I’m struggling with this because I have a nearly visceral sense of disgust and even contempt when I hear men say that they “need” sex. Of course they don’t need it. You need air, sleep, water, and food. You don’t need sex.
On the other hand, I also acknowledge that some (most?) people do need sex in a relationship for their relationship to thrive. I understand and respect that.
But when I think about what I’m saying – “I need sex” vs “I need sex in a relationship” – it almost seems like splitting hairs, but it doesn’t feel like that.
Maybe I’m biased due to my libido being lower than most men’s (and some women’s). And I definitely have negative associations because it’s been said to me before in dying relationships (of course, there were reasons for the sex dropping off – they were selfish in bed and there were many other relationship problems.)
I’d like to hear others’ thoughts on this.
Comments
nope. plenty of men who i’ve spoken to have told me they’ve had long periods of celibacy by choice. nobody ‘needs’ sex.
I think they are sharing a psychological need. Those also exist. Men are socialized to believe that more sex = higher value/more love. Hashtag not all men hashtag toxic masculinity, blah blah. Doesn’t change that fact.
I liken it to cult deconstruction.
Please allow me to translate: “I need to get laid or else my true self “Shitty Ron” will come out and then I’ll make life suck until I get laid, so you might as well capitulate and grant me access to the piece of anatomy God, in all his infinite fuckery, decided to grant YOU control over. Please?”
I think context matters. My wife and I constantly say this to each other because we do need it from one another, but this also makes sense in our relationship because of that being an integral part of it.
If I’m just dating someone and on the first date they say they need sex, I would certainly feel weirded out by it.
I don’t need sex. I need sex with my wife. I think this is the distinction between it feeling a good thing versus kind of gross.
I’m an afab genderfluid person currently on testosterone which has massively increased my sex drive to the point I’m masturbating almost everyday.
I don’t need sex.
My girlfriend had a small in-clinic surgical procedure which means we can’t do anything sexual for two weeks after.
I haven’t needed sex to still feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.
In a few months she’s gonna be having a major surgery which will mean she’s cannot do anything sexual for 6+ months.
I. Still. Will. Not. NEED. Sex.
Sex is not a need. It’s a want.
Anyone who tries to insist otherwise is either lying to themselves or the other person.
I need to feel desired, wanted, and loved, in order to be happy in a relationship. Sex is not the only way to achieve that.
I absolutely get where you’re coming from, and yeah, your feelings are absolutely valid.
I need money (otherwise I’ll be homeless or even die of starvation). This doesn’t mean that anyone is personally required to give me money when I ask them.
I need respect.
Why would I wanna sleep with someone that doesn’t respect me? Women aren’t a machine where you put in enough nice and sex come out. Treat me like a person. Not a walking fleshlight.
I’ve been pretty lucky in relationships in the past (not all but y’ano) but I couldn’t imagine being with someone that didn’t see me a person first and foremost.
Yeah, I see your point but am more likely to read that comment as a statement about a relational non-negotiable for them, versus a literal need. I don’t make much meaning out of it in a vacuum, because it could be a thoughtful part of a constructive conversation in one context or a serious red flag in another.
“Want”
They want sex, but they’re so used to their wants dictating reality, they confuse it with the prominence of need
You’ll see variations of the same argument everywhere, that infidelity or pedophilia is irresistibly the law of nature, it’s not about reason or logic or reality
It’s about buying in to the sheer volume of dogma designed to orbit their whims
I agree with you, seeing men online leer and be lewd so openly makes me feel so many emotions = disgust, shame, confusion? Like the second they see cleavage (not even a whole boob) they have to go jerk it? As if they can’t possibly control themselves or think about literally anything else in that moment?
I also have a lot of trauma surrounding previous relationships and sex. Out of my 12+ years dating/being active, the only person who has been respectful of me and my body is my current relationship. I try hard to not let my negative associations and trauma push me towards misandrist thinking, but man especially in this climate right now it is HARD. Congressmen are watching porn on TV while they’re at work. My POS bastard ex tried to randomly jerk off in a cemetery and got mad at me for wanting him to stop. I got physically assaulted because one day I had enough of public catcalls and I flipped off a guy without looking or yelling at him.
It’s extremely exhausting.
I think it’s easy to misinterpret what people mean when they say they “need” sex because as you say, it’s not like food and water, you can technically survive without it.
But if we go back to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it becomes clear what they mean. Sex isn’t a basic physiological or safety need. it’s linked to the top three tiers of the hierarchy: love and belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization.
For many (perhaps even most) people, the higher human needs cannot be met without sex. Such people may have met all their physiological or safety needs and aren’t in immediate danger, but that doesn’t mean they’re getting what they need for mental wellbeing and a fulfilling life.
It is disgusting, they basically reduce your existence to just sex, as if nothing else about you matters. Not to mention it’s also often used as an excuse whenever they inevitably do bad things, “I couldn’t control my urges”, “you should’ve given it to me”, etc.
In a relationship, it’s a matter of context and communication, you might “need” sex in a relationship but a relationship might not “need” sex to thrive. You have to be able to communicate with each other.
Like if there’s different libidos then you can communicate to see how to work things out (IF both do want to make it work), but if one person is always expecting/demanding sex no matter what (even if the other person is sick, busy, etc.) then that’s not really a relationship worth your time.
Agree on this being context dependent.
Even in a committed relationship there’s plenty of times where it would be extremely inappropriate to say you need sex.
A disturbingly common one is men wanting sex immediately after their partner gave birth. Like no? But it’s one you seem to hear about constantly.
Add people saying it’s a need when their partner is grief-stricken, sick or anything else.
I think the important distinction to me on when it’s ok and when it’s not is if a person is putting their need for sex above their partners comfort.
Sure, sex can be considered a need, it’s important to a relationship and often important to people feeling fulfilled. But it’s not a need that can come before the comfort of the person you’re asking to get it from.
I think that this is one of those overloaded terms, like the way people say “if you don’t respect (treat like authority) me I won’t respect (treat like human) you.”
Sometimes people say “need” in the context of ranking something over a preference, to mean that something comes from a biological necessity so it can not be compromised. “No you, don’t get it, I don’t just want candy, I need sugar right now, I have diabetes.” Other times people say “need” in the context of acknowledging what long term you require to be there to be happy. “My needs aren’t being met in this relationship lately. I feel deprioritized compared to your video games.” When we say that second one, we don’t mean that we will literally die if our partner keeps playing video games. You’re just saying that you’d consider a relationship intolerable if in the long term you didn’t regularly feel prioritized by your partner, and that would cause you to leave.
So I think that sometimes, men use the physical urgency they often feel for physical release to imply that their normal relationship need (second definition) for sex is more urgent and must be accounted for now (first definition). But that’s a fallacy. No one has ever died of blue balls, and that doesn’t need sex to solve it, you can go masturbate. The desire men have for regular sex in the context of a relationship is normal and valid. And it’s a second definition relationship need, similar to someone’s need for validation or regular time to themselves.
Sex isn’t a biological need, but for most people, it’s absolutely a psychological one. I’m a straight woman, and when I go too long without sex, I suffer. I get depressed, achy, lonely. It takes a toll on my mental health. I need it in order to feel at my best.
For most people, sex is a form of connection. Orgasms feel good, reduce stress, and help regulate mood. In my opinion (and in the opinion of nearly all current research) a relationship that isn’t meeting the sexual needs of both partners is unlikely to last.
That doesn’t mean anyone should feel pressured to have sex more often than they want to. But if one person’s libido is significantly lower than the other’s, there is real sacrifice involved. It’s real pain with real impacts on their health and happiness.
I think sometimes the issue is that when our experience is so different from theirs, it becomes hard to recognize their needs as valid- but that doesn’t mean they aren’t. No one should be pressured into wanting sex, and no one should be made to feel like a POS for needing it. Both happen way too often in unhealthy relationships.
It’s important to understand the difference between incompatibility and shaming someone for having normal human needs. It’s not gross that men often want sex more than women. What’s gross is when they act like it’s a woman’s job to fix that for them.
They think about it a lot but they don’t need it. From what I remember as well (was a long time ago) people who run more on testosterone are quite mechanical about that part of their body and they don’t require a partner.
It makes me afraid of them, like if they see it as a need the same way a starving person would need food that tells me that they would just take it if it wasn’t willingly given to them.
It tells me they have the potential to be a predator, and that they would feel justified in doing so because they think it’s a need like air or food
I think it just makes sense to be like “or what” and then talk about the answer because people define needs differently. In my experience what it means is “I need sex or I’ll be in a bad mood and take it out on you” and it’s illuminating for someone to admit that
Men don’t need sex. If they’re that desperate to get off they can use their hands or toys. Even in a relationship, they have zero right to a woman’s body.
Men want sex. Claiming it’s a need is part of purity/rape culture.
They view it as a need because that phrasing places it as a non negotiable and therefore when they’re coercing or extorting it from women “well it’s a need” allows them to think they’re not doing anything bad.
Sex is not a need. It is a biological driver of reproduction to continue a species but if that was a primary driver of humans we would not have homosexuality or asexuality.
Needs are air, water, food and shelter. Without those 4 things humans die. A human can survive their entire life without having sex.
No one has ever been harmed because of lack of sex. Humans will directly be harmed due to lack of air, water, food and shelter.
Sex is not a need. It is a desire/a want. Any man who says they need sex is manipulative
People also don’t need sex in a relationship. Monogamy mandates all sexual gratification should happen with a pair bond, and to do otherwise is a betrayal of that pair bond. Since men want sex, as I said above, they pretend it’s a need so they can ‘convince’ their partner to give them access.
Yes monogamous relationships day “only sleep with each other” but it does not and should not mean “your body doesn’t belong to you and your partner’s wants are more important.
Men say their love language is physical touch (meaning sex) when they don’t demonstrate any loving physical touch other than groping in the hopes of getting some.
Partiarchy has made men terrible partners while promising them a bang-maid mommy if they do the bare minimum.
What was that saying again?
Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness? (You have a right to all 3 no matter who you are)
Air, sleep, water, food = life
The pursuit of happiness = sex
Well you’re free to pursue it, bud.
Those people just lack the self-awareness to know the difference between a want and a need.
Its a serious red flag coupled with that low to no self- awareness, and ironically, it makes them less desirable and have a greater challenge fulfilling that want.
If you look up the hierarchy of needs, you’ll see some mixed results of where sex is placed. Some of them put sex on the physiological level, putting it on par with food, water and shelter. Others put it on the love/belonging level, putting it on par with one’s need for friendship and family.
I think by strict definition it cannot be a need. When we were children we weren’t at death’s door by not being sexually active. Those who fully abstain such as those who follow certain teachings of religions are very much not dead due to their lax of sex. On a less all encompassing level, there are those who are completely asexual and have 0 interest in sex at all, and they’re still breathing.
However I don’t think the average person saying “I need ____” is using the word “need” in its exact dictionary definition. In those instances, I think the men are desperate for physical intimacy, and there are MANY reasons this could be, ranging from simply being horny to being subconsciously influenced by an overwhelming amount of propaganda that tells them “to be a successful/powerful man you must have sex with women constantly.”
I doubt the men in your life have even thought about why they feel the way they do, and it isn’t your responsibility to make them more self aware. I personally have been one of the men that said “I need sex”, and after analyzing why I felt that way in my case it is the desire for physical intimacy with someone I loved that I seek. With the right person, sex can be a truly unique method of expressing one’s love for another, and a lack of it can and often does bother people. Men, women and everyone in-between. Not everyone will feel the same way I do of course, but I hope this has given some insight into the potential psyche of men who say this.
I’ve never heard anyone say they need sex and it would seriously give me the ick if they did. They wouldn’t mean “I need sex”, they would mean “you must have sex with me” and that’s just gross.
The distinction is that the vast, vast majority of guys who make the “sex is a need” argument are single and aren’t talking about sex as part of a healthy relationship for the mutual benefit of both people.
And the argument is easy enough to refute by pointing out that if it’s a need, why aren’t all these desperate men seeking out other men for sex? I might find eating roasted insects to be unappealing (even though millions of people enjoy them), but if I was starving, I’m going to take what I can get.
nobody NEEDS sex.
Though relationships do NEED to be sexually compatible. Whether that means frequent sex, very little/no sex or anything in between is dependent on the individuals involved but as long as they’re on the same page it shouldn’t be a problem.
Yeah just earlier there was a post about sex needs this and sex needs that, I wanted so badly to comment and say sex is not a need!!!! Geez!!! But high libidos ppl are so horny they think it is so whatever. Anyway sexual compatibility is important
I think it’s a negative association.
Too many guys who couldn’t be bothered to care about my needs, as a partner, or sexually, have used that line on me mid tantrum, when I’d finally decided I was done having terrible sex.
I’m with you on this. For me it’s like they just need to use you for sex to relieve their sexual tension and if you don’t give in then they will either be in a shitty mood, guilt trip you into it, or imply they will cheat on you until they get it.
Sex isn’t a need it’s a desire. It’s a desire you should and can control.
He’s a big boy, he can tend to his own needs so to speak.
No they fucking dont.
My husband announced he’s leaving me because he’s “hypersexual” and I can’t meet his needs. I had a stroke a year ago. His loss I guess.
It’s not splitting hairs.
Trust your instincts. You have a good sense of which one they mean.
My ex said he “needed sex”. That is why he cheated. But from my perspective he appeared to need to shout and storm and condescend and burp on my face, far more than he needed any intimacy we might both actually enjoy.
Turns out I also needed sex in my relationships. Like, sex I actually wanted to have with someone who didn’t treat me like a female-shaped service animal.
Even if they did need it any guy that tells you that is trying to pressure you into having sex with them that is NOT your responsibility
You don’t need sex like you need water. However, sex is important to most people in relationships but ultimately it can ebb and flow over time due to many different reasons. What really annoys me is all the women postpartum or coming out of an illness that are badgered by their partners who say they need sex. Blows my mind how in a longterm relationship this is the priority in their mind over their wife/girlfriends comfort, health, and sanity.
To me it just comes across as very emotionally shallow in those circumstances. It is a very easy way to say you’re experiencing intimacy with your partner, in the absence of emotional intimacy. You can’t see your wife whose just had your child is exhausted? Sex is probably not even cracking the top 20 on her list of priorities at that point.
I usually hear it from other men who have done little to no emotional work on themselves, not to mention the relationship. When was the last time you sat up til 3am with your partner talking about everything that matters to you guys? When was the last time you said “hey, I’m feeling really anxious/sad/pissed about XYZ thing and I could really us some support right now”?
When was the last time they said these things to you and you dug into it with them to try and understand them and the situation better instead of leaping immediately into “gotta make it better NOW” mode?
Sex is great. But it’s not the only means of connection. It’s not even the best. I can fuck anyone. Understanding, though? That’s truly rare and beautiful.
It feels disgusting to hear because of the intention that is likely behind that statement. When they say they need sex they’re trying to make you feel like denying them sex is denying them a need like food and water and like you’re cruel or something.
Men can feel that they need to ejaculate. That’s something they can do on their own. But sex typically requires another human being, and no one has the right to that.
If sex was a physiological need, plenty of people would die from the lack of it. Literally no one does.
“I’m too immature to handle not getting what I want and am willing to manipulate the people around me to make it happen.”
It’s probably (?) a human right to have the privacy to get sexual relief by yourself. I think even in prisons they have that requirement. But there is absolutely no “need” to use another person’s body for that, and certainly NOT a right.
obviously i’m biased as an ace but i always think of the quote “thousands have lived without love (sex) not one without water.”
“Well, I need good sex.”
I think men don’t always understand that, in the context of a relationship, sex isn’t always just sex, there’s a lot of mental factors that go into it. When my last relationship ended, he told me part of the reason he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore was because I didn’t have sex enough with him for his liking.
He was a foreign grad student, and we were possibly on borrowed time. And rather than spend the last few months of his visa together, he decided to get a camper and travel around the national parks.
The last month or so we were together, I was so put off by this, combine with the fact that any sort of physical affection from him (a kiss, snuggle on the couch, etc.) wasn’t just physical affection, it was only just to initiate sex.
It’s so disheartening to read some of the other comments on this thread that a partner with a lower libido is almost like a burden. We can’t all be porn star sex kittens all the time.
If your “need” involves compliance from another person, you need to re-evaluate. If their partner gets sick, etc., are they going to leave because they no longer get their “needs” met? Many ways to have an orgasm.
Those men don’t understand the difference between needs and wants.
Most people get horny at some point or another. I can understand WANTING sex.
But nobody in the history of anything has ever died from not having sex.
If they needed it, they would have sex with each other.
I think it is the underlying subtext. They do not understand sexual desire, neither their own nor the women’s that [straight men] date.
But I also think that by “needing” sex, they mean that they believe they are entitled to sex from a specific individual, a specific number of times. (Whenever he is in the mood, until he is done with her. If it’s in a LTR, they go in with the expectation of a minimum of X amount of sex per week, no matter what.)
If your only physical contact with another human being is via sex, I can see how that feels like a need but that still doesn’t make it a truth.
There’s to many men that are using sex as their only form of physical and emotional connection to another person and that’s what leads to the thinking that it’s a need. What men need to do is work on the quality of their friendships and platonic relationships as well as learn to be good friends who give as much as they take.
They don’t need sex, they need a village, but they’ll never have one if they don’t ever put in the effort to being a good villager.
A man who actually needs sex is an addict. I’m guessing many men are self-enabling unhealthy sex addictions. They need therapy. More sex will only make things worse for them, let’s all try to keep them clean and sober until the cravings go away.
What they are really saying is “I expect sex.”
I think most of us feel like we need intimacy, which tends to lean sexual in the brains of most men, as programmed by society.
Most humans need a physical connection in a relationship. It does not have to be sex though. There is a lot of baggage about self worth tied into feeling like a sexual being.
If they really “needed” sex, masturbation would suffice.
I don’t know…my girlfriend says this.
I always wonder if they would “need” sex without an orgasm. Because for the vast majority of the men I’ve encountered, that’s what they are offering. And yet they are surprised we don’t “need” it.
I think that it’s valid to point out that often this sentiment is expressed in the context of pressuring the partner for sex they don’t want to have, and that that’s a problem that the man needs to address (usually through therapy). I believe that the need for desire, intimacy, physical contact, and pleasure are legitimate emotional needs and can be expressed in a neutral way. In a healthy relationship, partners don’t express their emotional needs with a sense of urgency that puts pressure on the other partner to fulfill them. When we are managing our emotional sphere well, we understand that it’s ultimately our own responsibility to fulfill our emotional needs. We aren’t really doing it directly for one another – we’re asking for things that we need, and we need to be resilient enough to hear and adjust when the answer isn’t a simple ‘yes’. It is an uncomfortable truth that sometimes partners have needs that require negotiation to be met, or outright are in conflict with one another. Sometimes that means the relationship needs to end. I think that the toxic dynamic comes when men bring things to this brink artificially and prematurely as a tactic for bypassing the negotiation required in a healthy relationship. That’s gross and unfortunately all too common.
Source: am cisman in 10+ year relationship with demisexual ciswoman where these needs are an ongoing discussion.
Men saying, “I need sex,” are just steps away from rape apologia.
High sex drive? Manage your body. I’m hungry a lot, but my metabolism isn’t anyone else’s responsibility. Neither is anyone’s libido.
Well, I need a million dollars. Get over it.
I have an extremely high libido. I prefer masturbating because quite frankly it’s less messy and more satisfying. Men need to grow up.
Sex is a want, not a need.
Sure, I want good sex but I don’t need sex to live a happy life. There are plenty of other ways to get the base needs that sex can fulfil in a person’s life. I say this as someone with a high sex drive. I’m not tearing myself apart because I’m not getting dicked down daily.
Any dude who says they NEED sex is telling on themselves. The sex is never good and they’re using sex as a stopgap to fulfil their actual needs in life.
It’s guilt tripping that has permeated lots of (especially hetero) relationship dynamics. I’ve become a little repulsed lately by the opposite sex
I get it. I had a guy literally beg me for sex on a first and only date once. He even whined about how he hadn’t had any since his divorce, and he came off as so entitled and gross. I was so glad my housemates were home, because he was doing this begging thing when he took me home that evening. I think about how he was a giant man and he might have been more aggressive if we’d been alone.
I was a young woman who was a bit naive, and steeped in patriarchal bullshit back then. I didn’t really want to go on that date, but convinced myself that I should give that man a chance, and be nice (barf) so I went. He was probably twenty years older than me. His begging routine was unbelievable.
I learned to avoid age gaps and trust myself. But he’s not the only man to ever try to coerce me into sex, just the only one to resort to actual begging.
When it is outside of a relationship it feels like they are claiming that they had a purely physical need that it was any woman’s duty to fill.
When my husband or I feel a need for sex it’s also because we need the intimacy and touch, for both of us, and the relationship. It doesn’t feel like being used
I had a neighbour who told me he needed someone to relieve himself in! After his divorce because his wife wouldn’t let him…
it’s a disgusting way to put it because it sounds like a spoiled child: i need sex and you have to give it now regardless of anything else or else i’ll be in a bad mood and make you feel awful until you give in.
“i need sex every now and then to feel happy and fulfilled” is a valid feeling as long as they understand that needing something does not equal someone being obligated to give it to you any time you demand it. which most of them don’t.
i need money for basic necessities and for some extra things that will make me happy. i need to eat my favorite food when i have a really bad day. i need to sleep properly. i need to fill my life with things that feel like more than just surviving. i need a new show or book to fall in love with. i need a new phone because mine is slow. and yet it’s no one’s job to make sure it happens.
Do you need hugs and affection? You don’t need those things to live. But your quality of life will be reduced.
Some men and some women really like and highly value the connection provided by sex, some don’t have strong desire there. It’s important to try to match up with your partner in ways that work for you both. In cases where one partner wants to have a lot of sexual contact and other partner doesn’t it could mean they are simply incompatible as partners.
I have known at least one couple where it was the woman who had a much higher libido than her male partner so it definitely doesn’t always go just one way.
I mean. You don’t “need” a supportive relationship or a good partner either.
Men saying, “I need sex,” is like saying I need mac n cheese.
I am like you in that I think a healthy and active sex life is something I want with a boyfriend, a partner, a long-term romantic interest. I have a ton of friends (guys, gals) who are amazing, attractive and awesome beings; and I still don’t want or need to have sex with them. Other people want sex in more contexts and situations. That is fine. You don’t have to be one of these people.
I feel like “need” is not to be taken literally. Like how we say, I need a cell phone, I need the internet, electricity, coffee etc. nobody grammar polices when someone says I need my partner to xyz, check certain boxes or whatever to be intimate. Should we change the term “emotional needs” to “emotional wants?”
I feel like that’s a personal experience thing … I resonate with that statement however no one is required to comply but I definitely will get what I want from someone who’s willing. I also can’t and won’t be in a relationship that’s lacking sex.
I know a woman who said she thought she had depression but realized after ending a low-sex relationship that her mood was fine if she just had sex regularly.
There’s no correct level of sex drive, but it is important to find a partner who’s desire for sex is broadly matched to your own.
I think it’s a huge misconception that men have a higher sex drive than women or that men are more unsatisfied with the amount of sex in a relationship. It absolutely goes both ways and I anecdotally hear more women say they wish their partners wanted sex more than men.
Acting entitled or transactional about sex is toxic of course. I don’t think it’s something you can demand or negotiate, but I do think that a good relationship needs to have mutual interest in sex as a positive, exciting bonding experience.
I have a somewhat higher libido than my partner. So there’s times where I take matters into my own hands, so to speak (I usually check if they want to be involved, just in case, and sometimes that’s the case and sometimes not).
Intimacy though? We have so much of that. Hugs and back rubs and falling asleep spooning. Washing each other’s hair. Cuddling in front of the tv. Cuddling and talking. Holding hands. So much touching that doesn’t have to be sexual. I’ve never felt closer to anyone.
Y’all are so easy to say how unnecessary sex is. Well , I’m a wife who couldn’t have sex for 10 years bc of my husband’s health issues, and it did feel like it was killing me, I’m sorry to tell you all. I was depressed, I felt desperate all the time, I cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. Yes, I had a vibrator, several in fact. It’s not the same as being with a living, breathing human who can surprise and delight you.
Depression hurts and can kill you.
So don’t sit there and tell me people don’t need sex just because you don’t.
I think the “need sex” vs “need sex for a relationship to work” makes sense and isn’t splitting hairs. I mean, that’s how I’d describe it. I’ve been single for the last ten months and haven’t had the mood strike to hook up with anybody, so clearly I don’t need sex; my vibrator and I get along just fine. But unfortunately, I just couldn’t make a relationship with an asexual person work (I say unfortunately because I did try—and would potentially try again with somebody more on the grey end of the spectrum or who has sex but doesn’t initiate, etc, but I digress). So yeah, I don’t Need Sex, but I need sex to make a relationship work, at least at first. Like if something changed later down the line once we had that firm foundation that might be different, but for me at least sex would be one support on that foundation
I’ll give you my perspective as a man. When I was younger, the desire for sex didn’t feel much different than the desire for food. The longer I went without, it almost became all consuming. Just like when you are hungry and cannot concentrate. It definitely felt like a need.
As I’ve gotten older my testosterone has dropped significantly. Now I feel like I can finally understand lower libido people. I certainly don’t feel like I need sex anymore. It wasn’t until my desire dropped that I could relate.
And just to add, I never told my spouse that I need sex. I know she has no obligation to do something she doesn’t want to do. I’m just relaying what was I was going on in my head.
When my ex did this he was in the middle of a manic episode and would make me feel like shit when I wouldn’t have sex with him. Lots of coercion and lots of tantrums when I wouldn’t have sex.
“I need sex too. A good one.”
Many people experience love through sex when they’ve been emotionally hurt a lot, so I get it- that they think they need sex. But just like love, sex is not required to live, and so demanding it or feeling entitled to it is very off. People don’t owe you love in any form (incl sex). And I think that’s what is so off putting.
It does make me wonder if this “I need sex” thinking justifies rape in their heads.
There are separate needs: emotional connection, touch, orgasm. Yes having sex can satisfy all at once, but if you aren’t having sex you can masturbate, cuddle with a friend, talk to a friend. Take responsibility for your own needs. Make some friends you can be close to physically and emotionally. Jerk off more.
I’m a woman with PCOS and when my testosterone got really high I could sort of understand how men feel. I felt angry all the time and also really horny. I still had control over my emotions and actions, but it was a weird surprise.
To me, when people say they need sex, it feels the same as saying in a relationship. I understand why it gives people pause, but if someone were to say “I need to feel respected,” I don’t think anyone here would counter back with “you need food, water, and air. You won’t die without respect.”
It’s totally ok to have needs in your relationship. If your partner isn’t respecting you, you should leave. If you’re sexually incompatible, you should also leave. It’s up to you to decide what you can tolerate in a relationship. It’s not up to you to try and make your partner fit your needs.
I hear them expressing a feeling. Like when my 19-year-old child told me, “I want to have a baby. My body just wants to have a baby!” Or when I NEED to have a different president. Sometimes my spouse tells me they need a back rub. Sometimes I rub their back. I don’t judge or feel contempt.
Sex is a psychological need. No, no one is obligated to give you a piece of their body. On the same token, we shouldnt act like it’s not a facet of life that has many negative consequences when ignored
As someone who has gone most of her life without sex… I think that sex is a natural need, just like the need to have someone close that you can really talk to, the need to be useful to society (and feel capable in what you’re doing), the need to be respected as a human being etc.
They aren’t needs like air or water. You don’t need them to survive, and can temporarily go without them. But without them, life is considerably more unfulfiling and painful.
So yes, I understand the need of sex – hell, I myself sorely miss it. I don’t enjoy it only as something to support and strengthen a relationship, but also as… a form of shared closeness and joy, something that makes me feel desirable and wanted, a woman rather than just a biological machine.
That being said, nobody owes anyone sex. So in my world, it’s absolutely understandable and normal to feel like you need sex to be actually happy, but at the same time, that doesn’t give anyone the right to push others into sleeping with them. It’s may be a need, but it’s not a right.
Like if he’s on his knees, hands tied behind his back. Arching toward me and whimpering that he needs sex. I’m ok with that. 😏
I need sex sounds like they’re not thinking about it as part of a more connected system. Just that they need that, without thinking about how / why it might not be happening
I need sex in a relationship sounds like they’re aware of the dynamics that play
Men say they need sex and then coerce and rape women who love them. They justify cheating if you say no to sex because you aren’t in the mood. They turn us down but if we say no it’s like a war just started. Men think they’re having a loneliness crisis because they aren’t having sex. The entitlement makes me never want to speak to a man again sometimes. I had no idea they were so shallow and that men literally cheat on their wives when they get sick because they think they “need” sex. The funny thing is the guys who say stuff like this are also so bad in bed. Like my dude no one is having sex with you or they cut it off because you’re terrible in bed and you have a bad attitude. They’d rather threaten than improve themselves to get what they want.
Hormones are a hell of a drug. Its a visceral desire. A lot of men lack impulse control, they never learned that no means no and that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
When I ovulate I find myself “needing sex” bc i think about it almost all day and just want the sensation so badly but I would definitely live without it.
If its something a guy says flippantly or matter of factly, like “I need sex, if a woman doesn’t give it to me were done” or something misogynistic like that, he’s not worth the ground he stands on.
strong negative connotation for me as well. in addition to your point about context, whenever i’ve heard that line used, it’s been in a manipulative context 100% of the time and a constructive conversation 0% of the time. usually it feels like an immediate demand, at least in my experience. mega ick
Nope. It’s meant to make another person/persons obligated to provide sex
That should inspire disgust and contempt
Most women need emotional intimacy to thrive and somehow many live without it just fine … I feel the same way about men who need sex. They should do the work needed to foster a relationship that has that & also accept there will be periods in life where they don’t get it
Need no. Want yes. Will you die? No. Then not a need.
Can a person have a healthy social life without sex. Absolutely. But many men don’t have any intimacy outside sex.