TL;DR;:
After my ex and I broke up, I messed around with another girl—more than kissing, but not sex. My ex only knows about the kissing. We’ve reconnected, and she still has feelings but struggles with trust. Should I tell her the full truth now or wait? And was it wrong of me?
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for advice on how (and when) to have a very difficult but important conversation with my ex, someone I still care deeply about and hope to rebuild something with.
We (M18, F18) broke up a while ago, right after finishing high school. The main reasons were that we were heading in different directions in life, and I couldn’t give her the certainty she needed. I have some commitment issues that were really getting in the way, and she ended up ending things.
Some time later, she sent me a letter saying she was open to trying again. We talked a lot after that, and I came to the conclusion that I still wasn’t ready for a relationship. That hurt her a lot, and I didn’t fully realize how much at the time.
After that, and to my regret, I tried to deal with the pain by dating someone else. My ex knows I kissed that girl a few times and once saw me walk her home, which she said hurt her more than if I’d actually slept with the girl. She never asked what exactly happened, and I never brought it up. The truth is: we didn’t have sex, but we did do more than just kiss.
Some time ago, I started going to therapy because I realized I was just running away from my real feelings and problems. I’ve learned a lot about what I did wrong, both during and after the relationship. Eventually, I reached out to my ex again, even though I was scared to.
We’ve spoken a few times now. She told me she still loves me and really likes me, but that everything is complicated. She understands that we’re young and that I might have needed to experiment. She even said it makes sense from my perspective. But she’s struggling with the fact that she didn’t “experiment” herself and that trusting me again might be difficult. She’s not sure if she should try dating me again.
Here’s where I need advice:
She doesn’t know that I did more with that other girl than just kiss. I didn’t lie, but I also didn’t offer the full truth. Now that she’s considering trying things with me again, I feel like I have to tell her, but I’m scared it will completely destroy any remaining trust or chance.
How do I tell her this? Should I wait until we’re further into talking about a possible relationship, or do I tell her before it gets any further? How can I explain it in a way that’s honest but also shows the growth I’ve gone through since? And final question: was it morally wrong of me to do the things I did with the other girl? I feel really awful about it.
Any advice is appreciated.