Thanks for all of your advice on my last post. As I mentioned.. I want to be a good MIL. I remember when my boys were young and we’d watch Everybody Loves Raymond and saying I would never be a Marie. I mentioned our political differences to be upfront, I know it’s a bias but it’s not the main reason I dislike Jessa, just one of them. I get that I would be the asshole do not pay for their rehearsal dinner.
A few of you gave me the advice to just let my kids work it out, and some of you said to talk to Luis one on one, so I invited him to lunch yesterday. Before that I had texted the two of them back saying that we’d love to plan them a rehearsal dinner and to let us know if they had any ideas, and Jessa sent us a contract for a place with an $11k minimum. We have about $10k saved up for each of our kids for their weddings/ first homes/ honeymoons. Before you ask, we spent about $750 on Lucy and Jaime’s entire wedding (much cheaper when all their friends don’t drink!). And I didn’t want him to feel like I was only taking him to lunch to talk about the wedding so we did talk about quite a few other things before I asked him how the wedding planning was going. He kind of shrugged like ‘you know how it is’ so i asked if i could help in any way. He declined, and thanked me for helping with the rehearsal dinner. I told him the cost was more than we were planning but we are happy to do so for family. He got kind of flustered ant that and just started laying into me about how angry he was at Jaime.
I told some of you but originally Jaime was supposed to be best man. He and Luis were always so close, when Jaime had first moved out of our house a few years ago he would call Luis every single day and they’d talk forever, same thing when Luis moved out last year. I knew after a blow up Jaime stepped down as best man but I did not realize they were this angry with each other. I have never heard Luis talk about anyone much less Jaime this way, he called him an asshole (!) and was like he needs to grow up, stop being so controlling and get over himself, and said that Jaime just didn’t want to see him happy. There were other insinuations that I feel were incredibly unfair and untrue, but I let him get out his issues.
I know you all think I’m so overbearing but I had NOT realized their relationship had gotten so bad. I listened to his airing of grievances for a while and honestly I didn’t push back much it was so shocking. And later when I told Jaime I had gotten lunch with Luis he was just like oh cool like nothing was going on. We’re just not a family that has these kind of dramas. I told my husband I just thought I should let the boys work it out among themselves, he said we’ll see.
So not a great update, I have no idea how this is supposed to play out or what I should do if anything. The wedding is in October since they got a good deal on a cancellation.
Comments
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I personally don’t understand the concept of parents paying for their kids weddings at all unless you’re extremely rich or something and can throw around thousands of dollars without blinking. If they can’t afford a lavish wedding, they should have a smaller one on their own dime. My parents have passed away a long time ago and my partners parents are retired and live tightly on their social security. I could never in a million years imagine asking them to pay $10k for our wedding. Our wedding. Emphasis on our.
Sadly, it sounds like the oldest of your three sons is also the least mature of your three sons. I think you’re handling this correctly by letting your sons manage their own relationships while still speaking out against unkind words and behaviors.
Wait a minute here. They want you to pay $11,000 for a rehearsal dinner???!!! That one would cause me to object to their entire wedding and then just disengage myself from the situation. Who in the hell spends that much money on a rehearsal dinner? I can’t imagine what your other children are going to feel like when they find out you gave them $11,000 towards a rehearsal dinner but you spend around $750 on their wedding. I would just give them a check for the same amount you spent on the other two and let them do with it what they please.
If you saved $20k per kid for weddings, you should only pay $10k toward Luis’s wedding. If he and Jessa want an $11k rehearsal dinner, they can pay the extra.
I highly recommend that you offer to just write a check to Luis for $10k and let he and Jessa decide how to work that into their budget. Then, do the same for all of your kids. Each one gets $10k, not $11k, not $12k plus more for the axes and gratuities, just $10k.
Regardless of the issues we had in the previous post, $11K (assuming we’re talking US Dollars) for a rehearsal dinner is an outrageous request. I hope everyone can work out their differences, of course, but I think wherever you are you’d hear my laughter if someone asked me to pay $11,000 for a rehearsal dinner. I’d be at maybe $3K and that’s still over the average cost of a rehearsal dinner. It doesn’t matter the politics or whether you like them, someone with the gall to ask for an $11,000 rehearsal dinner gets a quick “hell no, try again.”
I’m still stuck on the fact that Jessa said that the wedding wouldn’t be fun for Lucy because she couldn’t drink like everyone else when her soon-to-be husband had to go to rehab and is 9 years sober. I’d be more worried about that than any of the other nonsense.
Updateme
Didn’t read the entire novel. Did you ever tell Luis that you don’t like his fiancée?!
Updateme
There is a middle ground between not paying for the rehearsal and paying whatever Jessa asks (and increasing your budget for each kid accordingly.)
There is also a middle ground between controlling and abdicating.
(Aren’t rehearsals usually only like 30 people? That would imply over $350 a person plus tax tip and any extras!)
UpdateMe!
So is Lucy still not invited? I wouldn’t pay a penny if she isn’t invited.
So Luis pretends that Jamie be his bestman in a wedding his wife isn’t invited? You r worry about your future SIL,but your son isn’t nice either
I think your desire to not be a Monster-in-Law is making you kind of a doormat here. $11k for a rehearsal dinner is ridiculous.
And is Luis even okay with the apparently open bar that’s going to be at the wedding? The guests would understand if it has to be dry. It seems majorly inconsiderate to have a full blown alcohol wedding when the groom is in recovery.
Since no one else will, I’ll say it. Jessa sounds like a spoiled and hateful loser, and I wouldn’t want anything to do with her. If you’re insistent on giving Luis money and keeping the distribution equal, write him a check for $10k on the dot, nothing more. Then it’s their problem to budget it.
I think the best thing to do would be to gift them the $10k and say they can choose to use it for the rehearsal dinner or anything else, but that is all you can contribute. If they want to spend more than that they will need to cover the difference.
There is a good chance this marriage won’t last. You can’t worry about that. Treat her as if she going to be around for the long haul.
I would like to come to your 11K dinner. Where is it, Paris?
I feel you’re being too squishy here with boundaries and communication. I get you want to pull back out of any drama or claims of unnecessary interference, but as others have said, you need to be clear on the amount for each kid and what your plans are. It also seems that you are prone to sweeping conflict under the rug and wanting everyone to revert to acting like everything is ok no matter what. You’re overcorrecting with your future daughter in law. You need some boundaries or things won’t go well. It will cause conflict in the rest of the family if you become a doormat. It doesn’t matter if you can afford to pay more. The squishiness won’t end well. It will cause or add to conflict somewhere in the family system.
$11K for a rehearsal dinner?? That’s insane
Does son know (and by extension his fiancée) that 10K is the total amount you have to offer for wedding/honeymoon/house down payment and there will be no more money coming to them from you after that is all gone. Some families continue to contribute to fund gut renovations and private school tuition and ballet lessons or sports camps for the offspring of this union. Son’s fiancee needs to know that you are not that kind of wealthy family.
You need to have a discussion with your son. The rehearsal dinner is the task of the groom’s family. It is a way to welcome those in the inner circle- his parents, his siblings, and the bridal party. If he is particularly close to his grandparents then I’d include them as well. It’s not meant to be a wedding. Here is the etiquette guidelines: A rehearsal dinner, traditionally hosted by the groom’s family, is a pre-wedding celebration for the wedding party and close family. It typically includes the wedding party, their significant others, officiant, and sometimes out-of-town guests. The goal is to have a relaxed and convivial event where the couple can thank their wedding party and enjoy time with loved ones before the big day.
Updateme
I would say that we give the money but its conditioned that the direct family with partners are invited. I would say straight that we don’t finance bullying.
And would stick to same amount for everyone. Its not about what you can afford, its that you should decide the amount you give – not for the receiver to decide.
11K for a rehearsal dinner? My sisters entire wedding didn’t cost that much. Sounds like someone is entitled. Champagne taste on beer money.
In my country (UK) we don’t even do a rehearsal, never mind a rehearsal dinner. I turned up, walked my sister down the aisle, signed the relevant documents, then we had photos before heading off to the venue.
It’s nice when parents help out, but it’s not compulsory. 10K is more than a lot of people get, and they should be grateful. It sounds like there is a lot going on behind the scenes, and all you can do is tell your sons you love them but stay out of the drama. And don’t be guilted or gaslit into paying more than you are uncomfortable with. I’m still shocked at the amount they want just for an unnecessary dinner. Weddings in the US have got out of hand. Everyone wants the Kardashian wedding, then expects someone else to pony up the cash for it.
Tell them that you have $10000 for each child to use for wedding and/or down payment on a home. Say you respect whatever decision they make on how to use that money. Then keep respectfully silent.
Sitting back and listening to his grievances without discounting the untrue things makes Luis think you are on his side. It validates his thinking and will only make him more aggressive in his anger because now his mom agrees.
Additionally, I haven’t seen anyone say it, but $11k MINIMUM means the bill has to be more than $11k. You can agree to pay, but set a budget. I suspect if you don’t they will add quite a bit to this bill.
Omg do not pay $11k, that is actually crazy. Jessa sounds like a crap person anyway but sheesh, girl has some audacity on her.
How It makes any sense a 11k dinner? This is crazy
So, did Jaime and Luis fight over the fact that Jessa doesn’t want to invite Jaime’s wife to their reception?
If Luis did, in fact, ask Jaime to be his best man, then I think it’s kinda weird that he wouldn’t insist that Lucy be invited to the reception.
I think that’s a ridiculous amount of money to pay for a rehearsal dinner, and I would ask my son what the budget is for the wedding and who will be paying for that. Because it seems like someone’s making a lousy financial decision, and it’s probably going to be easier to talk about that than his choice of a bride.
And then I’d say I have 10k for each of my kids to help with wedding or house downpayment and ask how he’d like us to use that money for him.
Maybe if she has some outrageous budget for the wedding, he’ll think twice about this. She could be the nicest person in the world, but if she’s financially irresponsible, life will not go well for them.
Updateme
Ma’am, please listen to me. This is insane. $11K for a dinner is insane. My wedding was at an all inclusive wedding place. They set me with the flowers, the cake, the food, the venue (which was beautiful), the photographer, the DJ, it was an open bar, etc. On the day of, we both had personal assistants running the entire wedding for us so we didn’t have to worry about a thing. Again, we had an OPEN BAR too. So free alcohol flowing for all the guests.
Because we had a small amount of people we were inviting we had to get the most expensive (and all inclusive) package the venue had. (Which is why it was so comprehensive lol.)The only thing of my wedding that the venue didn’t cover was: my dress and the rehearsal dinner.
The entire cost of my wedding was $10,895 and change. This dinner is ridiculous. Do NOT let yourself be taken advantage of like this by a DIL who seems mean and spiteful and catty.
I keep thinking about this situation, OP. My husband comes from a big family. He always talked about how when spouses were added in to the mix, drama started to unfold in the family. I’ve watched this for 15 years now and I actually think my MIL causes the most damage to relationships within her children and their spouses. She never holds any of her kids accountable for their actions and excuses behavior, except with her DIL’s. Things her sons say she doesn’t like, she blames on their wives. This has led to one son who no one wants anything to do with and another son whose wife won’t come around much and whose children see what she does even when they witness bad behavior. For me, I see how accountability is never encouraged in their family. They demonize people and things when things don’t get their way. She also tries to show her love with money. That works with some people, but to me genuine interest and relationships go so much farther than money.
You aren’t at my MILs level (and honestly she’s not the worst), because part of her thing is favoritism, but the excuses part does remind me of this situation. And if your goal is keeping the peace, you may find that continuing to do this breaks up your family more than you think.
I said it in your previous post, and I say it again now: if I were you, I would pay absolutely nothing for this wedding for the simple fact that your daughter-in-law and son are behaving like horrible people towards Jaime and Lucy.
I know you want to keep the peace, and I know you want your family to stay together, but that ship sailed the moment Jessa started treating Lucy badly and when Jaime allowed it.
Neither of them are good people, and you’re going to find that out in a couple of years when they finish destroying the rest of what’s left of your family.
I’m a parent who would never pay $11,000 for a rehearsal dinner. That is absolutely insane and greedy of them. I would give them the budget that I am comfortable with. If they can’t work with that then I’m really sorry, I can’t contribute then.
NTA I would tell all the children you have $10k each to spend on a wedding, or a down payment. This means if you spend it all on your wedding then there’s nothing for your down payment. Also inform them it’s not $10k each wedding only the first one.
I had my rehearsal dinner, after the rehearsal that they aren’t having, spent $1K for seafood and alcohol. If they are going to spend $11k just on the venue for the rehearsal I would like to see what I’m getting for my chunk of change. It seems like the rehearsal dinner isn’t really a rehearsal but a pre reception. OP needs more info on what’s going on with that kind of money not even a wedding.
Updateme
Why did you not tell your son and his fiance that your budget for helping with their wedding is $10K?
$11,000 was more than we paid for our entire wedding. I don’t trust this chick
If you give them $11k for a dinner then that’s just plain stupid. I get that you don’t want to be a bad MIL but not paying an insane amount of money for their dinner doesn’t mean you’re a MIL from hell. I actually have one of those, mine makes Marie from Everybody loves Raymond look like an angle, so trust me here. You won’t be a bad MIL for putting down your foot and saying you can’t in good faith give them $11k for a rehearsal dinner. If they want ice sculptures or whatever ends up costing $11k, then that has to be on their own dime. If you have $10k saved up for each kid, then tell them that is what you are willing to give them. But make them both aware that that money was saved for help with a wedding, a house etc. and if they would rather want that for the dinner, fine, but that’s the end of your financial contribution to them. It’s only fair that the amount you saved up for them stays that amount.
ESH (except Jamie and his wife)
Yeah, so maybe Jamie and luis are fighting because Luis’ fiance is an asshole to his wife?
Jamie is married. There is no way you dont invite your sister in law to your wedding and still expect your brother to show uo, be your best man or approve of your fiance if she is a total bitch to your wife.
And you need to stop tip toeing around the fiance running her mouth and just say it to Luis and his fiance they they need to cut the shit out. They can say whatever they want to themselves, but in your house, they will act right, or they can gtfo.
You are enabling shitty behaviors. Yes, they are grown. But so what, i dont allow anyone to bully anybody in my presence, especially in my home. I have no problem telling friends, family random, or acquaintances to stop and what i find acceptable behaviors. Am i friends with everyone? Nope, i am cool with that.
Is Luis like your favorite or something? Lay down some goddamn law
NTA, you seem to be handling this the best way you can. I advise that Jaime get that final decision if his wife is coming to the reception or not so he can make his plans about coming or not coming to this wedding. Jessa sounds insufferable