusing him of not spending enough time with his brother, are completely irrelevant. what’s relevant is that they force him to do impossible things, and their abuse intensifies when they feel him pulling away – which is why they suddenly make him out to be a bad child. never validate that guilting, because the big picture is a nightmare.
last, remember that you cannot save a person from drowning if they drag you down with them. your boyfriend needs to respect that this is unacceptable, never obligate you to spend time with them, and keep taking baby steps to get out. your early twenties are for having fun and exploring, in whatever ways are possible for you both, not for him to slip in and out of clearly recognizing this abuse. do not chain yourself to him if he doesn’t commit to getting out.
They sound really evil, and not worth verbally fighting with as they will never change, waste of energy to argue with her. She will lie and continue to lie. No need to understand her more than that. The only way is to really have them out of both your lives with no power over him or you. Then they can rot in their own dysfunction.