My fiance and I live together money comes out of MY account for our shared bills at the first of every month. However the past couple of months he has been either late or sending it in parts or giving me some dumb run around. And he finally admitted last week he is having a hard time financially with our bills because he is sending money to his mother!!!
For context she has been unemployed over a year and does not appear to be looking. She is no longer receiving unemployment.
She is an able bodied woman who just does not want to work. I’m so pissed. I’ve had to move money from my savings to cover his share because he wants to help his mom? I didn’t sign up for this and not to be a jerk but her financial position has nothing to do with me. I have my own personal bills and budgeting. I feel until his home is taken care of he’s not in a position to help her. Point blank period. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to see the lady on the street (or even worse, living with us) but if I am having to cover his bills even temporarily then he’s just simply not in a position to help his mother. It is my money in a sense helping her.
I don’t want to move money from my savings monthly because she is not working. Not my problem. Not what I signed up for. What’s next when we have a home and kids he’s going to push their needs to the side for her?
AITH
Comments
What did your fiance say?
NTA. But, ur man needs to buckle up. He needs to take care of his mom’s needs. Not u. Don’t rush into the marriage. This is a red flag especially when the guy has been hiding for some time and doesn’t want to work out things with his mother. Like openly communicating about his financial crunch situation and u pitching in the money from ur savings. The guy might be good, but not sure about future responsibilities like kids, and their future needs would be taken care of.
Your husband will definitely push your future children aside for the wants of his mom. Trust me, I know! Been there, done that. Edited to correct the autocorrect.
Nta. Don’t marry him. He’s doesn’t care about your life, only his mother. He kept it a secret from you without consulting you on joint bills.
NTA – no, you are 100% correct. She’s a grown ass adult like the rest of us and he either gets over his mommy issues or find a new place to live. You are under no obligation to support either of them.
I gonna say NTA but also; honestly reading that, my only thought was “why is this couple engaged?” The whole “my account, my money, my half of the bills” thing is definitely the wrong foot to start a marriage on. Once you’re married, all of that becomes an “our/us” thing. There’s a reason finances are one of the leading causes of divorce. And sounds like there’s some issues in the family dynamic. I think you guys need a really strong sit down conversation about finances. How exactly you plan to cover/share finances and financial responsibilities/duties. Talk about the kind of conversations you guys should have when it comes to finances: like your finance having a conversation with you before going and sending large sums to his mother. Yall also need a serious conversation about this mom situation. I agree; you guys shouldn’t be footing her bills because she’s too lazy to work. Also a bad foot to start a marriage on; finances and mother-in-law issues are both things you want discussed and clear between you two before going down the aisle. In my experience and in the wise words of everyone ever; marriage doesn’t fix problems, it makes them bigger. It’s hard to see our parents struggle especially when sometimes we feel that we owe them so much after all they’ve provided for us. But what he’s doing is enabling her, not helping her. And she will continue to milk him for as long as he can. He may not be honest with her about how helping her is putting a strain on his finances. So she may not even realize the hardship she’s putting you guys in. Or she does know and she doesn’t care. And that’s not ok. Sometimes we have to let those we love suffer for them to be able to overcome and thrive. Mom has to figure out how she’s gonna take care of herself.
How old is she? She may be way too young but if she had an old she might not be, is she old enough to apply for social security? I would be very upset about the situation as well.
Before you judge her, walk some miles in her shoes! Even if you believe you know everything about her, you probably don’t!
Your husband is a good man by supporting his family, but he should man up and should have told you beforehand what he is going to do. Seems like he is afraid of you, which is not a good base for a marriage!
YTA
NTA – if you’re doing all this what the hell do you need him for? He’s already lying 🤥 to you – red flag 🚩!! If you’re going to pay for everything yourself what’s he doing but sponging off you and in this economy, believe me, you could live cheaper by yourself. Let him go live with mommy and see how that works out.
I would sit him down and have a long, hard talk with him. I know you live this man and I’m older so my first feeling is kick him out but talk to him, see what he says first. If he can’t break away from mommy, you’ve gotta make some hard decisions.
I’m really sorry 😞 he’s put you in this position. It’s not right or fair. Good 😊 luck!
Time for a serious talk. Maybe go for a walk (outside the place that is causing tension) or get a coffee/tea and truly discuss this is not the life you want.
See if you match up. Then make a decision
When my ex-husband and I started working, a very long time ago, one of the first things we did together is send money to his mother. Every time she asked we were there. Decades later it is now my own mother who is helping me with my bills while I can’t make ends meet.
YTAH. It is him who shouldn’t marry YOU.
You can never turn your back on family. Families are families. At the very bottom you are asking him to choose you OR his mother when you are creating a family it’s all of you joining together. Family means all you helping each other endlessly.
You don’t know what your future will bring. You don’t know who you’ll have to rely on and by the sounds of it, there won’t be many people.
NTA. You are absolutely in the right. He agreed to pay for his share when the two of you moved in together. He needs to hold up the end. It’s great that he wants to help his lazy mother but he will need to pay the house first and if he has extra he can help her. Tell him to get another job to support her if he wants but he needs to get his priorities straight. Money is business. Just sit him down and have a talk about how he is going to fix the household bills that he is actively going into debt to you. Best of luck.
NTA and related story from husband 55, together 28, married 25, kids 18/15.
Raised by single mom, paid substantial rent from 16-29, $62k. The one thing I made clear even as a kid was this was ok, but make sure she’s got her retirement arranged because once I move out it’s done. Anything more I help her with would be robbing from my own family.
Have not sent a dime to her since but still have a good relationship. She’s managed her life and finances well. My sister also had a similar situation, “helping” out at home but clearly stated the limits of that help. Unfortunately her relationship was harder and she’s been NC with her for decades.
Edit: should have added, the harder had nothing to with continuing financial help.
“Fiancé, it’s come to my attention that you have been giving money to your mom, before our bills are covered. I want to start with you knowing that I’m not okay with this happening without a discussion. I’d like to sit down and discuss our finances, and our opinions of helping others in trouble. “
Good luck
He should at first pay your bills and then help his mother. If it’s not out of your money. NTA. It sounds like you are going to have a great mother-in-law living pretty soon under your roof.
Would consider having separate households if he won’t start budgeting. He may save about his expenses after your bills are paid. It’s not your job to support her to stay at home.
You could have used the time you wrote this to pack his shit up. Just saying
I can’t wrap my head around this. I know people do this I just can’t understand it. It’s fine for him to help his mother AFTER all his bills are paid.
If I was in your position I would not marry this guy. His mom is just lazy and he’s already trying to support her over you. So what happens when she really is old and can’t take care of herself?
Be an adult , and tell him we are calling off the wedding and I need you to move out, you can live with your mom cause your mom
Is using you and you end up screwing us and me
Normally the saying to tell him is “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm” but in this case he is essentially setting you on fire.
Nta …..but, hurry up and use your words with him.
Either he needs to pick up another job, or get a raise. but he should be able to handle his business.
End this now
NTA.
He basically stole money from your joint account.
Thats financial abuse. You can do something about it now, but if you stay with him, get married and he continues it; it’ll be harder for you to fight it because you went into the marriage knowing he has done it.
You know what you need to do.
NTA. This is financial abuse. He’s supporting his able-bodied mommy who refuses to work. Meanwhile, he is mooching off of OP. Which means that OP is supporting the lazy mommy.
He won’t change; she won’t change. Dump the loser before he drains your savings. He can go live with mommy.
NTA. I think you see very clearly that there’s no future ahead with this man, and you’re here for validation. Here it is. You are correct. There’s no way he will leave his mom in the street and I guarantee if you marry him, MIL will move in immediately and be a burden until she dies or if you divorce and get out. But furthermore, the kind of man who would turn his back on his mother for the sake of his own finances is NOT a man anyone SHOULD marry. It’s her fault, it’s not his fault, but you guys are just not compatible at this stage. Move on.
NTA
You need to talk to your fiance. Explain to him that if you’re covering his expenses while he gives his Mom money, that’s the same as you giving her a money, and you don’t want to give his Mom money. You’ve had to pull money from your savings, so basically, you’re give ng his Mom your savings.
Stop paying all of the joint bills on your own. Your fiance needs to pay his share of bills at the point they are due, not pay you back after you’ve paid them. The two of you aren’t married and neither he nor his Mom are your dependents. Fiance needs to cover his own expenses and can give his Mom whatever he wants AFTER his own bills are paid.
In addition to not having joint finances with this guy, you should put a hold on planning the wedding until he shows he can take care of himself and be open with issues like finances.
NTA but also kind of the AH with your outlook on finances (my money, my savings). Yes it’s distressing when you are depleting your savings but you and fiancé have to come to some type of plan to deal with future mil. The bill pot is an “ours” fund regardless of who’s account it resides in. It becomes tainted when we penny pinch by constantly looking at in portions of mine/yours. I’m just saying it’s overall not healthy for the relationship and the source of the problem needs addressed (lazy mil) if the relationship is to survive in a healthy way.
Send him back to his mother and stop enabling him and being his ATM. Stop it right now. He’s not in love with you, he needs and uses you.
Financial issues are the second most common cause for divorce. You’re lucky that you have a married him yet and this is a huge red flag for when you do and you’re expected to pay for his mother because she doesn’t want to work.
Remind him that he had to take care of himself and his financial obligations in order to be able to help his mom. He can’t put himself into debt to help her, especially when she refuses to help herself.
The old don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Him giving her money he can’t afford to loose is one problem, setting the precedent that he’ll enable her and pay her way if she chooses not to work is another and him not telling you and paying bills late is are yet more problems. At least 4 different problems to address there. You two need to hash this all out. What’s your comfort zone on giving her money (none is fine!)? How’s he going to address cutting her off because he/the two of you can’t afford this? If the money to cover his share is coming from savings, that’s not an infinite situation anyhow, you can’t afford to give her money that’s beyond your actual income. And the not telling you/lying about why he couldn’t pay his bills- huge NO! Lying about a money, not a good start to a marriage
OP, YWNBTA for having the conversation, even if it feels difficult. You’ll have difficult conversations ahead of you in marriage.
In the short term, switch the bills over to his name, and you pay him your half share. Then the rest becomes his problem.
So, he doesn’t care if you go thru all your savings and have no money for emergencies as long as his mom can continue to sit on her ass. NTA but call off this wedding. It will only get worse.
NTA – Some families are close and take care of eachother when needed and that help always goes both ways and I support that family dynamic. Others have it where one person takes advantage of others in their family and the help is always one sided. If that’s the case then your husband bailing his mom out is just enabling her to be irresponsible. You need to understand the family dynamics completely before you marry this man so you know what you are getting into.
Bottom line with this situation is if he is going to make the financial burden yours, he should have discussed all of this with you ahead of time so you had the chance to make a choice. What your fiancé did was selfish and irresponsible. I don’t know that him giving his mom money was the wrong thing to do, but giving her your money definitely was wrong.
NTA
Ask yourself if you really want to marry a spineless mama’s boy.
“Honey, make sure she knows she can’t come to the hospital, I’m having a c section.”
“Ok”
“So glad I could hold my grand baby while my DIL recovered from her c section. Baby needed to be loved on” with a picture of her holding your baby before you.
And your husband will side with her every time and tell you that you’re overreacting.
He is showing you that he is willing to have you mad at him so long as Mommy isn’t mad at him.
He’s STEALING from you.
Run.
NTA, savings accounts are just that. You should have an emergency fund of at least six that you could live on before even thinking of helping her, and then only when you BOTH decide it’s ok.
Run, don’t walk, unless you want this to be your life story.
Send him back to his mom.
My fiancé is using me, don’t contribute, is abusive to me, helps everybody else but me, AITA for not loving this, am I not supposed to just shut up and continue to accept this situation 🥱🥱😒😒
Yes
Find a different partner
Family comes first
Tell him that you understand his need to assist his mother and that it should have been a discussion between the two of you since it also financially effects you. You believe that you take care of home first before you help out others. Listen to his response. Depending on response. Let him know that you will not be renewing the lease so that you can move someplace cheaper without him because you did not agree to the current situation. You know now that this is not the relationship you want. You are not married you can choose to move on a lot easier.
You have your money.
Your fiance has his.
Don’t co-mingle.
Hold him accountable for his share of the bills.
If he can’t handle it now while she’s able bodied, it’s only going to get worse as she gets older. Hope you’ve got room in the house for her!
If you like him, help him fix this. Might require an ultimatum.
If you’re sick of him, send him to his mom’s.
Honestly it depends on both of your financial situations and spending habits . If you’re getting manicures every month i say no issue but if you all are both living tight it’s probably a bit too much
If he lives with you he pays bills at your house. If he wants to pay his mother’s bills he can move in with her. You’re not responsible for supporting him or his mother.
NTA
UpdateMe
Don’t move your money out of your savings account, move your deadbeat fiancée out of your life.
Don’t marry this guy. You will regret it. Some folks always do dumb shit with money.
In effect, you are paying for his mother as you are putting the extra money in to cover his bills. You are the only one here who is coughing up more cash. He wouldn’t be able to send this money if he was not living with you.
It’s likely best if he moves in with his mom