My therapist said that sometimes our brains forget things, hence why I start to question if going NC was the right thing. Specially now that we are expecting our first kid by the end of September. She suggested I write it all out (only if it wouldn’t retrigger me) so I can see it all together….so I did.
Note: I am Colombian and a first generation college graduate
Here is a small collection of what I could actively remember from the last 8.5 years:
– MIL has called me controlling, manipulative, confrontational to her book club then denied it (my best friends mom is in that book club)
– MIL said I have an abrasive personality to my husband (then boyfriend)
– MIL says that I don’t know what family means & that I’m changing her son (this was after I moved back home because my mom had a brain tumor)
– MIL told husband that after a family trip, she was mad at me because I didn’t over exaggerate my goodbyes or thanked in front of everyone
– MIL called husband a disappointment because we wouldn’t cancel our plans so he wouldn’t watch her dogs, even though her other 3 kids lived at home at the time
– When I graduated college, I went to Europe but that was a gift from my grandparents & uncle. We were at their house, eating dinner & celebrating his birthday with his family. She starts asking me about the trip & im answering her questions. Then she looks at husband & goes “I hope you are not expecting any gifts for your graduation because you are not getting that”
– MIL has called husband selfish & egocentric & disrespectful when he wouldn’t drop everything to come to her house any time she called
– Around Christmas time, the topic of college & scholarships came up. SIL said “I don’t think minorities should have their own scholarships, they just need to try harder like the rest of us”.
– MIL texted Connor “you are one mistake away from successfully closing the door on your family” when he didn’t go to his uncles birthday party during Covid
– FIL called him a pussy, a bitch, disgraced of a son, that he hoped he died, got what was coming to him, & that he can fuck himself when he wouldn’t go to his sisters high school graduation during Covid
– When husband was still looking for a job (Covid), we were eating dinner one time & MIL said “it must be easy for you to find a job since company want to show diversity” towards me
– Have held things over husbands head, for example buying his glasses when he was younger, or down payment for his first car at 16 or helping him do school projects
– Told us they would help us move but bailed last minute
– Never celebrated any of husbands new jobs or promotions but MIL would make dinner reservations for the other siblings and their partners
– MIL never acknowledge us buying a house, called it a “dumb decision” but celebrated when her other son moving in with his girlfriend of 6m to an apartment
– MIL didn’t post about our engagement for over two months but posted about her other son’s engagement within a week
– When we said we weren’t fans of a specific football team, MIL said we were attacking her with disrespect because she was a grad from that school
– When I graduated with my masters, I couldn’t even slightly mention it because MIL would say I was bragging and rubbing it in their faces….but she could talk about her “master +30” 24/7 with no issues
– MIL offered 10K for our wedding, which we declined, but told people that WE went to her begging & asking for that money
– We were later on called ungrateful for not accepting that money
– MIL called me & my parents poor, a month before our wedding
– MIL said I was “talking shit” about her when I retold that story to SIL (made the mistake of trusting her)
– Allowed SIL to called husband a sorry excuse of a brother/son in family group chat over and over….& expected him to apologize
– Has exclusive left me out of things before, for example, bought everyone matching Christmas PJs for pictures but me
Sorry it’s so long but I needed to write it all out to get it off my chest and remind myself that being NC is NOT wrong
Comments
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I’m sorry. It sucks. All I wanted was to have a friendly relationship with my MIL but she showed her true colors when I wouldn’t let her do whatever she wanted and put up boundaries-simple things like calling in advance before coming over, not using emergency key except for emergencies, etc. She triggers me so much. I rarely see her (VLC) but saw her this past weekend and she bragged that she calls her two nephews every year on their birthday. Both are much older than her children. She doesn’t call my husband or our kids (her grandchildren). I can’t remember even 1 time . Our children don’t go to see her either and we’re not with us. t is like a slap in the face for her to say that to us. Now I remember why I don’t want to see her.
Dude, that’s some next-level toxic family stuff right there. You’ve got a solid case for why NC is the right call. Good on you for writing it all out and getting real with yourself about it. Pregnant and dealing with this? Props for keeping it together. What’s the plan now?
Every time I relaxed my vigilance towards the ILs I’d start to think things like: maybe they’ve gotten better, or maybe they’ve learned their lesson, or it couldn’t have been THAT bad, or whatever magical thoughts would pop into my brain… And within 2 weeks of me starting to consider breaking NC – they would show their butts again. And I’d be reminded why I went NC.
I got tired of the emotional rubber band snapping back. It was painful to hope for reconciliation just to have it snatched away again and again. That’s how I found this sub and why I visit it regularly. It serves as a “vaccination” that keeps my immune system active so I don’t fall into magical thinking.
I’m sorry you have JN in-laws. It’s a crummy club. Welcome to the club. The password is: NoMore.
What took you so long to go NC? That family is next level.
Brains are amazing. They dont want us to keep feeling the hurt, so they bury it when it is not needed to stay on constant vigil for more attacks. When they stop doing so, we call it PTSD.
It is ok to let it sink to the bottom. That is a good thing, really, cause you dont stay in constant fight-or-flight and drenched in adrenaline. But it is not ok to let that put you into a position to get hurt again.
It is a great balancing act, and writing things down and re-validating your choice is a great way to do it.
After all, if nothing has changed, it is still as bad to be in contact, and your choice should not change. It was necessary to protect yourself, both then and now.
I have a very similar experience. I want the relationship to work, and when she’s good, she’s an angel. It doesn’t help that when something goes off the rails, everyone else on husband’s side of the family just moves on like nothing happened. You feel insane, guilty, and like you’re blowing everything out of proportion. It’s exhausting even when you’re LC or NC because as long as anyone you know still has contact, that thread isn’t truly broken. My ILs have let us down so many times and still I hope it gets better one day. I worry about having kids. I worry how it’ll affect my husband. It feels even more unfair if your parents are great ILs.
You’re not wrong for protecting your peace, and it’s normal to doubt yourself. Gaslighting is real, and it can get the best of anyone. Even if your ILs grow up, fix themselves, and everything is hunky dory with them tomorrow, you don’t have to re-establish contact. What happened happened, and the impact doesn’t vanish just because someone changed. Heck, part of self-improvement is accepting that things you’ve done can’t always be fixed. When we do hurtful things, that impact is on us and being better doesn’t entitle us to forgiveness.
So don’t feel guilty for staying NC. Nothing you do will change them. They have to change themselves. The ball is in your court regardless of what they do from here on out.