I 29 F and 30 M have been together for 7 years. I have body dysmorphia, I will take a picture of myself and not like any part of me so I won’t send it. If I don’t like the way I look how could he?
Well, he went through my phone and saw these pictures and now fully believes I have cheated and that they were in fact sent to other men. Which is not true at all. He will not listen to me at all and shuts down and calls me a liar and the whole town has had me. I did not do or talk to anyone at all. I have been with him and JUST him. He will NOT listen at all and will over talk me and then tell me to tell the truth when I already am. He wants me to admit to something I did not do. I feel like I’m mentally slipping away and he will not believe me. He believes I seek validation from others when I do not. I seek validation within MYSELF and no one else. (I posted a picture of me in a lower cut shirt on fb story and that was me “seeking validation from other men” and the only people who reacted were my family members.) Is there any women out there that takes pictures of themselves and keeps them and never sends it to anyone at all?
I don’t feel good about myself at all, have VERY low self esteem and have since I was a child. I’ve been called fat and ugly my whole entire life. I even had a boy punch me in the stomach as a child on the bus because I was “to fat and ugly”. I also have teeth problems that are genetic and he has said things about them out of anger, has told me if you think you’re fat go to the gym or go for a walk or something. He’s not seeing what actually has happened.
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Side note, his ex use to cheat and I also feel like this is a trauma response that he is unwilling to look past that I’m NOT her. He even compares me to her and says I’m definitely have out done her. When I have not done what she did at all.
I’m so much younger. But this made me so sad. I hope you’re doing okay. This must be so tough to deal with. You are not the AH. Not at all
Yeah he’s the asshole lowkey. Gotta work that out
This sounds toxic. I’ll be honest that it looks weird to have those photos. I’m surprised you kept them with BD. However, his behaviour is unacceptable.
He’s not listening because he doesn’t want to hear the truth. He’s already decided you’re guilty and is using this as an excuse to be controlling and verbally abusive. The fact that he brings up your body dysmorphia and past trauma is disgusting.
girl, my heart hurts for u rn.. u are not the AH here, full stop. ur bf going thru ur phone and jumping to wild conclusions like that? major red flag.. trust is the vibe in a 7yr relationship, and he’s out here accusing u of cheating over pics u didn’t even send? nah, that’s on him.
NTA he sounds awful
NTA, there’s a lot of unhealthy stuff going on here. I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t send them because deep down you just didn’t think he deserved them. Good luck moving forward.
A man who isn’t willing to take a look at your viewpoint with your body dysmorphia because his trauma and or own projections of what he may be doing is a recipe for disaster. If he was aware of your situation before the relationship and used it against you when in anger- which isn’t an excuse by the way- doesn’t really love you then. He is either manipulating you so you think that only he can love you with your so called flaws or he’s doing the same thing but actually sending them out and possibly cheating himself as a response from his own previous relationships. If you want to make it work then seek couples counseling for the issues affecting the relationship as a whole… as well as counseling for yourselves separately to address the personal issues directly.
I’ve never really understood the appeal of sharing nudes online..I’ve been with in a realationship with my wife for 5 years, 3 as a couple, 2 married and we’ve never shared a nude virtually..If we feot horny, we just got jiggy..
NTA at all. He seems very toxic, even if it is trauma, it doesn’t give him an excuse to jump to wild conclusions. And he seems like an ass to bring up your physical attributes that you are self conscious of just to hurt you. Think about it, he knows that it’s gonna hurt you so he says it. A non toxic partner knows they even if they are mad they can’t bring up they’re partners insecurities just to
Mentally harm them. And similar to that, he’s bringing up YOUR trauma, and saying “well, if you think you’re fat go to the gym” it’s not that easy dumbo😭 are there any other things that point towards him being toxic or is that it? (Btw I’m not saying that isn’t a lot)
This is not a healthy relationship. both of you need to work on your stuff. Hard to do that when each of you is triggering each others stuff.
Hope you find what you need. Don’t send pics. Find healing.
You’re NTA here, and your partner is being a mega asshole.
It sounds like a trauma response on his part, but a hard lesson we all have to learn is that even with our challenges and traumas that doesn’t excuse shitty behavior towards others, and his behavior is shitty as hell. Before even addressing the issue at hand, it sounds like he belittles you and specifically targets your insecurities, which there’s no acceptable excuse for.
It comes down to a simple issue really. Express to him that the whole point of being with someone is to better each other’s lives together and that a working relationship requires trust. If he has suspicions that make him not feel good then he can talk to you about how he feels, but when you tell him the truth and he doesn’t believe you then he needs to confront what makes him feel so certain with a complete lack of any evidence to support his mean spirited and hurtful behavior. It sounds like he both doesn’t trust you and is not even trying to be a good partner.
I’m not usually one to tell people to ditch their long term partner, but maybe take some time to consider in your ideal world how a partner would treat you, respect you, care for you. Then compare that to what you’re actually getting and address the huge discrepancy.
Seems like you guys have some stuff to work on, but flip the script and if you went through his phone and found nudes of himself but he never sends to you, what would you think?
I was in a situation where I asked my girlfriend to send me sexy pictures all the time (we didn’t live together) and she refused or said she would and then never did. I went through her phone one time and saw a ton of them. And it was a shock and I felt horrible about it. Regardless of the reasoning, what is that person supposed to think when all they know before they saw those is that you don’t like to take nudes and have not sent any to them.
I can see how your boyfriend feels betrayed. All guys want nudes and if they aren’t getting them, in their minds there should be no reason you have them on your phone if they haven’t seen them. With social media and private chat apps, sending nudes is a main way of cheating and a main indicator of that is finding something like this.
Whether you are like his ex or not, he doesn’t want to feel stupid like that again and this was definitely a similar feeling for him cause he doesn’t know whether you sent those to someone or not.
If you guys workout, send more to him! He will trust you more than ever and will love it 👍🏻
NTA. he is a jerk. and always delete the photos. are you in therapy? because there is a lot about you that is not external.
Is this someone you want to continue to spend your life with? Tbh, it doesn’t sound like you need to be in a relationship right now. You need to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Until then, you are going to seek out people who aren’t good for you. There are people like your bf who like to be in relationships with vulnerable people so they can control them. You may need to seek therapy if you can’t figure out how to deal with your self-esteem issues. Clearly, you aren’t TAH.
MAKE SURE YOU’RE ON BIRTH CONTROL if you decide to stay with this guy.
TLDR: Your issue isn’t your bf. It’s your self-esteem. You are going to keep picking people like him until you figure out that you deserve more. Try to love yourself first, OP.
NTA
His actions here, assuming we have all the information needed, are an incredibly toxic pattern. It’s the same thing my ex would do to me, accusing me of cheating at basically every turn. I would caution you about continuing the relationship, because a pattern like this hardly ever goes away, and usually gets worse. Basically, expect to get accused again every time you and he have an argument.
Red flag alert 🚩🚩🚩 When you think that you’re insecure, what about your bf? He’s blowing up about some pictures on your phone without any proof of you cheating on him? Hell no! NTA, but your bf is.
Mee
You’re both insecure. You can’t fix each other and you’re very incompatible. Maybe think about fixing yourselves before you get in new relationships.
NTA
Don’t send nudes if you don’t want to. It’s on the Internet and never goes away.
He is abusing you.
You better get out of this. Don’t even wonder what he thinks about you.
His mind is trash.
You need to delete those photos on general principle. You wouldn’t want someone finding them and misusing them.
Sounds to me like your BF is a controlling, manipulative AH, and he is the one causing your mental and emotional anguish. I know my ex used to do that to me. One morning, I woke up either wanting to kill myself or kill her. I packed a suitcase jumped in my truck, quit my job and mo ex 2,500 miles away and gave myself a new start in life with a list of what I’ll put up with and what I won’t. Life is great now. I should have did that 12 years earlier.
Tbh – I could see the worry from him.
If I logged into my man’s phone and saw random nudes that were not sent to me, that would raise suspicion. I think the same is happening here. I believe you fully I can also see his side.
Try to sit him down and explain the situation thoroughly. You guys have been together for a long while and it’s about time he realizes how bad your body confidence issues are.
Try to affirm yourself whenever you take a photo. Instead of “ugh I don’t like the way my lip looks” try to go “OMG my eyes look amazing in this!” Pick what you do like instead of dislike, it’s made it much easier for me.
Good luck girl 🥹
Um he absolutely sucks, but you highkey NEED therapy.
NTA
I hope you getting plenty of therapy for this because my daughter had this and ended up in a month long eating disorder program and let’s say she spent the least amount of time in that program than any of the other people.
He would never hear from me again. Life is short. Sounds like you’ve already wasted too much precious time.
It doesn’t matter why you don’t want to take nude photos. NO ONE SHOULD BE SENDING NUDE PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES. The Internet is forever. Your photo doesn’t just go from your phone to the other person’s phone. It is kept on the servers of the app you use to send it. So not only can you lose control of your image if the person you send it to has malicious intent, an employee with malicious intent at the app company might also be able to access and save your image to do with as they please.
I honestly tried giving him benefit of the doubt until I read the full post, the guy is an absolute abomination and a jerk and a dick.
Leave him asap, he will not help your self image at all. And he is a dick (did I mention that?)
NTA
I see all these posts about spouse is going through each other’s phones. Why don’t you have a security lock on your phone to prevent that? My spouse of 35 years doesn’t go through my phone and I don’t go through his. It shows a lot of insecurity. and I have the same problem with my body. Always have had a low self-esteem. I am very tall, very lean and muscle, but I don’t like the way I look. It’s just a psychological thing. If he doesn’t understand it then you need to find someone new.
Oh! I did this! I took sexy pics and put them in a locked folder to become comfortable with my body. Then I forgot the password of the locked folder 🤣 I saw it online as a method to grow self esteem over our own body and it totally worked for me 🤗
The rage and accusations are a separate issue. Dude sounds abusive and insane. Dump him.
NTA. Why do you have body dysmoprhia? Is he contributing? If you’ve been in a 7 year, loving relationship- he should be helping you with those insecurities.
Please don’t come after me, Reddit. I know partners are not supposed to, nor able to fix each other.
But having a supportive, loving relationship should help your self esteem.
I say this bc the way he reacts to this makes me believe he’s emotionally abusive to you, in general.
Nta and your bf is an asshole. He is also probably projecting so he can justify his own cheating. Beat you down with accusations until you fold and admit to something you didn’t do. And once that happens, he’s gunna feel free to say, “I knew it! That’s why I slept with your sister a year ago! Haha!” I’m just saying.
NTA. Do you really still want him as a bf?
Send Them. He doesn’t care what you look like.
While many people do this, its your choice not his.
NTA
NTA at all! He’s an insecure jerk. I want to address the part where you ask if you don’t like the way you look, how could he?
As cliche as it is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I’m sure you would never be as critical about others as you are about yourself.
I get it. I’m the same way.
I was also very unhappy about my body for a long time. I recently lost like 25lbs. I feel great but my husband made a comment that really made me see it differently. He said “I hate how you hated your body for so long but I loved it all along”.
Regarding the validation, even if you were posting for validation, it’s human to want that. I’m sure you’re beautiful. Be kind to yourself and you’re only 29. Don’t waste those years with someone who makes you feel anything less than appreciated and loved.
Dump him.
never, never send nudes. don’t even make them, if someone finds them and gets angry with you they’ll end up all over internet.
Dump his ass
You wasted seven years with a jealous, controlling monster. You need to get yourself out of this abusive relationship and find someone who respects and loves you. Run, don’t walk. Your “low self-esteem” isn’t something innate. It’s a plan your “boyfriend” has carried out to make you think you won’t find someone better.
Yta get help
Hell no
You are not all obligated to send nudes even if you are extremely comfortable with your body. The answer “NO” goes to all situations or asks you don’t agree. I’m sorry if it’s hard to you, but you should leave him and focus on yourself
He has several red flags, but honestly, if I discovered that my wife had nudes on her phone that I had never seen before, I would feel uncomfortable and have many questions. Both of you need therapy. You both have issues that you need to resolve together and separately.
NTA. You’re extremely smart not to send nudes. Those nearly always fall into unintended hands.
NTA- Your body, your nudes.
That’s the simple part of the post. The rest are all the red flags that make us wonder why you’re there to worry about this dilemna.
Remember, there is someone for everyone. Regardless of your self-perceived body issues there is someone who’d worship you and have you on a pedestal feeling special as is. Then there are guys who think “less than perfect” = a girl who won’t cheat on them and tend to show their insecurities when they can’t handle their own reality of life’s little problems. You have to decide which one you want to spend tomorrow with. One tends to exploit and amplify your insecurities to feel better about themselves. One tends to communicate through and appreciate your insecurities for their own reasons to help you overcome and feel empowered in your own skin.
NTA. Taking pictures of yourself is completely normal. I have taken photos of myself and never sent them to anyone. It’s just to compare photos from previous years. He sounds really toxic especially that he says things out of anger about your teeth that is so hurtful. He sounds emotionally abusive too. Just because he is angry doesn’t give him the right to say those mean things to you. And because he doesn’t trust you I think you should leave the relationship. If there’s no trust there’s no relationship. You deserve so much better.
Leave his ass. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. He’s using a manipulation tactic that makes you feel bad and makes you feel like he’s your only option and that you need him when you don’t. Also, if he really thinks that you’re cheating then why hasn’t he broken up with you?
Read your post as if it’s someone else. If you would defend your bf if it was the bf of one of your friends he’s in the right (SPOILER: He isn’t) but if you wouldn’t want a friend to be treated this way he’s the AH in this situation. (It’s obviously the latter of the options, just to repeat my point with different words).
If after all the crap he put you through you have not managed to figure out he is a POS and will make your life utterly miserable for years to come if you decide to stay with him then I don’t know what to tell you.
NTA. His insecurity, accusations, and refusal to listen are manipulative and emotionally abusive. Protect your peace.