Me and my girlfriend of six months, met at college, we grew very deep with each other due to us being rather emotionally competent people. She has ASD and OCD so there is a good few communication issues that led to us, for two months, having huge issues and being hurt etc. but we are working through/have mostly worked through it now
She is horribly traumatized from her generational trauma family, personal trauma, and her previous four boyfriend traumas so she is rather troubled with issues.
But. I have given tons of mental support, grown very acquainted with her deepest traumas, helped her work through those, helped her navigate her being ASD, helped her through OCD episodes, made myself a resource is navigating life. I thought, it was a good time we get physically close. We are both virgins (Me, M:22, her F:21) and wanted to pursue some sexual play/intimacy.
It seemed appropriately timed/we were developed enough and, as a guy, you are battling those desires a lot. At least I do. It is honest to God hell so I really wanted to pursue an outlet. We did some small stuff, I masturbated her, nothing too crazy, just slow, controlled, masturbating her. I am still fully clothed. She was also wearing a shirt and bra (never seen her breast, funny enough). Just something intimate for connection sake, no lust.
Found out, she was forcing herself to be ok with it. She eventually stopped all pursuit of physical closeness, found out why, she has a deep religious trauma/OCD around it. Pertaining to sex before marriage and avoiding sin/breaking the rules at all cost
I keep trying to rationalize with her, religiously as a Christian myself, but she can not understand that well… if we never do ANY sexual conduct until marriage which, just off my own agenda would be 7+ years off… there is no way. I still have much schooling and career to establish before I get married but not only do I really want the closeness of physical intimacy, I crave it as a fucked up male, and I really thought what we were doing was ok?
I fear… I can not have this relationship without it which sucks… I also have a non-sexual fetish. Feederism but she also does not want to indulge it anyway so… I mean… I am giving a lot of mental energy and health towards her mental stuff but I am not getting any physical stuff… and I think I need to break up for it but I really like her so…
**TL;DR;** : Sex before marriage bad, marriage is way far off, and I really think I need physical intimacy or fetish indulged to feel satisfied while I give emotional support, I need physical support