Hi guys, I (23m) currently live with my parents but I am putting up my part in rent. I live with both mom and pops. I have my own car which they helped me pull out but I’ve paid them back already and take full financial responsibility for the vehicle (car note, insurance, maintenance the whole thing). Recently they’ve been asking to spot a couple hundred here and there which I have no problem with. It wasn’t until I started noticing the pattern that they’ll ask for money bc they’re behind on a bill (wouldn’t understand why if I’m helping), then a couple days later they’re posting on social media going out to an expensive. I never paid attention to it until my gf pointed it out to me. Whenever their car has a problem they always ask to use mine (I work more than 50 miles away from home but they work 5 miles max from home) but I never tell them no, that is until today. I was told how I should be grateful that I haven’t been kicked out and that I need to help them out because they never told me no growing up. That I shouldn’t even think twice of helping them out bc when I need it they never told me no. I started working at 18 and I’m currently starting my career path. Not once did I ever ask them for a dime once I started working. I just don’t understand the whole “do it bc I’m ur parent” mentality that many have towards their kids. I just wanna know if maybe I’m just tripping and maybe I’m looking at it wrong, but tbh this has gone far too long and I honestly feel like I’m being taken advantage of just because I have my priorities straight.
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Hi guys, I (23m) currently live with my parents but I am putting up my part in rent. I live with both mom and pops. I have my own car which they helped me pull out but I’ve paid them back already and take full financial responsibility for the vehicle (car note, insurance, maintenance the whole thing). Recently they’ve been asking to spot a couple hundred here and there which I have no problem with. It wasn’t until I started noticing the pattern that they’ll ask for money bc they’re behind on a bill (wouldn’t understand why if I’m helping), then a couple days later they’re posting on social media going out to an expensive. I never paid attention to it until my gf pointed it out to me. Whenever their car has a problem they always ask to use mine (I work more than 50 miles away from home but they work 5 miles max from home) but I never tell them no, that is until today. I was told how I should be grateful that I haven’t been kicked out and that I need to help them out because they never told me no growing up. That I shouldn’t even think twice of helping them out bc when I need it they never told me no. I started working at 18 and I’m currently starting my career path. Not once did I ever ask them for a dime once I started working. I just don’t understand the whole “do it bc I’m ur parent” mentality that many have towards their kids. I just wanna know if maybe I’m just tripping and maybe I’m looking at it wrong, but tbh this has gone far too long and I honestly feel like I’m being taken advantage of just because I have my priorities straight.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) saying no to my parents for constantly asking for money or using my car (2) saying no to my parents bc they’re asking for help
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
They’re asking for bill money then posting expensive dinners on social media? That’s some premium audacity right there.
NTA
It’s not a flex to say you never said no to your child when they were growing up
NTA, likely. If you are paying adequate rent and board (food) then that should be enough with the exception of some unforeseen expense that you all need to fairly share. It is definitely not your responsibility to “pay back” your parents for raising you as this is what parents are charged to do.
I’d suggest you work at moving out so you can be independent and not be expected to fund extras. You are a young adult, and as such do have a responsibility to share in some of the expenses, but you should not be required to be responsible for anything more than a fair amount.
I was in the same situation as you when I was 23. I was living at home and my father was constantly asking me for money even though he made over 4x as much as me. He would also try to guilt me into giving him more money because “I’m family” and it became a awful pattern, and it wasn’t until later that I realized that I was being taken advantage of financially, much like I think you are. The way that I was able to fix this issue was to move out into a place of my own and cut all ties financially from my father. I refused to give him any money and would refuse to take any money from him too. I am 26 now and he has since stopped asking for money, and things have gotten better between us.
I don’t know your situation, but I would say moving out ( as soon/safely as you’re able ) is your best bet, things can get messy when living with family, as much as you may love them. It can be very difficult to move out on your own but it is possible.
And maybe try voicing your concerns clearly with them, and the toll this is taking on you. But if they will not listen or compromise with you after that, you might have to hold your ground and refuse to lend them your car/lend them any more money. And also you have all the rights to do what you want and when with your own money. I know I felt such immense guilt and shame after having to refuse to help my father after all the money I gave him, but in the end it was for the best. You have to look out for you first before you can help those around you.
NTA, but this is not an argument you’re ever going to win with your parents, so I’d suggest not wasting your breath trying.
You sound like a mature, sensible young man. Certainly, you’re a better money manager than your parents are.
Use your good sense to work on a plan for moving out of there as soon as you can.
NTA. The rent that you’re paying is not enough to pay for their newly enhanced lifestyle. As a result, they’re asking you to, de facto, pay more rent – which is how I look at their constant requests for money from you. Not surprisingly, you’re feeling used and abused.
Do the accounting on (a) what it would cost for you to move out versus (b) what you’re paying in rent plus un-refunded loans. It’s time either to renegotiate your rent upwards so that you’re not feeling used or, if it’s cheaper to do so, it may be time to move out on your own.
NTA. You need to figure out moving out on your own. Try to find a roommate closer to your job. Gather your important papers now. Go to a bank (a completely separate bank, not just a different branch of the same bank, from your parents), start a new account that you are sure they can’t access. Rent a safe deposit box to store your papers. Make sure they aren’t planning to claim you as a dependent on their tax returns. Basically, you need to separate yourself from them.
NTA. They are not entitled to your money. They did their job as parents and provided for you.
Stick to your boundaries and don’t get bullied into funding their extras.
Just say no, I can’t. Don’t offer up any reasons or justify it. It is really hard to stay steady, but by not engaging, it cuts the argument shorter and they will get frustrated nit being able to get a rise out of you.
Agree NTA. They know you are working towards independence and they do not want that. So by increasing your home expenses ie., tapping you dry, you will never get enough to move out. Their move is to abuse you financially using guilt, control of your vehicle and by doing so access to your job impeding your ability to save enough to move out and live on your own they are intent on making you struggle. If nothing else, move everything you can into storage, or ask your GF if she can hold onto the important stuff and couch surf if able.