My husband and I have always been in fairly full agreement that his mother is miserable to be around. Her constantly giving “advice” by comparing her “successful” parenting tactics to our “struggles.” Her discussing weight loss while I’m eating a slice of my daughter’s birthday cake. Or when she complains about having to host holidays, but when we offer to host, instead of her bringing one completed dish to the event she decides she will show up early and cook 3 dishes in our kitchen while constantly complaining how ill equipped our kitchen is and repeatedly demanding we stop preparing for the event to help her find utensils.
Anyway, just recently I was in the car with my husband and he made a comment like, “I mean we both know eventually my Mother will end up moving in with us”
…. Record scratch.
I say, WHAT? WTF are you talking about?!
Apparently she’s been talking to him for months about how she’s getting older and starting to have memory issues and how she should really start getting ready to sell her house while she can…and jokes that once she’s done that, she’ll have no where to live so she guesses she’ll just “pitch a tent up in our backyard.
I legitimately want to tell him that if she starts moving in, he better start the process of moving out.
This is the woman who put her mother in a nursing home as soon as she started having health problems but now explains how terrible she feels about it and would never choose that for her again and how “she refuses to be put in a home when the time comes.”
I can’t even. It weirdly feels like a betrayal by my husband to even think he could say this to me. Is the pressure just going to continue to increase? What do I do??
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I legitimately told my DH that if he ever pulls this with me, the day he moves her in is the day I move out and get half of all his shit. He is well aware that it’s a deal breaker for me. I guess you have to decide if it’s the same for you.
You say no fucking way. Like THIS is the hill to die on.
My MIL isn’t event that bad, just BEC but this would definitely be a case of ‘If she moves in, I will move out.’ Imagine YEARS of living with someone who will criticise you, give unwanted advice, and complain constantly WITH NO BREAKS.
“She will not be moving in with me.” Is all you need to say, and continue to repeat.
This will be YOUR problem to deal with. Say no now.
If she’s already having memory issues, she likely will need very specialized help that you’re not going to be able to provide. Add to that the danger of accidents with the stove or wandering away and the chance of injury to her or you/your kids is too high to allow her to move in. Sorry, MIL—better check in at Shady Pines.
No doubt he thinks that you will be the one taking care of her. Take that off the table right now.
He can move into that double wide tent in the backyard with her. You will be keeping/taking the house.
I have never ever just been the type to say , I will divorce you full stop no questions no conversation. Until the day my husband said …. The next house will need to be bigger because my parents are older and will move it.
I word for word said, that will never happen. The day you tell me they’re moving in, I’ll be calling the realtor and packing up me & the kids and the dog.
She moves in, I move out.
Those are the words I spoke when MIL was selling her house without a plan.
She figured it out.
When she comes in the front door, I’ll be going out the back!
Tell husband if MIL moves in, the next move will be He and MIL moving out.
I suggest you get prepared – because MIL is moving in.
Get all your documents together, fully understand all financials, have all documents for any dependent children, pick out a couple of very experienced family lawyers to represent you, if needed.
unfortunately, my gut tells me husband will push to have MIL move in and she will
Oh hell to the no. She sounds absolutely insufferable, and to have to deal with that nonstop, in your own home? Absolutely not, and I wouldn’t just be letting him know that there will never come a day where you will live with his mother, you’re also not happy with the fact that he’s been talking to her about this behind your back.
“We do not both know that she’s moving in with us, wtf are you thinking? If you move her in, I ‘m leaving. Deal-breaker, non-negotiable. “
She can dig in her heels all she likes. That doesn’t obligate you to happily accept a first class ticket to hell.
She won’t get a choice to go to a nursing home or not. I don’t see why she thinks she has an option either. Husband might need to remind her that selling her house should mean paying for an assisted living home, not YOUR house.
My MIL said something similar about her retirement plans and how would we feel about her living with us. I scoffed and laughed so she never asked again. She started in on SIL and SIL told MIL that only her husband’s parents would be the ones living with her.
Lol burn bridges or treat people like crap and they won’t take you in when you need them.
She can live in one of those nice assisted living apartments. Not with you.
What did you say to your husband when he said this to you? If you were just silent you are a fool.
Sit him down and tell him it’s never happening. I said the same thing on another thread, if he’s so concerned about his mother he can move in with her while you and the kids stay where you are.
Why can’t his mother arrange some in-home care to help her with anything she struggles with?
I’m sorry honey but you have to shut this down now. First tell your husband, no, she’s not moving in with you. Next tell her the same thing. She can sell her home and buy or rent in a Senior Community one that has steps of independent living, then assisted care.
I don’t like the fact that your husband is talking to his mom about moving in behind your back. He should have made you aware of her intentions the very first time she mentioned it and include you in on every conversation about that going forward.
It sounds like JNMIL has been giving this some serious thought and could be planning to make the move anytime. You need to set whatever boundaries you need with your husband concerning her. Don’t back down and make sure he knows you’re serious. Unless you want mommy dearest as your roommate you need to nip this in the bud now. Even if you have to inform JNMIL yourself in front of your husband that she will not be moving in with you, then that’s what you need to do. Good luck OP! From all of us who deal with crappy, selfish, out of line monster in laws. I hope this goes your way.
You tell him no. You tell him that you put up with her because you love him but under no circumstances do you ever intend to live with her. That this is not something that is inevitable. This is something that will not happen. You get to pick whom you share your home with and you are choosing not to ever share your home, your private space with her. Never. Not a negotiation.
The reason she has been talking to HIM for months about it without your input as the other bill payer in your house is because she expects her guilt trip train to gain traction. She guilts HIM, who will in turn guilt trip YOU into giving in “to keep the peace” or whatever other bullshit excuse for not properly dealing with her from the jump, she moseys her way into your house, continues her antics (or more horribly gets EVEN WORSE because it’s her “son’s house” 🙄) and your resentment of them both will likely nuke your entire relationship. And guess what? This was probably her intention from the beginning.
Do not let that man or his mother steamroll over your boundaries. If you don’t want to live with her and possibly end up being her ONLY caretaker (unless it was discussed that his mother is HIS problem if he let’s her move in? Because I guarantee this will come up) then you need to shut this shit down NOW. Tell your husband the consequences of him not listening to you, and choosing his mother’s feelings and comfort over your own. Tell him he needs to make VERY clear to his mother that if she sells her house, that’s HER choice, but that she will absolutely not be taking up residence anywhere near you or with you. Tell him to quickly find his spine before it’s too late, or your marriage will suffer for it.
This is a 2 yes, 1 no situation. My husband knows that there’s no way his parents live with us. I would tell your husband when his mother sells her home she should have enough for assisted living and that if she moves in with you it’s a deal breaker. I’d tell him as well it’s 2 yes, 1 no and you have the right to decline having someone live in your home.
It took a lot for my wife to understand that her mother would not be living with us when she retires. She has no savings, no retirement, no house, she hoards and her apartment is an absolute mess. It took my wife hitting rock bottom in our marriage and realizing she was about to be divorced to see the toxic impact her mom has had on our marriage. She also now sees that our marriage would not survive her mom living with us. We haven’t had the conversation with MIL yet as she of course won’t bring up her plans and expectations for retirement, but we have discussed together and have come to the agreement that government housing is what she has earned.
Ask your husband if he values your marriage. Tell him you aren’t making any threats,but her living in your home will tear the two of you apart. There’s a big difference between an assisted living unit and a nursing home. She would probably benefit from being around other seniors. Honestly, if I hadn’t sold my home years ago, I’d love to live in one instead of with my son.
That is a hard no. But since he is ok living with her, let him move in with her!
“the fuk she will”
Tell your husband that he can live with you, or he can live with his mother. Explain to him that under NO circumstance will YOU be living with his mother, so if he decides to live with his mom,, he can do so at her house.
This might be the best advice I’ve ever read. It’s a letter from a wife to Captain Awkward.
In the letter, wife reports that the husband says that his mom will eventually need to move in with them, and the LW is absolutely opposed. Captain Awkward provides a script, and advises wife to say that it looks like this family will end up living in two separate houses. Wife would prefer that she and the husband be in one household and mom be in the other, but if husband says that mom can’t live alone, then he will live with mom and the wife will live by herself.
There’s some absolutely poetic language about how the husband wants to put off this discussion until mom becomes incapable of living alone, and at that point, it will be an emergency and there will be no other option than to have mom move in with them, and that his putting that discussion off is a decision he is making because it will ensure that he gets his way.
I highly recommend using a script like this. Having MIL move in with you is a deal-breaker, and he should be in no doubt about that.
Who does he think will be her caretaker?
“I mean we both know if you move your mother in I will be moving out.”
Honestly who does he expect to put the extra work of caring for her. I can guarantee he expects it to be you!!! Please have enough self respect to tell him you will be divorcing him, and moving out if she moves in.
You tell him, with no sugar coating, that his mother moving in is a dealbreaker and that you will not live with her, even if it means the end of your relationship with him. You did not sign up to be her roommate or caregiver when you married him, and he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide who moves into your home.
Absolutely would not do it. I’ve told my husband and million times, literally every time my MIL “jokes” about even moving to the town we are in, that if she moves closer, I’m moving away. It is his choice who he wants to live with or near, me or his mother. Under no circumstances will he have both.
I stand by it too. My FIL lives with us part time and we get along very, very well. He still gets on my nerves if he is home for too long. So my husband is very well aware of how miserable I can get living with someone I enjoy, he knows I’m absolutely serious about not setting myself on fire for his and MIL’S comfort.
OMG NO!!!! I actually had a lot of talks with my husband about this before we got married and I told him I am not willing to move either of our parents in… this is more a concern with his side than mine, but I won’t do it. (Adding – we got married later, like 40 and had neither of us been married so it was a serious topic given the ages of our parents).
His Mom is super dependent on him, and it has gotten worse since we have been married but I refuse to budge. I actually had a convo with her about why I wouldn’t move in with her and told her she was going to have to eventually consider other roommates or assisted living (this is a while out still). I have a feeling the battle is far from over despite both of them acknowledging me and saying ok…
Best of luck to you!
You need that conversation asap. This is a hill to die on.
Keep up that hard NO. Mine is trying exactly this, just working the “assumption” that it’s inevitable, there’s no other choice etc… but DH and I are both firmly ABSOLUTELY NOT, and I’ve been clear: I will leave. Tell him you’re extremely concerned that he literally just took this for granted without one word of conversation and you want to be very clear with him that it is NEVER going to happen and he needs to make sure she knows that.
i’ve told my husband that if he tries to move my mother-in-law in here no matter what the circumstances she is in that I would just straight up divorce him. that even if he even brought it up in conversation that it might happen one of these days ,I’ve already told him I will leave you if you ever ever suggested that nasty c**t comes and lives in if she moves into our house, I’ll be gone before she can get one box of her crap into our house. She’s already banned from our house.
Say no. He cannot do this unilaterally. I would guess your name is in the house deed too. If her memory is going, she will need specialized care at a facility that deals with dementia and Alzheimer’s.
If he insists, tell him he can go somewhere and live with her, but you married him and never made a vow or got the memo that he was a package deal with his harridan of a mother.
I know it’s like a Reddit meme that everyone always jumps straight to “diVoRCe hiM!!1!”…but yeah, no. I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that he can have one of the two of us living with him, and he made vows to only one of us.
MIL should look into a retirement community, which is very different from a nursing home. Something that can transition to assisted living for when she has a little less independence, if she wants – with a dining hall that she can use at her option; organized activities; that sort of thing.
My husband thinks retiring and moving INTO his mother’s house in another state is a fantastic idea. He even once said I could care for her.
I laughed at him. I continue to laugh at him. If he thinks for a second that I will live with his mother, he is more delusional than I think.
We stay with her for about 5 days every 5 – 8 years. It is always awkward. I will not change her diaper. She is not my mother. I will not relocate until my own mother passes. Mine is turning 80 and goes dancing 3 – 4 nights a week. I doubt she will go anywhere anytime soon.
If MIL needs live in help, I can afford the house here and bills by myself. He can take his retirement and go live with her. I will visit him. He can visit me. I will not move into her home. Plus, I like his other family better and they live in a different state. I would rather go there.
Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass or you need to start saving for your divorce/alternative living arrangement. Maybe both? How frustrating for you. Your home is your sanctuary. You should always feel safe from intrusion.
I don’t think your husband has a clue about what taking care of anyone 24/7 is about. An adult who is declining physically and mentally is way too hard for YOU to do – because lets be real, he expects YOU to do it.
Are either of you doctors, nurses, physical therapists, social workers, clergy, lab technicians, etc? Because that is what is often needed at the end stage of life for elderly and especially dementia patients. Also, the people I just mentioned get to go home at the end of the day, they get days off entirely and they get vacations and they get paid. If you husband is not willing to wipe poop out of his mother’s vagina, he should think about it a little harder. She is selling her house so that she can move into an assisted care facility…that is what she is doing right?
You need to have a frank discussion with him that it’s either her or you. If she moves in, you move out, and find a divorce lawyer.
Do not compromise on this. They are plenty of ways to handle their golden years. My father, for example, sold his house, and the proceeds pay for his nursing home.
Speak up now!
He won’t be leaving, you will. Let him deal with the full awfulness of his mother.
Yeah, no. I’d be telling him the day he moves her in is the day you find a divorce lawyer. This isn’t something he just decides on his own. That’s not how this works.
Remind your husband that if she has no filter now, she will have less of one once the dementia kicks in. Look into ‘memory care facilities’.
Sit down with your husband, tell him that no his mother won’t be moving in, in the near or distant future. She definitely won’t be moving in until you both have a proper conversation all together about it as it is your house as well as his.
Bonus if he doesn’t like your parents as you can say well if your mother moves in so does mine if that is what it takes to drive the point home to him.
I’m not saying this shouldn’t be a deal breaker and you shouldn’t be horrified, but my MIL has really mellowed in her 80s.
She is physically able to walk and stuff but doesn’t have the energy to boundary stomp.
Bc of the cost of assisted living, I told my husband, if she did want to live with us, I would be perfectly fine with that, and I meant it. I told him he could take her a mile down the street to the senior center every day for socialization.
With her, it is mostly just incontinence that is annoying, but I personally made the decision that she would wear depends all of the time. And she doesn’t fuss about it.
She really is quite pleasant. Some dementia issues, but I bet the staff at assisted living would like if all of the residents were like her. Saying this because it is possible that your view may change down the line. I could not have conceived of being ok with this even a decade ago.
No, no, no, no NO! WTF is husband thinking? Stop him dead in his tracks right there. His mother is NOT moving in. And she’s NOT selling her place because she will need it once he moves in with her.
NOT your parent, and NOT your responsibility, but 100% your husbands.
NO WAY does he get to delegate HIS responsibility to HIS family and assign that to you.
It’s a hill he’d die on to get you to step up, but DON’T do it.
This is 100% your partner not having your back, and him planning with his mother instead of you.
Take no prisoners because husband is going to have to decide who he wants to divorce, you or mommy.