I have a very small group of close friends. one of them is in a like emotionally abusive relationship (we think it’s gotten physically but she has never said anything) she continues to go back to him again and again and i can feel myself start to care about her wellbeing and safety more than she does. Which is really starting to affect me. I am completely torn. I know the correct thing to do is to be there for her and not allow it to get to the point of isolation. But around 5 years ago I had a close friend that was addicted to drugs and lied and manipulated us. She was also extremely depressed and it resulted in me placing her needs ahead of my own and lead me down a very dark path. I am obviously leaving a ton of details out but it got super bad and I vowed to myself I would never allow myself to get to that place again. (myself and the people I went through this with got diagnosed w cptsd from the experiences we though). But my best friend now is showing the same signs of lying, manipulation, and self sabotage . I want to be there for her and now there is the added threat of physical violence from her partner but i also am extremely hurt by her constantly lying to me, speaking poorly of me to her partner, and his threats of violence towards me. I want to tell her that I love her and will be there for her but for my own mental health I cannot be apart of her relationship anymore. But at the same time I want her to feel like she can always come to me as she is in a dangerous relationship. The way she is lying and manipulating us (her own words) is extremely triggering and is causing my mental health to decline.
Would I be the asshole if i told her I can only be friends with her on topics not related to her ex? I want to be a good friend and not isolate her but I also can’t risk my mental health.
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I have a very small group of close friends. one of them is in a like emotionally abusive relationship (we think it’s gotten physically but she has never said anything) she continues to go back to him again and again and i can feel myself start to care about her wellbeing and safety more than she does. Which is really starting to affect me. I am completely torn. I know the correct thing to do is to be there for her and not allow it to get to the point of isolation. But around 5 years ago I had a close friend that was addicted to drugs and lied and manipulated us. She was also extremely depressed and it resulted in me placing her needs ahead of my own and lead me down a very dark path. I am obviously leaving a ton of details out but it got super bad and I vowed to myself I would never allow myself to get to that place again. (myself and the people I went through this with got diagnosed w cptsd from the experiences we though). But my best friend now is showing the same signs of lying, manipulation, and self sabotage . I want to be there for her and now there is the added threat of physical violence from her partner but i also am extremely hurt by her constantly lying to me, speaking poorly of me to her partner, and his threats of violence towards me. I want to tell her that I love her and will be there for her but for my own mental health I cannot be apart of her relationship anymore. But at the same time I want her to feel like she can always come to me as she is in a dangerous relationship. The way she is lying and manipulating us (her own words) is extremely triggering and is causing my mental health to decline.
Would I be the asshole if i told her I can only be friends with her on topics not related to her ex? I want to be a good friend and not isolate her but I also can’t risk my mental health.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took- telling my friend in an abusive relationship that I can not talk about her partner until she stops talking to him due to past trauma
Why I am the asshole: she is in an abusive relationship and I should be there for her
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Unfortunately, your friendship is about to seriously wane, and it may take years to get it back, or maybe never. You have to protect yourself.
NTA – you need to take care of yourself, especially when this situation triggers you to such an amount
try to put yourself first, but keep a door open, when she needs to get out of this realtionship
NTA. What worries me, more than anything involving your friend, is “his threats of violence towards me.” If this is going on, in person, file a police report. Protect yourself first; then look out for your friend who is enabling him to get away with this stuff.