My dad died 6 years ago. I (16m) was 10 at the time. Mom grieved so hard she shut down and neglected and ignored me for over two years. She lost her job, didn’t do anything around the house, wouldn’t even answer when spoken to and me, my aunt and my grandparents had to feed her and they had to help her get to the bathroom and bathe her. She would not do a thing for herself. There were times I thought she was dead because she was so still and silent.
My grandpa ended up getting through to her in a way the rest of us couldn’t and she came back slowly. She focused on herself a lot for the next year and was really distant and weird with me. It was like she suddenly hated me and I never got why. She sent me to my grandparents a lot and didn’t really show back up as a mom. After another year it was like she had a personality transplant and she was talking to me more. But then I found out it was because she was dating a guy and wanted me to meet him. I told her I didn’t want to and she got into my face and yelled at me for shitting on her happiness. She told me every young man needs a dad figure and he’d be a good one and I needed to meet him. She grabbed my face when I told her I wasn’t ready and she said we did things on her timeline because she needed him.
Things remained weird and my grandparents encouraged mom to keep sending me over because clearly we were just not getting along. She was angry all the time because I didn’t go crazy over her boyfriend. They got engaged last year and mom was so happy about it. But when she saw I wasn’t she went nuts and started yelling and cursing and asking me why I was such a little shit and why I had to stop us moving on like we needed to. She yelled that dad was dead and I needed to get over it. I told her I couldn’t. That I missed him and I felt like I lost everything when he died because she wasn’t the same either and I felt abandoned by her. She slapped me clean across the face with no hesitation and yelled at me some more and told me that she was getting a new husband and I was getting a new dad and I had no say in it and the topic was closed.
After that every interaction between us was tense and she grabbed me a few times and left bruises on my arm when she was mad that I wasn’t working on my relationship with her fiance. She wanted me to be his best man and he asked me to be but I said no. I thought mom was going to slap me again but she did shove me and told me to grow up. Then they got married and yelled and cursed at me more for the “plastic smile” I had on my face. She said nobody looked at me and thought I was actually happy and how dare I showcase that at her wedding.
Three months ago we got into it again when I went to see my paternal grandparents without asking her. She told me I had no right to see them without her approval and I needed to let them go and move on and stop clinging to dad because it wasn’t good for her marriage. I told her I didn’t care and dad was important to me, my family was important to me and I wasn’t going to forget about him because she wanted to. She called me a disrespectful little shit, a c*nt and she even accused me of being gay for my dad because of how much I pined after him. She was slamming shit and throwing shit and I lost it and I told her that I hated her now and I would be better off with dad and I wish she had died instead of him.
My grandparents had to come and remove me from the house because mom wanted to end me. She was so mad that I said what I did. But I meant it. I lost my mom when I lost dad. Maybe I would’ve had some chance of dad sticking around for me if the reverse happened. Maybe I wouldn’t be slapped and grabbed hard enough to leave bruises or have shit thrown at me.
I’m staying with my grandparents now. My aunt takes me some weekends too. Mom’s calmed down some but she’s demanding I apologize and her husband said I need to or they’d call the cops. My grandparents told him she’d be the one arrested and not me because she assaulted me and hurt me multiple times. He said I threatened her with that comment. Mom insists that I was gross to her with everything I said and I was only thinking of me like the selfish shit I am and there’s no excuse for what I said.
I wouldn’t mean an apology if I gave one. AITA?
Comments
I am so sorry for what you have had to go through and still are going through. There is nothing threatening about your comment, it is a statement of fact.
There are AHs in this scenario, but not you! Your grandparents sound brilliant too, so glad they have got your back!
NTA about your feelings, but YTA about how you said it.
Bottom line you are 16, soon you will be an adult and no one can tell you what to do or think. See if your grandparents will apply for your guardianship. Be sure to bring up the physical violence from mom, and the threats to kill you. if need be, or threaten to if she tries to oppose it.
Get a job, save your money and try to get scholarships and loans, live in the dorms at college. Live your best life.
ESH, she’s your mom and when she was shattered by your dad’s death it sounds like you resented her for it and made her feel worse. She sucks for yelling, hurting you, and all around acting like a psycho. No matter the circumstance that is not acceptable behavior and is child abuse. I think its too late to undo your own part in things but going forward telling people you wish they were dead isn’t a great habit to get into. I wouldn’t apologize when someone is threatening me with the cops either so I actually agree with you on that point. An insincere apology isn’t an apology at all.
NTA but you need to contact whatever your areas version of CPS is and get them to remove your moms custody. I also do not trust your maternal grandparents and aunt to have your best interests at heart, unfortunately. They have failed in protecting you from her abuse and there is NO excuse for the way she treats you. Not grief. Not mental health. Not anything. She does not deserve an apology, and she does not deserve forgiveness. Dont let anybody tell you otherwise.
You say you are 16, how old is your mum? It sounds like she never actually recovered and moved on, she is just putting a band-aid over festering wound and you are her constant reminder of your dad. None of this is your fault, you are definitely NTA here, this is more to explain why she acts so weirdly. To grieve so hard for so long means it really did break her and it’s very very hard to understand this kind of loss before we are adults and loved someone profoundly. You lost a dad and suffered a lot as well but losing a partner you love is the biggest psychological pain you can endure and it’s hard to explain. Her behaviour towards you is inexcusable and she has no right to get physical with you, your words were a reply to her behaviour and were understandable. I’d say that this is something only time might heal. If you can, I’d spend as much time with people who actually help you personally to heal and as little with those who don’t (which is now your mom). Get your life together, figure out what you wanna do, find good friends and love. Have fun, move on as much as possible. She also needs time. I somehow feel the new partner is just a rebound. Time will tell. Do what’s best for you. Good luck and lots of courage. When you get older, you might find more compassion for your mum. But you both need distance and time for that. At this point she is toxic for you.
NTA continue to stay away from your mother. I’m sorry this happened to you
NTA
And frankly I feel the same way about your mother as you do. It would have been better for everyone if she was the one that was gone. You owe nothing to an abusive, violent, tantruming narcissist and her flying monkey. Next time she assaults you, call the cops. Now your extended family is aware of her abuse you can just wait until you’re 18 and never ever set eyes on her again.
You’ve gone through so much already in you’re young life but please don’t keep this to yourself tell both lots of grandparents and extended family every thing that’s happened/happening so there’s a trail of evidence. Also try to get your important documents birth certificate SS number anything dad left you. Lastly you’ve got 2 years and then if you want/need go NC. Be lucky kid
The man she married has to be a fucking piece of shit to be with someone who openly abuses their kid. NTA
Here is what I would do if I was you…If you have any pictures of the physical abuse that you suffered so far, please make copies of them and keep them in a secure place. Secondly, write out every single incident of her verbally or physically abusing you in the last six years. You might not ever need it and hopefully you don’t but at least you will have it ready if you do. I would also think about calling CPS and the police or when that time comes. Your grandparents and aunt kind of shot themselves in the foot by not contacting CPS when the abuse first started. They didn’t keep you safe enough by trying to keep the peace or thinking that your egg donor was gonna go back to normal.
It sounds like your mother has never got therapy for whatever she went through and instead is using child abuse as her main form of therapy, which is fucked up and gross and disgusting. I’m very glad you have a support system in her parents and your paternal grandparents as well. Are you closer to 17 than you are to 16? The reason why that would be good is if a child “runs away“ at 17 “the authorities” are less likely to drag them home until they’re 18 especially if they’re in a safe place. When you turn 18, you can completely go no contact with your egg donor. If you have any family encouraging you to talk to her, you can go no contact with them too. It’ll be easier for you to do things like get a cease and desist if she starts to harass you or a restraining order. If you have a cell phone I would recommend downloading and saving all the threatening messages that she’s ever sent you. Your mom’s not gonna stop on her own. So you just have to be ready for when she escalates. I’m really sorry and I’m also terribly impressed with how you’ve handled the situation. I know you said something extreme to your egg donor, but you were put in an extreme situation. You were pushed to your very limit and I don’t think that makes you an asshole. It means you are a kid who has never been given the opportunity to properly grieve a father he loved deeply.
NTA. She was grieving but so were you. She’s a raging lunatic and AH. She wants to erase your dad’s existence and memory. Nah. She can stay with her new loser husband and later when she’s an old bitter lonely woman she will realize what she lost.
Huge NTA. As a widow with 3 kids, one of which is around your age, this is all on your mom. She neglected you then and now. I know that grief comes in many ways but she wasn’t just a wife…..she is also a mother and she’s failed you in so many ways.
If I had to guess, you remind her of your dad and she’s trying to get away from the grief. She’s has never properly processed her grief and instead is just throwing bandaids with the new relationship bc she doesn’t feel the pain of grief.
If your paternal grandparents can, have them petition for custody. This is one of the few instances that grandparents rights would be successful.
NTA and run away from her ASAP. She is going to use you as her personal punching bag. Run and never look back.
BTW – if I was her boyfriend, and I saw how she treats you – her own son – I think I’d REALLY rethink my decision about marrying such a nasty person.
NTA, I’m glad someone is there for you. Now, put this post on everybody’s social media that you or your mom knows. She and her husband will undoubtedly start spreading lies about you soon, or it has already started. People always believe the first version of any story. Get your side out there now. Updateme
Press charges
Nta
Saying that you wish she had died several years ago is not an expliciit threat that will be taken seriously without other context like if you had a history of physical violence. It is also doubtful that they even have an audio recording of what was verbally said. So it is essentially like your word does not exist outside of their memory. They have no proof to present to the police or courts. Meanwhile if your grandparents took you to urgent care after your mom’s attacks or if they have photographic evidence of things like bruising on your body, they can use that against your parents. Your grandparents should take over custody. You might have to get in contact with social workers
I expected to think differently at just the headline, but you are NTA. All the early stuff is grief, and I can’t imagine what your mother was going through but have heard of people “coping” in similar ways. However the way she treated you since meeting someone new is unfair and harmful. Clearly losing your dad hit her hard at first and the way she has recovered is moving on, but it’s unfair of her to expect to be able to replace him for you as well. No one can replace a lost parent. The other behaviour is downright abusive though, and I would recommend taking steps to live with your grandparents full time. Report the abuse, take photos of any bruises etc caused by her, document everything, and have a serious conversation with your grandparents about it so they can support your next steps.
NTA you and your grandparents need to document all these bruises on you and the interactions you have with her and show the police before she really hurts you, or even possibly tries to kill you.
You’re not NTA and shame on your aunt and grandparents for taking this long to take you in after she has been abusing you for years. Save any messages you have of her admitting to abuse and immediately call the police if she comes to your grandparents demanding you go home. Anytime you feel threatened in her presence call the police. Avoid her as much as possible. Inform your school of the situation at home.
Work with your grandparents to get legal emancipation. Also, I would consider reporting her abuse anyway.
I can’t help but wonder if her visceral need for you to be a part of her life has something to do with a trust fund or inheritance?
I’m so happy that you have your grandparents to support you. Stay with them if you can. I’m sorry, but your mom is abusive. Big hugs from the internet.
Can’t say shit like that and expect to be forgiven. Even if she wants to forgive you, she’ll never forget and your relationship is permanently damaged.
Grandparents need to file for emergency custody!
NTA. You dont deserve any of this
Sorry you lost your parents
Do not apologize.
And shame on your Mother!
I lost my husband if 33 years to cancer last year. I am grieving still. It has devastated me. But you know what? I get up and do daycare for my gkids and I participate in my family. Because as devastated as I am, I realized I am showing my adult children and my 11 grandchildren, how to grieve in a healthy manner. I am not perfect and far from acing it, but they are why I am not a zombie right now.
I’m sorry you lost both your parents OP.
Stay with your grandparents. And do not apologize, you do not owe one.
Holy shit your mom is unacceptable. She’s projecting when she says you aren’t over him. This is her absolutely toxic and terrible way of dealing with her grief. It’s not an excuse at all. It seems pretty obvious she couldn’t handle it.
You’re not fitting into the fake new world she created because you’re more emotionally healthier than her, and she is refusing to handle it.
She needs help imo but also you need to be as far away from her as possible. This is very, very wrong and the grief and how she has handled it could have altered her brain.
Your mom seems mentally unwell to me, as a stranger on the internet, and also dangerous. Please stay safe.
First step. Someone needs to get all your stuff from her house if you don’t have it already, including birth record etc. that’s assuming she hasn’t destroyed it. Especially all photos etc if your father. And any documents related to any dad might have left you in a will cause she might hide it from you, same with the records for any savings accounts for you etc.
Second, if they haven’t already your grandparents and/or aunt need to file for emergency custody and if possible child support from your mother. Even if they don’t need the money, they can put it in a savings for you.
Third, feel free to never look back. Sucks that you lost your dad and your mom turned into an abuser. None of that is your fault. Remember that. And you don’t owe your mother a relationship with you.
As for apologizing, you’re correct that you wouldn’t mean it so you shouldn’t apologize for it. Well maybe for saying it aloud, after all we don’t have to say everything you feel and think. But not for having those thoughts or feelings and never wanting to be around her again. But if you are going to apologize for saying it, don’t do it until you’re good and ready.
Never apologize for standing up to your abuser.
Your mother has emotionally, verbally, and physically abused you for 6 years. Do not return to her home. It is not safe for you there.
Tell her that you will never forget all the harm she did to you, using grief as her excuse. She earned your opinion of her. She now has the new husband she abused her child to get, so let him be her sole source of happiness, because she’s chased you right out of her life.
No matter what calamity befalls a parent, they must be there for their child. It would have been better if she’d sent you to permanently live with relatives, 6 years ago, if she would not control herself around you.
NTA, but your mother and her new husband sure are.
You should really tell the police she’s been hurting you. Silence only helps the abuser.
NTA. And if they do call the police, your grandparents have your back. If they try anything, get services involved.
Your mum doesn’t get to move on in her own time, and expected everyone else to follow suit. Her abandonment only made your grief harder. If she was a half decent mother, shed be giving you time at the very least, and shes shown shes not willing to do that. Stay with your grandparents.m, get authorities involved if necessary, and go NC at 18. She doesn’t deserve you, and she certainly doesn’t deserve happiness. Also, if her husband is complicit, if he knew what your mum was doing to you and still married her/ stayed with her, the rage will set them on each other soon enough.
NTA – call the cops about what? Saying that you wished she died instead of your dad? That’s not illegal. But her putting her hands on you? Yeah that’s not ok. They could have a case if they are going to claim that you are a runaway or that your grandparents are kidnapping you. At the same time though…if this happened three months ago they obviously weren’t concerned that you’ve been gone this whole time. Honestly it would be best if your grandparents can get guardianship of you
NTA you need to call CPS on your mom get ahead of her your grandparents need to get guardianship of you.
Man so I’m no therapist, but I’m assuming your mom never came to terms with losing your dad and I’m assuming when he died not only did she lose him but it shattered her dream of a happy family.
I think her marrying this new man and trying to force you to love him is her desperate attempt at reclaiming her dream of a happy family.
Her anger and frustration at you not accepting this new man as your new father or a father might be because by not accepting him you’re getting in the way of her dream of a happy family, so she sees you as an enemy and is hateful towards you.
She might also still be grieving your dad and trying to repress it to move on so whenever you say you still miss dad that may be forcing her to confront or deal with those feelings and therefore causing her to have a certain disdain for you.
Just a guess I’m no therapist, but idk is say by your conduct and actions your innocent in all this. I just think your mom has very deep feelings to deal wirh
My deepest sympathies.
Your mother sounds angry in a far deeper level than just some disagreements with her son. Chances are she would be just as angry if you had done everything she asked, but would take it out on you for something else instead. You are a constant reminder of the husband she lost, who she loved so much, she lost her reason to live when he died.
There is no need for you to apologise. You are not sorry, and she will be angry at your very existence as a reminder of what she lost until she gets some real help (side note – unless your grandfather is the reincarnation of Sigmund Freud himself, complete with all his memories of his past life, he isn’t going ro cut it in terms of helping her process her trauma, even if he did manage to find a psychological lever to prevent her from killing herself).
If you can negotiate permanently moving in with grandparents, I would recommend that as a course of action. You will be autonomous soon enough anyway. Spend time with those who love you unconditionally while you can. Legal threats are meaningless (are you UK based? Just the way you talk makes me think you might be – if so, no way any action will meaningfully be possible, our courts and police are far too busy to care until someone is dead these days)
NTA and good luck.
NTA. Mother of one son, pregnant with another. My heart is sick for you. I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. Something is broken in your egg donor, formally your mother. She has done you terrible harm. I’m so sorry.
I wish I could hold you and rock you to sleep. I wish your mom hadn’t died with your dad. I don’t know if it means anything, but I’m proud of you. And your mom before she died would have been proud of you, too. You’re surviving. Sadly, that’s all you might be able to do for now.
But someday, you won’t need to just survive. You will thrive. You will find a new family of friends and your grandparents and other relatives. You’ll probably need some therapy, a lot of colleges have programs for therapy for students at low or no cost. Use that. Believe in yourself. Your dad and your real mom are watching you and rooting you on. You will one day heal from this.
This mom loves you and is proud of you. Hang in there, sweetie.
I feel bad for you, I would also let her know you are going to live with your grandparents, have your grandparents get custody and tell her the Social Security checks she is getting for you, (because she will until you graduate high school) I know this for a fact, that you need your money since you aren’t going to be living there. Good luck to you.
Nope. You do not owe her an apology — or a relationship. If they call the cops, you call CPS and tell them EVERYTHING. Don’t threaten — just do it.
Hey you need to make sure legally your grandparents become your legal guardians because your mom and her douchebag husband are insane. Nta
NTA If I were you I would send a letter to your mom basically asking her why she is fighting so hard to have someone she hates to her core in her life? List all the instances of abuse and how she dehumanized you. How she said over and over how she hated you and probably wished you dead? (assumption on my part and sorry if that’s wrong) She has literally physically attacked you and has not shown you any love since your father passed. So why is she fighting so hard to have you in her life? Has she become such a cruel evil person she needs to have a human punching bag around? That she made her child that human punching bag?
NTA, sadly she isn’t your mother any longer, she’s a biological parent and nothing more. You don’t OWE her anything. I would be filing a report with CPS for the abuse to prevent her from painting herself the doting mother and ensuring that any and all of your documentation is brought to your grandparents’ house to prevent financial shenanigans.
Then tell your egg donor to go fyck herself and tell her husband to join her…
This is the perfect time to go no contact, and to drop a social media bomb on her delusional ass. Get ahead of the story before she starts crying about her selfish behavior to the family.
NTA.
Your mom is gone.
And in her place is a woman who wants to complete erase any evidence of your late father.
And unfortunately, whether she’s aware of it not, that includes you
have you documented every time she abused you? you need to not go back to that house ever. you’re 16 the cops won’t do anything.