I’m (30M), When I was 10, my dad left. There wasn’t a big fight. No slammed doors. Just him telling my mom he couldn’t do this anymore, and then he walked out. No shared custody, no weekend visits, no birthday cards. He was just gone.
At first, I held on to hope. I checked the mail for letters. Waited by the phone. Thought maybe he’d show up at school or just say something that explained it all. But those things never happened. My mom stepped up. Worked long hours. Helped with homework. Came to every school event. She gave everything. He gave nothing.
I grew up. Graduated high school. He wasn’t there. Got married. No word. Had a kid. Not even a text. At some point, I stopped wondering where he was. I made a life without him. Built my own family. Moved forward without the weight of hoping he’d come back.
Then two years ago, I got a message from my aunt. He had cancer. And suddenly, he wanted to reconnect. He started sending letters. Leaving voicemails. Talking about regrets and how he wanted a second chance. My aunt said he wanted to make things right before it was too late.
But I didn’t respond.
Because I wasn’t a person to him, I was a loose end. A memory he didn’t want to leave unresolved. Where was this effort when I was 14 and couldn’t stop crying? When I was 19 and struggling to make rent? Where was he when I needed a dad, not a stranger looking for peace on his deathbed?
He passed away two weeks ago. My aunt begged me to come to the funeral. Said he hoped to see me one last time. But I spent years hoping he’d show up. And he never did.
Now my family’s upset. They say I’m cruel. That I should’ve gone for closure.
But the truth is, I already got closure. It came quietly. Somewhere between growing up without him and realizing I turned out okay.
AITA for not mourning a man who only remembered me when he knew he was running out of time?
AITA for not attending my dad’s funeral because he tried to reconnect only after getting sick?
r/AITAH
Comments
Nope. NTA. You didn’t owe him a relationship in life, you don’t owe your respect in death.
Regret doesn’t entitle someone to redemption especially if it only arrives when facing death, not during your hardest years. Closure isn’t a funeral.
NTA
How dare they… No one has the right to tell you anything. I hope they begged him the same way during all the years he left you unattended.
NTA, closure is different for everyone. You got your closure when he didn’t show up for you. He set the standard for your relationship. You don’t owe anyone, anything. Take care.
NTA
NTA. If your aunt makes another syllable about how you were wrong, point out to HER that she has utterly failed to convince the brother she cares so much about to reach out to his 10-year-old son when needed and SHE is the reason he never reconciled with you and that he died without closure.
Fuck no you’re NTA. Where was his ‘regret’ during all those milestones he missed? Dying doesn’t magically make someone a good person
NTA
Not at all. If you have closure and you know everything was ok without him – then that’s all you need. No need to go to the funeral or entertain messages where people try to make you feel like you owed him anything when he gave you zero support or thought.
He made the choice. There are consequences.
You have no familial or moral obligation to attend his funeral. Except, what about his family? Was your aunt a good aunt to you? Or is she popping out of the woodwork now for this one thing?
NTA. This is exactly what my father did to me. I get it totally — the missing him and then the learning to live without him and the contact many years later being that with a complete stranger. I don’t doubt that he has regrets; he should have regrets for how he failed you and all he missed.
The above said: Continue to go forward as you have. I commend you for building a good life. There will always be that hole left by this desertion, but you managed to go forward to build a good life in spite of it. You deserve this good life. His desertion required you to learn to live without his presence, which you did, and, as you write, he only made contact when he needed something from you. Sad but true.
Do not let others guilt you here. Funerals are to honor the dead. No one should expect you to honor anyone who treated/disregarded you as he did.
NTA Funerals are for the living. If not going made things incredibly difficult for someone you do love because they needed your support you still are ok in this one because of the emotional stress on you.
“I may be cruel but I learned everything about it from him so I just fulfilled his legacy.” NTA
as far as I am concerned what you did is what I would have done. his actions told you all you needed to know about him. I would tell all family exactly my feelings. he was already dead to me
update me
Your father died when you were 10. You are not related to thar guy, and your aunt knows it.
NTA
NTA. Where was their outrage for his cruelty when he walked away?
You do t owe him closure.
NTA You gave him closure. You allowed him to feel a fraction of the pain and rejection and better understand the life he lived.
Sounds exactly like my nephews dad. It was a DV situation it took my sister a while to get out of, and he cut the kids off completely. He’d do visitation for a couple of months at a contact center, then go no contact for a couple of years. Eventually that stopped completely. His mother got in touch with my sister to tell her he had cancer and wanted to reconnect with the boys, so she told them they could if they wished, or could just ignore it. They were all grown men with their own lives by then. All of them just went “nah we’re good” and never replied. To this day I don’t know if he recovered or if he died. Neither do the boys. As far as they are concerned their dad died long, long ago.
You did your mourning decades ago when you were a child. You spent hours wondering and hoping. You sat at the window looking for him, and begging God, the Universe and all the infernal powers of Hell for him to come back. For your own sanity you eventually came to terms with the fact you had no dad. The fact he died without ever seeing you again is on him, not on you.
To be honest I doubt anything he might have done would have changed the way you felt. Some wounds are too deep, some hurt too painful to ever forgive. He chose his path, and you came to terms with it a long time ago.
NTA by the way, if I wasn’t clear.
Hell yeah, I hope the last thing he felt and thought about was pain because of how he treated you. You did great NTA
Where were all theae other people when he wasn’t around? They should know what you went thru and how you made yourself without him. You did not need him then. You do not need him now. Close the door. Enjoy the life that you have created.
NTA. Your aunt had a longer relationship with him, and she can make whatever excuses she wants for his behavior, but you’re the one he abandoned. He deserved nothing from you, so don’t waste another minute feeling guilty.
NTA, you didn’t owe him anything. The deadbeat dying with guilt and regret got what he deserved.
NTA. He’s just a stranger. It is not hard to make a phone call, send a birthday card, write an e-mail. But the bare minimum, absolute bottom of the barrel effort, was too much for him. So no, NTA for not wanting to reconnect or go to his funeral. That door is closed for you and there was nothing but pain behind it.
NTA. My egg donor did similar but I was 4. Met her when I was 24. We had exactly ONE conversation. I never talked to her again.
Now your family is saying you’re being cruel??
Did they have the same sentiments towards your dad for abandoning his child? Is that not cruel?
Why would you go to a stranger’s funeral? NTA
If you had chosen to reconnect, it would have been for you, not for him. You made your choice for you.
NTA. You grieved at the time of your loss. You suffered and you mourned and then, finally, you healed.
The person who died was a stranger. It’s sad, but there’s nothing to mourn.
NTA. The same thing happened to me when my sperm donor died. I don’t regret anything, even a little, because of the things his infidelity put me through as a kid.
NTA at all
Good for you! “Before it’s too late”, what a load of BS. It was too late a long time ago.
I dont mean to imply revenge is good. Only that you have zero obligation to that man, or his sister. Absolutely none.
Whenever I read stories like this, I wonder what the motivation is of the family members who preach about forgiveness and closure. Those of us not personally involved can clearly see that OP did nothing wrong and owed his father nothing. Why don’t they? I’ve begun to think it’s because they feel guilty themselves for not calling out his father when OP was growing up and hoped his forgiveness would extend to their complicity. In other words, they are self-serving jerks. OP is NTA, of course.
Hard to close what was never really open.
NTA. You protected your peace. He made his choices long ago, and you’re not obligated to give him what he denied you for decades.
NTA, You owed him as much he put in, which is nothing.
Nope. You already mourned that relationship. That chapter was closed for you.
NTA, tell them your dad died when you were ten years old and spent years crying and mourning your loss. You already have closure.
I’m not going to my Dad’s funeral. He’s a pedophile. I confronted him in 2015 and was cut off by the family (but he admitted to the abuse with just me & my husband present). He told everyone I was, “mentally ill,” and, “making false allegations.”
Nothing like being victimized twice. He’s going to hell and I wish him well.
As for the family who believe him? I miss some of them but I’m staying NO CONtACT since they are his flying monkeys.
A funeral is a celebration of life. I have nothing to celebrate except his exit from this planet.
Nta you already had your closure and mourned for him long ago
Block the assholes. There was nothing good for you if you saw him. It would have been nothing but pain.
NTA. Where was he when you needed him? Now that he needed you you’re supposed to be “the bigger person” NO ONE is entitled to forgiveness. Dying doesn’t give you a free pass.
NTA obviously. He needed the closure, not you. He definitely ONLY did it for himself. At this point, I’d cut the aunt off too. Doesn’t sound like she held him accountable, but wants for you to be accountable for his regret. You held your boundaries and you should be proud of yourself, your mother did a great job showing you what you deserve and you didn’t settle for less. Don’t question yourself.
He had your love, respect & trust and threw them away. He made zero effort to earn them back before he got sick.
You are NTA and should do what’s right for you. Anyone that says otherwise can explain why he made no effort to resolve things before he got sick.
I wish people understood that when something is over… like really truly over… there’s no big performance. Just a whimper. You gave up a long time ago, and rightfully so. You just didn’t make a production out of it.
As someone in a similar situation, I’m angry on your behalf at your family. Why weren’t they breathing down his neck when you were growing up without him and feeling the pain of having an absent father? Why didn’t they guilt him about helping you get a better start in life? But somehow they’re in full swing now for the deadbeat and bothering the person who suffered most at his hands?
You don’t need to perform for anyone. The “closure” they’re talking about is their own. Maybe they want to feel better about not making him the good father, so they’re trying to make you the good son. Fuck that.
Live your life in the peace that you worked hard to achieve and don’t spare this a thought. Make sure you take care of yourself emotionally so that you can be the dad and partner your dad never was.
NTA
Nta. Let him regret to every universe he’s in.
NTA
Reaching out only after getting sick wasn’t about rebuilding a relationship with you, it was about making himself feel better before he died. That’s not your burden to carry. You got your closure the hard way, by living without him. That’s more than enough. Let them call it cruel, they didn’t live your childhood. You did.
No, you are not an AH. Being a father is not only based on his comvenience. He left like he had no son, he can die like he has no son. He was absentee when he was alive. Now, he can be absent forever and your auntie and your family on his side…where were they when your mom was wearing both skirt and pants at the same time? You have the right to not grieve…you have the right to turn your back on him because he tirned his back from you at that time when you needed help, guidance, and support no less!
I’m sorry for the pain this caused you growing up. NTA and I’m glad you found peace. You should tell all the relatives with a problem about how you handled his death, that you gave him the love he showed you since you were 10. I’d also let them know that if that’s how they truly feel, they’re welcome to the same relationship you and your father had.
NTA. Were these relatives calling him and telling him he was cruel for ignoring you all those years? Probably not.
Nta.
NAH. You feel what you feel and you are at peace with your decision; you certainly had your reasons and had your closure. But the fact that your father wanted to reach out and make amends doesn’t make him an asshole, nor you a ” lose end”; it makes you both human. Of course you’d want the motivation behind his contacting you to be different, and perhaps had he lived longer he would have found that motivation; maybe not- no way to know this. But for him to be willing to reach out, take the knee in front of the kid he abandoned and ask for your forgiveness while being prepared for you refuse to his face to give it…. That was the right thing to do.
Not only are you NTA I would say you’ve turned into a remarkably aware human being and your mum is an incredible woman for stepping up!
NTA. And tell any member of your family that tries to say otherwise to STFU. He made his life of regret, it is NOT on you to ease that for him. I’ve never understood the deathbed thing. Life is when you build meaningful relationships, not in the hours when it is too late. He needed to go to the grave knowing just what an awful POS he was to you. And attending his funeral? That would be ridiculous.
NTA. You grieved the loss a long time ago. No reason to go through it again.
Nta.
Damn. Hurts reading this.
Having a 9 and 12 year old, this blows my mind. Even going through a divorce currently it blows my mind. I get falling out of love or even hating your spouse but straight up leaving your kids? Fuck you. NTA in the least bit. He had 20 fucking years to change. He was a pussy and did it when he figured you couldn’t be upset with him.
NTA. You have to do what you can live with. You had already grieved his loss in your life.
Question: Did your father’s family stay in contact with you while you were growing up after he left?
Why do these things always read like they’re AI generated? And we read them every week or so? Look, if it really happened to you, I feel sorry for you kid, but how about putting it in your own words instead of running it through chatGPT so we get the same story every two weeks?
NTA he wanted to reconnect out of guilt in hopes that you would forgive him. Fuck that guy.
nta its just your decision not theirs
NTA. Your “family” doesn’t get to define your closure.
He made a choice and that choice had consequences. They belong to him alone and it was not your responsibility to absolve him of his guilt or whatever he was looking for. Your aunt has a lot of bloody nerve overlooking the massive effects his choices had on you and your mother and expecting you to be the bigger person or whatever crap she used to try to force you to appease and mourn a total stranger. Only you could make that decision and you did what was best for you. I hope you’ve found peace and happiness in your life. If he hadn’t been so selfish, that knowledge should have been enough for him. Your aunt can simply pound sand. NTA my friend. I wish you all the best.
Your “dad” was a colossal dick. You owe him nothing. My only advice is to do what is best for you. When my estranged AH of a dad was dying, I did what was best for my conscience. I went to help while he was dying and went to his funeral. It was AWFUL. I was not told about any family time. Sat behind my sister’s ex and his family. The ex was only in my dad’s life for a handful of years. Dad chose him over my sister. My sister followed her conscience and never visited or attended his funeral. We supported each other fully in our decisions. We both are good with how things went.
>but the truth is, I already got closure.
Good for you. NTAH.
NTA-OP your father died with his regrets – but they were his – not yours. You moved past the heartbreak of his rejection and made a good life for yourself. You have the right to feel proud and are obviously a good son to your mother. That’s more than enough.