I’m 18, earlier this year my grandfather went to the emergency room with a pain in his abdomen. They ran some test and found a small growth on his pancreas. They did more test and it was pancreatic cancer. He had whipple surgery (no he didn’t get a supercharger) and he never really recovered from it and kept losing weight and was unable to eat. A few months go by and he’s too weak to do chemo and never started when he needed to. I watched him as he slowly went from a healthy man who did yard work and hung out with his friends and fished to someone who was bed ridden without a smile to show. He was always joking when he was well. He went from 6ft 215lbs to 142lbs in 5 months. On his birthday he was more serious than he had been and he told us he wasn’t going to be around much longer. The next night he started having hallucinations and he went to the emergency room again and they found out he had been having mini strokes, and that the cancer had spread to his brain, liver, lungs, and skin. He passed away on May the 31st just 7 days after his 82nd birthday. He was one of my best friends. Not a minute goes by that I don’t think about him. I think about him no matter what. I don’t feel guilt about spending time with him or missed opportunities I just miss him terribly.
When will I get over the death of my grandfather?
r/AskMen
Comments
Probably never, but it gets easier
Time heals, I lost my grandfather in 2021 and just cried about him today. Grief is a never ending process. I recommend reading the poem Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep, or do things your grandfather would enjoy. Pick up some of his mannerisms, listen to some of his music, read some of his books. Living life to the fullest through the dead means they truly did not leave us.
I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know if you’ll ever “get over it.” Feel your feelings, keep your grandpa’s memory alive. Keep him in your thoughts, talk to him if you need to, talk with your family about him.
Here’s something I guarantee your grandfather understood: We don’t control when we’re born and we have only slightly more control over when we die.
He was out of time. You’re a young man. You probably have a lot of time left. He would want you to bury the dead and march on.
My grandfather passed away from skin cancer that spread to various organs – the main issue being his bladder. I felt super guilty because he was always making an effort to be closer to me (especially towards the end), but I was in my young teenage years too hung up on chasing tail.
I felt guilt/shame/regret for a good 2 years after. I did mow his grass and try from time to time, but I definitely could have done better. Now I just try to focus on the good memories. He was a good dude and I was just too young and dumb to prioritize him 🙁
The only thing we can do is focus on the good our grandparents brought us, the lessons we learned from them, and god willing, we will be given an opportunity to do the same for our grandchildren.
You will never. But it does get easier. My son has my grandfather’s name, he was born 2 years after his passing.
Even now, 13 years later, I catch myself thinking, “I must tell Granddad McCarthy that he’ll roar with laughter..” Then a few seconds later, I remember.
I appreciate little moments in life more, cherishing any time with family and friends. Because life is like a party, some people have to leave early, some do Irish goodbyes and some stay to the end.
You’ll be OK, live on thinking of him and being the man you know he wanted you to be.
It does get better. Sad memories and loss are slowly replaced by better ones. Talk to his friends and your family. They will have amazing stories. It takes time but it does get better.
Give yourself at least a year. All
Of the “firsts” without him will be hard. First Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday etc. after the first year it does jet a little better.
I lost my grandmother 34 years ago and still miss her. It isn’t like there is a hole in my heart anymore. It’s more the warm memories from my childhood that I remember.
grandfather was as much a parent to me as my own, he died when i was 16, i still think about him all the time. it does stop hurting eventually though, youll still miss him
dont get over them, you get used to it
My grandfather died when I was 15. I’m 42. My son is named after him. The answer is never. But it will get easier.
Mine died when I was ten. I can think of him without crying now. It’s been 33 years.
I am sorry for your loss. God bless you and your Grand Father.
Your relationship with death gets better as you age. It’s hard when you’re a kid. It’s not at all for me now at 40. At 18 life feels like this forever thing that doesn’t necessarily change over time.
Specifically, over time you watch yourself change and you start viewing life as a journey and by the end of it, everyone wants to go home, and you do.
The truth is, unfortunately, you might never “get over” this. You’ll grow with it, you’ll find new ways to understand his passing and honor your memory of him, and you’ll come to terms with your loss.
Here’s an analogy I like:
When a tree gets struck by lightening, it can often keep growing. Sometimes it heals enough to hide the scar deep in the wood.
So can you. You have a trauma now, you lost someone dear to you. And that will leave a deep and painful scar in your psyche. But you’ll grow, you’ll embrace the hurt, and it will be a part of you as you grow around it.
Loss is inevitable, and the pain is probably going to be with you for life, creeping up on you at surprising moments. But you can use those moments as an opportunity to remember, to smile, and to share a story with friends. In this way, you keep him alive in your heart
I am very sorry for your loss. Get over? That’s not going to happen in my experience with those close friends and family members I have lost over the years. The good news is that grief is likely to become more manageable with time. Right now you’re probably feeling like being out in the middle of an ocean with 100 foot waves coming at you from all different directions. Eventually it will feel like the waves come at slower intervals. Eventually you will be able to have conversations with people about good memories and smile and even laugh. Sometimes out of nowhere a wave will come and the grief will come back. Maybe not as severe, but it will come back. Just allow yourself to grieve and accept that you are going through a traumatic event and there is nothing abnormal about how you feel. There are grief counselors, and grief support groups if you are interested. Look up in your area.
My grandfather died 30 years ago, and I still miss the hell out of him.
I take solace in knowing he would be very proud of the man I have become
Time. Sorry for your loss. Sounds like he lived a long, fulfilling life.
My grandpa died when I was your age. I’m almost 40 and I tear up every time I think of him. I can still hear his voice. You probably won’t ever get over it, but it will get easier over time. Sorry for your loss.
We don’t get over it so much as we find ways to become like our loved one in the best of ways.
My grandmother never said an unkind word about anyone. About a year ago my grown daughter said “Oh, mom. You won’t say anything bad about anybody!”. It wasn’t until then that I knew I had succeeded….my grandma was still alive. In me.
I wouldn’t say you’ll ever get over it but it just gets easier to deal with. My grandpa passed a decade ago and theres still some times when he just randomly pops in my mind and I start tearing up a little bit lol. Like last weekend, I went to go coach my wrestling team like I always do but like mid day, I just randomly remembered how my grandpa used to come to all my tournaments and that got me feelin a way for a few days. Death is a part of life and I’m definitely not very good at handling it but what can you do. I feel like I’ve changed as a person everytime I’ve had to deal with it and its typically for the better.
I wont say its easy but just let yourself feel the grief and dont be like me and suppress it only to end up dealing with it for years. I turned to drugs and alcohol when my grandpa passed and that just extended the grief period so much longer than it should’ve but if we’re staying optimistic, going thru that phase taught me what not to do lol
Whether it is in a word or in a look, you can’t get rid of the Babadook
Unfortunately death is part of life. I’m double your age and I’ve lost all my grandparents. And now I’m witnessing my parents and in-laws aging into their 70s. Life is a cruel mistress, hang onto those beautiful memories of you and your grandpa, tell stories to your future kids about him, he clearly had an impact on your life. Time heals most wounds, stay positive, he wouldn’t have wanted you to dwell on his death. Live life to the fullest. In his honour.
I was extremely close with my grandparents. I just recently lost my grandfather as well. I found myself extremely angry. The man was a saint and passed at 94. It was his time. But I wasn’t getting past all my anger that he was gone. I started therapy and it is making a big difference. Just need to talk to someone as I miss him every day.
82 is pretty damn good! Be proud you got that time and always remember things he taught you
My grandpa was an amazing man. WWII vet, army boxing champ. Nazi slayer. We could sure use him back. He was also the best most loving grandpa. I’m 50 and I’ll never forget, bit I’m not sad anymore.
Sorry for your loss.
The way I dealt with family loss is to think that they would want you to be sad for a bit but to move forward and honor them with the great things you will do with your life….
It never goes away, but it gets better. It’s true and I’m sorry for your loss. 💔
Time heals all wounds. My dad died in 2001, and a lot of close friends died between 2005 and 2010. My grandpa just passed away last month.
The pain is more poignant the first death you experience. It lessens with time. The more deaths you experience, the less it hurts. But time is the only thing that will lessen your pain and grief.
It’s hard, consider that you got to spend time with him until you were 18. Mine were both gone when I was a child so I never got to hang out with them as adults, ever.
82 is pretty damn good! Be proud you got that time and always remember things he taught you
Sorry for your loss, OP. You’re getting to that phase of your life (late teens to early 30s) where most people lose their grandparents. It sucks. I’m 45 now and just lost my first parent, my father, less than two years ago.
It’s hard. But it gets better with time, and the experiences help shape how you view death and thus your own life. Your grandfather would want you to feel even more eager to take advantage of every day you have. We’re all on borrowed time. It’s a matter of when, not if, we pass away. So it’s about enjoying it while we can, no matter how long it lasts.
Time. Take a moment and look up Thomas Jefferson’s letter to John Adams when Abigail Adams died. That’s the best advice.
I still miss my Grandparents and I think about them all the time. I was just thinking about my Grandfather teaching me about the properties of cherries as I was making a smoothie. It’s been more than 12 years now.
But honestly, I don’t want to get it over it. I loved my Grandparents and I hope I always remember them well.
It just ticked over 10 years that my grandmother passed away when I was young. I used to go and see her every Sunday. I did this for about 6 years. I wasn’t doing it for any other reason other than I wanted to go and see my grandmother. But I realized after she passed that she needed it too. My dad had told me after the fact that it was something that she looked forward to every Sunday. She made it to a healthy 94 years old. As she got closer to the end she started saying to me, “If you can’t be good, be safe.” It was not something she had told me ever before but I now have it tattooed on my arm. I think about her all the time. I like to think that she’s the angel watching over me. The tattoo was a bit of closure as well as the reminder of the mark that she left on my life. I don’t know if a tattoo of something resembling your grandfather is something that you’d want, but it sure feels good for me.
She also used to sing a wee tune that went ” wherever you may be, let your wind go free!”. She was an incredible woman.