When I’m trying to go to sleep, sometimes I’ll start thinking of the ridiculous and inappropriate crap my MIL has said to me over the years. It gets me riled up and I can’t sleep. I find myself playing scenarios in my head where I confront her and say all the things I should have said in the moment. Then I get mad at myself for being weak and not having spoken up for myself at the time she said those things. There are times I just want to tell her how ridiculous she is but she always knows when to play nice and pretend to be on my side. Part of me knows I need to let the past go, but another part of me wants her to know just how absurd she is sometimes. Why can’t I be strong in the moment?!? I’m such a people pleaser by default. Maybe I’m more mad at myself than her. Maybe… 🤔
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I have been there..currently grappling with the same thing.
One thing I have understood is what’s gone is gone…thinking about the past and what i could have said…why i let her walk all over me wont do u any good.
When ur spiraling, PAUSE and think from now on u can choose how accessible you are to ur MIL. Do the opposite of whatever she craves from u. Since she can’t get a reaction out of you she will be desperate for attention and miserable. If nothing works during spiraling…think about how u holding back info, ur thoughts and ur family will drive her crazy. (At least in case) so my advice is if u really want to sleep better at night, do something and think this is ur ultimate revenge…keep reminding urself that. Remove urself from the situation and take your revenge through silence.
After all, this should be enough to keep ur “what ifs” thoughts at bay…and helps u in long run.
You’re not weak, you were trained to keep the peace around someone who thrives on chaos. She’s not clever, she’s manipulative. And your brain replays it because deep down, you know you deserved better.
I’m having the exact same scenario with a colleague! She’s always snapping, and I’ve often resolved not to explain myself or ignore it in such situations, but to calmly say, ‘Please don’t speak to me in that tone!’ I don’t know why, but in those moments I’m always so perplexed that I can’t recall my rehearsed response. And this crap keeps spinning around in my head. I hope I’ll be able to escape at some point. Yes, unfortunately, she lives rent-free in my head 😬 (Sorry, I used a translator)
I read your other post. tell me why you still want to have any contact with them. Husband should be shutting this down. If he doesn’t, you should. time to get a backbone/
tell me why you are still in contact with them – thought a divorce was coming. no respect for you and husband. I would be NC, or at the minimum, VLC with them.
Just wait, if and when, you have children. Inlaws are going to be impossible. they have the capability or just ruining your pregnancy and new baby experience. don;t let them. Time to develop a backbone and put them in their place. If you don’t, they will ruin your experiences.
It is hard for me. She will insult my family, cross clear boundaries and always in that ‘sweet‘ southern style and voice that for a long time I bought into the in-law party line that she ‘couldn’t have meant it that way ’ or ‘she just didn’t understand how that would come across’ or whatever excuse of that kind they would use.
They think she is practically a saint but the reality is she is a manipulator and black belt in the art of micro aggressions. But she crossed the line one to many times with witnesses (usually she had managed to only do these things one on one and I was generally told I must have misinterpreted)
I had to go practically NC. I have seen her once in the past four years at a family milestone event. I will have to see her in the fall for another. My interaction plan is a polite and courteous gray rock and avoidance.
Yet – I still play those situations over in my head and I have hate for myself that I let them go on. But time has given me grace for myself too. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but ended up going too far and ended up hurting myself in allowing it. I was unused to her brand of manipulative tactics and never had experienced being the target of micro aggressions- so it took me time to clue in.
Maybe if I had picked up on it sooner, been less shocked in the moment and thus confronted it head on this could have been nipped in the bud – – – MAYBE. But this is who she is, and she will now forever have the expectation that it is ok to treat me in this manner and I will and should put up with it because I did for so long. So now I try to move my thoughts to preparation. How I will engage her with polite and courteous superficial interaction and disengage as soon as anything threatens to get deeper.
I don’t know if my story helps. I do know you are not alone. Finding that line between being kind and people pleasing can be tricky – especially with someone who is an important pillar of the in-law family. Good luck and I hope you find peace and grace for yourself.
I RELATE to this. I don’t let things go or let the past go. I know it’ll always be like this. Sometimes people just do not MIX, and that’s me and my in-laws. I will remain at a distance.
With disrespectful ones like your MIL. You need to have some consequences. Calling them out verbally is not enough. They know they’re being disrespectful and manipulative, but they don’t care.
She needs to lose something important or at least to hear it from her son.
Without consequences, my JNMIL just argued with me, denied everything and acted like I was the problem, when I called her out.
Second time around, I cut her contact with me and the kids. Losing access to the grandkids, especially the newborn, had a different effect on her. She took her time to be butt hurt and whatever. She also lost any help and support from us.
It sucks that she doesn’t find it necessary to not be a disrespectful jerk, unless she’s being punished somehow. Thats why I don’t ever consider having a relationship with her again . I don’t want our kids around such a person.
I’ve gone nc with MIL more than 3 years ago and I refuse to reconcile to this day and don’t plan on letting her back in our life.
Ever since I call her out, every time a flying monkey pops up. Or someone tells on her and her gossips about us. Even though she denies her bs, but she doesn’t like to be called out and she stated giving us less reasons for that.
Ruminating is part of a healing process. Being angry at yourself is a good start. I was there. I had hit my people pleasing limit and went NC with my MIL. It took months for my boiling rage to simmer and for me to look at myself and how I contributed to the issues by not setting boundaries a long time ago.
I bought a book on boundaries and realized they needed to be practiced on people who already love and respect me. I started watching content on YouTube from Dr. Ramani, Dr. Jerry Wise, and Dr. Les Carter on how to deal with narcissists. Your MIL doesn’t have I be a narcissist for the content to help you navigate toxic relationships.
The only way out is through. I am hopeful that you’re able up get the space you need to heal and free yourself! I have been NC for a year and I’ve been through a lot. I have learned to place equal blame on myself, my husband, and my MIL. She only has power if we give it to her. I’ve enabled her and I’ve enabled my husband to enable her and sacrificed myself for their relationship to continue within the dysfunctional cycle. I stopped my part and it got ugly. We did a little couples counseling and my marriage has drastically improved.
Setting boundaries is a skill, and if you never were modeled, taught, or allowed to set them, it’s so hard to do! Speaking up feels like being rude when you are being reactive to prodding instead of having your limits and knowing which consequences to execute when they’re crossed.
I was having the worst insomnia, especially pregnant with my son, until I got through half a year of NC. I haven’t had insomnia since February!
I feel this so much.
Have you tried writing your thoughts do? It seems to be helping me a lot.
Rumination about past events and anxiety about having to interact with MIL again have been destroying my mental health.
I have reached a point after over a decade of MIL’s BS that I no longer want any contact. I’m planning to write a letter to my husband so that I can explain my feelings clearly, as I find it hard to say things the way I want to when I’m emotional.
The last few days I have been writing a lot of stuff down. Some of it i don’t even think i will give to my husband. Just doing this has really helped to clear my mind, and I haven’t been ruminating as much.
Write a burn letter. Or several. Get ALL your feelings out – no holds barred. Then wait a couple days and read it while maybe having a beverage or two and then ceremoniously burn it. As the smoke wafts up, imagine the hold your MIL has on you doing the same. It can be very cathartic and cleansing. I used to do it about my ex and his family a couple times a year as their torment and toxicity was ongoing for quite a while. Then I would burn sage and walk through my house.
I feel this and we’ve been NC for 3.5 years. We even moved halfway across the country. I will randomly remember something stupid she did or said and get irritated. I will say that it gets easier. My husband and I are able to joke and poke fun of some of the things she said and did. We have random “quotes” we will share with each other as a reminder of how unstable she really is. What we go through with MIL’s is trauma and trauma follows you around forever, you just need to find a way to deal with it. It’s okay to be mad.
In the moment you’re in shock and second guessing that anyone could say something so mean. It’s so easy for people to say “I would have said … ” but in the moment, you’re just too stunned and freeze up instead of coming up with the perfect comeback.
Instituting consequences really helped me to stop ruminating. The consequences were for my MIL and DH. MIL because she’s terrible and DH because he never protected me and he even tried to manage me so as not to displease her.
After a few years of staying silent through her BS with DH trying to be the bestest boat steadier, I started distancing myself (and DH had therapy and did lots of work to undo his childhood programming). But it was the distance that really made the difference for me. My sweet spot is no calls, no texts, seeing her once or twice per year. We stay in our own place. I have a car so I can leave her place at will.
TLDR: speaking up in the moment isn’t the only way to go. You can also try the consequence of less contact. I am so much happier with VLC. I haven’t ruminated on her BS in years! Largely because I don’t hear it but also because I have all the control in the situation.
Ask her to repeat herself when she says something absurd. If you’re in front of other people, she may second guess doing that again. I grew up with an NPD & BPD mom, all her kids are NC now. It’s not easy to set boundaries, especially when they make you feel guilty for them. Remember, boundaries are about protecting yourself, not punishing anyone else. You have the right to protect yourself from people like your MIL. Your husband needs to step up too. You’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings, or how they react to something you said or did.