(Apologies if these seems jumped and not making sense, I’m so frustrated that my words don’t seem cohesive to me)
So to start, my best friend and I (both 27F) have known each other since we were in 5th grade. I love her to death and I want nothing but the best for her. Which is why this frustrates me to no end.
She has been on and off with her ex boyfriend (I think same age) for like 9 years I think? Something around there. The relationship was never great from the start. She cheated on him multiple times at the beginning and wasn’t great to him. They would break up and then get back together after a few days or weeks and just repeat the cycle. When she is with him, she lives a miserable life. She lived with him in a house that had easily 20 animals, one or two young children, 4-5 adults, and all of them would smoke cigarettes in the house. The ex himself starting smoking at EIGHT YEARS OLD. And they would just stay there all the time watching tv in bed with no lights on and smoking constantly. I never saw her. He would always get upset if she wanted to go out and do things.
It was a horrible time for her and she was miserable. Each time they’d split I would see some spark come back in her, I’d hear from her more, but then she’d go back to him, and we’d stop talking. Some of the times were me just bailing because she would come to me about every problem they have, ask advice, then go back, and it got so tiring.
Anyways, they’ve still been on and off even thru this year. And I try to be supportive as long as they both show improvement in behaviors. But they don’t. One of the times they split, she had a one night stand and got pregnant with triplets, but unfortunately she lost all three of them pretty early on. We think that three was just too much for her body to handle. So then she gets back with him multiple times, and she got pregnant three more times. She lost two of them super early again, then the last one she was about 10 weeks along I believe when she found out (I was with her at the hospital for that one). But those three were all his and each time, they’d break up and he would say some sort of horrible thing to her about the babies. And each time they’d split, he’d go be with this one girl he always told my friend not to worry about. The last pregnancy, he was with the other girl, and he let her say to my friend “I’ll be such a great mom to your baby” in a really mocking, condescending, and rude way. I think it was shortly after that she lost the baby. And it is just a constant cycle of this shit.
She puts all of the blame on herself. When you say anything negative about him it’s always “yeah but I wasn’t good to him either I just didn’t tell you any of that” and it further shows why they SHOULD NOT BE TOGETHER. If he is horrible to you and you are horrible to him, why would you go back to him just to continue to hurt him? And continue to let yourself be hurt? Why would you want to be with someone who would let others be cruel to you and be cruel to you himself during one of the most sensitive and vulnerable moments of your life?
Basically, I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t know how to get it through to her anymore that this is not what she needs. I’ve told her to stay single, stop talking to guys and going on dating apps, just focus on herself. But she just can’t. And then when she feels like her life is going downhill, she remembers the last time it went downhill and who it happened with and she finds comfort in being with that person, even if it is absolutely the worst situation she could be in.
I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if there is anything else to say. On here or to her.
If it was your closest friend going through this, what would you do? What would you say?
TL;DR – Best friend keeps wanting to go back to a 9 year toxic on/off relationship where she cheated and treated him like trash and he treated her like trash to the point of making cruel comments to her and letting his on/off side piece make cruel comments to her during multiple miscarriages. Asks for advice but doesn’t listen to it. Don’t know what to do or say anymore.
Comments
It sounds like she’s trauma bonded to him. It’ll require some therapy to heal from a relationship like that.
Gently suggest therapy, there is alot going on there, way above your pay grade as a friend. I salute you for being a good friend and just remember if you press her too much it might destroy your friendship
You can’t save her from herself. Set boundaries and tell her you love her but won’t support this cycle anymore. Be there when she’s ready to leave for good, but stop exhausting yourself over choices she won’t change.
Been there, done that. Multiple times. I can’t tell you the number of friends I’ve had these conversations with. And my sister.
Unfortunately, she’s not going to listen to you. At least not out right and not right now. This is a mistake she’s going to make a while longer and it doesn’t matter what you say or do. She’s like an addict – she’s knows he’s bad for her, but she can’t see life without him. She won’t stop until SHE is ready to stop. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. All those cliches became cliches for a reason. It sucks. It will hurt like hell to watch. But there isn’t a lot you can do to dissuade her.
That said, you have to make your own choices about this situation. The main question being – can you stand to watch her go through this? And be honest with yourself, because either yes or no is an acceptable answer. She’s not being fair to you by completely disregarding your input and advice, regardless of her reasons behind it. It’s painful to watch a friend put themselves through this. You are not obligated to watch her reduce herself with bad decisions.
However, if you want to stick by her, then just let her know you’ll be there for her. But refuse to talk about HIM. Only talk about her and other things in your lives. If she brings him up, ask her how she is feeling in general or change the subject altogether. Keep bringing up therapy. Consider therapy for yourself, if you’re not already going. If she pulls away, just send the occasional ‘hey, I miss you. Hope you’re good” text to remind her that you’re there. Then, when she’s finally ready to move on from this phase, she’ll know she has you to come to.
It will be a tough road for your friendship but you can pull through whichever choice you make.
I’ve been in your shoes. Pushing the issue just pushed her away, too. In the end I just drew a boundary that I didn’t want to talk about him – it was the only way I could manage and still keep her in my life without making us both miserable. You can lead a horse to water, etc etc
To be transparent, he died a couple years later so I dont know how it would’ve played out long term.