I (F22) got attached to a guy (M25) for 9 months and I liked him but he didn’t share the same feelings for me. He wanted everything in a relationship but didn’t want to take any responsibility and accountability. I don’t know why or how I got attached to him actually but that’s besides the point. The first time we were physically intimate was after I had some alcohol (beer 1 standard) for which I actually requested when we saw each other because I had never drank prior to that and knew he drank and wanted to try it. I was thin at 85 pounds at that time so a single standard made me wobbly on my feet. We were under a bridge and I simply wanted to lay on his chest and after a bit he took off his shirt which I didn’t really care about. But it was when he lifted me up and adjusted me when he sort of came in to kiss me which I reciprocated but wasn’t really into it. Because of my sheer vulnerability of never being with a guy, not being able to say no, and also I think intoxicated state I went along with him. It got into full foreplay. After I held his hand impulsively when we left. But a few days passed and I got a really uneasy feeling. I had told him prior that I had never even held hands with a guy let alone anything rose and that I was timid. In other words he knew of my sheer vulnerability. I know he can’t read my mind but I thought that with his prior experience that he would have had the sensibility to have made me feel more comfortable and check in on me a lot because going from not even holding hands to fingering is a lot. And also stopped it all (due to intoxication) and reassured me that he wasn’t disappointed in it stopping. I feel as I am to blame but still feel uneasy about the whole thing.
Another thing that happened with him was when I was at his apartment and was not dressed. He had a Polaroid camera and was joking about taking photos of me. I jokingly ran away from him and said no jokingly (I really didn’t want him to do it). He took one. At other times he jokingly would take pictures of me on his phone and then deleted them to “reassure” me they were gone. Those times I just didn’t say anything period – again my mistake but I didn’t say yes either. I have a big thing with photos and stuff – huge no no for me. For which I told him. He also pressured me once to send something to him via Snapchat which I gave in once.
Those two things. Usually I expressed my uneasiness with body language more than anything. He was rough during sex and often told me that I wanted it too which neither I liked. I would imply to him via messaging that I didn’t like his roughness such as saying that I liked to be caressed and avoiding harsh words and language when we’d sext (just messaging). Anyway, I just wanted to get some opinions because I feel entirely at fault for all of it. I honestly have been really sort of messed up because of him. For anyone who answers I honestly can’t thank you enough.
tl;dr
I was intoxicated when I had my first intimate moment and the guy knew my sheer vulnerability but didn’t attempt to do anything about it or comfort/reassure me. Also he took un consensual photos of me but I didn’t clearly say no (jokingly said no while running away trying to hide body) am I being dramatic if I said I’m uneasy about it all?