I’m (30F) Growing up, my mom wasn’t physically abusive, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t damage. She yelled constantly. Over little things. A spilled drink could turn into a screaming match where I’d be called embarrassing or useless. She mocked how I talked. Compared me to other kids. If I cried, I was weak. If I stayed quiet, I was disrespectful.
When I was 14, I packed a bag and ran away. She didn’t call anyone. Didn’t try to find me. I came back the next day because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. She barely looked up from the TV. No questions. No concern. Just told me to stop being dramatic.
I moved out at 18 and kept my distance. We’d speak once or twice a year, and it was always surface level. She never apologized. Never acknowledged the past. Just acted like everything had been fine.
I had my first child a few months ago. I didn’t tell her. But a cousin posted something and she found out. Suddenly, she was messaging me. Saying she was thrilled. That she couldn’t wait to meet her grandbaby. I ignored her. Then came the voice messages. She was crying. Saying she’d changed. That she deserved a second chance.
I finally replied and said, you don’t get to be a grandma when you shattered your own child.
She flipped. Said I was cruel. That she was young and overwhelmed back then. That I was punishing her forever. My aunt got involved too. Told me I was taking something beautiful away from my daughter.
But here’s the thing. I don’t believe this is about healing. I think she wants a do-over. A clean slate. But she never owned any of what happened. Never once tried to make it right. And I don’t trust her. Not with me. Not with my kid.
I’m not looking for an apology this late. I just want peace. I want to give my daughter something better than what I had. And I don’t think it’s cruel to say that people who ignored your pain don’t get to rewrite their role in your life just because a baby was born.
AITA for drawing the line now, after holding it in for so long?
Comments
> I’m not looking for an apology this late. I just want peace
It sounds more like you really want revenge.
How about you keep quiet and wait and see. It is possible that she has grow up and wont make the same mistakes. Or maybe you just never let her watch the child. There is no need to tell her why.
NTA. Nobody can tell you how you feel or make this choice for you. You have to do what you think is best for you and your child and nobody else gets an opinion.
Wanting to protect your daughter from the same harm you endured is not punishment. It’s parenting. It’s breaking the cycle.
First, it’s absolutely your right to do this.
Second, your aunt has a point – you don’t have to let your relationship with your mother prevent your child having a relationship with her.
Third, all grandparents use their grandchildren as a do-over.
Fourth, it’s still absolutely your right to do this.
NTA- you don’t owe her a relationship with your child.
NTA
She gets nothing.
She’s entitled to nothing.
Grandparents and parents earn the right to be in your life.
She’s earned no rights.
YOU ARE NOT THE AH HERE
But she absolutely is.
Please do not feel guilt. The only thing you need to do is be the best parent to your child.
NTA at all.
Your birth giver is not entitled to grandparenthood. That’s reserved for those who will surround you and your child with love and support. Unfortunately, your birth giver has not proven she is capable of providing such love.
NTA. The harsh reality is , no one is “owed” a second chance.
NTA
If she never once tried to make it right, she hasn’t really changed at all. So this isn’t about punishing her. It’s about protecting your child from her.
Your mom made her bed your just letting her lay in it. Any family that wants to take her side go nc. This is your child and if you want to break the cycle break it. Even if it’s a lil revenge based still your choice no one else’s. I’m petty so all for it. It’s the consequences of her own actions.
Its ok to protect your child from toxic family members. Families pass their problems through the generations. Stop the cycle now. Nta
NTA. It is clear that you are breaking the cycle of abuse by keeping your kid safe and away from abusers. Congrats on your little one and keep being a good mum, you’re doing the right thing by yourself and your baby.
Nope. Protect your child from your abuser. Literally your job, as their parent.
I’m not seeing anything in your post about her trying to make amends with you over what she did, only whining about having changed and it being unfair that she’s not getting what she wants when she wants it.
Don’t listen to Aunt lol. If your mom refused to acknowledge the hurt she put you through and repair what she broke, then you have every right to decide whether or not she gets a relationship with your daughter. She needs to make up with YOU in order to have a relationship with your daughter, not just ignoring the fact she hurt the person who carried her granddaughter for 9 months. Kudos to you for getting this far without her.
Tell your mom to volunteer with children’s groups for a couple of years first in order to prove she knows how to be kind.
She won’t.
NTA
Nah man, your kid’s childhood isn’t a playground for your mum to test her empathy skills again, this isn’t a frikking game. She had her chance, she had a beautiful opportunity to raise a child, something so many don’t get, and she spent 18 years being a consistently terrible parent. That’s it, that’s the end of the matter. That’s who she is, and she now has the life that she made. You get to decide if you want that kind of a person in your daughter’s life. Protect your and your daughter’s peace above all else.
I can’t decide what to say about this situation. I’m all for second chances, BUT I would hesitate to entrust my baby girl with someone I knew to be abusive in the past. Then there’s also the fact that teenagers tend to see things from a different perspective than what’s real simply b/c they ARE teenagers, so are OP’s recollections real or a little warped?
NTA. You have no reason to trust that she’ll be any better as a grandmother than she was as a mother. Your priority now is protecting your child, not sparing your abuser’s hurt feelings.
NTA. You have a lifetime of evidence why you should keep your mother away from both you and your child. She forfeited any consideration years ago. Your aunt doesn’t get a vote. This is your decision alone, and you made it for all the right reasons. Well done.
NTA. Even if she really has changed, you don’t owe her a second chance. If she really changed, though, she would accept the consequences of what she did.
Your child not necessary loose on a good thing either, they can have a nice relationship with other motherly figures that don’t involve you having to forgive and forget years of abuse in order to happen.
NTA at all. Your priority is your child and you don’t owe your mom anything. Block her contact anywhere possible and let your family know that anyone who facilitates her accessing you or your kid will be blocked.
Nope. Thats ship has sailed
Coming NOW with the “I changed and deserve a second chance” when she had YEARS to apologize to you and SHOW you that she changed? No no no no no, not believing that for a single second, this is not about you or your child, it’s about her entirely. Screw her, you are NTA and please stand your ground on this. Your kid is definitely not losing out on this one.
Stand your ground. It’s your baby, no one else’s.
I don’t think you’re TAH. You must protect your child. Trust your gut..you KNOW how your mother was and very likely still is. While people CAN change, they mostly don’t.
NTA
Maybe your mother should’ve thought about the future beforehand. Maybe her first words should’ve been, “I’m sorry I hurt you and wasn’t there for you.” It sounds like she still hasn’t apologized. No one else can tell you how to deal with any of your relationships. I’d personally set some hard boundaries with your aunt, too, and if she keeps pushing the nc for the foreseeable future.
So nice from your aunt to give you her opinion. Where was she when you felt so unsafe at home that you run away? Four years later, did she help you when you left your mother behind?
I hate how people who were not confronted to cruelty always advise the abused people on forgiving their abuser.
If OP’s mother had really changed, she would have contacted OP without taking for granted that she would be introduced to her grand-child.
Of course, NTA, but you got two AH in your family. Go on NC with them, you deserve peace.
Absolutely not. Everyone needs to stop pretending blood is a license to treat you however they please and get away with it.
NTA
You have to protect your child and with your mother not showing any change or even remorse, it doesn’t look like she has changed. Maybe this will open her eyes and she can look back and see what she actually did and she will try to change but for now, you’re doing what is best.
NTA. Besides the fact she never apologized, an apology without changed behavior is meaningless. You are protecting yourself and your child. Keep your peace but expect the emotional manipulation to become a bigger issue because people like your mother and those that agree with her, know enabling and caving is easier than having to dole out consequences.
Just remember who you needed as a child, and become that person for your child.
You are protecting your peace, you are protecting your child from an emotionally abusive person who is still trying to emotionally blackmail you.
If it comes to it, block her
Change your phone number and stop remaining in contact with her. Tell your family members never to discuss your mother and never give her information about you. Otherwise, they will be cut off.
My mother’s second husband was a POS to his children and this was their rule with his family. Married 12 years and my mother never met his children. She was “sure” they would welcome a stepmother who advocated for them. 🙄😅😅😅😅 He never knew where his children lived, worked, if they were married or had children. Your mother needs the same treatment and handling. Your child can meet their grandmother when they are 18.
NTA
The only evidence you have that your mother has changed is her word. That lost any value a long time ago
Her first step towards reconciliation with you should be outlining the wrongs she did. How will you know she won’t do them again if she still doesn’t acknowledge they were wrong?
She doesn’t have a right to your child. Especially night after she threw you away I’m sorry Op
Nope. There’s no “do -over” baby here. Block her if she’s going call crying with guilt trips and tell your aunt to mind her own business. NTA
NTA you are being a much better parent than your mom ever could. your mom does not deserve access to your daughter simply because your mom wants to meet her. being young and overwhelmed does not justify a childhood filled with abuse. you’re not taking something from her, being a grandparent isn’t a right it’s a privilege and your mom lost that privilege decades ago.
Sending internet auntie hugs to you and your little one.
Don’t give in to your family. Protect yourself and your child.
I wish I had done this. But stupid me let my mom manipulate me into moving back home after I had my daughter at 23. My mom was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me growing up and, for 12 years, was borderline the same to my daughter (but, you know, to everyone else, my mom is this sweet caring woman who’s SO CLOSE to her kids 🙄 gag) She never wanted girls and, when she had my sister and I(between 2 boys), she latched onto me because I look identical to her when she was younger and she tried to live vicariously through me.
I finally moved out almost 3 years ago and my teen and I have never been happier. We don’t interact with my parents unless we HAVE to and it drives get her CRAZY because she no longer has control over either of us
So no, you’re NTA. Your job is to protect your child, not protect your mother’s feelings
NTA. It’s your responsibility to keep your child safe and healthy, something your mom didn’t do. If mom really changed, good for her. It has nothing to do with you. As a mom yourself, you’re keeping your child beautiful and not subjecting her or yourself to an abuser. Block them all and move forward.
My mother was the same way. Difference is that I am now in my late 60’s. We were suppose to “respect” our parents. I was stand offish as an adult. I didn’t have kids until I was 32 & 34. I allowed them to be around her because I knew she’d make a better grandmother than she did a mom. I had such a great relationship with my maternal grandmother that I wanted my kids to have that special tie. She died at 87 & they all think she was the greatest thing. Play it by ear.
Stand your ground! She’s trouble!
Do what you know is best. Very few horrible parents that never took accountability suddenly become amazing grandparents.
I let my family convince me to give my father (that abandoned us) a chance to be in my kids’ lives. He was great for about a year. Then he got tired of it and stopped reaching out. It sucked to have to explain why their grandparent suddenly ignored them.
Your Mom may be better. But if you don’t see any signs of it, protect your child. It’s not worth having to explain your parent’s bad behavior.
NTA. She doesn’t even want a do over. She wants to play with a baby whose responsibility is on someone else.
And about your aunt, where was she when you were being abused? You didn’t deserve a good experience? Or she didn’t notice? Because if she’s so stupid she didn’t notice a kid suffering for 18 years maybe she shouldn’t feel experienced enough to talk
I think you have every right not to let her be involved in your child’s life. She was not good to you, and your child shouldn’t have to go through that. Thankfully, she has you to protect her.
nta it’s your choice.
You are breaking a generational cycle by keeping your child away from someone who you know to be toxic.
My mom is allowed to see my kids one weekend a year and never alone. That’s it. She endangered my child while they were in her care and traumatized my oldest in the process. She lost her grandma privileges.
If she claims she’s changed, what has she done to show that to you? Seems odd to claim that if she’s crying victim while continuing to verbally abuse and insult you. What proof has she shown you over the years? It doesn’t sound like there’s been any accountability on her part or attempt to help you heal.
Keep strong! I am on your side.
NTA. You’re showing your baby more love than your mom showed you. Don’t fall for her manipulation tactics, a spot in your child’s life is earned, not something anyone is automatically entitled to just because they share some blood with you.
If creating a good safe healthy life for your baby (and by extension yourself) means your mom isn’t part of it (or only has limited access), that’s a good and loving thing to do
NTA
Your child, your choice. And, IMHO, it’s a good one.
Congratulations on the new baby girl. Good for you for protecting her.
NTA, protect your child.
If she acted like that with her own daughter, you are not taking anything away from your daughter. NTA.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I believe in forgiveness.
💯this is exactly right. People don’t get to rewrite your history or dismiss your pain as history because they don’t want to deal with it. There are some hurts that are unforgivable. That level of emotional harm and neglect on a child by their own mother is unforgivable. Take care of your daughter. Your egg donor is just that. Nothing more. You probably have a closer, more respectful relationship with your local barista.
NDA. Sure, if it were up to your mother, you’d just forget everything and let her be grandma now. But actions have consequences. No one is entitled to a grandchild. If you can’t believe her, trust your own instincts. Your daughter might miss out on having a relationship with her grandmother — but not every relationship is worth preserving just for the sake of it.
✨NTA✨The only memories you have of your horrible 🚨AH Mother🚨is her being abusive to you. Why would you want that monster anywhere near your child. Op CUT THE LINE COMPLETELY! Block her and anyone else who thinks that ABUSIVE WOMAN should be a part of your life. Your child deserves a HEALTHY upbringing and that woman (even if she got help) doesn’t deserve that chance at all. Op Protect your family from that miserable woman. BLOCK HER FULLY AND COMPLETELY! Along with her choir of enablers. This is the only way you can heal and your child can grow up without these abusive people in your life. 🔆YOU GOT THIS OP! ✨NTA✨💯
NTA, did she even apologize or did she go straight to the “woe is me” act?
NTA
Above all caring for and protecting your child should be the priority.
She is not entitled to your child. She fucked up and takes no responsibility, so she gets no forgiveness. No second chance.
If this were a parent. The court would have determined she is unfit. This doesn’t change just because she’s a grandma. She’s still a danger to a child. I wouldn’t want my kid around her. If other people need supervised visits so does she, if you even chose to let them build a relationship.
Good for you. Grandmother is not a right it is a privilege. You didn’t treat me right so I have to assume you will not treat my baby right.
The fact that she promptly threw a venomous tantrum when you told her no is your answer. She’s exactly who you think she is. As for your aunt, make a list of your mother’s top ten attacks and insults, send the list to auntie dearest and ask her if she can say, honestly, that any of those things are “beautiful.” If she cannot, she needs to mind her own business and never bring this up again, or she will also be denied the privilege of knowing your child.
NTA, and ask your Aunt “Exactly what is beautiful about emotional and mental abuse? The scars it leaves, the therapy bills, the pain it causes, the tears that are shed. Name ONE thing about it that is. She hasn’t changed, at all, if she had she would have responded with understanding. Instead she IMMEDIATELY went back to the insults.”
NTA. Your mother emotionally and verbally abused you to the point that you ran away at 14 and left home as soon as you turned 18, she had almost TWO DECADES to make things right and she didn’t, and then didn’t bother to call you more than once a year in the past 12 years. She had 30 YEARS to try to make things right, apologize and change and she didn’t move a finger, now she wants to start over as a grandma? Hell no. She had her chance at having a child in her life and she screwed it up, she doesn’t get to play dotting grandma and pretend she didn’t make her daughter’s life miserable.
Next time she tells you she changed, asked her, HOW, HOW did she change, cause in 30 years she never bothered to apologize to you not become a better mother, she kept abusing you to the point you ran away when you were a child, that should have been her wake up call, instead she told you to stop being dramatic. She did NO EFFORT in becoming a better mother to you, and she had 30 fricking YEARS to do so. And if she tells you “it will be different with the baby”, NO, she doesn’t get a clean start with the baby when she NEVER bothered to fix her mess with you, heck, how can you be sure she won’t screw your daughter up too?
And tell your auntie about the “you’re taking something beautiful away from your daughter”, WHERE was that attitude when your mother took your childhood away by being an abusive POS to you? You’re not taking anything away from your daughter, you’re protecting her.
Hello ChatGPT.
NTA. She had her chance. She blew it. She shouldn’t get to meet her grandchildren.
Protecting your child is doing the right thing. My wife will soon give birth to our first. Her biological mother knowingly allowed her to be abused physically and otherwise. She exposed her to dangerous people and drugs and everything else. In the 15 years we have been together, bio mom has repeatedly attempted to destroy our marriage. When we found out my wife was pregnant, a choice was made to completely block her from our lives and not allow her any access.
My father? A raging alcoholic and drug user with whips and chains hanging from every corner of his room. The only way to get to visit with him is to go to his home where he will lay in bed and talk to you. If you’re lucky he is clothed. We won’t take our child there either, although because he has not been dangerous we would allow him to visit, supervised only.
Now, because we are believers, we would under very, very strict, controlled, and supervised circumstances change that tune with her mom, but there would have to be soul changing changes in her for that to happen and we aren’t holding our breath.
We don’t have to send our children to the same monsters that hurt us. It’s not a “beautiful thing” to put your child in a bad situation. People that push the but family thing often had healthy families & can’t or won’t understand.
NTA
I would tell her that your not healed from what she put you through (it does not matter if your are or not, claim you aren’t), and you refuse to risk your child for her to convince herself that she wasn’t a horrible parent. Then calmly tell her you are recording this part of the phone call and you are asking her to stop harassing you, as she is not going to be part of your child’s life. If you want to cut her off completely, change that to part of your life, and then block her number. If your aunt calls again, answer with “this call is being recorded for my mental health and protection.” And if Aunt keeps pushing for you to let your mom see your child calmly tell her that this is not a conversation you are open to, and you need her to stop bringing it up, or you will be asking her to stop contacting you as well.
And get a program that auto records all phone calls on your phone. That way you have proof if you need a no contact order after blocking them.
NTA, no matter what your motivation, you can only use your past experience moving forward. Enjoy your daughter….she’ll get everything she needs without your mother in her life!
Maybe do test runs
15 mind no drama for a few times. Then try 30 mins. But if she acts up.. no contact for a long while. See if she really is trying. If not, you do what you need to do for your child. But try to find a grandma person on 6 your life.
NTA She has the relationship with you that she built. Kids are hard-wired to love and need their parents. It takes a lot to break that bond.
It always amazes me that people like this (including my father) understand that they can’t treat strangers like this if they want to keep them in their lives but for some reason they believe family should always come back.
Good for you girl, you are breaking a cycle. It’s hard and feels uncomfortable but anyone is capable of growth and she has not.
NTA, going to your aunt rather than just accepting your decision shows that she hasn’t changed.
A pity that your aunt wasn’t worried about what your mother was taking away from you by hating you. Pity that she wouldn’t stand up for you when you needed protection from your mother. NTA.
Be a momma bear and protect your baby. Doesn’t matter what any other people says or think. Your child is yours, no one else’s. Have zero mf regret that my father doesn’t know my 25 yo daughter. I kept all the abusive and toxic people away from her and imagine that, she grew up to be kind, loving, respectful and productive without trash in her life. I hope you can do the same. Why care about her tears? Where was her concern for your tears as a child, or lack of caring when you ran away. She didn’t gaf so dgaf about her bs now.
NTA. My mom was the same way and I tried. My oldest is 21 and my youngest is 8. There were some questionable moments but mostly she was good. She had finally admitted she had problems and was on medication. About three years ago she was visiting and going to watch the kids while we went away for a few days and I was having doubts about the way she was speaking to them. Nothing major but just more negative and reminded me of when I was younger. We took the trip as planned and nothing major happened but I was sick to my stomach and feeling so selfish and I still want to kick myself. They were never in physical danger but we have only seen each other at large family gatherings since then.
NTA Congratulations on your baby. Live your best life.
NTA. Your egg donor has zero right to demand a relationship here. You are protecting your child and your egg donor had ample opportunity to apologize and try to rehabilitate the egg donor – daughter relationship. Your aunt can pound sand too.
The way that she responded to you and then sent in her flying monkeys to continue to bully and pressure you just proves that she has done anything but change.
I am sorry but you are grown act like it. You gave no idea how your mom was raised. I bet it was a loud house yelling can be damaging but at your age you are just being selfish and sounds to my like spoiled. A selfish spoiled person keeps things out of Rhee reach of others as a way to get back at them. You can’t go backwards but you can forgive and move n. The person you hurt the worst is tour child.
NTA. I would tell Aunt that you are not taking away something beautiful from your child, your are protecting her from the same verbal and emotional abuse you experienced growing up. Ask your aunt what was so beautiful about that and why did any of your family fail to step in and protect you? You don’t owe any of them a relationship with your child.
You are NTA. Your mom was a terrible mother to you. She does not get the chance to be a terrible grandmother to your daughter. She has not owned up to her own shortcomings as a mother and never tried to make it right or even apologize. Cut her out of your life and never look back. You dont owe her a damn thing.
Protect your peace. Just block those who don’t understand or try to assert themselves.
I say this a someone who has a loving and healthy relationship with their mother AFTER she got sober( 18years now) and took full accountability for her actions in my childhood. We are proof that healing can happen but not with rug sweeping. We both have to correct her sister sometimes when she tries to downplay things.
NTA
Don’t allow your aunt or cousin to take pics of your daughter or to babysit. Keep them on information diet about your journey as a mother. They need to respect your wishes. Or you will find they will sending pics to your mum or inviting her over when they babysit.
She has not changed. At all.
NTA. Stay no contact and tell your aunt if she says anything again, she’s cut off too.
Nope. 💯 NTA. Your mom can reap what she sowed.
Also, might want to inform family it’s between you and her. Periodt
Does your mother deserve a second chance? I think not! A leopard doesn’t change its spots. No matter how much she may be on her best behavior right now you can be assured that the narcissism will come out eventually.
You’d only be TA if you exposed your baby to her. You’re completely right – she does not get to play grandma now you’ve had a child when she was no mother to you.
When she says you’re cruel, you should tell her ‘well you should know…’ then hang up.
Where was this aunt when her sister was being a disgusting POS to her own kid?! She can fuck off too!
Your child will not miss a thing not knowing these people.
Lock down your social media and block anyone who advocates for your egg donor.
NTA.
It doesn’t show a whole lot of emotional maturity when they expect the benefits of a relationship they did not earn. With no prior apology and plan for healing in your relationship, it’s crazy she expects you to sacrifice your feelings for her happiness- again.
If your mom is in daughter’s life that means mom is in your like. Until she repairs your relationship/takes ownership/shows changes etc (if that’s even possible) she’ll need to wait on beginning a relationship with your child.
That’s not punishment that is setting clear boundaries for what you expect from those in your child’s life.
Good for you at getting away. Protect your child. I doubt that your mother has changed. She may be nice at first, but the anger and abuse will eventually come out. She doesn’t get or deserve a do-over. Children should be cherished. Here’s a big grandma hug to you.
NTA, she has not changed. Block her.
NTA. Often times then not they’ll see the relationship with the grandchild as a ‘second’ chance to show you they were good but seeing this relationship will only further hinder your feelings.
You were cruel!! That’s exactly what she deserved!! Good for you.
Updateme
Where was your aunt when you were being abused as a child?
Grandparents don’t have the same set of responsibilities as a parent so their role is different. Don’t deprive your daughter just keep an eye on your mom.
NTA. An abusive grandma isn’t something “beautiful” that she would be missing out on.
Or in the worst case scenario, she would actually be a good grandma, but since she hasn’t taken any accountability for how she treated you, she would most likely try to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.
She would probably also not respect any of your parenting decisions. So letting her back into your and your child’s life is a losing proposition for you. Better to cut her off for good.
Notice it’s still all about what she wants. You’re NTA.