Today I (19F) overheard my dad and my sister (20F) speaking outside of my room. They were just talking about normal stuff until she brought up how he makes my mom grab him food really late at night, like around 11 or 12. After she said this he snapped back using the excuse he always uses, suggesting that she go see what the Bible says about obedience.
Every time he says this, I feel like it is completely ridiculous. My mom always seems burnt out and tired, and I feel like she is really being overworked and my dad is not being helpful at all with easing these issues. There are so many instances of him refusing to do little things for himself, such as getting up and filling up his own cup with water or throwing his plate away after eating, when both of these things are only a few steps away. He just waits for my mom to do it and leaves garbage lying around. My mom is also always having to go out to get him something, mostly food almost every day of the week. I’ve only seen him get this own food once this whole summer unless he gets it delivered while my mom is at work (He has not had a job for a year but is looking for one?). There’s several times where she’s going out twice a day to get him food, and sometimes he even has her go to two separate places for one meal. He even makes her get it late at night which can potentially be very unsafe for a woman, and even if she has work early in the morning the next day. He’d even wake her up out of the sleep she barely gets just so she can do something for him that he is perfectly capable of. He has his own car and legs but I feel like he only thinks about himself most times and never cares to do things for himself or be concerned about my mom’s safety for once. Even on their anniversary he had her go out and get their food from a restaurant, but these are just some examples. It all just doesn’t sit right with me because their relationship seems to be 90/10 when it should be at least somewhere around 50/50, and anytime me or my sister slightly mention it he seems to use the Bible as an excuse.
This made me read up about what the Bible really says about this, so i searched up the Bible’s perspectives on submission and it said “Husbands should love their wives sacrificially, which involves putting the wife’s needs and desires above his own”. I searched up what the Bible says about laziness and it said that it is strongly condemned especially in husbands. Lastly i searched what the Bible says about using it to justify bad behavior and i read that it promotes accountability. My Dad never takes accountability or improves in this area when it mentioned because he probably thinks we’re all just a bunch of complaining women. I’m not saying that husbands should do all the work or anything like that, but they definitely shouldn’t be treating anyone like this. Also, my Dad’s Dad is a pastor, so I’m really confused on why what I’m reading is conflicting with his actions.
Anyways, my Dad is a good father and I have no intention of offending him or anything, but I’m tired of him using the Bible as an excuse to justify how he’s treating my Mom. Just because you have someone who is willing to help you out doesn’t mean you should overwork them and not even offer to do anything yourself even once. He just sits around the house all day. He is always sending me articles so I thought I could send him the articles of what I read. I really have no plans of talking to him about it in person because he is difficult to talk to and refuses to hear anyone out, and also it isn’t my relationship so I think that would be overdoing it. I also don’t want my parents to divorce or anything, my mom never complains because she is strong and I just wish my Dad would make things easier on her. This isn’t only about food, she’s always overwhelmed with all the work she has to do and never has time for herself or selfcare. It’s like she puts everyone before herself and she is the kindest person ever, it is clear that she needs and deserves a break.
So basically WIBTA for sending my Dad these articles? Or should I mind my business? Or tell me anything else i can do. I don’t expect showing him these things to cause a change, he might not even read it all because It seems like he hates being proven wrong, but I really do not condone him using the Bible as an excuse. I’d rather him just come out and say he’s lazy and doesn’t want to do anything for himself because that’s what it looks like.
Comments
You can send those articles but he’s just going to recite the “spare the rod and spoil the child” proverb and start beating you. You can’t argue or reason with people who misuse the Bible in that way.
Now, you can sit down with your mother and tell her that you don’t like it when he mistreats you that way.
NTA . I hate it when ppl try to use the Bible to justify their abuse when it turns out they’re completely wrong. Please. Please do this. Your dad is giving the wrong message. He’s probably also one of those ppl who claims they’re a Christian and the does absolutely everything completely opposite of what it says in the Bible.
NTA if you did, but knowing the type of thinking he’s adopted, it’s likely it won’t do much but make him mad. He cherry picks lines that tell him that men are superior and shouldn’t be questioned by their children, women, and any younger people. Your dad doesn’t actually care about the Bible, he just cares about it as an excuse to abuse your mom.
I definitely don’t think you’re wrong for pointing this out, im a Christian woman and I don’t agree with, submitting to your husband thing, I understand if they’re a good husband that takes care of the family, but if they don’t do anything and just expect to be taken care of or is abusing it. This isn’t new for people who claim their Christian and use the Bible for their benefit…
NTA. He’s not actually interested in what the bible says, he’s just using it as a shield for his laziness. It’s an excuse, not a genuine belief. I doubt he’ll even read the articles you send.
By mistreating your mom, your dad is a bad father. He’s abusing your mother.
You may not realize this, but his behavior is very abusive. I wish your mother could see that and get appropriate help.
Don’t do it. Just do what you can to get good skills or enough education to land a good job and get a place with a room for mom when you can. She is supporting a man who isn’t carrying his weight, and she will need an exit at some poin. Do what you can to help her have options. And keep telling her she deserves to be treated well and how grateful you are for all she does.
I know you don’t want your parents to divorce, but do you really want to have your mother being abused on a daily basis?
And how on earth can you say your dad is a good father? Abusing his wife and children and refusing to work (I say refusing, because there are jobs if he’s willing to work), thus not providing a nurturing home environment, is NOT a good father, or even a good person in general.
Your dad is abusing your mother and your main concern here is him hiding behind a bible to do it? I get that you’re young, but that is completely the wrong problem to focus on here. If you want to be helpful start sending your mom articles on recognizing abuse and resources for assistance.
Won’t change anything, even knowing the submission passage has a verse right before it that tells husbands and wives to submit to each other. Perhaps show it to your mom. Maybe you can support her in letting him throw a man baby tantrum when she doesn’t do what he wants.
Cool rage bait post .. you should read what the Bible says about lying before you karma farm bullshit
NTA, I don’t think it will make a difference. You might have much more luck discussing this with your grandfather, if he is still alive. If he is alive, he may have a talk with your dad about what the Bible says about being a good husband.
NTA but it will just enrage him.
‘I also don’t want my parents to divorce or anything’
I do. I want your mother to kick him out and start to live a life where she is respected and valued, instead of being treated like a slave.
Your father is abusive. The fact that you don’t want to talk to him about it tells me he’s abusive to you as well as to your mother.
Talk to your mother about whether she wants to be free of his abuse. Encourage her to reach deep into her feelings about him. Show her the articles, to prove to her that he is wrong Biblically to treat her in this way. If she wants to leave, or get him to leave, support her. And really consider your assumptions about relationships. The fact that your mother is strong is NOT an excuse for your father’s abuse.
Your dad is already the AH. Won’t hurt if you make him realize it. But like most people with the bible, he can turn it into anything he wants.
Ah, a cherry picking Christian Bible thumper…who’s unemployed and abusive. Sorry, OP, I know he’s your dad, but you are not going to debate him into being a better partner for your mum. If you can’t change him, can you help her? You don’t have to be another handmaiden to a selfish man, but you can be there to support her, let he know that you see what’s going on and will help her escape/get therapy/support her any way you can. Until she stops catering to him he will continue to abuse her.
The Bible is nothing but a way to control the masses, especially women. The Bible was written by men and not by a god. And it’s why your dad and a lot of men are assholes. .
You’re NTA although it won’t change or your mom. She’ll continue to be his slave since she won’t stand up to his laziness and treating her like a servant.
NTA. However, your father isn’t a good dad if he is treating your mother like that. Does she stick up for herself at all? This is absolutely verbal and mental abuse. It’s not okay. He has daughters so ask him how he would feel if his daughters’ were being treated that way by their spouses? He probably won’t listen but it can’t hurt.
NTA but I wouldn’t suggest it because he wouldn’t care.
However I think its adorable that you believe hes a good father when this is the example hes showing his children for what a grown man should act like. He’s neither a good husband or father based on the contents of this post. But please dont confront him until you have a way out or he could make your life, and your mom and sister’s lives, absolutely miserable.
Part of being a good dad is treating your mother with respect. By what you say, he is not treating her lovingly. Nothing in the Bible justifies his behavior. Too many Christian men use it as an excuse to abuse their wives and children.
I think you should show those articles to your mother.
If you require a book based on an imaginary man in the sky to keep you in line as a good person … You’re a shit person.
NTA, but it sounds like you need an exit plan if you do.
Move in the shadows. Send or post letters to the from door addressed to him with those verses on days hes particularly lazy. Make sure you arent caught on camera or something first. Just print them out from the library or such place so your handwriting cant be traced back.
1 Timothy 5:8
Send that shit!! To both your mom and dad. Maybe tell him “you’re not being very Christian-like” and tell him to read the articles u sent, then just walk away.
Is he a good father if he is modeling this relationship for his daughters? Does a good father want his children to grow to be neglected, abused women who live to serve someone who doesn’t appreciate them? Does a food father normalize this behavior, this treatment of your partner? Is this really the mark of a ‘good father”?
He is misusing what it says. No the fact he treats your mother like that takes away he is a good father. He isn’t. If your mom is not going to stand up for herself and refuse I don’t know what to tell you. He will not believe a word you say. Also tell him many will say in that day Lord I did this and that. He will say depart from me I never knew you. The Bible doesn’t say anywhere it is ok to abuse your spouse. That is exactly what he is doing. Abuse is many different forms.
oooooh, I feel you on this one! My parents weren’t like that, but I’ve been around other couples that were and it chaps my hide!
My instinct would be to tell him I would NOT be looking for a man like my father.
I’m glad he’s a good dad to you, and I respect your situational awareness of your parents’ marriage.
Have you considered discussing this with your grandfather?
Ultimately this is your mom’s fight to fight.
Learn what you can from your parents’ marriage and note your dealbreakers.
NTA, but that inactive father is not going to change. He’s using verse and quotes to promote misogynistic behaviour.
NTA but unfortunately he’s not going to change. I’m sorry he may be a good dad in your eyes but he’s actually an abusive asshole. I feel bad for your mother.
Move out, stop talking to him, then send them. Do it quick, too, so your mom can be guilt free when she divorces his lazy ass so that she can take a nap in peace.
And, yeah…. he may be an alright father. But he’s not a good one. A good one would never set that example for his children.
Ugh. Paul would be weeping if he saw how we have twisted his very specific advice to a very specific group having a specific problem.
Your dad is an abusive ah. Who gives Christian’s a bad name.
Marriage should be 60/40 with both people trying to be the 60.
NOPE.
Your anonymous approach would not only antagonize him & probably worsen the home climate as a result; even though the idea is rooted in good intentions but also horribly naïve.
Oh, where do I begin ?
Wake up & acknowledge your Dad
is not a ‘good’ father or husband
when he taps the Bible to justify abuse
to assuage his laziness to create a position of dominance and superiority.
Over the woman who shares his life & is really putting herself at his mercy.
Your description of her behavior screams abused spouse – although such strength IS required to tolerate a lazy, demanding, disrespectful, (abusive) husband.
You’re smart enough to actually see this for what it is: A dysfunctional relationship.
If your father is so close-minded about discussing anything that infringes on his own sense of self-worth or ego, then it is best
to find some alone time (a minute or 2 would be a great start) & just tell her, “I’d like to talk with you when you have the time.” Which would undoubtedly give her some time to rest in between satisfying your father’s demands.
Start talking about your day. Then hers. Treat her to breakfast. That time away will give her a much-needed breather. You will also see how she is when she has time to enjoy herself.
Things are not always as they seem.
However, based upon what and how you described your home life, you are taking action to do what you can, and gradually your Mom may opt not to continue to cater to your father and you all will witness the consequences or she may choose to continue.
This isn’t 1960’s – women have freedom now and we don’t have to tolerate any disrespect from anyone, especially from those in our own homes, even if it is from a subjective biblical source.
What does your sister think about this? I don’t want her to think this is normal behavior in a marriage. What would your dad do to your mom if she refuses his orders? What would he do to you if you stood up to his demands against your mother? Your dad is a huge AH.
NTA but I don’t think it will help. Irrational beliefs cannot be changed by rational arguments.
What does sometimes work is emotional appeal. Not your anger but your disappointment and an appeal to his pride. Telling your dad that it makes you so sad that you’ve lost respect for him because of the way he behaves and that it’s really painful because you really believed in your heart that he was better than that. It won’t always work but it works better on encouraging a change in irrational beliefs than logical debate does.
NTA I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Even if the articles didn’t upset him, it sounds like he might just ignore them.
You know your family best, but from what you’ve shared, if it was me, I would talk to my mother. I think he’s abusing her too, but she’s staying for a reason and I don’t know what that reason would be. Maybe she’s already got a plan to leave once you and your sister are independent and she’s just humouring him? Maybe she’s afraid of him? Maybe she even holds the same belief system and feels it’s her responsibility to take care of him (some couples have a weird division of labour)? I don’t know, which is why I would start with her and just ask her how she feels about it all, then go from there.
It’s clear that you love them both and that you’re worried about them both, but it’s their relationship and as hard as it is to watch, the dynamics are theirs to choose and you can’t fix it for them. Separating might be the healthiest thing for them both. It’s always better to come from a broken home than live in one, right? I hope they realize how lucky they are to have such a caring and compassionate daughter.
A side thought: You might want to do some research on resources/shelters available for abused women in your area in case your mother really is afraid but doesn’t know how.