Hi, as the title says have any moms decided to not have another child due to JustNoMil? Our youngest is almost 5 and my husband has desperately wanted another child but I can’t stand the thought of having another connection to MIL or giving her another reason to visit. During my last pregnancy, her and my husband TOLD me she would be in the delivery room against my wishes; thankfully COVID prevented that. The day we got home from the hospital she was at our house with beer and proceeded to get drunk with my husband and scoffed at me for staying sober and taking care of our 2 day old breastfed baby. She was mad I bought a crib and didn’t understand why I didn’t just put the baby in a drawer, yes a dresser drawer. She has tried to force her way into living with us over the years. Made countless backhanded comments about my weight, family, morals, etc. My husband’s way of dealing with her is to just ignore her but this caused us to have a 6 month separation while I moved out with our kids and went to therapy. He ended up enforcing boundaries and going very low contact so I would come back and I did. Everything has been great but I still hold deep resentments about my treatment during my last pregnancy and don’t think I could ever have another baby that’s related to her. And I apologize for the format, I’m on a mobile.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as pnw4060 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe pnw4060 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Don’t let her control what life changing decisions you make, keep her out of your life if you need to.
Do you think if your husband had enforced strong boundaries in your last pregnancy that you may want to have another? Like your MIL sounds awful for sure but this reads more like you have a problem with him and not your MIL in regard to having another baby.
Does he know this is not because of her, but because you can’t trust him to have your back?
If my MIL had such a hold on my life I would get a divorce instead.
Tell him the above. Force him to understand what his choices (to not have boundaries) are going to cost him: another baby, likely even your marriage.
I don’t want to have another for pretty much the same reasons. My postpartum experience was really bad, mainly because when I did set boundaries everyone in my husband’s family turned me into the villain. Me and my husband had nasty fights over it, but he came around eventually and cut his father’s fiancé out. But I still majorly distrust his judgement and moral character now.
Maybe agree to another child if you move away. I’d say no otherwise.
The only reason I have 2 kids is because we moved hundreds of miles away and my husband knew I would pull rank on allowing visits lol
Also just cause she’s “grandma” doesn’t make her entitled. “Grandma” means nothing.
I would say – you should have the baby for yourself and fight with your husband to not let her in anywhere near the delivery room. Enforce or fight to enforce your boundaries. But if you don’t have when you want to , due to someone else , you will have regrets.
It takes two, I’m male so it’s my MiL not my wife’s. Yes, her constant attempts to nag and bitch and whine us into having her first grand-child (note, never referred to OUR first child, but she always referred to HER grandchild) was one of a number of factors which lead us to choose being child free. Married now for 47 years and never once regretted that decision.
My uncle and I had this discussion and we thought it wouldn’t be smart to add a child to the unhealthy dynamics of my husband’s family. I don’t have any kids but my uncle said the way my MiL was acting, I shouldn’t want to bring an innocent child into that dynamic. My MiL is a little worse than yours but I could see her doing exactly what yours did to you to ruin your childbirth. It’s a personal decision that you should make for yourself unless you’re like me and have a potential child molester MiL and no extended family to support a growing family.
Yep we are one and done, largely due to how ILs and DH treated me after baby. I considered divorce; there was a time that the only thing stopping me was that I was a SAHM with no independent income and DH would give unsafe MIL as much access and alone time as she demanded. DH did eventually learn to set boundaries which lead to us navigating NC, but even without MIL, I’m too disappointed with his lack of effort to learn to care give for an infant to risk having another
Absolutely. The way she acted over my daughter was completely obsessive and controlling. She had a nursery at her place and she started buying exactly what I had at my house: same crib & colour, same fruit themed wall decals and then she started buying the same toys. She got MAD that I bought the last fruit themed bed set and even said that I should have helped her find another one.. for her place.
By the time my daughter was 2 I realized that there was no way I was having another kid. My partner agreed because his parents were a lot of drama and stress in his life.
No, but me and my husband are a united front against both our MIL’s
No, I understand why others might make that decision but for me, it would mean that MIL would be then controlling my life- that I’d just be giving up an opportunity to have another child because of her. Admittedly though, I’m not in the same situation with my husband. He is supportive
Yes and no. I’m 4 months PP and things are of course fresh, but these last 4 months have made me feel like I never want to go through PP with my DH again because of what he’s allowed his mother (my JNMIL) to do, say, and act. I have a MIL problem secondary to my DH problem that’s been exacerbated by having a baby.
I would cut off a family member before letting them dictate how many kids I have
Honestly, I’ve thought about not having more kids because of my MIL, but I refuse to give someone that kind of power over my wants and dreams. Currently 21 weeks pregnant with baby #3, and MIL is over it. She is and always has been in the category of people who think anything over 2 kids is too many. She only had 2 biological children (my DH and SIL), FIL has a child from a previous marriage. SIL has 2 kids and says she’s done. MIL is one of 2 kids. Whereas my family is quite large. My mom is one of 4. My dad is one of 9. I’ve always wanted at least 3. If DH and I could afford it, and make sure all of the kids were taken care of physically and emotionally, I’d keep popping kids out until I wasn’t able to anymore, just to piss MIL off.
It’s your body at the end of the day. Not his incubator. You don’t want a kid because of a shit experience, then don’t have a kid, that is entirely your right. You don’t need to justify shit to anyone
Personally, based on your husband’s behavior, I wouldn’t have another child with him. The more children you have, the harder it will be to alk away if things go south in the future and he knows that.
Nope. My MIL has never been happy when me and my husband have announced a pregnancy (about to give birth to my fourth). After each kid, she asks if we are done and what birth control we are considering using. My husband has always been blunt in telling her our family planning is none of her business especially since she likes to invoke my FIL’s anxiety about the future.The darn thing is always halfway through the pregnancies, she starts the act of being helpful MIL and expecting to be grandmother to all her friends.
Don’t give her the power over a huge decision like having more kids. If you want another do it! Just lay ground rules with your husband before hand and be ready to enforce them if he doesn’t hold up.