Me (29M) and my girlfriend (26F) have been dating for about 2 years and things have been getting serious. She has been pushing for marriage after the first 6 months of us dating, but I told her that’s I’m not really one to get married so soon. We have plans to travel, build our careers, and really get to know each other, which we both agreed to take it slow. My stipulation was that I’d rather date for 2 years before getting married, it’s just something I’m more comfortable with.
I see us getting married, but I pictured us living together first. I asked her to move in after our first year of dating, but she declined. Shes more traditional than I am, grew up in a Christian household, so being engaged before moving in was very important for her. I never pushed her beyond that, so we continued to date. I’m quite the opposite. Both my parents are non-religious and never went to church, nor did they make us go. I definitely value marriage, but maybe not as much as her. I never saw this as a compatibility issue.
Recently, I’ve been dealing with some family issues. I found out that my dad has been physically abusing my mom and that she is planning to leave him, which I am fully supportive of. I’ve been helping her make those arrangements behind his back for safety reasons. I haven’t told my girlfriend about this, but she could tell something was occupying my mind. Out of respect for my mom, I didn’t say anything because she told me not to, and not even my other siblings know about this or anyone close to her.
Our sex life has been declining lately. We just don’t have sex as much as we used to. Mainly because we have been so busy with things. We both travel for work and she lives 40 miles from me which makes it difficult sometimes. When we do have sex, it’s great and very passionate, but what was 4-5 times a week, turned to once a week or so. I think maybe she felt neglected or not wanted, which is not the case. We’ve both been under tremendous amount of stress from our jobs and sometimes sex just does not align at the time.
Yesterday we had a pretty bad conflict, no yelling or anything, but when I came over she was upset. She was asking me how I was feeling about our relationship, which I told her I was ready for the next step in integrating our lives and that I loved her very much. She told me she was getting anxious about us and she pictured us progressing much faster than how we currently are. I told her I had plans and she shouldn’t have to worry. Then she wanted to know what’s been going on with my mom, but I told her I wasn’t ready to say, but things started to get very emotional, and she started crying. I attempted to calm her down, but it wasn’t working and I felt I was being pushed into a corner, so I told her everything about my mom which upset her more. I wanted to give her confirmation that I was serious about us, so unfortunately I told her about my plans to propose, like when and where it was going to happen. We had a date night later that night and it was awful, she was basically in tears the whole night and kept saying she was sorry that she messed up my plans.
I feel so bad, and I didn’t know what else to do. I just felt so pressured to talk and that’s what came out of my mouth. The mood has been really bad, I didn’t mean to upset her I just wanted to give her reassurance.
TL;DR I told my girlfriend about my plans to propose to her when we were having a conflict and she got upset. She apologized for messing up my arrangements, but I feel pressured now. Need advice on what to do next.
Comments
Dude, you’re dealing with so much rn! Look, honesty is always a good policy, but sometimes timing is key. Instead of dropping the proposal bomb you could’ve reassured her bout your feelings without spilling the beans. The damage is done, but it’s not end game. Talk to her, explain why you spilled, sort things out. Remember, it’s teamwork! Can’t be one sided. Good luck, broski. ✌️💯
Ufff that’s literally the flip side of all the posts you see on r/Waiting_To_Wed
Literally a bunch of women egging each other on to get an answer and then it blows up in their faces like this. I get some people take too long, but man 2 years is not a lot. I’m glad she reflected and apologised, just take it easy for a bit. You have a hell of a lot going on right now you can’t be there as everyone’s emotional crutch.
I would just sit her down and say while you’d love to get engaged, you want the woman and not the proposal. Whereas I think too often women focus on the proposal over the man. Reassure her it will come in the next say, 12 months. But you want it to be meaningful and with all the crap going on in your life right now it’s just become about the proposal over you two being in love and spending your life together.
Tell he not to worry, you’re not stringing her along. Just she needs to have a bit of empathy around what you’re going through atm and let love and romance happen. Empathy stems from a form of love.
It seems like the two of you have a lot of love and care for each other while dealing with external stress. Just take some time to chat about it all. Hugs to you – you seem like such a kind caring man ❤️
Do not marry this barnacle.
She needs to have a nice little sit-down on a nice comfy couch with someone who will gently but firmly get to the root of her fairly deep-seeded anxieties.
I’m afraid with all that’s going on in your family you’ve neglected to notice that your fiancé is dangerously emotionally fragile. And you are clearly not someone who has got the chops to deal with a dangerously emotionally fragile person. But other people are, which is why you pay them by the hour, and she should seek out their assistance, and do it BEFORE the two of you bind your lives together.
I don’t think this is a dealbreaker…but this was both a serious overreaction AND showed a troubling lack of empathy for your situation with your mother, instead turning it into a reason for HER to give in to anxiety.
If necessary to get her to do it, do it as a couple. But trust me, she needs help, and she’s probably going to torpedo the relationship if she doesn’t get it. Don’t take no for an answer.
And while we’re at it, you need to learn how to communicate better, so maybe some sessions as a couple wouldn’t be the worst idea. You handled this about as badly as possible…but as I said, you ain’t got the chops for this. So spend some time with someone who does.