My boyfriend (23m) thinks that I’m (22f) an asshole. In essence, last year about a month before we got together, I went to Iceland with my aunt. We went to a hot spring and there was a public changing room without private rooms. I was uncomfortable as I don’t like changing in front of people and messaged my now bf to tell him just in case it was an issue. He assured me there wasn’t an issue and I covered myself to the best of my ability and changed behind a towel. Now again; this was a year ago. Today however, the topic somehow came up of changing in front of others and I mentioned how I don’t like changing rooms personally, he said “but you did it anyway” and I repeated that there wasn’t really another option. Now all the sudden, a year later, he is mad about this, and moreover, has said that his new boundary is that I’m not allowed to go to Iceland or go to anywhere that requires a changing room because “the only reason I want to go at all is so I can have an orgy with foreigners” again, also with my aunt. I am baffled by this and genuinely feel like that’s a crazy boundary that I would never expect of him. I can understand not wanting me to change in front of other guys, but saying I want to have an orgy with foreigners because I had to get changed in a dressing room with other women feels extreme. He’s fairly insistent I’m in the wrong here so I don’t know; am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend I cannot comply with his boundary that I am not allowed to go to Iceland or any public changing area?
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My boyfriend (23m) thinks that I’m (22f) an asshole. In essence, last year about a month before we got together, I went to Iceland with my aunt. We went to a hot spring and there was a public changing room without private rooms. I was uncomfortable as I don’t like changing in front of people and messaged my now bf to tell him just in case it was an issue. He assured me there wasn’t an issue and I covered myself to the best of my ability and changed behind a towel. Now again; this was a year ago. Today however, the topic somehow came up of changing in front of others and I mentioned how I don’t like changing rooms personally, he said “but you did it anyway” and I repeated that there wasn’t really another option. Now all the sudden, a year later, he is mad about this, and moreover, has said that his new boundary is that I’m not allowed to go to Iceland or go to anywhere that requires a changing room because “the only reason I want to go at all is so I can have an orgy with foreigners” again, also with my aunt. I am baffled by this and genuinely feel like that’s a crazy boundary that I would never expect of him. I can understand not wanting me to change in front of other guys, but saying I want to have an orgy with foreigners because I had to get changed in a dressing room with other women feels extreme. He’s fairly insistent I’m in the wrong here so I don’t know; am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend I cannot comply with his boundary that I am not allowed to go to Iceland or any public changing area?
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> My boyfriend (23m) thinks that I’m (22f) an asshole. In essence, last year about a month before we got together, I went to Iceland with my aunt. We went to a hot spring and there was a public changing room without private rooms. I was uncomfortable as I don’t like changing in front of people and messaged my now bf to tell him just in case it was an issue. He assured me there wasn’t an issue and I covered myself to the best of my ability and changed behind a towel. Now again; this was a year ago. Today however, the topic somehow came up of changing in front of others and I mentioned how I don’t like changing rooms personally, he said “but you did it anyway” and I repeated that there wasn’t really another option. Now all the sudden, a year later, he is mad about this, and moreover, has said that his new boundary is that I’m not allowed to go to Iceland or go to anywhere that requires a changing room because “the only reason I want to go at all is so I can have an orgy with foreigners” again, also with my aunt. I am baffled by this and genuinely feel like that’s a crazy boundary that I would never expect of him. I can understand not wanting me to change in front of other guys, but saying I want to have an orgy with foreigners because I had to get changed in a dressing room with other women feels extreme. He’s fairly insistent I’m in the wrong here so I don’t know; am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend I cannot comply with his boundary that I am not allowed to go to Iceland or any public changing area?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Dump the controlling freak you call a bf. Seriously??!
NTA This is a big red flag. Run girl run
I’m going to take this at face value, but obviously NTA and you should sever immediately. This is a very weird turn of events from the bf and disturbing behavior. Also it’s not a boundary, it’s an attempt at control.
NTA and for him to have held it in for this long means there’s other issues he has. Feels like the start of someone who will become pretty controlling (if he isn’t already) down the line.
girl, he is a walking red-flag factory
BF is an AH; you W B T A H if you pay attention to what that little boy says. Tell him to grow the fuck up.
You’re an adult, not a little girl that needs permission from anyone for anything. I’d immediately plan a trip to Iceland (even if only pretending), with trips to every one of their spas; and make sure you let him know you’re only taking a wash cloth for a towel. Then kick his stupid ass to the curb if doesn’t grow up.
NTA and this is a huge red flag. The fact that you felt the need to text him to tell him about a perfectly normal part of a spa is wild. He’s obviously said/done things before that you didn’t notice were hella controlling to make you feel that was necessary. Do YOU not feel comfortable changing in front of others, or do you feel concerned because your boyfriend is uncomfortable with it? Leave this person.
NTA. That’s grossly controlling behavior. Not something you should be tolerating.
I’m concerned you texted him and asked for permission the first time?! Girl what is that? You might want to examine why you thought that was a healthy mindset to have before getting into another relationship.
This makes no sense.
A year ago, before you were with this bf, you were uncomfortable about a situation so you texted this same bf “just in case it was an issue”.
Were you texting a friend for his view? If so, then what could have possibly happened that would have become an “issue” for a friend? What purpose did the check-in text serve? If the then-friend, now-boyfriend had replied that it was a problem would you have left sauna that you were attending on a different continent?
Not boundaries.
Power and control. Abuse.
You deserve better.
NTA
You guys have some figuring out to do, I don’t know if he was just having a bad day and just said some things in the heat of the moment, or if he’s always this controlling.
If he is indeed, always this controlling and manipulative, then this relationship doesn’t sound healthy.
Why did you feel the need to text him about your clothe changing situation during your trip in the first place? Thats just how it works there, why did you feel you needed his blessing to do so? I really don’t like the sound of that.
You messaged him before he was even your boyfriend. Why? Was he controlling even at that stage? Accusing you of orgies is a sign that you have to leave now. NTA.
NTA
Also: this is not what a boundary is. A boundary is something he does not want you to do to him or with him and that has consequences. For instance: you are not allowed to tell him he is an asshat. If you do, he tells you next time he will cry you a river.
Why does he think he has a right to:
No swimming pools? No sauna? No spa day? No Iceland vacation?
I have more questions for your boyfriend than I have for a new client during an intake…
NTA. Leave him. Wtf. Changing rooms are ubiquitous. Are you also not allowed to go to a doctor because they’ll see your bits? Are you not allowed to get a bikini wax? What kind of effing controlling nonsense is this?
And also please get some help. This concern about nudity and the need for his approval is indicative of a concerning amount of anxiety.
NTA
Honestly, nudity is not considered taboo in a lot of European/Scandinavian countries. It’s quite normal for a whole extended family to be naked in a hot spring together. Lots of European changing rooms are mixed gender and nudity is common. I grew up with this as the norm and the US attitude towards nudity is alien.
Drop the little boy from your life and go experience other cultures. You will benefit massively from the different viewpoints.
How did you type this out and not see the issue your boyfriend has, run as fast as you can he is not worth the time or effort to date.
OP: RUN! Don’t walk! Dump this jerk, it will only get worse in time. He’s a mental.
NTA
This is not a boundary. This is coercive control.
This man is a walking red flag. He is behaving like he owns you.
You are “allowed” to do anything you want to do. If this control freak doesn’t like that, he knows where the door is.
YTA to yourself.
Break up with this turd immediately. He already had you freakishly gaslit to be calling for permission to use a changing room to begin with. Is this post even real? Is this a power exchange kink gone wrong?
NTA. It’s gross controlling behaviour from him. Big red flags.
INFO: Was it an all-gender changing room? I’m trying to understand why he needed to be consulted on this.
NTA
It’s giving “the worst guy you know learned therapy talk and is now using it to abuse his girlfriend”. That’s not a boundary. That’s a rule. There’s a huge difference.
My concern about you is why would you feel you need to text him about what you’re doing?
Are you an adult if you are then act like one
NTA
What? Dude don’t even bother with this guy. Boundaries don’t mean what you two think they mean. A boundary is YOU deciding you don’t change in change rooms because YOURE uncomfortable, not him banning you from travel because he thinks you want to have an orgy.
Please, if this is real, just break up with him. People like him don’t suddenly start being normal, if they change it’s only through lots of therapy and conscious self awareness, that doesn’t happen while they are in a relationship. If you stay your life with him will be tedious, frustrating and controlled.
Your boyfriend isn’t making sense. NTA, go do what you want to do.
He’s your boyfriend, not your owner! You need to find someone who sees you as a partner, not as a chattel. He will not get better. Run, do not walk away!
NTA. If he has you genuinely concerned questioning whether you’re the AH here I’d be concerned about that and make sure to talk to friends and family about how things are going with him frequently so they can let you know if/when he’s being controlling and gaslighting.
NTA and leave his ass. this won’t get better op.
Your boyfriend doesn’t get to dictate what you are “allowed” or “not allowed” to do. You are a person, not property.
Think about what you would say to a loved one who was in a relationship with someone who tried controlling them. What would you say?
Your boyfriend is the asshole amd also unhinged.
He’s cheating on you
NTA WTH. A year later? How tedious . I don’t get this at all. This relationship is worth nonsense like this?
NTA – your boyfriend is getting weirdly possessive. Are there other areas where he’s behaving like this? You are correct that changing rooms are not orgies – that is ridiculous.
Are… are you sure he’s not just teasing you? If after a year he’s just suddenly concerned that you’re going to go have a random ass orgy with strangers, he owes you an explanation.
But this reads like he made a bad joke and you didn’t get it, or you’ve been ignoring this behavior for a year now and this time it’s just too much?
Change boyfriend
NTA, this isn’t his new boundary, it is control.
NTA. This thing where people attempt to control their partners to avoid dealing with or even verbalizing their own insecurities has got to go. Dump him. Don’t waste time arguing with him about whether his expectations are reasonable (they really, really aren’t) or whether he can work on his issues (he’ll claim to, but he won’t). Just dump him and go someplace awesome.
NTA. That is not a boundary, that is an attempt to control another person (you). My husband and I went to Iceland and went to a hot spring with very open changing areas. I chose to change. He decided to skip the hot spring, but he didn’t attempt to dictate my behavior. Accusing you of having orgies is ridiculous!
NTA
This panic to be seen naked in a public changing room is very American.
I bet no-one even looked at you.
I’m so sorry girl but I am cackling at your bf’s immaturity. You are so obviously NTA here, and I’m so sorry you have been made to feel like one.
You did absolutely nothing wrong by enjoying your time in Iceland. The only thing I would say is that you ought not to have considered anyone’s comfort other than your own when determining how to navigate a situation that you were not 100% comfortable with. You changed under a towel and made it work for YOU. That’s all that matters.
As for your bf, he is misusing the concept of boundaries to make it seem like his attempt at controlling you is legit. He can set a boundary for what he will and won’t do, but boundaries are for the person setting them, NOT OTHER PEOPLE. He can’t set a “boundary” around your actions. He can say he won’t change in public places, but he cannot tell you what to do.
This is a weird story. Why would anyone equate a changing room with having an orgy? And why would you ask him for permission if you weren’t even together? Either way, no, your boyfriend cannot tell you what you can and cannot do.
NTA. And I’m a little concerned that before you were bf and gf, you “messaged my now bf to tell him just in case it was an issue.” There should be no issue for something as innocuous as changing in front of others at a hot spring. That is very controlling behavior and he is now escalating it. He’s turning up the heat and you need to hop out of this pot, like, yesterday. This is not a boundary. (I’m also repulsed at him saying this knowing you were there with your aunt.)
NTA. But he is. It called projection. He’s being an AH so he calls you one to deflect from him. He’s got major issues. This is not a healthy relationship. You should think about cutting your losses. It will probably get worse.
NTA. Your boyfriend is weird
For fuck sake, dump him
Is he cheating or breaking agreed upon boundaries? Because it sounds like a whole bunch of projection!!
Let’s break this down:
Before you were even officially together, you reached out to make sure you changing in a public changing room wasn’t “an issue” for him. You were uncomfortable with changing in front of others but rather than seek support from him, you checked to make sure he was okay.
Now a year later, he has weaponized this situation against you and is making wild claims that you want to have orgies with strangers, failing to acknowledge your discomfort with dressing in front of others.
Which leads me to these questions: How else does he try to impose so called boundaries on you that are just controlling behaviors? How often does he fail to support you emotionally and fail validate your feelings?
And most importantly: Why don’t you put yourself first?
NTA I hope you mean ex boyfriend. Anyone who suddenly not only takes away your agency to decide your level of comfort but also directly implies you are trying to have orgies is not the person to stay with.
If you let him win this boundary, he’ll just start enforcing other random things to help his own insecurity and limit your life.
NTA. He’s a control freak and doesn’t respect you. In my opinion you shouldn’t have even told him you had to change in a communal room, in a way asking for permission from him.
I bet your bf is cheating. I’m sorry. Run while you are ahead. NTA
I’m sorry but who the fuck is he to tell you you aren’t allowed to do anything?
NTA.
Move on and find someone worthwhile.
dump him!
NTA. He has issues and these issues should be major red flags to you. Ditch him. You deserve much better.
His “boundary” isn’t a boundary but controlling behavior. Coersive control is a form of (emotional) abuse.
You don’t need his permission to go to Iceland with your aunt. You don’t need his permission to change in a public changing room, even if it’s a gender combined one.
Boundaries aren’t about what you think other people should do or behave. Boundaries are about yourself. About your own behavior and what you will or will not do in a specific situation.
If you aren’t comfortable to change in a shared changing room, you can choose not to do it. That choice is all yours, not his.
NTA.
NTA. Dump him. If he is that insecure now it will only get worse. Save yourself the trouble and toss him.
dump the mfer
NTA. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do or where you go. Where you should go is out of his life. You deserve better