I don’t know how to distinguish between asking for too much or asking for the bare minimum. I make my boyfriend coffee every morning & lunch every day. I make dinner most nights. I do the laundry. Change the bed sheets.
I got surgery 3 weeks ago and my mum flew over for it. He was too hungover to come with me. When we came back home, he had been smoking weed with his friends so went to bed. A week later he said he had actually meant to get me flowers for my arrival but his friends were over so he wasn’t able to. I’ve asked him for sunflowers for the past 3 weeks. He said he’s set reminders for it.
I bought myself the damn sunflowers yesterday.
I get social media is fake and the grand gestures are probably all orchestrated. But my god. I’d like to feel seen.
Edit: omg I didn’t expect this to receive this much traction. Thank you so much for all the comments and also the well wishes. It’s really opened my eyes – the flowers aren’t even the worst point here I’m truly delulu right now. I need to find the courage to do what needs done. Thank you everyone
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You deserve better.
My dear, the flowers are the least of your worries if he’s too hungover to accompany you to surgery and too stoned to tend to you after.
Dump him, you’ll be glad you did!
ETA: I had surgery 2 weeks ago, and didn’t realize I wouldn’t be able to do stairs AT ALL. My coworkers suggested I go to their house. Male COWORKER was deadlifting me off the couch for bathroom trips and making sure I had coffee, cough drops and enough pads after my hysterectomy.
It was an eye opening experience. Make sure your next bf is at least as good as my coworker.
I think you know what you need to do…
Honestly he sounds like a shitty boyfriend. A decent boyfriend would be concerned about your wellbeing, prioritizing keeping you company and being there for you when he can. Yours doesn’t seem to care or even try.
All men who care tend to show it differently, but they also never leave you in question about whether or not they care.
I could understand flagging in one area ALONE, but he’s not there for you at ALL, why are you still with this piece of stinky dead weight?
Boy, bye.
You aren’t asking too much. You deserve better and there is better out there. Honestly him not doing something because (insert drug or alcohol related consequence here) is an indication of your future. He is a loser.
What makes you say he’s your boyfriend? That’s not even friends with benefits, as he doesn’t seem to like you enough to even consider you a friend. Sounds more like you’re his bangmaid. No wonder he’s out with friends – you’re unable to work after all, so what’s in it for him to be with you?
You’re asking for less than the bare minimum and he still doesn’t do it.
Your quality of life would actually improve if you dumped his ass. If you continue settling for this then you’re telling yourself everyday that this is what you deserve.
He was smoking weed while you were getting surgery? You can do so much better than this fool.
THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY
There are plenty of people who would look after you properly – find one of those! Sending healing wishes to you x
Bestie just throw the whole man away what are you even getting out of this relationship
Your romantic partner should be the person making you feel the MOST supported, loved, and cared for in your life. Don’t date people who make you feel less loved than your best friend does.
Your mom flew out for your surgery, so it was planned. He wasn’t able to keep himself from drinking, smoking weed or hanging out with friends to be there for you during that? I wouldn’t accept flowers from someone who was so lame. Full of excuses. Find a way to respect yourself enough to end this before you spend your life being treated as second to booze, weed and socializing.
You haven’t asked for the bare minimum yet. None of this sounds good.
Grand gestures may be overblown, but you’re not even asking for a grand gesture. It sounds like you’re asking for a bare minimum, and if he was really invested in your well-being in the way a significant other should be, he would be going above and beyond your low expectations.
Leeeeeeave him
Please ask yourself if he is actually improving your life by being in it, or if your life would be better without him.
Does he even like you?
Girl. You would’ve had beautiful flowers 3 weeks ago if you got them for yourself. Dump your boyfriend and only date someone who is an improvement from being single.
>A week later he said he had actually meant to get me flowers for my arrival but his friends were over so he wasn’t able to
Classic line of wanting credit for something he never did.
If you want to be seen or respected, it ain’t gonne be from this guy
Sweet girl. It is time to leave. I see your post history. I was you, once .. Hell, I might be you now … these boys are perfectly happy with their little lives; drinking and smoking to excess, no real responsibilities, completely unaccountable. That’s not the kind of partner you can build a happy life with. They’re looking for bang-maids, to use a phrase by Frank Reynolds, and nothing more. He won’t get you flowers. He won’t cut back on his vices. He is happy with his life as-is, so why would he change?
You will not find contentment with him. You cannot grow alongside him. The sooner you quit something that stinks, the sooner you can find something that doesn’t.
The fact that your mother had to fly in when he was there tells you everything you need to know
How many more red flags do you need, OP?
Too hungover to help you knowing you were having surgery?
Stoned with his friends when you’re recovering?
Not doing anything to take care of you when you do it for him every day?
The flowers are the least of your problems with this chump
Read what you wrote omg. What if one of your friends or loved ones said that about their partner? You already know what you’d say. Wow.
Hey, quick questions:
1 — Were you proud of how your boyfriend behaved around your mom?
2 — Do you like to show this man off to people whose opinions you value?
3 — Was your mom happy you chose a partner who got drunk and stoned when you needed caregiving? Or did you make excuses for him?
Just think about what your choice in partners is saying about you, and why you feel like this is the message you’d like to send to yourself and everyone else. This guy’s a mess but you are the one who is still referring to him as your boyfriend, not your ex.
That man likely doesn’t even like you. He’s using you for what he gets from you. Stop giving away your labor for free. He needs to add to your life with the same amount of emotional, physical, and mental labor as you provide. He isn’t even doing things for you AFTER A SURGERY. That is insane.
I don’t know him, maybe he helps his buddies, but he doesn’t do shit for you (it sounds like). And in a relationship, that matters. He’s not prioritizing you. He’s neglecting someone who actively works to make his life better. And because of that your life actively gets shittier. Why??? Why do we do that to ourselves? Find someone who makes your life better than it would be without that person in it. Find someone who treats you the way you treat him.
When I was hospitalized my bf tried to stay there the entire time (I shoo’d him away to he could take care of our pets, shower, and sleep in our bed). Then once I was home I was almost unable to clean my self after using the toilet. He got wet wipes and was willing to wipe my own ass. Thankfully, I was able to but he was committed.
I really care about this. He failed you miserably. When the chips are down really shows if they are in this relationship fully. He is not.
I have been married over 50 years. Times I have cared for him and some times he has cared for me but we take it as it comes. I complain he doesn’t show affection easily but when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, when I needed surgery and almost died he was there for me. Last year he had dangerous heart issues and I took care of him.
Being there when you are well is easy but being there when you need them to care for you is the real test. Find a good man.
He was too hungover to accompany you to surgery?
He was too high to care about you post surgery?
He had friends over at all knowing you would be coming home from surgery?
He wasn’t preparing the home for your needs post-surgery?
When I had surgery my mom offered to fly out and I told her no because my partner was fully capable and willing to care for me. Not only did he take time off work to take me to my appointment, he made me food, got me extra stuff, helped me off the couch when needed, and was just there for me.
Seriously; What does this man do that makes you believe he cares for you?
He’s lying around on the couch with his friends, getting high, while you’re having surgery. He’s taking all the things you do for him as though he’s entitled to them. Like he’s a prince with servants, instead of a man in love with a woman who he treasures.
He’s a selfish taker. Find yourself a giver.
There’s a Miley Cyrus song for this occasion lol
But seriously why give any part of your life to someone who doesn’t appreciate it?
I was once in the hospital for 10 days and my husband put his own life on hold to come visit me every single day. You deserve that too. What you’ve written is really sad. If you were my sister I’d be trying to wormtongue him out of your life.
He was too hungover to go with you to surgery and to stoned to help you when you got back… wow..
He’s an embarrassment.
For me this would be absolutely unacceptable.
> I make my boyfriend coffee every morning & lunch every day. I make dinner most nights. I do the laundry. Change the bed sheets.
OP, serious question: why do you feel you need to look after a grown man?
Did you learn somewhere that it’s simply the cost of having a man?
Let me be the first person to teach you this: it’s not your job, and you don’t need him the way you think you do. You were trained and socially conditioned to think this is all very normal, but the good thing is that you can free yourself from this pain and suffering. I have faith in you!!!
Make it the last time you have to suffer the disappointment from a partner who just uses you like an appliance, before he dumps you at your lowest because the coffee/dinner/sex/clean underwear stopped coming. Or, STOP DOING these things and watch him ruthlessly find someone who will.
I’m so sorry to tell you this, but he doesn’t care about you. He cares only about himself and getting as much as possible from you until you have nothing left. Then he will move on and extract from the next poor woman who was also conditioned this way.
Because you are seeing it now for what it is, I have hope for you—things will get better when you can focus on taking care of yourself. And I know, that’s the hardest thing in the world when we are conditioned to place everyone else’s needs above our own. Shift that and raise yourself up even when it feels wrong and you crave someone else to fill your desires. That’s the real work here. 💞
Girl, toss this loser. You can go so much further without his deadweght .
Men are people. You are also a person.
Would you treat a partner how he treats you? How about a family member? What about a friend? Who would you treat like that? Is it somebody that you love? That you like?
If a friend asked you to take them to surgery on a specific day would you get drunk the night before or would get to bed at a decent hour so that you could be there for them?
I know that you love your partner and you’re looking at the relationship through rose-tinted glasses but look at the relationship through his eyes, not yours. Look up “theory of mind”. You’re projecting your emotions about the relationship onto him.
Men are people and they will do good things for people they care about. They’ll show up for people that they care about.
I am so sorry, but why are you with him?
He was smoking weed with friends when you came home from the hospital? That is inexcusable in my books.
Hugs to you.
The flowers are the least of your problems. He can’t keep himself sober enough to support you during a surgery/recovery? Girl.
Yeah, my ex husband did the same to me when I had emergency appendix removal. Coincidentally my friend was visiting me at this time from our home country and he was the one that came over every day to spend some time with me. It was the straw that broke my back.
I’m sorry you were in the same situation. I wish I could bring you sunflower bouquet.
> and the grand gestures are probably all orchestrated.
You deserve more.
A partner. Someone who will help you when you’re down, cheer you when you’re up. Bring you flowers because you like them. (Unless you, too, have flower-eating-then-barfing cats, then it’s LEGO flower sets.)
Right now, you’re just a mother surrogate for him. Should you have children by him, then you’re mothering him alongside the offspring, and you’re financially tied to this man-child for many years.
Let me throw some Internet Dad energy at you here. You’ve got sunk cost fallacy around this guy. You’ve put so much time, energy, emotion into the relationship, and it sounds like you don’t get much in return. Maybe some fleeting moments of happiness? Losing him will likely be rough: finances, finding a place to live, possibly new roommates. But a tree planted today brings you shade tomorrow.
We believe in your happiness. Will you take the steps to also believe in it?
Hospital accompaniment IS the bare minimum (unless things like Covid etc keep them away)
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
OP, even if he had eventually gotten you the flowers, it would have been spoiled by your having to ask him over and over.
Did you enjoy the sunflowers you got yourself? Think about how kind you can be to yourself. You can take you out for romantic dinners, make yourself cum, buy yourself gifts. And you will be the best boyfriend you ever had.
You don’t have to clean up after him anymore, make him meals, remember important dates and then do something nice for that slob. You can do it for you, and not have to feel like you are an afterthought anymore. You don’t need him for anything. He needs you.
My WORK colleagues have sent me flowers. My friends help me all they can. A partner is supposed to participate even more.
OP – your bar is in hell and your boyfriend cant even clear it there. You deserve better.
Yah this is wild! I’m a woman who lives with her partner and when he had major knee surgery in the spring I took time off work, drove him through a snowstorm to the town where the surgery was taking place, sat in the hospital room with him while the surgical team prepped him for surgery, spent the day there during the surgery and post-surgery recovery period, went to pick up all his prescriptions, and drove him home through another snowstorm.
For the first week after we got home, I slept on an air mattress on the living room floor because he couldn’t get off the couch. During that time I emptied his portable urinal, I set an every four hour alarm on my phone so I could dispense his opiate pain meds and kept track of what meds he took and when on my notes app, and I built a makeshift toilet out of a mop bucket and garbage bags when he eventually had to poop but still couldn’t get off the couch.
I also rented a cold therapy machine as well as a shower seat and raised toilet seat for the bathroom. I changed the ice in the machine multiple times a day for weeks. I drove him to all his follow-up appointments. And for about 1.5 months, until he was somewhat mobile again, I did 100% of the cleaning, groceries, errands, pet care, laundry, and cooking (he’s normally the cook so this one was especially hard…we ate a lot of hotdogs lol). All of this while I was attending school and working full time. It was extremely stressful – but I would gladly do it for him again. He was in a huge amount of pain, he was extremely appreciative, and I know he’d do the same for me!
This is the kind of care we should all expect from our partners!! Getting you flowers is literally the absolute bare minimum and he couldn’t even do that. He was too hungover to accompany you to surgery?? He was too stoned to spend any time with you when you got home?? This is some real BS. What would you have done if your mom couldn’t fly out and take care of you?? This is not a person you can depend on. I’m so sorry..
“If he wanted to he would” is the hardest truth I’ve had to swallow. You know how you just want to do these nice things for him so you do? He doesn’t feel the same way. He’s taking advantage of your kindness and It might even be subconsciously.
My friend has recently been seeing a new guy. They are still casual. Her friend bailed on a country show, and this guy offered to go with her even though he doesn’t listen to country. He went out and bought a whole outfit complete with cowboy boots and surprised her because he knew it would make her smile. They’re going out of town this weekend because she mentioned she wanted to try a new restaurant in a nearby city, and next thing she knew- he’d made reservations for them. When people say “if he wanted to- he would”— it’s true.
Honey, you don’t have a boyfriend, you have a man baby. I understand it’s hard to realize you wastet 5 good years on him, but don’t waste another day with this shithead. I was in your exact situation and I knew then, when he didn’t show up in the hospital to visit me, which was my only wish, we were done.
A few years later, the damage was done, I didn’t expect my current partner to be in the waiting room after an ER visit, but he was there. In the middle of the night, at the other end of our big city. He was here. He brought me a jacket, we walked home togehter. And we are still together, because he actually cares about me. You deserve that too! And your caring partner is waiting out there for you to stop waisting your time on shithead. You can do it, I believe in you! <3
If he’s too high to get you the flowers you requested (and he seems to have agreed to) after a known surgical event happening…
Is this the kind of attentiveness and the level of care that you’re willing to put up with for the rest of your life?
He doesn’t cook, doesn’t do laundry, doesn’t follow through on tasks he has reminders for, cannot accompany you to important life/health things… what does he bring to the relationship? You don’t have to answer here, it’s just something to think about.
If I have to beg a man for something—flowers, a date, simple fucking respect and care for my safety and wellbeing—never mind. He is not worth humiliating myself over.
He’s not worth it, OP. Summon up your pride and leave.
Forget the flowers…he’s too hungover to accompany you to surgery?? BYE!
And he’ll be like “she showed no signs she was unhappy” to his friends.
You gotta stop trying to do CPR on the bloated corpse of your relationship. It’s already rotting from the inside out. Sorry for the blunt metaphor, but I feel like you need to hear that he doesn’t even treat you as a girlfriend at this point. Even if you were a stranger and you were struggling to walk down the street, some people would stop and ask if you’re okay. Has he cooked for you since you got home? Done the dishes? Has he tried getting you to rest if you’re pushing yourself? Has he even gotten you done snacks or anything? Or is he just laying around, making a mess, getting drunk and stoned, and making more work for you to deal with while you’re recovering? What does he do that improves your life in any way? If you can’t come up with good answers to these questions, then it’s time to start looking into how you can leave safely.
I just had unexpected surgery after going into the ER yesterday. My boyfriend, (of only 8 months mind you), was there by my side every moment he was allowed by doctors and nurses. Then today, he worked from home and is again right by my side doing anything and everything I could possibly need. THAT is how a partner acts in these situations. I would do the same for him without a second thought. You deserve so much more, I am so sorry you experienced this 💜
Your boyfriend was too busy smoking weed with his buddies to help out when you had surgery.
Right.
It’s not about the flowers and you know it’s not about the flowers, it’s about this loser who is happy to let you take care of him and disappears when you need him to take care of you.
And even if he is uncomfortable around medical stuff, there were lots of other things he could have done.
But he didn’t.
What does this man do for you that you couldn’t just do for yourself with less drama?
He wants credit for his intentions, you’re looking at his actions.
And yes, the flowers are small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Remember: if he wanted to, he would. He doesn’t want to.
Too drunk? What a useless POS! Flowers , to me, really aren’t the point. To me, it’s that he could be bothered to fucking HELP YOU….
Know what happened when I was getting surgery?
My boyfriend visited me EVERY SINGLE DAY.
The hospital didn’t offer vegan food so he cooked for me EVERY SINGLE DAY.
He made sure to drop by my apartment and feed my cat and keep him company EVERY SINGLE DAY.
He took reduced hours from work in order to care for me when I got home and he stayed with me for a week. He helped me shower, he cooked for me, he went grocery shopping and helped me learn how to walk again.
And he didn’t complain A SINGLE TIME.
He does it when I have a cold and he does it when I had the worst medical emergency of my life.
THAT’S what your significant other is supposed to do when you’re sick. Drop everything and be there for you and make sure you are okay. YOU are supposed to be the priority.
Drop his ass and get yourself someone who actually loves you. Hugs.
Men are full of proclamation of things they were going to do but…
it’s kind of a thing. keep an eye out for it. men have told me all kinds of things they intended to do for me but couldn’t, or “I was going to but”. they want credit for it too, the same as if they actually did the thing.
Dump him.
Why are you still referring to him as a BF?
I’ve been with a guy who didn’t even remember I had a surgery coming up. Didn’t remember my birthday. Didn’t remember the location of my office despite reminding multiple times. I broke up with him, even though he moved to my city to stay closer (this was against my decision). I just ended it. My mom saying, “It doesn’t even seem like he loves you” was kind of a wake up call.
You don’t have to make the jump ASAP. I get that you’re attached as it has been 5 years. But, you do need to dump him soon. Trust me, you’ll only be happier.
Um… someone who has such a severe substance use disorder that they can’t be sober and present when you need them is maybe not a good person to partner with.
Oh honey, I am SO sorry!!
I’m 48 and had a hysterectomy in mid-March and even though my surgery date was literally the day after my man’s birthday and he knew when I had the choice of 2 dates that is meant his birthday would be a bust he was definitely NOT hungover on the morning he drive me to the hospital.
Even though he is awkward with medical stuff, he was in contact with my surgeon throughout what ended up being a longer and more complicated procedure than expected. He was trying so hard to get to me that they moved me through post-op very quickly and into a hospital room where he could also be. And then he almost immediately fell asleep in a chair from the stress!
He then took care of me for the past nearly FIVE MONTHS!! Again, complications and then I broke my foot and was completely non-weight bearing for 6-8 weeks and minimal standing for several additional weeks. As of just today I am finally cleared for normal movement – my break has healed amazingly due to him keeping me off of it – and he is STILL making me dinner tonight even though I could have done it!! He is absolutely amazing. We are closer than ever and I am SO very thankful!!
YOU DESERVE BETTER!! I know it is hard but you need to make tough choices. I am so sorry.
I get that this is a short post that can’t cover all the complexities of a relationship but from what you say, I have to ask why are you in a relationship with this guy? Like what does he do exactly that makes you want to be with him? Because it sounds like you’re doing all of the work.
> He was too hungover to come with me
But this is what sticks out the most to me. Why the fuck is he drinking so much the night before his girlfriend goes in for surgery?
Are you a bangmaid? Think about it.
I had to have surgery and it was my first time so I was so scared. My bf knew this and told me he would be there right when I woke up. Well he wasn’t. He was passed out in his car because he got blackout drunk. The hospital kept calling but he wouldn’t answer. Finally he showed up, obviously very drunk, made jokes about domestic violence to my nurse, and was rough with me helping me put on my shirt. Then he drove home so erratically, got pissed when I said something about it, called me a bitch and then refused to go get me my pain medication for hours until I was crying so loudly that it annoyed him and he went and got it.
my husband took care of my hygiene (showering me, washing me, washing my hair, tidying me up after toilet etc) after my emergency c-section becausemy body was just broken. he let me rest, took over 100% of the housework with his mom (she cooked, he cleaned and held the baby) and made sure to only serve food-favourites.
and honestly, no girlypop should settle for any less.
Getting the girl you love sunflowers didn’t start with social media. It’s a loving gesture as old as cutting flowers themselves. What a fucking asshole. I’m so sorry OP.
Oh OP, you deserve so much better. My husband took care of me for 9 weeks after a massive hemorrhage nearly killed me. I’m talking, literally had to help me do everything! Showering, pooping, cleaning up blood time and again. Cooking and cleaning for the kids, shopping. Everything.
He still managed to bring me flowers weekly. Made my favorite meals on demand. Washed my hair with such tenderness. This is what partnership looks like, and your “partner” is failing fantastically at it!
Just to add: only 3 months after my hemorrhage, just as physiotherapy was about done with my recovery, my husband had a stroke. It was my turn to care for him, and I thank God I was strong enough and healthy enough to manage it! There’s no way I would have been able to help him as much as I did if he hadn’t helped me first.
Partnership.
>He was too hungover to come
Girl that would have been the point where I left his ass.
No, the “grand gesture“ of giving your partner flowers is not, in fact, orchestrated.
He just really does not care about you in the slightest
You don’t have a boyfriend. You have a child.