I am 32M, and 8 years ago, from a short fling, I have a son. My son’s mother was a single mother of 2 at the time, and has had one more kid after then. My son is 7. It was a messy ordeal at first, and I was convinced he wasn’t my kid, but DNA test, yadda yadda, and it was proved he was my kid. She didn’t sue me for child support, as she didn’t have the funds, but I was not gonna let my son grow up without money, so we have an agreement. I pay her around 3-4k a month(I work sales and get a bonus yearly, so I pay more during the holiday season) and I make mid 100k range, so it is more than what the court would have ordered, but I want to be fair. She has said sometimes she uses my money on her other kids, and that is whatever. All this to say, I think I am pretty fair.
Whenever I go bring a meal to my kid, or give him a console(a Switch 2 recently), I tell him to share it with his siblings or I bring them a meal too so they can all eat together. I even give them all presents for their bday, so they don’t feel left out when I only give presents to my kid. I am not a holier-than-thou guy; I just want him to have a good relationship with his siblings, and if money and gifts allow that, I am okay with it. Last thing I want is his siblings to resent him for favoritism. Once his mom and I are gone, they will be his only family, which is why I treat them well, and even let my money being used for his other siblings slide. His sister has a father who tries his best. I will call him Mark(36M). Recently, he reached out to me, and said when I bring gifts for my son, he would prefer it if my son did not share them, and if I could stop giving gifts to his daughter. So, apparently, his daughter(13) is now comparing him to me, and is saying that I give her better gifts or whatever, and see them more. She apparently said she wishes I was her dad? I told Mark that I will see what I can do, but now I feel kinda bad. Mark is the only other father who is genuinely trying, from what I can tell, and maybe I set the standards too high. My son’s mother made the mistake of telling his daughter that I also fund some of their lifestyle, since I pay the most in child support. I feel bad about all this. The girl seemed kinda sweet, so I am suprised she would say things like this to her dad. She helps my son with his HW, and is a good older sister to him, so I feel like I have been treating her as she treats my kid. Nothing more, nothing less. Idk why my son’s mother brought financial information to her kids, and now idk what to do about Mark. I don’t wanna change how I treat my sons siblings, because I don’t want him to have a bad relationship with them. My parents treated my younger brother better than me and I have a not-so-great relationship with him now cuz of that, and I just don’t want the same for my kid.
So AITA for going above and beyond, just for the sake of my son being treated better by his siblings at the cost of Mark and his daughters relationship?
Edit: Seeing comments about making a trust fund and college stuff for my son. Just wanted to put this out there(I also made a comment explaining) he does have a trust and a 529 plan. His mother is not aware of these, but he does have these, and money is going here aside from the money I give her. I was helped through college by my folks, and I plan on doing the same for him. Also, I own the apartment I live in, and he will be receiving it. He is also included my parents will as well, with a separate trust they have given him, in which I will be the guarantor until he is 25.
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I am 32M, and 8 years ago, from a short fling, I have a son. My son’s mother was a single mother of 2 at the time, and has had one more kid after then. My son is 7. It was a messy ordeal at first, and I was convinced he wasn’t my kid, but DNA test, yadda yadda, and it was proved he was my kid. She didn’t sue me for child support, as she didn’t have the funds, but I was not gonna let my son grow up without money, so we have an agreement. I pay her around 3-4k a month(I work sales and get a bonus yearly, so I pay more during the holiday season) and I make mid 100k range, so it is more than what the court would have ordered, but I want to be fair. She has said sometimes she uses my money on her other kids, and that is whatever. All this to say, I think I am pretty fair.
Whenever I go bring a meal to my kid, or give him a console(a Switch 2 recently), I tell him to share it with his siblings or I bring them a meal too so they can all eat together. I even give them all presents for their bday, so they don’t feel left out when I only give presents to my kid. I am not a holier-than-thou guy; I just want him to have a good relationship with his siblings, and if money and gifts allow that, I am okay with it. Last thing I want is his siblings to resent him for favoritism. Once his mom and I are gone, they will be his only family, which is why I treat them well, and even let my money being used for his other siblings slide. His sister has a father who tries his best. I will call him Mark(36M). Recently, he reached out to me, and said when I bring gifts for my son, he would prefer it if my son did not share them, and if I could stop giving gifts to his daughter. So, apparently, his daughter(13) is now comparing him to me, and is saying that I give her better gifts or whatever, and see them more. She apparently said she wishes I was her dad? I told Mark that I will see what I can do, but now I feel kinda bad. Mark is the only other father who is genuinely trying, from what I can tell, and maybe I set the standards too high. My son’s mother made the mistake of telling his daughter that I also fund some of their lifestyle, since I pay the most in child support. I feel bad about all this. The girl seemed kinda sweet, so I am suprised she would say things like this to her dad. She helps my son with his HW, and is a good older sister to him, so I feel like I have been treating her as she treats my kid. Nothing more, nothing less. Idk why my son’s mother brought financial information to her kids, and now idk what to do about Mark. I don’t wanna change how I treat my sons siblings, because I don’t want him to have a bad relationship with them. My parents treated my younger brother better than me and I have a not-so-great relationship with him now cuz of that, and I just don’t want the same for my kid.
So AITA for going above and beyond, just for the sake of my son being treated better by his siblings at the cost of Mark and his daughters relationship?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I raised the bar for Mark by giving presents to his kids due to my financial ability being better than his and allowing me to do so 2) I did it purely for my sons sake, and now it is affecting(or is it effecting) his relationship with his daughter.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA so when you kid gets another gift you’ll say “share with siblings a and b but not c cause her dad said no”?
Nta. You’re doing the right thing
NTA. You’re doing a good thing for your son and it’s kind of you to help your son’s siblings. You should talk to your son’s mom though and let her know 1) you’re gonna keep on doing what you’ve been doing and 2) to stop talking about the money you send her because her yapping about it is causing issues.
Not AH. Just the opposite.
this is a tricky one for sure. i would cautiously say NTA, because in times of doubt, the right thing to do is try and prioritise the kids, and that’s what you’re doing. it definitely wouldn’t be right for you to pull back on your own involvement with your son so another dad doesn’t feel inferior in comparison. that’s on him to step up. but i would say that if this is not handled delicately, it could still end up in resentment between the siblings. maybe it’s time for a little family therapy between you all.
NTA but Mark has a valid complaint. Can you work with him? Find a middle ground where he feels comfortable? You’ve explained yourself well here, so you could do the same with Mark. I’m sure his daughter’s words stabbed him through the heart.
The AH here is your ex. She needs to be held accountable for the harm she’s done by running her mouth about money to her children. You have a ton of leverage here. Use it for the greater good and make her clean up her mess. This is a great spot for you and Mark to stand united, for the good of all the children.
Edited to add: Perhaps lean into experiences over gifts with the other children. I’m thinking a “Double the Dads Day”, where you and Mark take all the kids to dinner and a movie, skating, paintball, whatever you can come up with. Kids really want your time more than anything else.
I was hurt as a child by the attention given my step sister after my father remarried. It came from her grandparents, but my father ignored it, and though I’m 65 now, it’s still one of my most painful memories. You are a good man for doing what you’re doing. A bit of a tweak can really turn this situation from a mild negative to a resounding positive for all concerned.
NTA, but Mark is a bit misguided though well intentioned. It’s obvious you both care about all the children, perhaps obviously giving preference to yours.
I’d recommend talking to him, your ex, and coming to an agreement and talking all of you to his daughter. You can even take an activity, all of you together… In a way, it seems he needs help being closer, but the sort of guy that would be rather proud to openly ask.
It is an odd family arrangement, but at the end of the day, the children are what matters.
I am in a similar situation. I have two children, and the moms have another child each, and I try to keep all of them in consideration.
Nta at all. Mark needs a better job and some therapy for his inferiority complex.
Keep being a great dad, a great coparent and a fine example of what a decent person is.to
Those kids 🙏
Nta
NTA. I think that great you help your son.
1)Do you familiar with Mike? What if you explained your thoughts and see what you can do about his valid opinion impact with daughter.
I wonder how your son feels about this?
NTA
Can you explain Mark your reasons for acting the way you do? That you felt unfairly treated as a child?
In general, your money and attitude towards your son‘s half siblings improve their life and the only problem was created when their mother was blabbering about money issues to her daughter because it distorts the picture of her dad
I think its lovely that you include the other kids.
Perhaps tone down what you spend on ALL of them, take the excess you would have spent and put it in a trust fund for your son.
This way you are still gifting your son, but the ones everyone else sees is more in line with someone who has a smaller income. The rest is going to a trust for his future. Something he will VERY much appreciate in a few years, and possibly his whole life.
Also still buy for the other kids, but make things less expensive.
Your doing enough giving n her so much every month as that really helps her keep a good roof over all their heads in a safe neighborhood.
You’re a good guy, and your heart is in the right place. Your reasoning for doing what you’re doing is sound.
NTA and maybe talk with Mark and see how the 2 of u can find of medium cause no offense mom is not impressing me.
Explain why you do it this way (want siblings to be real family, dont want resentment to build up, grew up where 1 kid was favored, dont want your son to grow up with an attitude etc)
Nta. Honestly Mark’s feelings arent and shouldnt be as important to you as the relationship your son has with his siblings. Ive seen way too many fights between siblings over “my dad got me that so you cant use it/have any” its refreshing to see a dad doing right by all the kids. Its not their fault they got born into a messy situation, let them have some nice things
NTA just sounds like good parenting.
I think mark needs to have a conversation about money and means with his daughter as does her mother because she’s 13.
They can explain the situation to her and why you get gifts for her and she can understand why, she’s old enough.
I really commend you for your actions and the reasons for them.
Mark needs to understand cutting off your generosity at this point will only damage their relationship. He may not be able to match your financial contributions, but he can certainly put as much time and effort in to connecting with his daughter, in person or not. He should be thankful for your subsidies.
Keep up the great work, Dad. NTA
NTA. I think you are a very generous man and your ability to see the bigger picture is admirable. I can understand why Mark feels the way he does, especially with the way his daughter is comparing the two of you. Teenagers can be incredibly blind and cruel sometimes, we have all been there.
I think the daughter needs to be made aware that her behaviour is not ok, and that she is lucky that her brothers father is a generous man and although her father isn’t so well off as you he is still there for her instead of being a deadbeat. But that is a job for your sons mother. She is the one who should be stopping this attitude and helping her daughter to appreciate that she has a father in her life but also has the generosity of her brothers father.
This guy wants to deprive his daughter of the gifts you give her because he doesn’t want to look bad? you’re NTA but he definitely is
NTA. While I get that this dynamic is hard on Mark, hes not making himself look great by wanting financial support reduced for his daughter, or by trying to dictate her relationship with an adult who has been a kind and stable presense in her life.
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NTA, but I totally get where Mark is coming from. If you don’t think mom can stop from oversharing and you trust mark, I’d just start white lying to mom and say some of it comes from Mark/other dads.
NTA my husband has who has siblings. We always got them something too, at like Christmas time.
This dude daughter is gonna be even more upset with him if she finds out he complained
You are more than generous, which is lovely. Children are hyper-focussed on perceived injustices so daugther’s comments are typical for that age group. I see where Mark is coming from but you can’t stop your son from sharing gifts you give him with his siblings. The only AH here IMO is Mom who should have kept the finances to herself. My guess is she weaponized your kindness to use against Mark and, perhaps, you as well. NTA.
NTA. You are attempting to keep things balanced and minimize negative feelings between the children.
Stop telling your son to share his presents though. His property is allowed to be his property, it should not be a group gift. If something is meant to be used by the entire family, do not wrap it, do not give it to your son. Leave the item unwrapped, give it to baby mama and announce it as a group possession, like a TV for the living room.
By wrapping the present, giving it to your son and ordering him to share, you are patting yourself on the back and taking away “his” present at the same time. You are creating animosity when you claim you aren’t.
The bad guy here a.k.a. the asshole is the mother. Bad decisions all around. Four kids and probably four fathers. Kids do not need to know where our presence come from unless of course, they are presented by the giver. All those messy details should only be shared if absolutely necessary. That might be when the kids are or teenagers.
So you have a choice to keep doing things as you are doing, and that’s honorable, or to stop.
NTA
It might be a good thing if you were able to meet the other dad and grab a beer/coffee and talk it out.
I can understand why they could be made to feel uncomfortable with someone else doing more than they are able to. An understanding of your perspective, may give some reassurance.
Your ex could really do with being better about what she shares
NTA. Keep in mind, the sister is 13 years old, and at a rough age with hormones, peer pressure, school and activities. The comparison between adult dads isn’t that unusual and she may be playing 1 adult against the other. The mother may also be hearing something similar, like my best friend’s mother lets her do such and such, or the father gives my best friend xyz and why can’t I have this, too?
Sit down with the affected adults and see if some agreement can be put together.
Best wishes as you navigate the issue.
NTA
Your actions are very well intentioned and far more generous than the vast majority of absent fathers.
However, Mark does have a valid point. You said yourself that he does try, but can’t match your level of spending.
So why not N A H? Because the kids’ mother is the AH. She is playing you off against Mark in front of your kids.
She was totally wrong to disclose financial information like that to a 13yo child. Don’t believe that was a mistake. It was most likely a very calculated move to put Mark down.
My advice to you going forward is not to completely cut out the gifts to the other kids. But maybe tone it down a bit.
Your gifts to the kids don’t have to match what you spend on your own son. Just a small token to show that they are not excluded. Maybe a small box of chocolates or a little make up set or something.
You should continue to encourage your son to share with his siblings, as that will stand him in good stead in later life.
NTA see IDK how you could navigate this because it’s not just that gifts it’s the time you spend too.
NTA, your not only being a father to your son, but also a decent human being and not leaving the other kids out. Maybe you can talk to Mark man to man and come up with some type of agreement? Something that still benefits the kids but also saves face for Mark too? Sounds like he is trying to do the right thing, so meet him half way on this one.
NTA but I do think it’s insane you’re paying her that much in child support. My ex makes multiples of what you make and pays half that and I have primary custody. It is wonderful that you are taking care of your child, but it isn’t your job to buy groceries for the whole house and your ex didn’t need a lawyer to take you or her other baby daddies to court, she can file herself and hold each of them accountable. If you want to be there for your kid and not create these imbalances, I suggest paying child support according to the state guidelines and then taking on a larger percentage of the split for other things like medical and extra curriculars etc. Then with the leftover money I would start a 529 account for your son to pay for college so he isn’t left with loans or start a separate trust fund for him so that he can buy a house and start a business as a young adult.
NTA. Treating your son’s siblings as if you care about them is a GOOD thing.
I’d feel bad for that dad except for the part where his daughter says she sees YOU more than her own dad. it’s not just about money. It’s about time, commitment, and interactions.
Kids deserve to have caring adults in their lives, regardless of whether those adults are biologically related to them. Keep being kind to the children. Make sure you TELL the sister how much you appreciate her being such a good big sister to your son. And if Mark brings it up again, tell him his insecurities are not your responsibility and you will continue to treat your son’s siblings as just what they are–an important part of your son’s life.
NTA. Right thing to do in my opinion. Anything for your children’s sake! Love it!
NTA of course.
I would suggest just having a chat with her about your boundaries for what you want told to the kids, all of them as it clearly affects you and you wouldn’t want your kid to have special treatment. This could be a discussion about finances, and anything else you don’t think she should to be too open with them about (and she might have things for you too, be ready for that). This isn’t an accusation, just a request from a co-parent.
Next I’d talk to her about Mark, and if she asks why I’d just be honest. Maybe this is in line with his character or something. But really she shouldn’t be discussing finances with the kids, especially comparing dads (duh). Even if she’s just praising you she’s inadvertently putting you on a pedestal, and others may feel “lower” in status if they hear about this (which is what happened?).
It’s tough being the good guy sometimes but I’m sure you’ll figure it out!
NTA. You are a decadent dude, but dang you guys will f*ck some messy women.
I think if you stop giving her gifts it would definitely cause resentment. As for your son sharing his things, well, that’s just raising good kids. Of course kids should learn to share – not saying they need to share every single item 100% but sharing is important. I only brought toys to daycare I was wiling to share. I shared most of my things with my step brothers.
This sounds like this is a parenting issue between the mother of the kids and Mark. The daughter needs to be sat down and explained that life isn’t fair, that not everyone can make X amount of money to afford X amount of gifts. Cutting the daughter out like this would just breed resentment and would probably make her dislike Mark – especially if she found out why you stopped giving her stuff. I do agree with the commenters saying to make a trust fund or college fund for you son, though. That would give him a huge advantage in life. Either way I’m saying NTA.
NTA and you’re operating on a different mental plane than most because what you’re doing is not typical at all in these situations. Considering all the children and the future relationship your son will have with his siblings is such great parenting.
The dynamic between Mike/ex seems contentious and your ex is creating unnecessary division between the 13G/Mike. That’s less of your issue and more their issue, and telling you to tell your child not to share with his daughter wouldn’t be right or fair.
13G could use a lesson in manners (among other things) but I think her behavior is fueled more by whatever discontent her mother may have for Mike and a lot less to do with your generosity. 13G can feel grateful to you and be thankful for your gifts, but she doesn’t need to use it against her own father. That understanding will come (hopefully) with maturity.
Talk to Mike about where you’re coming from and if you’re comfortable figure out a compromise that feels good for both of you as active fathers but also fair to the sibling relationship of the kids.
NTA
He needs to step up his parenting game rather than trying to force you to lower yours.
He might feel better, but the kids would lose that exchange.
I swear I read the exact opposite of this post six months ago.
Nta. My dad was always good to my baby sister as well, and it set an excellent example
So she has four kids from at least three different men? You’re not the ahole, but Slutty McSlutterson needs to learn about birth control.
This can’t be real. A person who has a healthy co-parenting relationship with his child’s other parent and is good to their siblings. Sir, this is Reddit. Where’s the drama?
It’s with the other children’s parents and their relationship, is where it is.
You’re being very kind when you aren’t required to be. Let them sort that out amongst each other. If you scale back now, those kids will be disappointed and take it out on their other parents.
NTA
How could being nice make you the AH?
I think you’re a very nice guy keep doing what you are doing
NTA. It sounds like Mark needs to talk to someone, like a therapist, and not be jealous or upset that you’re trying to be fair to all the kids.
NTA Maybe he is really trying or maybe he could do more and isn’t so your generosity is sparking his conscience. In any case. What a 13 yo says in a moment isn’t the reality of the moment. You have given this thoughtful consideration and are truly doing whats best for everybody involved.
Keep doing what you are doing as it benefits everyone. Meanwhile be reminded, that love, thoughtfulness, concern, consideration, empathy, listening, and embracing another person for who they are is what builds a real relationship. That doesn’t cost a penny. Mark can do that. The daughter complained she doesn’t see Mark as much. That’s the cruxt of the matter. Mark needs to show up.
NTA. You seem like you’re doing your best to do right by your son and his siblings. That’s a good thing. It sucks that his mother decided to involve any of her kids in a discussion about the financial matters that should remain between her and their fathers. It’s completely unreasonable of Mark to ask you to tell your son not to share with his sibling. Keep doing what you’re doing. You don’t want to single out your son’s sister like this, and it’s really sad that her father would want that for her. I’d talk to your son’s mother about this and explain why you do what you do, and ask her to please not discuss your finances with the kids going forward. And, if any of the kids ever say anything directly to you about this, try to gently explain that you’re just fortunate enough to be able to do this, and that since they are your son’s siblings and important to him, you enjoy doing nice things for them. If Mark calls you again, just explain that you do this because you don’t want a needless disparity to cause conflict between your son and his siblings.
NAH
Obviously OP you are not the asshole for not only taking care of your kid, but also going out of your way to treat his mother and half siblings well.
I don’t think Mark is an AH for reacting more emotionally to what his daughter is saying- you say he’s a good dude and is trying to be involved in her life/have a relationship with her, it probably stings a lot when his daughter says things like that to him. I’m sure he wishes he could spend as much in his kid as you can- but those are the realities of life, someone is always gonna have more/have it better.
Daughter is slightly the AH, but only in the way all 13 year olds are. They push boundaries, don’t have impulse control, get frustrated easily. They do dickish things to get a reaction.
The adults – OP, Mark, and mom – need to sit down together and discuss how to handle. The answer isn’t for OP to become more miserly, but it might be for him to slightly decrease the price/value of gifts for a short period (think 3-6 months). If mom is making comments, even innocently, they fan the flames, she needs to cut it out. OP and mom could talk to their son about not flaunting expensive gifts- if that’s happening. Mom and Mark need to talk to their daughter about gratitude and being thankful for the things we do have. Money doesn’t equal love; point out all the things they/Mark does for her. Maybe Mark can spend more time with the daughter- quality time means a lot more than $$$.
Even if you do all these things, there might not be any changes in the daughter short term. Kids, especially tweens and teens, can be AH’s. Keep loving them; it’ll pay dividends in a few years.
NTA, but have a variation on this conversation with the mom and get an idea how much of your financial agreement the kids are aware of. That will give you a feel for what the appropriate response might be. People who are trying to do the right thing by everyone can sometimes overstep but you are handling things the way I would in that as long as your mutual kid is provided for and has what they need, and however she spends that money to make that happen is up to her.
For Mark’s request, that can quickly turn south on everyone involved. If you suddenly start treating the other kids differently there is bound to be resentment of your kid (for still getting things) which could turn on you or Mark. If Mark’s daughter finds out about his request, then she’ll blame him for it which may make things worse than he’s already dealing with.
Maybe talk it through with him, making sure he knows why you have been generous as you want those kids to feel like a family despite different parents and your concerns about doing what you can to strengthen their relationships. It may work out that you can slowly back off or maybe shift to experiences vs gifts (or whatever). If Mark is onboard with doing what you two can to make the kids as tight a family as possible, you two could partner up and plan things that allow both of you to be the hero. It doesn’t need to be a money thing, maybe more of an agreement not to step on each others toes whenever possible.
NTA you are not obliged to pay for his half siblings but you know what, I like you a lot. You’re thinking ahead, and your son will benefit from having good relations with his half siblings going forward.
It is not your fault if Mark and his daughter’s relationship is affected. That is a Mark problem.
In the event that you do end up getting her presents for her birthday or whatever, take your son with you and say that he picked the gift out.
One other thing, don’t make your son think that he must share everything he has, that he is a bad sibling if he wants to keep something to himself. While generosity is a wonderful thing, being made to do so a lot can result in an inferiority complex and/or inability to establish boundaries. Do not make him think that constant gifts are the best way to gain or retain the love of his other siblings.
NTA
honestly this is such a refreshing take to read on Reddit…a parent putting their child first and not treating other kids in the family as less than. I’m not saying that parents who only provide for their children are wrong in anyway, everyone does what they think is best for their kid but your coparenting relationship with your kids mum is admirable and it’s lovely you provide for them all.
Mark is trying his best for his kid and probably doesn’t earn as much as you and is doing his best, hearing your kid compare you so someone else must suck. It’s a hard one, maybe have a chat with your kids mum and see if she can have a talk with her daughter, teenagers are savages and she needs to realise that the things she says have consequences. You provide her nice gifts and a decent life now as an off shoot of her being your sons sibling but one they have grown and left home and establish their own lives your now going to be responsible for that…she needs to understand her mum and dad are her in her life for life not necessarily you (I say this incase she thinks you’ll pay for her further education/wedding/house)
NTA and OMG the world needs more people like you. What a kind, generous and fair way to include everyone. But I can also see it from Mark’s POV cause he can’t do as much and to him it looks like you are flaunting your money and are better than him, and buying his kids’ love and loyalty which of course you aren’t doing at all. We ran into this with my stepkids’ mother. She had no idea just how much we were doing for them until there was a major issue that required her to sit down w/ us and figure out what was going on. She was shocked. A few months later, all 3 of them ghosted us and we never heard from my husband’s ex wife again. I saw her once in a restaurant where she was working, I was glaring daggers at her and she retreated into the kitchen and didn’t come out again. So yeah. That kind of jealousy exists.
I don’t know how to really advise you on this cause I don’t have kids of my own, but keep doing what you are doing. It’s fair and it’s kind and it’s appreciated. The siblings will more likely grow up to be closer instead of resenting your son b/c he has so much and they have so little.
NTA. This guy is delusional if he thinks that making you stop giving his daughter gifts is goingna make him look better in her eyes.
But if you have the means and want to be a stand-up guy and help him, you could give him money to buy gifts for his daughter.
NTA. You’re a good person and I admire what you’re doing. Could you give the gifts to the mother, so she can give the gifts to the girl?
NTA. Keep doing what you feel is right. You’re very generous.
Your son’s siblings should not go without to make their dad feel better. He should be ashamed for suggesting that. The kids need to understand that the value of a father isn’t in money and gifts, but in his presence and the amount of effort he puts in. It is their mother’s job to teach them that.
NTA Your best bet is sit down and talk with the other father. Just cutting the half siblings off would be disastrous. The Mom revealing financial information was wrong. They’re not your kids but they’re his siblings for life.
Forgive me, but I have to laugh at this. Regular posters on this subreddit know—oh, do we know!—how many stories we see about a divorced parent who provides for their child, but if their ex now has more kids, the ex starts demanding that her kids be included on outings, and that if they buy meals for their kid, they have to buy meals for all her kids, by Christmas presents, birthday presents for the rest of her kids, etc.
Now, along comes you, and you actually do these things, and still someone’s not happy about it. You single dads just can’t win for losing, can you? You really have no idea how many stories we read on this subreddit about ex-wives who wish their ex-husbands would do exactly what you’re doing, and provide for kids that aren’t his.
In any case, NTA. I get how your wife’s ex-baby daddy feels, but he’s seriously asking you to tell your son not to share? Unfortunately, there’s no way to handle in a way that keeps everyone happy. I would suggest you do what you doing. And if the little girl ever says anything like wishing you were her daddy, you explain to her that her daddy is doing his very best and that he loves her.
And she will undoubtedly understand the dynamics before she reaches her teens.
NAH. This seems to be an issue that can be worked out. What if you talked to Mark and asked what he thinks an appropriate gift would be? You could also give your son an approved amount to pick a present for his sister, or give it to mom to pick one out from him.
Definitely room for compromise.
The 13 year old did what many teenagers do. They say wounding things that they haven’t really thought through before saying them. It must have hurt Mark but I don’t think stopping giving things will remedy the situation. Maybe both of you could talk to the 13 year old together? See what really made her say it.
I think what you are doing is above and beyond what others would do in your situation and it is lovely to hear as too often it’s the opposite on Reddit. You’re making the best of a less than ideal situation and helping your son’s relationship with his siblings. My aunt and uncle treated their grandchildren’s half siblings, from their DIL’s affair partner, really well because they wanted to show less acrimonious ways of dealing with difficulties. Plus, they said it wasn’t the fault of the half siblings and it made dealing with DIL a whole lot easier.