The other day I was taking care of our infant son in the living room while my husband took a nap. I needed to change the babies diaper and the diaper stuff was in the room. I walked in and my husband quickly put his phone away. I said “that’s suspicious.” I saw through the mirror it was porn. When I asked him what he was watching he smiled and took his phone out and I saw through the mirror he change it back to a social media site. I told him I saw through the mirror what he did and he admitted to watching it but it was only for a minute. I was incredibly upset.
We’ve discussed porn before. He saying he was against it and used to watch it too much. My take is it’s fine if we have a health intimate life and he’s honest about watching it. He assured me he hadn’t watched porn the whole time We’ve been together. I wasn’t born yesterday but gave him the benefit of the doubt anyway lol.
The thing is we’ve only had two intimate moments in a year both times he initiated. If i initiate, I get turned down. Since I’ve given birth he hardly looks at me, hardly initiates us time, we don’t cuddle. Lately he’s started making fun of my intelligence. He does initiate hugs and kisses daily and says im beautiful regularly. But somehow it all feels like an act now.
When I got mad he said I was making a big deal out of nothing it was just tits. His argument is he wasn’t touching himself. He doesn’t understand it’s the lie. It’s the complete disregard for my feelings. Especially considering my body has changed so much due to pregnancy and I’ve been open about being self-conscious and he won’t look at me if I’m naked. He tried coming into the guest room to talk to me but never once said sorry and kept insisting it wasn’t a big deal. Not only that a couple days prior he admitted he doesn’t trust me and thinks I lie about things. I don’t lie. Before this I trusted him fully but now I feel like a fool. We haven’t really talked in 24 hours. He won’t look at me. Just passes by me on his way to the kitchen and such.
I’m gutted. I’ve put so much into this relationship. I’ve dealt with cheaters and liars in past relationships and thought this one might he different. But no. He tried to gaslight me and turn it around on me. He even denied the series of events of what happened. I’ve been thinking maybe we need to part ways but it’s so hard with a baby. Out of anger I told him I’m done investing in this relationship and I think I might mean it. Other than this we do make a good team and he’s a great Dad. I’ve been trying hard all day not to lose my mind. I don’t know what to do. He couldn’t even muster up a sorry. I feel like maybe I am making a big deal out of things. Am I?
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For some reason, porn feels like a taboo for men, maybe because we get jealous and feel offended right away. I wouldn’t probably give it too much thought. You start working out, work on your appearance so you feel pretty and your old self. Work on you and let him beg you for a sexy night.
From what you’ve said this isn’t really about porn, you and your partner have lost trust. I’m not sure how old your baby is but I would avoid making big life decisions like separation so soon after having a baby. Babies are the biggest stress you can put on a relationship, I would suggest trying couples therapy before ending it.
No, you are not making a big deal out of nothing…..?? He tried to gaslight you and turn the situation around..shifting the blame onto you like ew…Girl seriously run!
No, not making a big deal about his dishonesty and then gaslighting you. His behavior screams that he has a porn addiction (I’m married to a porn addict). They use porn to cope with stress, negative feelings, and just life struggles. It’s like a pacifier and doesn’t actually have anything to do with sex, just the dopamine hit they get. There is not a more stressful time than with a young baby. My heart hurts for you because I’ve been there and rather than a husband who is celebrating your body that just carried and birthed a baby he is contributing to your insecurity around it. I’d give you a hug if I could, because those feeling are crushing. This is such a vulnerable time and such a hard time anyways.
You are not making a big deal about it. This is not healthy. The lying and hiding on their side generally is because of shame, but does not excuse it. Especially even when you’ve given him the “ok” and he’s still lying. I’m sorry friend.
You’re not overreacting. His lying, lack of intimacy, and refusal to acknowledge your feelings are serious issues. Couples counseling could help, but only if he’s willing to change.
Depends on who you ask to. If you go to /r/pornfree and /r/nofap you get to the conclusion that you aren’t
This isn’t a porn problem, it’s a trust and honesty problem. He’s proven that you cannot trust him. Believe what he has shown you.
Lesley outlived for him what you need for him to be able to make this up to you, and hold him to it. HE needs to put in the work to build back the trust he has broken. And only you get to decide when it’s been enough.
Ngl the whole insulting your intelligence + no longer trying to initiate intimacy sounds like that resentful bs immature men do when they feel guilty and aren’t trying to take responsibility for their emotions or actions. I’m never going to recommend trying to work through dishonesty and manipulation because once you stay, you’re telling them it’s not a deal breaker to treat you like that and no matter what, they’re never going to forget that regardless of how bad they were, you took them back. More often than not it WILL happen again in some form or another.
Why do people feel the need to control each other in relationship? Your husband is somebody who likes watching porn you are somebody who doesn’t like when your partner watches porn it’s not fair for either of you to control each other. Personally I don’t care if my partner watches porn as long as it doesn’t affect our intimacymeaning he jerks off so much or can’t get hard for me or can only masturbate. Maybe it’s because I have autism, but I genuinely cannot understand how people feel justified to control one another in this way in relationships.
WTF? What he looks at in his private time is HIS BUSINESS. Look at this reaction, and TELL ME why he is forced to hide things that he enjoys. This is TOXIC AF.