My(M28) SO(F27) and I just moved into a two bedroom apartment one month ago. My SO’s younger sister(F25) has been dating a guy(M23) from another state and she’s been flying to his state more often than he comes to visit her. I was never invited to meet him when he came to visit, but my SO has gone out with them multiple times. The younger sister has asked my SO to ask me if they can stay in our empty spare bedroom with no bed or furniture, since he’ll be coming to visit her for her bday soon and she still lives with her parents. I said no because I’ve never met the guy and would rather not have someone I don’t know in my home. My SO disagrees with me because he’s a good guy and it’s her younger sister. I feel like I should know someone before they can spend a couple nights in our home. I even told them he can stay whenever he’s visits in the future after I’ve met him. I feel like we both have good points but they’re making it seem like I’m being very unreasonable, like im just flat out wrong. My SO even talked to her therapist about it to get an extra opinion and her therapist mentioned that this is about morality? Am I honestly the AH??????
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My(M28) SO(F27) and I just moved into a two bedroom apartment one month ago. My SO’s younger sister(F25) has been dating a guy(M23) from another state and she’s been flying to his state more often than he comes to visit her. I was never invited to meet him when he came to visit, but my SO has gone out with them multiple times. The younger sister has asked my SO to ask me if they can stay in our empty spare bedroom with no bed or furniture, since he’ll be coming to visit her for her bday soon and she still lives with her parents. I said no because I’ve never met the guy and would rather not have someone I don’t know in my home. My SO disagrees with me because he’s a good guy and it’s her younger sister. I feel like I should know someone before they can spend a couple nights in our home. I even told them he can stay whenever he’s visits in the future after I’ve met him. I feel like we both have good points but they’re making it seem like I’m being very unreasonable, like im just flat out wrong. My SO even talked to her therapist about it to get an extra opinion and her therapist mentioned that this is about morality? Am I honestly the AH??????
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because the younger sister and i are pretty close and I’m not letting her stay in my home.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Having someone stay should be a 2-yes, 1-no decision. If you are both not on board, it doesn’t happen.
And really, the sister and her bf need to rent a room. You don’t want to hear that.
Explain to me how it’s about morality bc I’m not seeing it. NTA. No one deserves to have a stranger in their home. It’s not unreasonable to want to meet them first.
Yes, YTA. I think it’s normal for family and their +1s to stay for a couple of days even if you haven’t met them. If her parents were visiting, and you hadn’t met them, wouldn’t you let them stay a weekend?
This is a weird hill to die on.
like not really, I understand your concern. You could be more sympathetic I guess to their cause, but I am not really sure why younger sister cannot get a hotel room or have the guy stay at her parents. I guess its to save money and not feel weird about fucking? IDK like you are old enough to be flying between states and seeing this person, you should be able to get a hotel room or something. Also ur spare room has no furniture so I am not rlly sure what they envision for sleeping, an air mattress? I think the therapist is being weird this is definitely not a moral issue. I think you might need to have more conversation with ur SO, but I also think this is not the hill to die on.
NTA.
So your S.O. and her sister cut you out when they get together (with this new boyfriend) but now that they need a place to stay you’re good enough to meet?? NTAH .. It’s perfectly reasonable to want to know the people staying in your home..
NTA. You’ve never met the guy. Who cares if your SO and her sister know him. They’re the unreasonable ones.
NTA
You’re not comfortable with it for perfectly healthy reasons imo🤷.
But also I mean also honestly I don’t know… I’d hate to hear them doing it randomly because they’re finally alone or whatever 😂. Go get a hotel room or something
**edit: I’m seeing some comments about whether or not this being the hill to die on. It’s not about dying on the hill in this case, it’s about finding compromise. OP’s compromise is he wants to meet the guy before he invites a potential psycho into his home. But it doesn’t sound like OP’s SO has. They’re just expecting that OP be okay with it 😂 which is mad
NTA. But tell your SO that she should try to put herself in your shoes. Hate to break it to ya but anyone who can’t do that is a waste of time
NTA. I think that’s a fair compromise to allow them to stay once you’ve met him.
NTA. I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with someone I hadn’t met staying in my home. Especially since it sounds like you could’ve met him but, we’re never invited. You’ve already said after you meet when he comes they can stay in your spare room. Sounds to me like her sister needs to get a hotel room or talk to her parents about him staying there.
NTA. You should have been invited to go out with them and meet the boyfriend, before she asked your SO if she and her boyfriend could stay with you for a few days. You don’t know this guy from Adam, to use an antiquated expression. I think your SO isn’t respecting the fact that you are looking out for BOTH of you and your home.
NTA. Wanting to meet someone before they stay in your home is completely reasonable. You’re not banning him forever, you literally said “after I meet him, he’s welcome.” That’s a healthy boundary, not a moral failing
No, your not the AH. Why exclude you, then expect you to let them stay in your place? If they don’t include you in their life why would you include them in your personal space. I am sure you get along but to not include you to get to know her boyfriend, then expect you to invite him into your personal space is disrespectful to me. I wouldn’t unless they made a point of letting you get to know him beforehand. Let the therapist know, healthy boundaries aren’t just morally based, regardless they should be respected.
If your SO has hung out with the bf, why aren’t you included?
NTA. You have a right to protect your place from complete strangers. Until you have had a chance to get to know her SO, he doesn’t get access to your apt. If your partner cannot comprehend your discomfort, then I question your relationship. Your partner should have your back.
YTA for not trusting your SO and sister.
I mean, let’s be extremely honest. Your SO’s sister wants to stay over with her boyfriend in your home so they can have lots of sex. They can’t at her place since she lives at home. So that’s what will be going on in your spare room when you’ve never even met the guy. Everyone is entitled to a healthy sex life but they can take that off to an airbnb or a hotel room. I don’t think you’re necessarily the AH here. And even if the sex thing is irrelevant the man is still a stranger to you. If you don’t want your first visit with him to be while he’s using your fluffy towels than understandable. NTA
Is there a reason you weren’t invited to meet him the last few times he was in town? Were you disappointed at the lack of invite?
My partner hasn’t met most of my family (distances – Switzerland, Australia, France, Zambia and Denmark) . If they wanted to come and visit, he would insist that they stay at ours to get to know each other better ( especially if it wasn’t putting us out and we had the space) . I would do the same for him. He has family up in Scotland and also in Canada who I haven’t met but would gladly have over (if he vouches for them, after all, they are kinda my family too).
The therapist is making judgments without knowing you or anyone else involved so I wouldn’t listen to that. You are perfectly reasonable to not want a stranger staying in your house. I think your SO has probably already told the sister that it is a done deal, so now is trying to make you feel bad, hoping that makes you change your mind, so she doesn’t look bad.
YTA.
Or you just relax, put aside the selfmade principles and open up to new connections.
Maybe they will return the favor one day.
NTA.
I see it as a safety issue. I wouldn’t let someone I didn’t know stay at my house either.
And where has the BF stayed on previous visits? If he’s stayed with friends/ family/ your SO’s parents is there a reason he’s not staying there this time?
NTA
You are not even invited when they meet.
“and her therapist mentioned that this is about morality? ” .. what an idiot. And: Don’t listen to HER therapist. YOu only get parts taken out of context to support her demands.