I’m not really sure how to start this, but I just need to let some things out. I’ve been in a relationship for almost 10 years. We have two kids together. Things have been rocky for a long time, but lately, it’s felt like I’m constantly walking on eggshells.
We argue a lot. I get yelled at, called names, and made to feel small. I try to fix things — over and over again — but it’s exhausting. I’m tired of being the one always trying to hold things together. I’m tired of sacrificing my peace just to avoid another fight. There’s this tension I carry around like a weight on my chest, just waiting for the next blow-up.
I recently told her how I truly felt — that I’ve been unsure about us because of everything we’ve been going through. I didn’t say it to hurt her. I just needed to be honest. She didn’t take it well. She called me childish and gross, and now she’s distant. I understand she’s hurt. But I’m hurting too, and I feel like my voice doesn’t matter.
She tells her family about our problems, and I’ve realized that makes me feel disrespected and exposed. I don’t even think she sees how that impacts me.
Now I don’t know what happens next. I’ve thought about getting my own place just to create some space and clarity. But we have kids, and I want us to be able to co-parent in a healthy way, even if we do separate.
I feel stuck between staying in something that’s slowly draining me… and breaking up a family. I don’t want to just survive through this. I want to feel peace again. I want to be a good father and a whole person.
If anyone’s been through something similar — especially with kids involved — how did you handle it? How do you give yourself space without making everything worse?
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TL;DR:
In a long-term relationship with kids, constantly arguing and feeling drained. I opened up about feeling unsure, and it made things worse. Considering getting my own place, but afraid of breaking up the family. Just want peace, to be a good dad, and figure out what to do nex
Comments
It has to get worse before it gets better. . You’re not going to go from bad to good you’re going to go from bad to worse and then good. Let the separation happen, you’re not gonna be the first person to get separated and you’re not going to be the last separated. People usually enjoy the peace of mind and the time they get back to themselves to just live.
It sounds like you should set up an appointment with a couples counselor and ask her to go with you. Tell her that you’re trying your best to be a good husband and father but you feel sad and stuck and would like to get unstuck, and would she be willing to work with you on that? If she won’t go to the appointment, you should go by yourself.
What you’re describing is an emotionally abusive relationship.
If one of your kids was in a relationship with someone who yelled at them, called them names and made them feel small, what would you want for them?
I’d recommend reading “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft – while the book is obviously focused on men as the perpetrators of abuse, the author directly addresses that in the book, saying that the information does apply to all perpetrators.
You deserve peace and kindness. Your kids deserve to see you happy, not being diminished by someone who’s supposed to love you.