If you have been in a relationship with someone and it was clear the long term viability of the relationship was diminishing daily, and you had small children, how did you handle the guilt of considering leaving, or actually leaving ???
If you manage to pull the relationship back from the ledge, how did you do that ??
Asking for a friend lol
Comments
It’s why I haven’t left. I can deal with a lot of things but not my kids’ pain.
I don’t have kids but if I may from a perspective of a divorced child, if you don’t get a long and are fighting it’s better ya split. Like for real real, I’ve had friends move out the state because they couldn’t stand their parents arguing at home. I myself was lucky that my dad was a POS that never showed up again and my mother had custody of me. My mother had a profession luckily and she worked and sustained both me and my brother, my pos father never showed up ever again and good riddance. If you both are just going to cause problems at home together just split, it sucks for the kid and they’ll be upset often but if you bring crap at home your kids will hate you both and their main goal in life will be to get out that house and never come back.
I (male) initiated a divorce with my ex-wife with a two-year old. For me, it was a life or death situation. I was so miserable that I prayed for death, and was taking increasingly dangerous choices that would eventually kill me. I was utterly lost and without any hope.
It occurred to me that staying, for the sake of my child wasn’t doing them a favor. I figured that it might be better, in the long run, to be alive and available half the time than not at all.
It turned out that it had very little impact on my child. They adapted to the new reality and seemed much happier with a father who knew happiness again.
I realised the pain for the kids on separation is short-term. The pain of living their whole childhoods in a horrible environment was far worse.
I could only be the father they needed if I was happy. And that meant being away from their mother.
The guilt never fully goes away but it becomes something you learn to carry, not something that controls you.
A lot of men say the thought of hurting their kids broke them. But staying in a miserable, tense, or loveless marriage can also hurt your kids just in quieter, long-term ways.
Leaving doesn’t make him a bad father. Staying doesn’t make him a good one. Showing up with love and honesty wherever he is , that’s what matters.
Knowing I’d be in it for a long while made the decision to ask her what she wants and do my best do give it to her until the kids were old enough to understand and then go our ways
This all came to an end last year and my relationship w my kids is better than it’s ever been.this is an over simplification but it’s the just of it
18mos of crying, but in the end my kids are flourishing…glad you’re good
Was with her for 18 years. There is no guilt. The kids weren’t seeing two parents who loved each other. What kind of example is that? You are not leaving your kids. You can still be an involved and active father. They won’t miss a beat.
Maybe time apart will give you two the opportunity to learn the lessons you need to learn in order to appreciate one another again. Or it may give you the space you need to become your best self, and as a result an even better father.
If you take that path, it will be excruciating, but the light at the end of that tunnel is brighter than anything you have ever seen, if you allow yourself to reach it. We’ve been apart for 3 years. Truthfully I became significantly better for it. Now, unexpectedly, we might start working on getting back together. Idk.
Well, it happened 18 years ago for me.
It was a relationship doomed to fail, I was on a blind date, went to an afterparty, got too drunk, my date left saying she had fun but wasn’t interested, hooked up with a different girl at the party, woke up at her place and had some morning fun before supposedly parting ways forever. We both knew it was meant to be a 1 nighter.
2 months later she appeared at the base I was stationed at, been trying to find me for a month to tell me she was pregnant. After some back and forth, some immature 18yr old ways of thinking and recognizing how crazy it was, we decided to keep the baby.
She was cute, she thought I was cute, so we decided to get together for real and be a couple having a kid.
Fast forward to three weeks before my son turned 2, we despised each other, completely different personality types and values. One day she read a message from my female coworker, flipped out because she thought it was flirtatious, after a(nother loooong) fight and sleeping on the couch, we woke up and sat in the couch and I told her I couldn’t do this anymore, I was miserable, and our kid would probably benefit more from having two happy parents separated than 2 miserable parents who hated every second together.
How I dealt with the guilt of leaving? I didn’t feel guilty. Don’t get me wrong, I live my life for my kids, I adore every second I spend with them, but I also have to live my life too. My son didn’t need me to sacrifice my whole life for him, he just needed me to be there.
And I was. We had split custody, and he spent every other week at my place. I’m originally from the other side of the country and had absolutely no friends or family nearby, but THAT I could sacrifice to be near him. I knew it’d work out, and it did eventually. Even got the perfect ending; I had a wife and 2 other kids, and we all wanted to move to where I was from, but since the day I met my wife I told her I was staying on this city until my son was 18 and an “adult”, then I’d happily move back to my hometown.
Well turns out my son inherited some of my values, because when he finished school and was applying for vocational school, he wanted to apply where I was from and move there, partly because he loves it there, and partly to get away from his mom and stay with me full time. So we got to move 2 years earlier than planned.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with his mom, she loves him just as much as me and tried her best, she’s just enormously self-centered, and views everything through a “how do I benefit or how does that affect me personally” lense. Every vacation she went on she left our kid with me, every vacation I went on I brought him, and if I couldn’t, I didn’t go. When my father-in-law sent a box of Christmas gifts for my wife, me and our daughter, I sent it back with a note that said “you give gifts to both kids, or you don’t give gifts at all”. And even though I never told him, he noticed and in his own way gave just as much love back.
Some things was hard, I cried every Sunday I dropped him off at his mother’s and I’d call him several times in her week. When he got a dog at his mom’s, he asked me if he could be at his mom’s an extra week and all I could say was “of course buddy, send me some pictures of you playing with the dog” but on the inside my heart was shattered. I know that was just selfish jealousy, and I knew then too, which is why I encouraged him to enjoy his new dog.
But that’s life, in the end I’m happy, he’s happy, who knows what my ex is, she’s visited him a whole 2 times in 4 years now and both were a couple of hours before going somewhere with her new boyfriend and I genuinely don’t care haha. His 18th birthday was a celebration for me too, because all co-parents stuff was ending and I didn’t have to have anything more to do with her until potential weddings and grandkids, but that’s at least less often than basically monthly phone calls.
He’ll be 20 in 6 months, and any guilt or thinking about all that has been gone so long I couldn’t even tell you. It was absolutely worth it
It really depends on the situation. I would say if its bearable and theres not a lot of hate flung around then stay.
Why leave your kids?
Take your kids. Keep the house.
Where is this stupid concept that the guy is the one who has to leave?
I refused to leave the kids. I have built my career remotely and have been very active in their lives. Been on the PTA and in Booster clubs since the beginning. I stayed until they were old enough (12) to chose the parent they wanted to live with and of course they chose me.
Leaving a dead marriage does not in any way equal leaving your kids. Unless your plan is to actually not be present in their lives.
It’s better for the kids to have two healthy parents who aren’t together than two parents who hate each other. The kids know.
You’re not leaving your kids. You’re leaving your partner.
I didn’t leave my kids, I just only see them half as much.
When I’m not with them I do the boring chore stuff like laundry and cleaning. When I’m with them they have more of my focus. I spend less time with them, but the time I have is of better quality.
With regard to guilt, I did not want them seeing my relationship with their mom as a blue print for their future relationships. If my son’s were ever in that situation I would want them to leave too. Now they see me in a happy relationship which is what I want them to think is normal.
Ask my dad, he didn’t seem to care.
I didn’t because I am not a douche who would leave my kids.
I divorced me ex when our kid was 5. I held out for as long as I could but at that point I was looking for literally ANY way out or I wasn’t going to make it.
I did feel guilty but I didn’t think it was right for my kid to grow up in the house we were making. It was tough
It’s been 20 years and the kid turned out fine.
I see a lot of people talking about why they’re staying for the kids or the damage divorce does except no one will actually realize that your children spend almost all of their time with you and your wife and are learning what a marriage looks like from you. If you and your partner are in a totally loveless relationship and/or you both hate each other what sort of picture is that painting for your kids? Because even if they find a partner they truly love odds are they’re going to emulate at least some of your behavior with that person. And this is stuff that imbeds itself on their psyche; not something they can unlearn when they move out.