My wife and I were having an argument and then she casually blurted out,”I don’t know how many men I’ve slept with.” I know she said it to hurt me. Just processing this and trying to figure out how I should feel. How would you feel?
Additional context, we are having an argument about trust. When I first met her, I moved into apartment complex and joined her friends group. About a year later we had moved away. I proposed to her and then that’s when she said oh well, I can’t Mike to the wedding because he and I had sex. I lived over Mark. Mark was part of the friends group. Saw him everyday and she never told me this.
Another issue is that she had met someone I went to college with completely separate with me. I wasn’t even around. Then he left town. Then he came back into town. Contacted her and said hey. Let’s get together and she invited all of us to meet with him and she never told me that she slept with him.
I was saying that I don’t think she was truthful about any of that stuff. I’m sure there’s other people who I ran into that she had slept with and yet never told me.
I heard one woman say never let your man be in a room with another man that you’ve had sex with and not let him know. She did that to me a lot and I find that very disrespectful.
So I said I know there’s more because she’s always been very private about her past. Then that’s when she blurted out. I don’t know how many men I slept with.
Comments
I would ask myself why I didn’t know this before marrying her.
I’d leave her
Was the argument about something big or were you being a baby and demanding a body count?
Because it’s a hella weird thing to blurt out if it wasn’t related to the argument.
>I know she said it to hurt me
what was said isn’t nearly as relevant as that detail
edit: also why is this news to you? you married her
She said it to hurt you, the fact or fiction of it is less important.
do you know how many women you’ve slept with and have you shared that with her?
Gonna need some context on how she chose that to blurt it out.
I can’t think of many instances where I’d exactly be celebrating to hear it though. I generally don’t like hearing about past sexual experiences from someone I’m dating, due to past experiences where the past sexual experiences not being so in-the-past.
I’d be more worried that she used something like that in an effort to hurt you, rather than how many that number could be..
I have no idea how many people I’ve slept with. 🤷♀️
I think if you think she said it to hurt you then that’s a red flag and I would definitely have a conversation about respect and boundaries in your relationship. I’m a girl, I know how many people I have slept with but my partner does not. The only time it’s come up is in the very beginning when I asked about his past and after talking about why he didn’t remember and whatever I felt a lot better. I think context here is key. If your partner is using something against you to hurt you then that’s really not good. If she was just expressing her past/ie it fit into the conversation at hand then I think you should try to push to talk more
I HAVE A WIFE?!?
That’s something you don’t want to know. That’s also something you don’t want to share with her. Why would you ask that? How is it relevant? Terrible question to ever ask
I’d rather worry that she’s ready to say things that she knows will hurt you during an unrelated argument.
I can’t say I know myself for certain. I could probably go back and count in my head but it wouldn’t be worth it. My wife and I have never discussed our body counts but I know it’s probably mediumish for both of us. Who cares, she’s mine now.
If it’s prior to you seeing her, who cares? If it’s during your whole time together, then it’s time to seek counseling.
Dementia kicking in
There’s a lot missing here. Context and reason for the argument are required to provide an educated answer.
I don’t know how many women I’ve slept with. My wife knows this and calls me a slag. The important thing is that I’ve only slept with her since we’ve been together. Both need to grow up. Her for the childish way she’s used that to hurt you, and you for letting it.
Devoid of more context I would have no clue what to make of it.
Why did you ask?
My partner doesn’t know how many girls he’s slept with either. I don’t let it worry me. He was massive of partying when he was younger. And drunk most of the time. Those people don’t matter now. He never cared about them.
I don’t fucking care.
I would wonder why she isn’t better in the sack.
I don’t know how many women I’ve slept with, not something I counted. What matters is she tried to hurt you and she was successful doing so. I would want a sincere apology, not grovelling, just knowing she means it.
I wouldn’t care. Everybody has a past. And I for sure do not know how many women I’ve slept with.
What a weird way to hurt someone’s feelings.
I probably wouldn’t care because most people won’t be honest about their sexual history. If this is something you can’t move past then you might want to see a therapist and figure out if being in a relationship is something you can do. Not too many women out here are saving themselves for their future husbands and it’s been this way for a looooong time.
She’s either really bad at counting or extremely hot or possibly both.
I know you think you know she said it to hurt you but…are you sure? Maybe this was said because it hurts her that you don’t know or that you seem to not care to know? It is entirely possible that this statement came out as a cathartic release.
To answer the question, I’d feel like it was really important, in an effort to understand and appreciate her fully, to understand what she felt in the moment that caused her to make the statement. This might not be about you at all.
If she says anything just to hurt you, than you have way bigger problems.
Depends on the conversation. Had this conversation with my partner and she said the same thing. I told her that’s my answer as well as I don’t know the exact amount just a ballpark range.
Why’s it matter now? Should have sorted that out before the ole I Do.
First time have a conversation about it. Make my boundaries clear. Next time leave.
I would have to admit fair is fair. I have a +/- 10 range
Wouldn’t care and in 16 years never asked
I hate when women use their pussy power as a weapon.
No one is proud of a woman for getting laid a lot. There is no effort required. What a weak and sad thing to say to you to hurt you.
Now you’ll be thinking about how big of a slut she is/was. Nice work, lady.
Plot twist: his wife is Bonny Blue
Before or after we married?
Before? I don’t care. Not like I was a virgin either. After? GTFO; I’ll have my lawyer send papers.
I don’t know how many men she’s slept with as I have never asked.
The fact that she doesn’t know is concerning though!
Additionally, the fact that she said it to hurt you is another red flag.
That I shouldn’t care now because I didn’t ask WAAAAAY earlier than… marriage?
I think someone should know to within a pretty narrow margin. I’ve slept with exactly one person because my wife and I were both virgins when we got married.
Ask her to clarify if she meant last month
It’s a lie. If she said it to hurt you, the number probably isn’t that scary, she’s just pissed/hurt and lashing out. That said, you need to have a discussion with her about that sort of very specific tactic which is wholly unacceptable in a relationship.
Odd self-own, but then women are notoriously poor at math, I wouldn’t worry about it.
I’m gay. I wouldn’t get to that point in a relationship before knowing that our preferences and values were compatible. I’ve only ever slept with men I loved, which after forty years of being openly gay is 2, the first one died of cancer. I can’t separate love and sex, I would make sure whether our preferences were compatible at the very beginning.
Honestly do you love her? Who cares? She’s with you now and she’s just sleeping with you. I used to care about that stuff but I don’t anymore . Idk why she would say that tho to hurt you that’s kinda odd. Did you ask before? I need more context. Because that’s odd to say in the middle of a argument? Is that what you were arguing about? Also some people don’t count the people they have slept with. Idk how meny people I have slept with. I could give a guestament. But I do regret sleeping with that meny people and still being alone.
Hmm 🤔 I’m a woman but before being married if you don’t already have a clue that that’s her situation probs you married someone you don’t know and level set … if it’s ok fine if not get to your next step l
She just blurted that out randomly?
people forget weird things, especially if its connected to trauma or extends over a long time period. i forgot the name of the person i lost my virginity to after less than a year, because it was a terrible one night stand i wish i could forget.
That phrase in it of itself, tells you nothing about a person. However, if you ever get the feeling a loved one is saying something just to intentionally make you feel sad or insecure during an argument, that is a HUGE red flag!
As long as none of them were after we started dating I wouldn’t give a shit
Aslong as the number isn’t going up I wouldn’t have a problem
Why does it matter? She married you.
Unless she’s doing it while you’re married. That’s a different conversation.
Does she know how many she’s slept with since you two first got together? Is that number higher than one? I don’t think it matters what she did before you.
So many extreme comments here. If you love each other, why does it matter? If you’re both faithful and together, then her past body count shouldn’t change that.
I really couldn’t care less. I’m not sure how many women I’ve slept with.
Having said that, I would be pretty upset if my wife said something to me just to hurt my feelings. That’s pretty dysfunctional
Why is this coming up during an argument??
These kinds of questions need to be asked before signing the papers. If that information was important to you, it should have been addressed before getting married. What will change now if she tells you? Whether it’s 1, 10, or over 100…..what will you do with that information? Sometimes, when it’s too late, it’s better not to know certain things. Also, if she doesn’t want to tell you, it probably means you wouldn’t like the answer (and I’m sure she knows your personality and how you will react).
Who cares? If you love her, and she loves you, what does it matter. I am a 55m, I’m sorry you didn’t have as much sex as you before you married. DO NOT let this silly matter ruin things. Let it go.
There’s not much context about the argument.
Not knowing the number aside, having a partner who would casually say something like that just to hurt you is alarming and a huge red flag
Honestly, I don’t know my number exactly but it’s high. and I never asked my fiancee because I really don’t care. Even if her number is high as well, that doesn’t change the relationship because it was in the past and it doesn’t change her in any way.
The thing that SHOULD bother you is, that your wife said that to hurt you.
Having arguments is one thing. Saying things with the only purpose to hurt my partner? That’s a no go.
You’re fighting over the wrong things and it sounds to me like you’re insecure and bullying her. She sounds frustrated if she blurted this out as a last resort to end your line of questioning. I wish her well. The problem is you. Im a married man fwiw.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/s/F9EsFsMKO8
I don’t know how many men I slept with either.
I was no saint in my 20’s and early 30’s. I know it’s around 50 but definitely less than 75? I honestly don’t know the exact number of partners I’ve had. Why would I care if she didn’t either?
Do you love the person she is right now, today, in this moment? If the answer is “yes” then consider that every experience she’s had in life up to this point has been part of forming her into the woman you love.
I never asked my wife because it’s irrelevant. I adore the human being she is today. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I’m lucky to be with her. I hope you’ll be able to look at yours and feel the same way.
I know the last guy she slept with, that’s all I care about.
I don’t know how many man I’ve slept with
I wouldn’t judge and I couldn’t care less. What matters is who she’s with now
Why does it matter? I don’t count how many men I’ve slept with because my mom drilled into me at a young age that it’s nobody’s business and I should never disclose my body count. Ime from what I’ve seen from others, it always just causes problems anyway. So why bother counting in the first place?
“I know she said it to hurt me” is doing a looooot of work here.
Just because you got hurt over it doesn’t mean she said it to hurt you. If she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know. Or she doesn’t wanna take the time to recount each guy and just said she doesn’t know.
Idk, I always think body count bs is a fool’s errand. Why be mad that someone had a life before they met you? As long as she wasn’t cheating on you then what does it matter?
You’re supposed to ask before you put a ring on her
I am a guy, and I don’t know how many women I slept with. After her, I only slept with one. That’s what is important..
I wouldn’t care. there is nothing to do with our relationship. And I’ve been with her for 17 years so it’s
ancient history
I never asked her her body count when we were first dating. Because it didn’t matter
I’m not bothered by what happened prior to me.
Do people typically have this information on hand? I mean if I thought about it for a bit I could ballpark it but there’s no way I could give an absolute number. Is one supposed to keep a log of these things?
I wouldn’t give a shit. If I had them I would’ve figured that out long before I married her. Why would my feelings about it change NOW? Just couldn’t give less of a shit if “we’re in the room with someone she’s banged”, aside of that I’m interested in who he is or looked like or something but genuinely also don’t gaf if she tells me or not.
Why would it matter? My SO & I have been together over 25 years & I have no idea how many people she had sex with before we started our relationship . Why would I care?
Mature relationships don’t need a run down of either person’s ‘bodycount.’ It was before you, it’s not your business.
I can’t hold it against her, the same is true for me! We’re the perfect pairing
How would I feel? I’d feel like it’s time to bounce.
I wouldn’t care. This is a self esteem issue. She married you. Body count is a dumb excuse for sabotaging a relationship.
Seems like a non-issue. I don’t know how many people I’ve slept with. I’ve never asked a partner how many people they have slept with. It really doesn’t matter.
Why would you marry a person without knowing their past. What is the issue with you guys
It’s none of my business
Were they all before she met me? Then, it’s fine.
I mean, I can’t remember the exact number of women I’ve slept with. I have a vague idea. But if body count is that big of an issue for you, id say you have some other issues
It’s her business how many men she’s slept with. If it’s 200, well you may have a problem bc she likes sex with many men. But she also may have ‘sowed her oats’ and your wife is great in bed and you have a wonderful sex life. She should have told you about those other men but she didn’t have to and may have felt it would hurt you. Part of it is about your bruised ego. My partner told me about orgies she had way before we met. I was upset at the time but now I think it’s sort of hot. Just talk it through and establish trust. Ultimately she’s with you now and everything else is in the past.
I mean, personally? I wouldn’t really care. The only reason I would have to care about who the woman I’m with has had sex with is if 1) she had sex with men while we were together, and/or 2) she caught an STI and risked giving it to me. If we’re in a long term partnership and there are no STIs involved and no cheating, then sex is just sex. She fucked those guys but she chose to actually marry me.
Why should I care? It is not a fucking competition! I couldn’t tell you how many I have either. Hell I can’t tell you how many married ones I slept with! Why should a woman be different? You get all that stuff out of your system and move on.
sounds like you married a ho bro
I can’t give her an exact figure either so I can’t judge.
If this kind of thing is important to you, you should really sort it out before getting married.
I’ve definitely been in a room with guys my wife has slept with. And I had no problem inviting women I’ve slept with to our wedding, if they were my friends.
But if we had felt differently, you can be sure we would have talked about it beforehand.
Couldn’t care less. My wife is a bit of a former party girl we should say. I find it to be quite fantastic. Adventurous women are some of the best on the planet. You are finding the wrong things to complain about I’d say.
Maybe she’s one of those people that don’t think sex is a big deal… But I would also like to know how many people in the room have slept with my wife lol
I’m over that phase of caring about stuff like that. I’ve been with a lot of people. No clue the number. She’s never asked me, and I’ve never asked her. We love each other now and that’s what’s important to me.
You seem to have married a ho my guy… there’s no other way to cut it. Putting 2 dicks she’s sat on in the same room??? Just for laughs??? Losing count??? Get tested and RUN bro
Body count isn’t important to me. I also find it hilarious how I usually get downvoted into silence when I say that in men-centered subs. Like I’m not allowed to have that perspective visible.
It’s ok to care about someone’s past, especially their sexual history. It’s also ok not to care about it. Don’t let anyone tell you it should be one or the other. The fact remains that past/sexual history is a huge factor to most men and it’s really a shame that so many are willing to ignore that voice screaming in their head that it matters.
The way she treated you, from trying to throw the information in your face, to actually entertaining past hookups, its street behavior. She doesnt respect you and at this point your options are to be a doormat, or to leave her.
I wouldn’t care. She is not my possession. I only care what she is like with me. That should be all that matters
Man, I think you’ve barked up the wrong tree and got mad when something you didn’t like fell out of it. To me, personally, as long as my wife isn’t trying to fuck any of her previous partners again, it’s a non-issue. Sex is a private, intimate moment between two people and them alone, and frankly I don’t wanna know how the sausage is made, so to speak. And if, as you said, your wife is more private than most, and you knew that, and you were still going on about knowing something that women are aggressively shamed about, I can see why she would say what she did.
The bigger issue to me it seems though is that one or both of you are willing to try to hurt each other in your arguments instead of trying to solve the problem, or that you believe that was the intention whether it was or not. Honestly I’d worry more about that than how many dicks she’s had inside of her.
TLDR y’all could probably do with some counseling, or at the very spend some time reconnecting with each other.
Who she slept with doesn’t matter. Not in the slightest.
The fact that she’s casual friends with multiple guys in “the group” that she’s slept with is a little alarming, and I personally wouldn’t be super cool with it, but it’s negotiable.
Her weaponizing her scandalous behavior knowing it would get a rise out of you, that is mental warfare, and would be grounds for me to call the relationship, full stop.
Personally, the first night I slept with my current girlfriend, I knew she was, uh, experienced. I was blown away, to the point I called my friend the following morning and said “I just got grown woman fucked, holy shit”. Didn’t bother me at all, but we also do not discuss our sexual past.
I wouldn’t care.
Are we connected and in love? That’s what I prioritize.
Body counts don’t matter.
I’m a woman and that’s friggin wrong. If she’s splitting hairs over ‘I didnt lie’ you need to take stock of what else she could be keeping hidden. I hate when people act like something isn’t profoundly wrong with not being upfront about things. Being in regular contact with someone you’ve slept with is big. I can say that bc I’m still good friends with my first boyfriend. I’ve never hidden it and always been very open about it with anyone I date. If they weren’t comfortable with me seeing him then I didn’t. We’ve not slept together since we broke up at 20 and zero interest in doing so. He is just as much a friend as my female best friend. Would never introduce him to a guy I was seeing and them not know the terms of our past and present.