Hello all. Just to be clear, my husband (50M) and I (47F) are not homophobic in any way, we’re simply unsure of the correct away to approach our son about this.
This all started a year ago when my now 15 son had just turned 14. It was summertime and my son was enrolled in a lacrosse camp. One day he comes back from camp and tells me he met a boy from another team named Marcus (fake name). My husband and I are excited to hear that he’s making friends. I suggest that he should invite Marcus over one day. My son seems happy to hear this and they start to hang out a lot over the summer. Now we’re about a month into the summer and I’m cleaning out my son’s room while he’s at camp and I noticed that his computer is open and unlocked on his desk. I try my best not to be a snoopy mother, but since it was just sitting there, I thought I might just take a look and make sure he’s being safe. We had just recently given him some social apps, such as Pinterest, Instagram, and Snapchat. I just wanted to check to make sure he wasn’t doing anything that could be possibly dangerous.
The first thing I see when I open up Safari is three tabs. One is to an article about a bunch of pride flags, one is to a quiz to determine your “gaydar” (still not sure what that is), and the third is a YouTube video about some Youtubers journey coming out out of the closet. At first, I was pretty confused and unsure what this meant. I called my husband into the room and showed him the tabs. He just sighed and brushed it off. My husband then explained to me that he did the same thing when he was a boy. It seems that many teenagers will experiment around this age to try and figure out things about themselves. So both of us just brushed it off as normal teenage behavior.
Well, next thing we know, Marcus and my son are hanging out almost every other day. If they’re not hanging out together, they’re texting or calling. I mentioned to my husband that I feel like our son and Marcus have grown very close in a short period of time. He agrees with me, but also notes that it’s perfectly healthy and they’re both good kids so we should give them time to hang out and have fun. I 100% agree with this, but I’ve always been a bit protective of my son and I just want to make sure that he and Marcus aren’t going to have a bad fallout that leaves him super upset.
So both of us are giving them space to hang out and have fun this summer. But I’m making sure to keep a bit of an eye on them. The first time I noticed that my son and Marcus may be dating was when I came downstairs into our kitchen one night when they were having a sleepover to find them cuddling on the couch. Marcus had his head on my son’s chest, and my son had his legs wrapped around Marcus’s torso. This wasn’t just some kind of position where It might’ve looked like they were sitting close to each other. They were very obviously cuddling and even holding hands.
I quietly return to my room and explain to my husband what I saw. My husband agreed with me and noticed that our son and Marcus had been getting very close lately. Neither of us were very surprised to find this as we kind of expected it. We decided to let it play out quietly and see if they would come to us first. We had no clue how long they had been hiding this relationship or if they were even officially dating yet.
Now they are both 15 and it’s been about a year since they met each other. They still haven’t come to us to talk and I don’t know Marcus‘s parents stance on this topic so I don’t want to bring it up to them and potentially cause Marcus any trouble at home. Now my husband and I are pretty sure they’re dating as we’ve seen them cuddling multiple times and even caught them kissing once when they thought they weren’t being watched. Neither my husband or I are opposed to our son being gay or to our son having a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I’d really like him to come to us and tell us first.
Even if I have to go to them and talk privately with Marcus and my son. I’d rather do that sooner than later and have this conversation with them so they can understand we accept and love them. I also feel like we’re introducing on their privacy and they would have more freedom and privacy if they could tell us. Any advice would help, thank you!
Comments
“Hey buddy, we know you may be doing through some difficult times and realizations, we just want you to know that you’re perfect to us and we love you unconditionally “.
Bring it up naturally? To be honest I don’t know and wouldn’t know how to breach the subject. Maybe you guys could show support for the gay community in ways that are neutral. Hang out with gay friends? Go to local Pride festivities just as a family thing to do? Anytime any gay conversation comes up, be understanding and supportive. I think if your son sees you don’t hate gay people he will be comfortable coming out of the closet when he’s ready to (if he’s gay). Maybe teasingly ask him if he has any love interests.
It’s 2025. Some kids don’t feel the need to come out. If you’ve always been accepting and live in a place that’s accepting, just casually tell your kid to invite his “boyfriend” to something. Use the word. There may be a reaction, and there may not be.
If there’s a chance your kid may think you wouldn’t be cool with this, inundate your lives with gay culture. Watch movies and tv shows with LGBTQ+ themes, characters, and actors. Say positive things about LGBTQ icons. Etc. It’s not a special event that needs a heavy conversation. Make it clear through your everyday life that you’re supportive to quell your kid’s possible anxiety.
You can’t force a kid to come out though. That’s weird. Don’t pretend that you don’t notice, but don’t make a big deal about it either. Basically, react the same as you would if you saw him cuddling and kissing a girl. He doesn’t have to talk with you about his sexuality if he doesn’t want to.
Hey son, we love you, and if you need to tell us something in particular, we already suspected it and we accept you for you. Just be happy, that’s the important thing.
How do you know they aren’t just good friends 🥀
Let him come to you when he’s ready. It ain’t about you it’s about him.
You might consider going to the r/gay forums and posing this question.
Just be a safe space when he chooses to talk. Don’t you broach the subject.
I saw on a similar Post a nice advice for that. Maybe you can adapt it. It was roughly: bring up your general supportiveness of being gay in a manner unrelated to him.
For example, positively comment on current events in that regard. In Germany, the Christopher Street day is very much in the eyes of the public right now, so here, one could mention a current news article about that in a positive light.
He will know that you are supportive and is not in a position where he has to come out at the same time.
Do not attempt any conversation in front of Marcus. Tell your son you are happy he is happy when Marcus is not there.
Let your son come out in his terms. Instead, focus on what you can do, which is to make sure he knows you have no issues with the gay community. Buy some pride flags or pins and put them around the house. If your son asks, just be like “oh with everything going on in the world, I just wanted to show some support.” No need to directly address your son’s sexuality when instead you can prove he’s in a safe environment to come out.
I wouldn’t bring it up but I would show you support it in other ways. Maybe put a little magnet on the fridge of equality or put one of those signs in the garden about everyone being welcome in your home. Subtle hints that you are accepting. He will come to you in his own time.
I would talk to your son alone first. Cus that’s a very awkward conversation. You can just be like hey is Marcus your boyfriend. “And you can say it’s okay to tell us we already know, just wanted u to know you can talk to us about anything since u haven’t told us your dating yet.” If the talk with your son goes well one parent could go out to eat with Marcus and your son to get to know him. Or something bonding to loosen the edge up. Maybe something like that ??? It could just be a kid thing tho he could be embarrassed in general cus people even of opposite sex do it also I mean they are kids they know there parents might Tease them a little bit not a mean tease like a playful tease that parents do to there gets getting there first bf/ gf straight non straight it happens
It’s cool that ur gay we love u
U don’t have to over think it
Find memes and send those if u want
I’ve been wondering how to do this with my kid, I was planning on watching the Freddie murcury movie or birdcage or some similar movie with them as a family and kind of making comments like how I think it’s wonderful and how love has no gender etc, and just leave it at that… aiming to show I’m open and accepting, without explicitly forcing them to out themselves